"Minjoo? Your bouquet is ready."

A voice snaps Minjoo out of her thoughts, bringing her back to reality. In front of her stands Jo Haseul- the owner of her favorite floral shop. There's a flash of subtle concern in her eyes, but she says nothing and only motions to the bouquet with her glance. Minjoo's gaze lands on the blue flowers Haseul is holding. Something about it softens a part of Minjoo. 

"You look quite pale today." Haseul says as she hands the girl the bouquet of flowers. "Are you sure you are not sick?"

"I'm fine." Minjoo smiles. Or at least she tries to. "I haven't had breakfast yet. Might eat on the way home."

"Oh, Yeojin just bought a packet of biscuits yesterday." Haseul turns her head, looking left and right. "I think she left it somewhere around here. Just give me a few minutes to find it."

"No no it's okay! I'm not that hungry, and Hyewon is about to arrive anyway."

Haseul is studying her, trying to see if she means it or not. "Are you sure?"

"Positive. To be honest I don't feel like eating anything either."

"Well, okay then." Haseul breathes out a sigh. "Truthfully it might take forever to find things Yeojin hides. She could just stuff anything she wants in the tiniest spot here, one that isn't meant to be a hiding place at all, and none of us could ever find out. Anyway." She glances to the flowers. "That's Yeojin's doing. She had been insisting on being responsible for your order for a long time. She has picked each flower, arranged them and wrapped the stems all by herself. They look even more beautiful together. And meaningful too. Another great choice of yours."

"Thank you. That's so sweet of her. Please pass on to Yeojin my personal thanks." Minjoo answers, absently caressing a petal. "And this... Well I figure that I should try telling her something different this time, you know? That way she won't be too worried about me."

Haseul's voice is kind and warm. "I am sure she loves everything you said and everything you are going to say. Nothing comes from you can be a burden to her. Your love is a gift, and she's lucky to have you."

Minjoo looks at her, and she really smiles this time. "Thank you."

"It's nothing." Haseul pats Minjoo on the arm. "This one is also on me. Please tell her I say hi." She then pushes Minjoo lightly. "Now go, or you're gonna be late."

Minjoo waves at her, and Haseul waves back. On the way out, Minjoo uses her other hand to shield her eyes from the sun. It is a beautiful day. She was wondering if she's going to meet her today when an umbrella appears above her head. She looks to her side and sees Wonyoung. 

"Hey." The younger girl says. "Chaeyeon and Hyewon just dropped by. Mom wanted to stay but I said everyone was on the way and they surely wanted to meet mom as soon as they could."

"That's true." Minjoo says. They start walking. "Did you wait for long?"

"Not really. Ten minutes, maybe?"

Minjoo hums, and nobody is talking anymore. It has been like this for a long time- perhaps since that day- how they are when they're left alone with each other. But the silence is not unsettling. It's comforting. Minjoo's arm brushes against Wonyoung's as they heading towards where she is, and Minjoo feels a bit less lonelier than how she did a few minutes ago. 

***

Everybody is already at the bottom of the hill when they arrive. The hill. Mom and Wonyoung thought she would like this place, she used to run up and down this hill with Wonyoung when she was a kid, and when Wonyoung was tired they would sit down and watch the town. Her house and Wonyoung's house can be seen from here, and if Minjoo squints her eyes enough she may be able to see the white cherry tree in the orchard too. 

Minjoo approaches Jiwoo and bends down, giving the girl a hug. Jiwoo slipped and gave herself a sprained ankle last week, and while the doctor has emphasized how bad her injury was and said she should stay at home for at least two weeks, Jiwoo and Sooyoung are still here, with the younger one in a wheelchair. Minjoo knows nothing can make them skip this day. It's as important to them as it is to her. Minjoo also hugs Sooyoung as greeting, then she turns around and looks at mom. The old woman looks at all of them and nods, her warm smile hardly wavers. She is always there when they need her the most. 

Sakura is holding the umbrella for her. Wonyoung is walking with mom. Her sadness is almost physical now, so thick that it's forming and surrounding her only to swallow her whole, leaving no one to go through. Minjoo smells the flowers, letting her mind drift off to Yujin. Would she like this bouquet? No one but her is bringing flowers, kind of a representation, except for Jiwoo and Sooyoung because they can only visit once a year. Sooyoung and Jiwoo have to drive for a whole day then spend the night at Eunbi's house, either that or switching the train four times and still having to sleep somewhere before catching the last train in the morning. Too much work for them, even when this year it took them four hours longer because only Sooyoung is driving. However, the sunflowers they bring are always fresh as if they're just picked. Minjoo can't think of how they do that, but she is not going to ask them. Some times you don't have to ask to know how much they care for someone. Minjoo has seen the way they hold and look at the sunflower bouquet. They remind them of Yujin. 

Wonyoung. Minjoo's thoughts go back to the youngest girl. She never brings flowers. Others will go alone when they want to give Yujin her favorite thing; however, she never finds any bouquet that might be Wonyoung's choice. To them, carrying flowers is not only because Yujin adores them. It's also a way to talk to her, to say things that can't be said and convey feelings that no word can hold. They don't know whether Wonyoung needs something like that or not and if she does, then what works equally for Wonyoung. 

Season changes and Wonyoung's bouquet never comes. Minjoo can't tell if it's better this way or much worse. 

Then in a windy day, she caught Wonyoung kneeling in front of her grave, shoulders shaking, and Minjoo knew she should leave immediately, but she's not fast enough to walk away. Between the broken sobbing you will always be my favorite painter, Minjoo found the fall of the tears had wet her face, and she forced herself to turn, to move further and further until Wonyoung's wailing was out of earshot. Later when she returned, there was a tin lying near the grave, big enough to fit in a notebook and a pencil. Minjoo just stared at it and said nothing. It was quiet for rest of that day. 

***

The tin is still there when Sooyoung bends over to put down the sunflowers. Minjoo watches her touch the cold grave silently, wondering how the world can be spinning and staying still at the same time. Sooyoung then stands up, making her way back to Jiwoo, who immediately buries her face into Sooyoung's shirt. Now it's Minjoo's turn. 

"Hey." She whispers, loud enough for only her and Yujin to hear. "Look what I have got today. New flowers, and Haseul said hi." She puts the flowers down, her gaze does not waver from the letters on the grave. A H N Y U J I N, it says, and underneath it are the year she was born and the year she was gone. 

"They are all blue. Beautiful, aren't they? I've always thought blue must look good on you."

A soft breeze blows her hair and kisses her cheek. Her heart clenches. 

"This one is iris. It means hope." She grazes its petal. "And this one is delphinium. It means 'I will make you happy'."

She looks up so her tears won't fall. Yujin will be worried if she cries. 

"Yujin, let's meet again in the next life, all right? I promise I will make you happy."

She shuts her eyes. 

"I promise."

And she opens them. 

The grave is gone. 

Minjoo blinks. It's nowhere to be seen. She looks down and sees her right hand full of dirt, and where the flowers once were now lies a casket. She hears people crying, and her gaze lands on the casket, unwavering. She knows this casket. She had stayed awake and watched the one who is in it and pressed her cold hand to . Knowledge rushes up to her, taking away her breath. Arms seizing her waist, pulling her up as she tries to kneel and reach out to her. Yujin. She screams. Yujin. The name tears it way out of . Please don't, Yujin-

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"YUJIN!"

Minjoo jolts awake, sweating, breaking, and crying. She can't think of anything except that Yujin was dead, they found her too late, and there's nothing she can do to bring her back. One moment she was at the funeral, eyes fixed on the casket, so lost and confused and numb; it felt like she was there and not there at the same time- she kept seeing Yujin grinning at her, promising she would take Minjoo to the white cherry tree; then the next second she's back at that damn room with her head on Yujin's shoulder, weeping and holding the girl and-

"Minjoo?"

A pair of arms reach out to her and embrace her in a warm hug. Minjoo freezes immediately. 

"Minjoo, I am here."

You? You are here? But who are you? 

It can't be the girls. They should be staying at mom's house right now, sleeping together with their patched wounds that can never be healed even after all those years, trying to seek for solace in others' presence, trying to feel something that's left in the house where she grew up and thinking about how she was here in the past, how happy she would be if she was here now-

Minjoo lets out a shaky breath and closes her eyes. Maybe she is still dreaming. When she opens her eyes again, she will lie on the bed- this time alone, tears rolling down the cheeks like rivers. She will reach out to the sides only to feel the coldness of the night and the sinking of her heart of course you won't be here, but it hurts nevertheless. It hurts just the same... 

"Minjoo, what's wrong? You've got a nightmare?"

Minjoo stays still. How could she forget this voice? Ten more decades may pass and she would still realize it, even if everything else of her has faded away like sand in the wind. She is made of memories, every second and minute and hour of the past, nothing forgotten or turned blurry, always so lively and clear. Everywhere her soul goes she will carry all of them with her, and she will keep doing so until they meet another one who created them with her. 

The thought gives Minjoo at least some courage to notice the hand that has been rubbing along her arm up and down for a while now, attempting to comfort her. The warmth is strange at first, but her heart is quick to remember it. They rise up fast, like a sudden flood drowning Minjoo in the longing that has embedded in her. How her skin felt when Minjoo subtly touched the tip of her fingers. How she smiled when she looked at Minjoo. The way her dimples deepened as their fingers intertwined. Her eyes bright and lively, like the sun and the moon and the stars. Minjoo keeps falling in love over and over, countless times, just by the memories. She wants to turn around. She wants to see her. She wants to feel her and her love and loves her back even just one more time. 

When she meets the orbs that color her reflection with worry, Minjoo keeps staring, and staring, until Yujin's hands move up to cup her face and wipe away her tears. They are alive. 

"Why are you crying?" She asks, voice so tender as if she's afraid one wrong move and her heart might be torn apart. Minjoo doesn't answer her. 

"Please don't cry." She whispers, pressing a gentle kiss on Minjoo's left eye. "Please. It kills me to see you cry."

All the words are stuck in . Yujin looks a bit more mature than how she has thought the younger girl would be. That was how it had always been before. Her Yujin couldn't get older whether she's in her memories or in the photograph or even in a dream: that chance was taken away abruptly and mercilessly many years ago. Times she has been sitting next to her grave, mindlessly watching the sky and wondering how they would look like when they turn thirty, forty, fifty and then sixty. Minjoo is going to know all of her answers, but Yujin's? She pulls out the old tin from her pocket and opens it. The lovely teenage girl in the photograph is still smiling at her. I guess I will never know. 

She holds Yujin's hand, stopping the girl from panicking because water is spilling even more from her eyes as if it might blind her any second. "I'm ok. I'm just-" She pauses, trying to pull herself together. "I just had a very scary nightmare."

Minjoo looks away from Yujin's eyes, pretending that it might help her ignore how cracked and horrible her voice was. 

Yujin is quiet, and then, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, you know that right? I can hold you in my arms, if you want to, and sing for you for the whole night until you fall asleep. And then when the morning comes, I'm gonna make you your favorite breakfast and give you endless morning kisses. Then we could visit my mom in the afternoon, taking a walk in the orchard, picking any fruit we prefer, and gazing at our white cherry tree while eating mom's rice cakes. I will bring my notebook and you can draw in it anything you like, and I will draw you while you are doing so. There are more choices than telling me or not, because this is not about me, this is about you."

Her head falls on Minjoo's shoulder lightly. They are almost hugging each other. "I just wish there are something I could do right now to take away your pain, even just a small part of it." Her voice is low and barely audible. "I don't want you to get hurt. I can't stand it. It kills me."

There is silence a moment, and in it Minjoo hears very well each beat of the heart, loud in her small chest, screaming to break free, to get out, to be torn into pieces, for the pain is unbearable. It's already out before Minjoo's aware of it. "You're dead."

She clutches at Yujin's shirt so tightly as though it is the only reason why she is still here and not somewhere no one can reach to. "We were too late. I tried but there is nothing I could do to bring you back." Anguish swells in her, choking off her breath. "In my dreams I kept seeing myself pouring the dirt over your casket. I kept seeing Yena and Hyewon and Chaeyeon and Eunbi shoveling dirt, and it hit your casket, and everyone was crying. But I wasn't crying, because I thought it was just a dream and when I woke up everything would go back to the way it should be. So I waited. I waited for days, then weeks, then months, but you never show up. This world is still hollow and empty and I couldn't find you anywhere."

Those endless dark nights. The ceiling. The bed. Too large. Too cold. Tossing. Turning. Recalling. Memories bursting like fireworks. 

"Then one day I saw you in the orchard. You were in your uniform, sitting against the white cherry tree, so quiet and peaceful. I tried to approach you, but when I took the first step you vanished as though you were never there. After that, every time I see you, I just stand still and watch. Watch until you disappear in a blink of an eye. Some days when I step out and the sun blinds my eyes, I see you walking towards me, your smile is bright and happy, just like the old days at the school. I hear you call my name, but I dare not to touch you. I want you to stay a bit longer. I want you to stay. But you never stay. And then I am left alone again and keep on looking for you everywhere."

It no longer sounds like she's telling Yujin a dream, but it does not matter anymore. Her arms wrap around Yujin's shoulders as tight as she can so when this is over she will still have the echo of it in her soul, but not too tight that she might hurt Yujin. She tries to engrave this is how you feel like when I​​​ touch you, this is your scent and how it fills my lungs, this is the weight of your head resting on my shoulder, this is your embrace and the way I feel safe in it. This is you. 

The apprehension is dreadful like some sort of poison that permeates through her heart and seeps into her core. She's stealing each second passing by, waiting to be waken up, to be pulled away violently and fall into the void of reality. She wants to say more. I miss you. I will take care of mom and Wonyoung and everyone. I will live for both of us. We will meet again. But nothing comes out. 

Then the clock chimes. 

There's no more air to breathe in. 

Then a hand touches the back of her head gently as a voice is heard. 

"Minjoo. I am here."

Minjoo opens her eyes. What? Why? How-

The voice continues. "Can you hear what I'm saying?" 

She can. 

"Can you feel the heat from my body?"

She can. 

"Now, if you don't mind, can I see you?"

Her mind is blank. She cannot bring herself to think. Yujin has leaned back a bit, reveling a pair of red eyes and a soft smile directing at her. You are supposed to vanish now. Dissipating into the smoke. Bewildered, Minjoo raises her hand, wanting to touch her face, but she stops mid-way as though she's afraid if she does she will break whatever this is like popping a balloon. 

Yujin is watching her and her hesitation. "It's all right." She whispers. Minjoo carefully brushes against her cheek. You feel real. Minjoo thinks in astonishment. As real as one can be. But how? 

"Here." Yujin holds out her own hands. "Please give me your hands."

Despite the confusion, Minjoo still follows. Yujin puts one of her hands on the younger girl's chest where her heart is, and the other hand has two fingers pressed against the side of Yujin's neck, right under her jaw. To her surprise, Minjoo feels a pulse. 

"Can you feel it, Minjoo?" Yujin asks, voice is full of tenderness. "My chest is raising and falling as I breathe in and breathe out. My heartbeats against your fingers. Can you feel it?"

Minjoo can. Each beating of her heart. Again and again and again. It doesn't stop. This is a heart that's pumping blood. This is a heart that's still alive. 

If this is a nightmare in disguise, she dares not to think what would happen tomorrow when the everything's gone. 

Yujin lets her take it in before reaching down to pull up her shirt. Underneath it, there's a scar right where the bullet went in and took her life. It looks terrible and painful to imagine what had happened. And it is not the same. She was there with the girls when a woman came in and took the bullet out before stitching the wound. Her fingers were dancing, an instant passed and she's done. She lifted her head and looked at mom. I'm sorry. She said. Or perhaps something else. Minjoo didn't know. She could only see the neat stitch and wondered if it hurt her. This is not the same scar. 

"Minjoo." Yujin's eyes search hers. "This is the only scar I got from the war. I had to go through an extremely complicated surgical operation to get this." Her voice is slow and clear. She waits. Minjoo glances to her in perplexity, so she carries on. "When I crossed over the blocks to chase after some Vans, Wonyoung thought she had lost me, but she did not. She found Daeun first, and thanks to Daeun she found me right where I was. Minjoo, do you remember Daeun?"

There's no way Minjoo doesn't know Daeun. She comes to visit her every year, an hour or two in the evening, barely saying anything. The sky turns orange, then purple, then blue, and she stands up, biding goodbye to Daeun. No one answers her. A stone cannot speak. It is cold and lasts forever.

"Daeun and Wonyoung. Both of them were badly injured and could barely stand up straight, let alone moving around, but they did not give up. They wanted to save me." Each word is rich with pain, but she doesn't stop. "I remember I was on the third floor, pressing a bandage against my wound and watching them trying to walk away, seeking for help. Their blood reddened the grass where they stepped on. I was so scared. I felt like it's all my fault."

Before any thought might occur, Minjoo has already brushed away her tears. This might not be true, but why she has to care anyway. She is still Yujin. Wherever. Whenever. Her Yujin. Always.

"It is not." She murmurs. "It's a war, Yujin. They said there was only one way that war could end: Last man standing. You did your best to protect your town. We did our best to protect you."

Wonyoung has changed. The truth is everyone has, the war spares nobody; however, the difference in Wonyoung is something else. She's still sweet and considerate and generous, the old Wonyoung when they first met, yet now she's also more quiet. Closed off. She would usually smile but none of it ever reaches her eyes; she would hang out with them but refuses to join in their playful bickering; she would invite them over for dinner and make rice cake with mom but never eats one. They cannot reach out to her. Wonyoung is both there and somewhere else at the same time. All she does is to stay silent and watch them.

And she never talks about what happened.

People miss Yujin, and they say it. Some talk about it only a few times, some say just a bit more often, but Wonyoung? Not even once. It's as if she is torturing herself for losing Yujin by taking away her chance to talk about her. She seems to believe that she does not deserve to miss Yujin. Wonyoung carries their past and her death around the neck and lets them pull her down until they sink her completely in the eternal dark ocean of self-blame.

"There are things that are inevitable, Yujin." Minjoo says. "Daeun got injured. Wonyoung got shot. You... got shot." She inhales shakily at the last part. "But all it matters to Wonyoung is that she saved you. She found you. You are alive." Even just in this dream.

Yujin looks at her, and then Minjoo feels Yujin's lips on her forehead, soft and warm and reverent. When she draws back, Yujin looks into her eyes and says, "Minjoo, you saved me too."

No, I did not.

"You arrived immediately after Wonyoung took like four steps, and you wasted less than three minutes to bring me back with Sakura. You were there when they sedated me, and you were there holding my hand when I woke up. I am alive not only because of Daeun and Wonyoung but also because of you." She sounds like she's begging for something. Minjoo doesn't know what it is. "Minjoo, you saved me too."

Minjoo stares back at her. The kiss stays, lingering. How long can it be?

"I want to believe you, Yujin." She finally says. "I really want to. Desperately, even. But I'm gonna wake up sooner or later. And when I do-" Just the thought of it is horrified enough. Minjoo shakes her head weakly. "I'm sorry."

She wishes that she had started this dream in a different way, then perhaps they would be lying on the bed in each other's arms right now, being another normal couple just as how she'd always thought. Yujin is struggling to hide the devastation and impotence on her face, which makes part of Minjoo want to give up. If that makes her happy. Anything to make her happy. Then Yujin would still know she's lying. That's how it is. Minjoo understands Yujin and Yujin understands her. Time and space and what's powerful than that can do nothing to them. Realizing it again leaves a bittersweet taste on Minjoo's tongue.

It does not take long for Yujin to suddenly nod with determination. "All right." She says firmly. "We will try something else. It's all right Minjoo, I am here, and I will find a way."

And that's it.

Minjoo finds herself trembling, not literally, more like somewhere inside her is shaking like madness. She has seen it. Those bright eyes that once brightened up the nights and every feeling Minjoo didn't know she had them all in her. It is raising up and it will suffocate her and she cannot stop it. Minjoo doesn't even want to resist it. She will follow Yujin to wherever she goes and do anything Yujin wants her to do. Because it is Yujin and she is willing to bet on her again and again despite knowing how it is going to turn out.

Because it is Yujin and she loves her so much that it hurts.

And so, Minjoo chuckles for the first time since this dream begins. "Okay."

Yujin pauses immediately at that. She blinks in surprise. "Okay?"

"Okay." Minjoo repeats with a smile.

Now Yujin has gotten it. "Okay." She beams. So much hope. "Let's do this."

What Yujin does is totally different from her imagination. No going out and walking around or driving into the darkness. No photographs or letters. They're back with putting hands on chests. Minjoo's hands under Yujin's hands. Two on her and two on Yujin's.

"Just keep your eyes closed. Don't open them until I say so." Yujin says. "All you have to do is to breathe with me and count to fifty. Whenever your mind wanders, gently guide it back to the rhythm of your breath and the raising of our chests. Can you do that?"

Minjoo hears herself answer. "Yeah."

"All right. Here's one. Breathe in."

Minjoo gives her best for this. She breathes, and thoughts and faces pass through her mind from time to time. Breathe in. Mom. Wonyoung. Orchard. Breathe out. Breath in. This is going to end. Breathe out. She can hear Yujin. Breathe in. Yena. Breathe out. She can feel Yujin.

When they're done, Yujin says. "Now we are going to play a game. I am going to ask you some questions, and you have to answer it instantly. You only have three seconds for each question. There's no right or wrong answer. Can you do that?"

She nods. "Yeah."

"All right. So, what is your full name?"

"Kim Minjoo."

"What am I wearing?"

"Shirt and pants."

"What color is my shirt?"

"White."

"Whose last name is Yabuki?"

"Nako."

"What Hyewon likes the most?"

"Food."

"If Yena broke a vase what would Yuri do?"

"Yelling at her and making her clean up."

"Do I look good in white?"

"Yes. You do."

"If Eunbi dropped Hyewon's food what would Hyewon do?"

"She whines but does nothing."

"If I am flustered and holding a slice of bread is there any chance I may drop it?"

"Yes."

"If Hyewon finished her rice cake and there's no more, who would she steal rice cake from?"

"Yuri and Yena."

"Who is the most likely to fail from the first step if we all try to learn rice cake from mom?"

"Chaewon."

"Who is most likely to stop Yena before she has a chance to scare you when you are lost and trying to find everyone?"

"Sakura."

"Yena is baking a cake, who would be the first victim if she wanted to wipe flour across her face?"

"Hiichan."

"Can I succeed in the first try with rice cake?"

"No, you won't." Minjoo smiles. "But you will get it in the second try."

Something sparks in Yujin's eyes. She continues.

"If we had two people ganging up against Sakura, who would they be?"

"Nako and Hiichan."

"Who would be the first one asking me to teach her how to draw?"

"Yena. And Eunbi. And Chaewon. But Yena will start it first."

"What would Eunbi draw?"

"She would draw Nako but even Nako cannot recognize it herself."

"If Yena was taking a nap and nobody could wake her up, who would solve it and how would she do it?"

"Sakura. She would roll Yena into a blanket with Chaewon and Eunbi then keep disturbing her until Yena is annoyed and wants to swat her hands away but cannot."

It doesn't occur to Minjoo that the more questions Yujin gives her, the more she speaks as if she was there and witnessed everything. So Yujin keeps asking and she keeps answering until Yujin asks her this question: "If I wear a white shirt, should I wear black pants or grey pants?"

And she says. "Both look good on you but you should wear black pants for later going out. My sister loves playing outdoor-"

She opens her eyes, letting the rest go out in a way that her mind no longer controls it. "-and she might stain your pants."

Confusion. Again. And fear. Minjoo may open a new door any moment and she's scared of where it might lead her to. What if she couldn't go back? What if in there everything is strange and there are new pains and despairs that she couldn't bear? It's been seven years and the only reason she's made it this far is because she has promised herself to take good care of everyone. Mom. Wonyoung. Yena. Hyewon. Chaewon. Yuri. Sakura. Chaeyeon. Eunbi. Hitomi. Nako. Panic starts wrapping around her like a net trapping a helpless fish, and instinctively she reaches out to Yujin. At least in her embrace Minjoo can slow down whatever is happening.

She whispers. "Yujin."

"I'm here."

"I'm scared. Am I waking up?"

"You are not. You are already awake."

"I'm really scared."

"I will be right here Minjoo. Right here." Yujin brushes her hair aside.

"I feel things and I see things but I don't know what they are. Are they gonna hurt me? I can't stand more pain."

"No." A crack in Yujin's voice. "They won't. They are love. Love that comes from me and you and everyone."

"But I don't know them. But if I don't know them then how can they live inside me? Why do they feel so familiar like a part of my soul?" She buries her head further in the crook of Yujin's neck. "Talk to me. Please."

"Okay." Yujin takes in a deep breath. A breath that stops her from falling apart. "It was Hyewon's idea to try making rice cake. We were in the orchard all together, it was in the morning, maybe eight or nine o'clock, I don't know for sure. We were just chatting and eating fruits and biscuits and drinking milk. And I know I should have seen it coming because Hyewon had been in the 'rice cake phase' lately but I didn't. Hyewon reasoned that if we knew how to do it then mom didn't have to bake a lot just by herself. I replied that if she really wanted to eat rice cake then she just had to wait for two more days and it would be the weekend. Mom baked in the weekend and no other day is for a reason. We could not eat rice cake the same way we eat rice. There's diabetes and everything waiting for us. And if we were in the kitchen it'd be a mess. No one could cook, and Hyewon would be there just to devour anything that was safe to eat anyway."

"Obviously she ignored me. She went in the house and looked for mom. I tried to stop her but she is really fast whenever it comes to food. I sort of lost. Lost her, and also lost the battle to protect my kitchen. You hugged me and told me things were gonna be fine, and I told you very desperately that I must go and say goodbye to my kitchen. We both knew that I was joking, and we just laughed. Hitomi, Nako and Wonyoung went out to buy aprons while we were preparing the ingredients. My kitchen was really big, but at that moment I could just turn around carelessly and I would bump into someone. It felt really nice."

"So we tried making it with mom's help. And it was chaotic. Totally chaotic. I can refer it as a disaster honestly. But I didn't care much at first because you were standing right next to me. You were wearing a white dress with white apron, there's sunshine on your face, and you were so focused that you didn't realize you had flour on your cheeks and your forehead. You looked so beautiful. I knew my rice cake would be something else except what it's supposed to be because I paid no attention to it, but I was so content watching you."

"And then of course Chaewon confidently ruined her mix of flour and water in just five seconds and screamed, which startled Hitomi, who's on her left, which gave Yena a chance to wipe flour on Hitomi's face. I didn't know how things could escalate so fast, one moment I was grinning to myself watching you and the next I was holding you in my arms so Eunbi and Yuri couldn't catch you. You were so small. You didn't even try to defend yourself, you know? I held you and felt you against me and heard you laugh. Your laughter was like bell chimes."

"When it's over my prediction came true. The kitchen was a mess and everyone had flour on them. Yena looked like a snow man and I guess that's just fair considering how many people she had teased. Mom came back and prompted us to go and take a shower, but we refused. We just washed our hands and our faces then finished the remaining work, although all we did was just staring at Chaeyeon's and Eunbi's rice cakes in awe. Yours didn't have the shape, but it had the taste, although truthfully I'd wolf them down no matter how they turned out. Mine looked like a drawing by Yena so I stopped you from eating it. You nodded and gave me a thumbs-up then quickly seized it when Chaewon called me and put it in your mouth. I was so horrified. You smiled and said it was really good. It wasn't. I was the first one who tried it, or else you could have had the whole thing without stealing."

"The thing is, the happiness on your face when you ate my rice cake is a happiness I've never seen before in my life. My cake still looked bad and tasted bad and I was still worried, but I couldn't find it in me to stop you. I was extremely glad each of us only made two rice cakes, and I already ate one. The rest of the day went by and I couldn't stop thinking about you and how you looked like when you ate my rice cake. I couldn't sleep. I woke up at five in the morning and dashed to the kitchen. Mom was surprised because usually I left the bed around six. She saw my face which I guess really expressed that I was thinking about you since she just smiled and asked if I needed help. I said it's okay. She hadn't had breakfast yet, and I kept telling myself "I've got this." Two hours later, Chaeyeon was driving me to your house with Wonyoung in the backseat. Chaeyeon had work that morning and I remembered she'd pass by your house. I waited. I hardly gave in to my impulses, and I regretted nothing. When you opened the door and you smiled at me, and the same happiness lit up when your ate the rice cake, it's all worthy. Chaeyeon teased you that which rice cake of mine was better and you said they're all good. I know you wasn't lying. You're just that lovely."

She thinks of another memory. "And the time when Sakura woke Yena up. Okay. So we all know that there are two people who can sleep like a log even in the middle of an earthquake, and I'm not very proud to say this but it's Yena and me. Whenever I reminisces about this day I will be thrilled that I had rejected Yena's persuasion to make me take a nap with her. Taking a nap while everyone was cooking lunch was not a big thing since she would wash the dishes anyway. The problem here is she knew it's impossible to wake her up and she still did it. So Yuri went into the room and yelled at her. "Hey, Choi Yena. Choi Yena. You'd better wake up or else I'm giving your snacks to Hyewon"." She mimics, and there's a chuckle so faint that she must have made it up.

"Could not wake up Yena at all. Then Chaewon was tickling her and Nako was hitting her with a pillow, and you were just standing next to the bed and calling her softly, "Yena, please wake up. It's time to eat. Please wake up". Clearly it sounded like a lullaby because Yena kept moving towards you to seek for peace, but you were so lovable that I couldn't stop glancing at you. I'd have been with you if I hadn't been busy preventing Hyewon from dumping a bucket of water on Yena. My bet is that she'd actually do it just for fun."

"We must have been really loud- no, we were loud, since Eunbi and Sakura went up to check on us, and Sakura took one look at Yena and smiled her devil smile. You know it, right? The kind of smile that sends chills down everybody's spines. So she got a thick blanket we used in winter, then she put Yena on the blanket with Eunbi and Chaewon before rolling her and the blanket. Then we just giggled and poked her face and covered her nose and saw her wiggle like a worm. I was laughing so hard that you had to hold me so I don't trip and fall, but when Yuri put her hands into the bucket then pressed them against Yena's face and Yena screamed, I just lost it. I tripped and fell, and you, who were trying to pull me back, ended up on top of me. You were so worrying whether I hit my head or not but I was just laughing. All I could think of at that moment was 'I have you and I have everyone. This is exactly the life I want to live.' I was so happy."

She pats on Minjoo's back lightly. She intended to save the next one for the last, but there are many other great stories that will never make one 'the last'. It's meaningful, that's true, but if it doesn't work then it's okay. Every moment with Minjoo is important to her. They have all the time in this world. "And do you remember the time when we decided it's time to introduce me to your parents? Not as a friend, but as a lover."

"I remember thinking about it for a two weeks. Maybe more, I'm not really sure. When I realized it's already there. One evening I was having dinner with mom, she made roast chicken which is my favorite dish, and it's still good as usual. I knew that she already had a clue, she was just waiting for me to feel comfortable enough to share it with her. I put my fork down and so did she. If I carried on pretending I enjoyed the chicken she'd be hurt, although she'd never say. I didn't want to make her sad. I stayed silent for a few seconds then I asked, "Mom, do you think it would be too fast if I tell Minjoo I want to meet her parents as her lover? Do you think it would put pressure on Minjoo? I've been thinking about this for a while now, and I really want to tell her, but I'm worried it might place her in an awkward position. What if she's not ready? If she's ready, that's great, but if she's not she would still introduce me to her family because she's Minjoo and Minjoo is very kind and loving."

"She listened to me with a soft smile. When I was done, she asked me, "Why do you want to meet Minjoo's parents as her lover?", which I also thought about. I said, "I am not sure, but I feel like I want to be approved by her family. I've imagined what would happen when that day came. What I would do. And all I want to do is to tell them that I would take care of Minjoo and protect her and make her happy for the rest of our lives. And I mean it. I really hope that they will trust me. Not in an aggressive way You have to trust me, but more like an approval nod and Okay. We saw it. You can make her happy. You can take care of her. We are really glad you two are together. That sort of thing, mom. Maybe a Welcome to our family, too. I think that will make Minjoo very happy. And it'll make me happy too." And I looked into mom's eyes and said, "I really want to be a part of her family."

"After saying that, I got worried that mom might think I would leave her. I could never. I was going to explain when mom suddenly held my hand. She wasn't upset. She was smiling. Her smile made me feel safe. She told me, "Yujin, everyone experiences life at their own paces. Some can buy a car and are ready to buy the next one, some are still riding their bicycles. Some think it's time for them to go out and travel to learn more, some are content to stay where they are. You can make the choice on your own when it's just you, but in this situation, you cannot. That's why you must talk to each other, Yujin. Communicate. Being in a relationship is not you two perfectly match everything. It means both of you will have different opinions over things and still can compromise and find a way to solve it without making anyone feel bad".

"But I didn't know how not to make you feel bad if you were not ready, and I voiced it out. Her response was, "Being genuine, Yujin. Perhaps people aren't good at detecting who's lying, but they can always tell when somebody doesn't care about them."

"At that moment I understood something and also didn't. Mom said I'd figure it out eventually, and I believed her. We finished dinner, then before I went back to my room, she called me back and said, "Yujin, your dad and I are very proud of you." I was sort of in a daze and very confused so I said, "Because I want to meet Minjoo's family?" Mom laughed and said:

"That, and because you are who you are."

I did cry that day, Minjoo. I cried a lot."

Yujin takes in a deep breath then sighs out in nostalgia. Minjoo is moving in her arms, she looks down and sees the older girl studying her, eyes big and red. She's checking on Yujin. Yujin smiles.

"I'm all right, Minjoo. I'm just getting emotional, that's all."

Minjoo nods. She wants to say something, but she swallows it as she slowly settles back to where she was. Yujin's gaze is back at the night sky through the window. There are many stars tonight.

"So, two weeks later you, Yena and Yuri rode the train to my town. We promised to visit the new bakery that had both Wonyoung and me obsessed with. We rode our bicycles to there, it's around four in the afternoon, and the place was packed with people. Yena suggested you and Wonyoung and Yuri wait outside, she said, and I quote, "Leave the hard job for the chivalrous. Today you three will be our princesses." I said that she could be chivalrous alone since I quite enjoyed being a princess. Yena literally ignored me and went on dragging me in. Of course I was just joking, I didn't mind going in. In fact, it sort of helped distract me from my mind. I kept thinking about being genuine and telling you."

"But I guessed you had noticed everything. When we went to the hill and sat on the picnic blanket that Yuri bought, you waited until there were just two of us and asked me whether something was wrong. You pointed out that, "You've been distracted for a month, Yujin, though you try not to show it. And you have been staring at me a lot, more than usual, so I think it has something to do with me?" And you said whatever it was, we would find a way to solve it together. That reminded me of what mom had told me. And I told you everything, despite the truth that I hadn't figured out what being genuine really meant. I could say when people were sincere and honest, but how to try to do it, well, it's something else. I think people don't try to be genuine. It just happens. And I guessed I succeeded because you were hugging me really tight and said yes repeatedly."

"I was happy, really happy. Then we heard Yena clapping and Yuri shutting her up. Apparently we both forgot we were not alone. Your face turned pink really fast and it was getting to your ears. I tried to tell Yena to quit whistling, but I couldn't. I was smiling ear to ear. Wonyoung gave me a thumbs-up and a wink. She gave me the first thumbs-up when we were small kids and I showed her my first drawing. And she gave me another when we were all grown-up and I just asked the girl I love the most to introduce me to her family. Wonyoung, she was there all along. The rest of the day we couldn't stay separated even for five minutes, and everyone let us be, though not without some teasing."

"I thought my mind could be free after that, but I was wrong. Do you remember the night before the day I met your parents? I panicked so bad. I kept going back and forth in my room, trying on all the clothes I had and still didn't feel satisfied. Mom was in her room and she's busy with her work, so I called you. You picked up in five seconds as if you were waiting for me. I said very fast, "Minjoo, I'm kind of in a panic right now because I do not know what I should wear tomorrow. The first time we all came to your house I weren't this nervous. Can you please help me choose something?" I heard you chuckle through the phone, and your response was, "Yujin, I really love you."

"That, was an exceptional move to calm me down. If my heart was beating fast then it's definitely not because of panic. And you reassured me that your parents and your sister Nari loved me, and when you told them about you having a lover, they were not surprised at all. They already knew. And you sworn that you had seen them smiling when you passed by the kitchen, which eased me. Still, I needed your help with my clothes. It just didn't feel the same when you chose it for me.

You asked, "What about white shirts? You love wearing them."

I had six white shirts in total. They kind of looked the same, but they didn't. I ran through them in my head and decided I'd go with the one Wonyoung had given me as a gift. She bought a plain white shirt at a store then spent a week embroidering a four-leaf clover on the collar. Before that, it took her two months to figure out her way with needle and thread. We both know Wonyoung was a bit clumsy, still is to be honest, when it comes to handicraft, so I was surprised. She called it 'Wonyoung's luck'. Said whenever I wore it the clover would bring me fortune, though I think the shirt is the fortune itself. That's her love. That's how she shows that she cares about me.

However, I didn't have any special pants. I asked you, "What about pants? Should I wear the black one or the grey one?"

That's when you said, "Both look good on you but you should wear black pants for later going out. My sister loves playing outdoor and she might stain your pants".

Minjoo is still so quiet. "The next day, I walked out of my room in 'Wonyoung's luck' and and a pair of black pants while Mom and Wonyoung were waiting for me. I turned around and asked, "How do I look?" Mom said, "Wonderful" and Wonyoung said, "Now you look chivalrous enough to go into a crowded bakery." I laughed a lot at that. Before I set off, mom kissed me on the cheek and gave me a sandwich and some fruits in case I got hungry. Wonyoung hugged me and whispered that I would be fine. On that four-hour train, I sat in the chair and watched the view outside. Trees and houses and people and rivers. Nervousness and excitement were raising up inside me like a steam coming out of a boiling kettle. I felt like something was going to change."

"When the train stopped and I went down, I wondered what you would wear. I took two steps forward and someone suddenly ran up to me and hugged me. She couldn't be you, I just knew that. So I looked down and saw Nari grinning at me. She would come along to the train station with you if she had time, but that day her presence was very special to me. I hugged her back and spotted you not far from where we were. You were hiding a bouquet of flowers behind your back, and you had this smile on your face and the soft wind was turning your light blue dress into small waves. I was mesmerized. I could meet you a thousand times and every single time I'd still forget where I was until you bring me back to this world."

"Nari then giggled and I felt really bad for forgetting that I was hugging her. She said she didn't mind, she had fun watching me, and she entrusted you to me because you were in a dress and you could not ride a bike. She winked at me and pushed me to you. It's not the first day I met you, and it's been eight months since you agreed to be my lover, and yet there I was, face heating up and flustered in front of you. You touched your nose and said you had got something for me, and you gave me the flowers. I fell in love with them right away. Baby's breath. White and small and delicate. Like snow falling from the sky. I held the flowers and all the words were stuck in my throat. They were pure just like you."

"Then someone yelled something about the bicycles, which made both of us startle because I hadn't brought my bicycle out. I had to give the bouquet back to you since I couldn't hold it until we got home. On the way back home, no one said anything. We were just enjoying the ride. The breeze blew across my face and you rested your head against my back. I felt like I could do it forever."

"I could see your house. The door was opened and mom was standing in the doorway. I parked the bicycle and turned to you. I guess I was beginning to look nervous again because you put the flowers in my hands and smiled. Mom also smiled at me and nodded. "Come on in," she said, and I realized she didn't greet me as usual. I tried not to think about it as I followed mom into the living room. There's dad. He's standing and looking at your family photograph on the wall. Mom and Nari joined him and all turned to us. Mom looked emotional and Nari's face was bright, and dad was looking at me in a different way that I think it was meant for the upcoming announcement. You held my right hand with both of your hands, and you said, "Mom, dad, Nari, this is Ahn Yujin, my lover." Then you looked at me. "Yujin, please meet my family".

"There's so much to feel in just a few words. We were introducing ourselves despite knowing each other already, but it made me really happy because the introductions had a new meaning now. Mom approached me and gave me a hug, which let me know she still adored me and the lack of usual greetings was just one day. Nari squeezed me and grinned. She grabbed your arm and mom's arm and pulled you both into the kitchen, leaving me and dad in the living room. Dad didn't hug me. I think he wanted to but he had things to tell me before that. He gave me a nod and followed you guys into the kitchen. When he came out, he let you three get to the front door and go to a park near your house first. He handed me a basket of bread and milk bottles and said, "Let's go, Yujin." The way he spoke to me was so soft. We had talked a few times, but that was the first time we were left alone and had a real talk."

"It was supposed to be a fifteen-minute walk, but dad and I probably made it thirty-minute or more. We walked slowly, almost ambling along the road. He started asking things about me and telling things about you, although some of the answers he had already known. I guess he's trying to get to really know the one his daughter gave her heart to. So I told him everything. My dreams. My fears. Some of my memories and some of my opinions on things. When we're about to arrive, I could see you and mom and Nari as small figures in the distance, dad stopped. He had this look on his face, one that I had never seen.

He was looking at the view when he told me, "Yujin, you are a kind soul, do you know that? A kindness that is not blind to the world but to have seen it at its worst and still choose to be kind. Now I assume we all have at least a bit of kindness inside each of us, whether we were born with it or it was planted along the way. Doesn't mean it will stay. Kindness, as everything else in this world, can wither away. Ignorance. Rejection. Lust. Selfishness. Envy. Confusion. Pains. So many things that can numb your heart, and yet here you are, Yujin. Even though you might not think of it this way, the truth is to be kind is to be vulnerable, and to be vulnerable is to be brave. It takes an tremendous amount of courage to keep it alive. You are still young. There are more choices for you to make and journeys for you to embrace. You are going to struggle. You are going to suffer and you heart will be broken. It's a must: Suffering is the key to awakening. However, I can promise you one thing: You will never be alone."

Then he put his hand on my shoulder and looked into my eyes. "Take care of Minjoo for me, and let her take care of you. As long as you remember what's important, everything eventually will be fine."

Yujin shakes her head. "I don't think I could ever forget it. What dad said stayed and gave me strength and faith when I needed it the most. That day lives inside me vividly like a film. I remember nodding at you when you helped me with the basket. I remember Nari teasing us and I was holding a slice of bread, so flustered that I accidentally dropped it right when I was about to take a bite. I thought I would be embarrassed but somehow I wasn't, even though Nari was laughing and you tried not to laugh but failed. Even I was grinning. I felt safe. When we're done eating, Nari wanted to play hide and seek so both of us went hiding. It's difficult to be hiders where there are not many places to hide, we only have trees and grass and land so you and I decided to split. I sat behind a large tree and was just waiting to be found."

"Turns out it's not a normal hide-and-seek game. Nari suggested it because she wanted to talk to me in private. Well I can't really tell you the content of the conversation, I promised her I'd keep it a secret. What I can let you know is that you mean the world to Nari. She didn't say much, but I could feel it. How she really mean what she said. She loves you a lot. When I protect you, I also protect a part of her and dad's and mom's and everybody else's."

Yujin holds Minjoo a bit tighter as she speaks in a low voice, "Mine too."

"You had to change into pants and shirt to ride to the train station with me. It was the last train, I couldn't miss it, and I couldn't sleep at your house, that didn't seem like a right thing to do, but I didn't want to leave. So did you. There were a cherry blossom tree near us. Not the same type we've got at home. The wind was making our hairs dance, and you were staring at me with your pretty eyes as if I was the only thing you could see. White petals flew past us. You stood in the light rain of white petals, so beautiful and unreal. I couldn't take my eyes off you. You picked up a blossom stuck in my hair which was near my temple, and you looked to me, silently asking for my permission. I nodded. You stood on tiptoe, your arms around my neck, I could smell your shampoo and see your eyelashes, then you kissed me. I couldn't breathe at all. It's overwhelming. I don't know how I managed to go on the train with the bike. I kept waving at you through the window until the train started running and I couldn't see you anymore."

"Some times I still think of that moment. You waved back at me, blossom in your other hand. You didn't throw it away as you usually do. One day I suddenly imagined you have been keeping the blossom somewhere with you all these years. Perhaps it's the look on your face that gave me the idea. It's okay if you didn't. I have you. More than everything. I have you."

That's when Minjoo whispers. "I did."

Yujin blinks. The words stop her on her tracks. "You did?"

The night is so quiet that Minjoo can hear Yujin's heart bursting. "Yeah. Maybe one day I would show it to you. When the time comes."

Minjoo moves back, still in Yujin's arms, eyes on the younger girl. Memories return to her, filling the void that she didn't know she was carrying. She touches Yujin's face again, feeling her skin, feeling her warmth, now all real and will not disappear leaving her alone. "You are real." She mumbles.

Yujin's eyes shine with unshed tears. "I am."

"You are not my imagination."

That chokes Yujin up. "No. No I am not."

"You are gonna stay," Minjoo pauses, carefully adds, "aren't you?"

It hurts. It hurts so much. "I am. There's no place I want to be but next to you."

"Please tell me I don't have to be alone anymore."

You don't have to beg. You will never, ever have to beg. "You don't have to be alone anymore."

And Minjoo loses it. Yujin quickly gathers her into her chest as the older girl wails, agony and relief tearing their way out, so much that one might wonder how a small human being can bear all of them. Yujin is trying to hold it in, Minjoo needs her, but she thinks of the memories she doesn't have yet can feel with every single cell in her body and tears just fall down. She thinks of that day where she sat in the dark room, knowing that her time was over, only worrying how Minjoo and Wonyoung and everybody else would feel when they found her. Mom. It would kill mom. And there's nothing she could do. She stared at the photographs, fighting each second to keep on living. Just a little bit more. Maybe she could say goodbye. But she could not. She could not. Endless memories rushed into her mind. Mom in the orchard, white cherry petals were floating down, and she's smiling at Yujin. Wonyoung having the first rice cake. She jumping in puddles when it's raining. The flowers at home. The smell of rice cake in the kitchen. Yena pairing up with her to tease Chaewon. Hyewon giving her food. Eunbi kissing her cheek. Wonyoung saying she loved Yujin to every pieces. Sakura protecting her from injuring herself. Hitomi trying to be the sane one in the group. Nako teaching her Japanese. Yuri scolding Yena for pulling a prank on her. Chaeyeon taking care of everyone even though she's about to break down.

Minjoo.

Unfulfilled promises. Confession yet to be made. Future yet to be drawn. How can Minjoo see the white cherry tree when she's no longer here? The thought was once so beautiful now would rip Minjoo's heart out of her chest. Minjoo. Her Minjoo. She wouldn't be able to bear it. The pain would be too much.

And before Yujin knew it, she was staring at her own lifeless body.

She's gone.

In the distance, Yujin sees a face nobody knows but her. She still sees her eyes rich with grief. She still hears her saying when I killed you I killed a part of me too. She still sees her sobbing uncontrollably I'm sorry you deserve more please forgive me. She still hears her saying you cannot change something that already happened because that's how the world is.

But she did change. She rewrote the world. For Yujin. Perhaps for her too. Yujin can only hope that she has finally forgiven herself. Everything is fine now. Everything is great. Yujin cannot be happier with her life, a life that she always said Yujin should have had. A life that Yujin deserved. Peaceful and happy and simple.

Yujin has it now. Maybe after all this time she can find it for herself too.

Minjoo has stopped crying. Yujin helps her lie down on the bed and lets the older girl gaze at her as long as she wants to. The long 'dream' is still there, hovering above Minjoo like a ghost. She might just reach out to its sharp edge and the wound would tear apart immediately. It's okay though. She would put on the 'new' memories on repeat like a radio only playing her favorite songs. Yujin kisses her forehead and asks, "Do you want me to sing for you?"

"Yes please." is all Minjoo says.

Yujin thinks for a second then sings a song they both love. Minjoo is right in front of her, exhausted to her core and badly in need of rest, yet so hopeful and weirdly wide awake for now she has gotten back the treasure she had lost for so long. As the night passes and the dawn slowly colours the sky, Minjoo will fall asleep at some point, losing herself in the calm notes and gentle voice, and when she wakes up Yujin will still be here, asleep or awake, breathing quietly while holding her.

Tomorrow,

and for the rest of her life.

-END-

"There's only one way this war ends: last man standing." - 1917 (2019).