I was a happy and hardcore Cassie when my curiosity took the best out of me.

2012 - I found out that actually, there's a serious dispute between HoMin's fan and JYJ's fan. I was aware of it before that but I never knew how serious it was until I read an article about it. Then, I thought that I should just ignore these fans and continue keeping my faith like a good Cassie would. So, as time goes by I eventually forgot about those fans and I kept believing that Cassie is one and will always be and I lived my life happily while laughing to every single joke and cute accidents DBSK had to offer me.

Live is balanced. Why? Because with laughter, came tears. And DBSK taught me that it's ok to cry for the one you love. So, I cried. Little by little, tear by tear, I became a crybaby and I'm proud of that. I'm proud that I can actually cry for them, for people who are not part of my family. I'm proud that I'm not considered cold anymore now that I can cry. I'm proud that I became more sensitive towards people's feeling. I'm proud that my tear ducts are so active producing tears v(>_<) Hahahaha..lol. The more I cried, the more I realised that I've been thinking of DBSK as my own family. Those silly, dorky, unique, out-of-this-world brothers that I never had. My family of happiness overload.

Until one day, I came across a vid about TVXQ's song Keep Your Head Down. The vid explains about the lyrics of that song and I cried more than I should on that day. "No! They love each other. It's just a lyric. Yunho, please answer Jaejoong's call. Why are you guys being like this? This is not supposed to happen." Then, I realised that I'm only talking to myself with tears falling non-stop. I searched again about the lawsuit and read every single detail. I read articles and blogs just to study about it  but it just confused me more. I kept questioning myself if I'm doing the right things. I've cried so much that I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I became more desperate to find the answer of all my questions. I wanted answers from them. I hate being in the dark.

The next day, I cried again reading more news about them. I kept thinking of them and when I did, I can't help but sigh and cry a bit. My life's messed up. I thought what I'm going through was so wrong. I never thought that I can be so out of focus because of them. I thought that I shouldn't be going through this at all. It was the first time I felt so weak and helpless.

With that thought in mind, I decided to stop all this. I wanted to quit. And so I did. Since I respected DBSK so much, I decided to make my leaving official. So, I posted a comment on one of TVXQ's videos saying that I'll stop keeping my faith. How stupid am I. I live in tears because of what I did. I never knew that quitting will only bring more tears to me. I hated myself. I cried again and again when I reread that comment I left. If I respected them, I will never give up. If I respected them I'll never stop keeping my faith. I love them but why can't I stay strong for them when they've given a lot for Cassie, They went through a lot of things for Cassie. But me? I can't even bring myself to hold on for them when they've done so much for Cassie. I'm ashamed of myself.

From that moment, everytime I heard their names, everytime I heard their voice, everytime I saw their faces somewhere, I'll freeze and when I remembered what I did, I turned around and fake a smile. It hurts when I did that. It hurts a lot when a lot of things around me reminded me of them. It hurts when I heard my friends talked about them. It hurts when all I could do was to run from them. I didn't want to. After a while, I was getting better at faking smiles and forcing laughes. I'll laugh all I want. But everytime I forgot about them, I tormented myself. I'm pathetic, am I?

It took a few month for me to be myself again. I'm normal but the memory's still there. No, actually I'm not normal at all. I didn't listen to their songs anymore and I kept sleeping in. I busied myself with study but my grade's not good at all. I laughed a lot but it's just empty laugh. One of my friends read that damned comment and she just kept quite but I noticed that she's always there for me. I didn't deserve that. I did the wrong thing yet she's always beside me distracting me whenever my other friends talked about DBSK.

I was in misery........