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This was posted in the original ff so feel free to listen as you read ^^

Feel free to read through if you aren't familiar with Korean culture. Highlighted text in red = important!

+ K-Culture:

Names: A lot of Asian countries place their surname before their first name and the same holds true for Korea. So you'll see a lot of full name usage with their last name written first.

Formality: It's very important in Korean culture! Strangers will always speak formally unless they want to come off as rude. This is why people would ask for when you were born or your age; to determine whether they can drop formality or maintain it. Your age determines the status of certain titles. The older you are, the more respectful titles you get is one way of thinking of it. Same age people are considered friends and they speak informally. If you are younger, you speak formally and the older speaks informally to you. If someone younger speaks informally to someone older, it shows that they are very close/comfortable with each other. That's why if the older person wants to get close to you (and you're younger) or they are just chill overall, they will suggest to you first to drop formality and talk informally. In most cases, the younger doesn't drop formality but they change their title to something friendlier. For example, say you are the younger one and you just met someone in college. The order of their title changes from sunbaenim -> sunbae -> unnie/oppa if you are female. Anyway, I decided to underline speech to indicate that the person is speaking formally because English has no heavy emphasis on formality in its language and it helps the reader determine who is speaking without having to outright say who said what since we all know the younger one here is Minjeong. So, if there are underlined speech, you can assume it is being said by Minjeong in most cases :)

Alcohol: Huge impact in K culture. College is the gateway or official starting point of drinking culture in Korea. Everyone is legally to drink at that point and there is an event called MT (membership training) where you basically go on a trip for 2 or more days and socialize with peers. You can view it as a retreat or a field trip. During MT, there are a lot of occasions where students get wasted. I digressed. Drinking culture is strong in Korea and there are certain manners you must do to show respect to older people but I won't get into that either. Just know that it's culture is so strong that there is a word to describe food that comes as a side dish/meal/snack for drinks called, anju. There are a variety of anju that differ from, spicy, oily, dry, etc. For soju, spicy and/or oily foods/snacks. For beer, dry foods/snacks like chicken (chimaek) or dried squid...etc.

Smoking: It's pretty common in South Korea but it's rude and prohibited to smoke anywhere you want. There are designated spots to smoke. It's prohibited to smoke indoors unless there is a smoking room which is common in pubs and bars (because so many people smoke there).

Major vs Department: In America (I'm not familiar with other places), a lot of people typically generalize based on major like, "what's your major (전공)?" but in Korea, they typically use departments (과).

sunbae - senior

unnie - older sister, older female

Note: Underlined dialogue means it is spoken in a formal manner. Every other dialogue (aka it's in quotes), is informal.

Numerical superscripts are referenced in the footnote at the bottom but can be disregarded if you understand it.

ENJOY

 

             Was it two years ago? I think so.

             Was it before the summer vacation of sophomore year when Kim Minjeong finally took off her freshman shirt and looked more like a college student? I don’t remember what event it was, but it was a group drinking party. I had a boyfriend from another department at the time. We’ve dated for quite a long time, and it was to the point where my boyfriend’s face was recognizable to the students in my department. It was a drinking party where silly jokes were passed to and fro. It was just before summer vacation, so everyone was dressed in short sleeves and revealing skin. It was a cluttered, sticky, and dim bar with fast-tempo songs, drunken noises, and a light air conditioner. The drunkenness and enthusiasm of the college bar in the middle of summer was slightly tacky.

             It was when it was quite late into the night. A friend asked about my boyfriend as if it was a greeting. I answered that we were doing well when she asked how we were doing. She told me I should introduce him later, so I agreed. I nodded to that conversation, and it was while I was heading out to take a smoke when it happened. Kim Minjeong, who had been sitting beside me passing anju from the next table to my plate and pouring me alcohol, followed me.

             A dirty smoking area in front of the bar. I pulled out a cigarette as I did many times before and rummaged through my pocket but there was no lighter. I swear I had overlapped the cigarette pack with it just before. That was why I grabbed the cluster and came out but where was it? I was thinking about it when Kim Minjeong held out a lighter. Did she raise the flame to the highest limit? There was a blaze of fire as if it would burn my bangs off. I looked at her in surprise as Kim Minjeong said, “I like you, unnie.” So, I pulled my head back and said, “Do you not like my bangs? It almost got burned.” Then Kim Minjeong said, “I am confessing right now but that’s your answer?” That’s why I answered back that. After I placed the tip of the cigarette that I was biting onto towards the kid’s frightful flame. “I’m scared of things like this. My boyfriend is scared of it too.”

             I inhaled a long breath of the cigarette. Fizz. A small noise sounded at the end of the cigarette. Even though there were red spots burning at the end of the cigarette, the kid didn’t extinguish the lighter. The right thing to do was to turn it off after lighting the joint, but Kim Minjeong didn’t. She continued to hold the ghastly flame until I turned away and took two puffs. Come to think of it, she was like that. Kim Minjeong was a fiery kid just like that flame.

 

 

Jealousy is my Strength

keycab

 

 

             “Why can’t I have a breakthrough? I feel like a shooter shooting a gun during their final round, but nothing is coming out.”

             I mumbled with my head against the desk. My graduation thesis wasn’t working out. I finally decided the topic and made an outline, but its future was bleak. The kids that were under the same crisis dropped their heads against the desk at the same time instead of answering. “When is the deadline for our first correction?” “Early next month.” “Ah .” “I really don’t know.” “Hey, what would happen if you plagiarized your thesis? Wouldn’t it be alright as long as you’re not planning to enter the entertainment industry or politics?” Their senseless bull from despair rang in all directions from the four-person desk. We were pathetic seniors who barely completed our outlines and haven’t written our introduction despite it almost being May with our graduation in June. I was hitting my head a lot. I lifted my head because I thought my forehead would grow red in an ugly way. “Hey guys, let’s go drink. I heard Jihyun sunbae wrote her graduation thesis within two days. Just because you are holding onto something doesn’t mean it will come out.”

             I wish there was someone that would have stopped us. Unfortunately, there was no one like that. If there was someone like that in our group meeting, we wouldn’t have gathered in the first place. Everyone else was already busy writing the main subject and getting corrections from their appointed professors. Anyway, we, the four losers, rushed to the bar in front of the school with our soulless faces. We went there so often that the part-timer working there could speak to us informally if he wanted to. We ordered anju like usual, when Loser 1 spoke.

             “Yu Jimin, didn’t Euijoon write two graduation theses? Can’t you ask him?”

             “Hey, what are you talking about? Why are you talking about Euijoon?”

             Before I could answer, four eyes turned, directed at Loser 1. Loser 2, who was busy gauging my reaction1, hurriedly slapped Loser 1’s back and spoke, “Are you crazy? She broke up with Euijoon a week ago…” When Loser 1 heard that, she covered . “Oh crap. Sorry, I’ve been so busy lately. You know I haven’t been coming to school lately, right? I’m really sorry. Hey, I really didn’t know.” Loser 1 muttered, not knowing what to do. Loser 3 chewed on the puffed grain, a basic anju, and said, “That’s why you should read the group chat even if you’re too lazy to since you’re behind on all the chats. You’re such a bad friend.” My friends criticized Loser 1 for me, so I just kept my mouth closed while shrugging indifferently.

             “Should I have finished my graduation thesis before breaking up?”

             I said it just to break the ice.

             “No, you did a good job breaking up with him. I don’t think he would have been much help honestly.”

             “That son of a changed after getting a job.”

             “Yeah, anyone could tell…”

             The atmosphere became chaotic for no reason because of the awkward help from my friends. I spoke up for consolation but the nuance of it made it weird. Even if we are very close friends, this kind of talk was bound to be sensitive. And I ing hate this kind of atmosphere.

             “Hey, you should just curse him out. We agreed to do so.”

             “But to curse him out… A week is too recent…”

             “Ah, it’s because I’m a little guilty of my conscience too…”

             I won’t add onto it even if it’s cursing him out. I thought they were just gauging my reaction, but they were just being respectful to me. Come to think of it, they were friends I liked because they didn’t read the room. He and I were in a long relationship that became dull and stale from the beginning anyway. Even if I didn’t say that we broke up after Euijoon got a job and got distracted, I sometimes forget that they would have already noticed the reason for our breakup. Maybe after a month or so, if the broken story is raised as a topic for the conversation, we could curse him out all night long while drinking.

             The topic of the drinking party went around like a roulette wheel. We talked about the graduation thesis, employment, celebrities, friends, family, and even CC2 within our department, and eventually reached the talk about Kim Minjeong.

             “I don’t see Minjeong these days. Is she dating?”

             “I know right. Your cutie, Tamagotchi3.”

             “Yu Jimin’s exclusive Zippo lighter.”

             I wasn’t going to say much about Kim Minjeong. But since my friends said they haven’t seen her lately, they voiced together about my Tamagotchi, my lighter, and what not in search of her. So, I said one thing.

             “That’s all an illusion.”

             “Huh?”

             “Even if I call her now, she’s a knife4.”

 

 

///

 

 

             Kim Minjeong was a kid who liked me ever since she had entered college. Ever since her freshmen orientation, she was busy calling me “unnie, unnie” while sticking by me like chewing gum. I didn’t have any thoughts back then. Because there were a lot of underclassmen like that besides Kim Minjeong. There were about four or five other female underclassmen who followed me just as well as Kim Minjeong, so it was not that big of a deal. Although it was a bit of a big deal for her to suddenly confess the year before last summer.

             Now that she confessed, wouldn’t she get closer than now? What would happen if she took it a step further when she’s already stuck by my side like I’m raising a Tamagotchi? She would even want to go to the bathroom with me, right? There was a time when I was worried about something like this, but the situation was the opposite. Kim Minjeong, who had appeared like a ghost every minute, every second of the year, began to pop up in moderation after her confession. Not too much yet not too little. She showed up when I was about to forget her and disappeared when I grew tiresome of her on repeat. If I felt like I wasn’t being bothered, my friends would think that she disappeared. Now was the time such words would have been said. It’s been a while since I last saw her, so it was the “when I was about to forget” phase. So, the moment of her “appearance” will come soon. For some reason, I wanted to call Kim Minjeong over first this time.

             “What are you doing these days?”

             “What do you mean what are you doing? I’m attending school.”

             We were in front of the bar. She rushed over to me from a message from me asking her to come and play, and yet she answered me like this again.

             “There’s a place selling pajeon5 next, next door from here and I was there. I got together with others for a group project.”

             “I didn’t ask.”

             “No, it’s just, I thought you would be curious since I came so quickly.”

             “Did you ever not come quickly when I called you?”

             “That’s your problem, unnie. You think I’m a person that will push aside everything if you call me.”

             “I’m right. Even now.”

             “Although it’s true that it happened someway, somehow right now. Anyway…”

             Kim Minjeong suddenly lowered her head while talking. I wondered why and followed her gaze to see the destination of her greeting towards my friends inside of the bar. They must have made eye contact through the window since my friends waved wildly back at Minjeong, who smiled and greeted them. My friends bothered us to come in since it had been a while and they were excited. Then Kim Minjeong shook the lighter as if she wanted them to see it. I wasn’t even smoking but why the lighter? I smirked and took out a cigarette, naturally bringing it closer to the light. It was a moderate flame unlike before. No, it was a little weak, so it was to the point where I had to bring the end of the cigarette a lot closer for it to be of use. I pulled back the cigarette and asked with a murmuring pronunciation thanks to biting onto the cigarette.

             “Why do carry a lighter around? Do you smoke?”

             “Why are you suddenly asking?”

             Suddenly? Listening to that, it does seem like it. Whenever I needed a lighter, Kim Minjeong appeared and handed over a fire. She always did and I took it as it is, never asking, but today I just wanted to ask. Kim Minjeong didn’t bother to point out the answer but even so, I knew. So, it really was because of me that you carried it around. I burst out laughing. It wasn’t because I liked it, but it was a strange feeling that’s hard to explain…

             “What kind of group project is it? Is it for a general elective course?”

             “Yes. It’s the one you took last semester. If you have any materials, please give it to me.”

             “The course I took last semester? What was it? Was it something like mass media?”

             “Yes, that’s right.”

             “There’s a kid I know that’s taking it. Her name is Jungwon… She’s part of the department of theater and film.”

             “Huh? She’s part of our group. Department of theater and film Ha Jungwon. Isn’t she in her fourth year? And pretty.”

             “Oh, that’s right. Fourth year Ha Jungwon. Part of the department of theater and film… and she’s pretty.”

 

 

///

 

 

             I heard that they gathered at the place that sells pajeon next, next door to the bar, so I stopped by. The Ha Jungwon who was in the same group as Kim Minjeong was really the Ha Jungwon that I knew. I got to know her from a club but after I quit, I haven’t really been in contact with her. But we followed each other on Instagram and asked how we were doing sometimes. If we met, we would greet each other with delight and we got along well. She has a good personality, a pretty face, and likes to have fun so she knows a lot of people. She had so many connections that she couldn’t refuse get-togethers. She was a fool that was good at retaking classes. I happened to take that class with her last semester. I heard she didn’t get a good score and was retaking the course. So, she was in the same group as Kim Minjeong. The world is quite small.

             Ha Jungwon, whom I haven’t met in a while, seemed to be prettier than before. I was really delighted to meet her and greeted her as such. In a flash, I placed my arm around Kim Minjeong’s shoulder and introduced her. “She’s a junior in our department. Her name is Minjeong. She’s nice and cute.” Then Ha Jungwon replied, “I was actually going to ask you since she was part of your department.” She had told Minjeong that she was my friend and had asked Minjeong if she knew me. She had been thinking about asking since they weren’t close yet. Jungwon smiled cheerfully as if she were shy and looked at me and Kim Minjeong alternatively. Kim Minjeong stared absentmindedly under my arm with her eyes blinking softly. Honestly, I wanted to talk more but it was a bit awkward to since it wasn’t a place created for just us three and other group members were present. I told them we should meet again later and left that day. I said I would contact her while saying the three of us should eat together some time.

             And that day came earlier than I thought. It was around three days after we met at the pajeon restaurant. Jungwon contacted me saying that they had gathered for the group project again, she was with Minjeong, and asked if I wanted to eat with them. I was planning to eat at the school dining hall, but I thought it would be better to eat properly so I changed my plan to meet with them for dinner. “Let’s eat pork belly barbeque and soju in front of the school.”

              Kim Minjeong and Ha Jungwon appeared together making me wonder if the class that they were taking together was in the afternoon. The three of them sat around at a round table. The crowded barbeque restaurant was filled with noise from other college students. Our table wasn’t much different either. The conversation naturally flowed about professors, assignments, graduation papers, and college life.

             “That’s right. I heard about Euijoon. That crazy bastard…”

             “Huh? Do you also know Lee Euijoon, sunbae?”

             It wasn’t just Euijoon sunbae but Lee Euijoon. Before I could answer Kim Minjeong suddenly stepped in. I was going to respond back but just shrugged my shoulders. Jungwon, who had received the question, looked back at Minjeong and murmured, “Yeah. I know him of course. I knew Euijoon earlier. Although I got closer with Jimin later.” To explain it roughly, Minjeong’s eyes widened. “What do you mean by you heard about Euijoon?” It was only then when both of their attention pointed towards my direction. I spoke more indifferently for no reason.

             “Ah, I broke up. With Euijoon.”

             Ha Jungwon took a long breath and bit her lips as if she was comforting me from a sad story. I knew the intention behind her reaction, so I displayed a smile to show I was fine. Kim Minjeong was the one that asked but she didn’t say a word after that. Her face was quite serious with tightly sealed. Jungwon must have felt awkward. She raised her glass as if to shake off the awkwardness. She wanted to make a toast, but all three glasses were empty. All of the bottles on the table were empty too. Jungwon shook an empty bottle and murmured, “I guess we should order more alcohol.” Kim Minjeong was still looking at me with a serious face even as she said that. “Let’s make a toast after I come back from the bathroom.” Jungwon ordered more alcohol and disappeared into the bathroom. Kim Minjeong, who stared at me with a grumpy face, only then opened .

             “Did you break up with Lee Euijoon?”

             “Yeah.”

             “Why didn’t you tell me?”

             “Do I have to tell you that?”

             “You have to tell me.”

             “Why should I?”

             “If you say it like that…”

             “You have nothing to say, right?”

             “No. I’m saying I have something to say that I don’t necessarily have to say.”

             “And what is that?”

             “I’m loyal. It’s obviously something that would put me in a good mood. Of course, you have to tell me.”

             Because it had been a while since we last met, I had forgotten. Kim Minjeong was always like this. However, I never forgot what I would say whenever she was like this.

             “I’m not going to meet you just because I broke up with Lee Euijoon. Why would it put you in a good mood?”

             “…”

             At my words, the grumpy expression quickly returned, setting her eyes ablaze. Like a flame, her fighting spirit burned. Kim Minjeong was a kid that originally liked to hide her feelings even when she liked me. I could tell by seeing the decrease in her appearance after her confession. But did she change her strategy since it wasn’t working at all? Since last year, she would be so blatantly obvious about her feelings sometimes. Although it was a very different method from ordinary people…

             Anyway, that’s why I had to change my ways accordingly. Whenever she climbed up, I would periodically press her back down. The funny thing is that whenever I did that, Kim Minjeong would seethe back up more each time. Such a response was fascinating yet on one hand, I felt bad. What I’m trying to tell her is to give up. Don’t let your weird hope ruin your heart. However, even if I press her down like that, I felt uncomfortable because why on earth won’t she give up? It’s up to her to take care of herself. I wasn’t the type to care so much about upsetting her because in the end, I was doing it for myself. Still, Kim Minjeong…

             “It was like that when I broke up with Taekyung and when I broke up with Woojin. It’s the same even now.”

             “…”

             “I’m not going to date you because I broke up with them. Why do you feel good every time I break up with them? Do you wish for my misfortune?”

             “I’ll be disappointed if you take it like that.”

             “Right. I’m disappointed too. I’ve been telling you this for three years but why has there been no change.”

             “Unnie, you should just accept it since it’s been three years. Because I also resign whenever you go out with your boyfriend.”

             “Three years; I’m seriously tired of it. That’s why I’m going to make sure I graduate this year. So that your heart will stop hurting.”

             “But it doesn’t hurt? Don’t be mistaken.”

             She’s the type of kid that doesn’t give up and is persistent. Now, her youth is a waste.

             “You should date, Minjeong-ah. You’re pretty, nice, and cute. You’re popular. For what reason are you spending your college life like this?”

             “If you’re so worried, then you can do that for me.”

             “What do you want me to do for you? Date?”

             “Why do you ask me if you know?”

             “Think about it while excluding me.”

             “Do you have to say it like that…”

             Kim Minjeong murmured dissatisfiedly and took a sip of water. It’s been a while since she was discouraged. There weren’t many days like this. I thought it would be best to shut her down without a doubt for the first time in a while, so I raised the RPM.

             “I can do everything with you. I can do this kind of worrying. I can be a good sunbae, unnie, friend, whatever it is, just anything. But-”

             “But?”

             “But date someone else.”

             “…”

             “I’ll do everything for you except dating.”

             “…”

             “Minjeong-ah, when it comes to dating, there are a lot of good people. Choose one. They’re everywhere, even here.”

             I knew the glass was empty but dangled it without realizing it. It’s been a while since we ordered alcohol, but it hasn’t come yet. Did Ha Jungwon faint in the bathroom? Why is she so slow? Those were my thoughts when it happened. Jungwon just came out of the bathroom and murmured, “Yu Jimin, want to smoke?” I thought it was the right time to stop conversing, so I grabbed my cigarettes and stood up. I told her to grill the meat well since I was going for a smoke, but Kim Minjeong stood up like it was a habit. Well, it is true that Kim Minjeong always went out with me.

             In front of the restaurant. The employees that had a company dinner swarmed the front of the ash trays full of cigarette butts before disappearing. The three of us stood at one end. I took a joint out and placed it between my lips. As a habit, I faced Kim Minjeong, but Kim Minjeong placed the lighter’s flame towards Ha Jungwon.

             “… What the heck.”

             Without me realizing, I let out those words. Ha Jungwon, who lit her cigarette with Kim Minjeong’s lighter, blinked her eyes and faced me as if to ask if something was wrong. Kim Minjeong put her lighter away into her pocket after lighting Jungwon’s cigarette. I was taken aback that I naturally scoffed with a “ha”. Minjeong fiddled with her bangs before shoving both hands into her pocket acting as if she had no idea what was wrong. I was dumbfounded so I held the cigarette in my mouth and spoke as if it was absurd, “I don’t have a lighter.” The cigarette that was held at the tip of my lips shook every time I mumbled a syllable. Then Jungwon took out a lighter from her pocket and handed it to me. I didn’t take it and glared at Kim Minjeong only, saying it again.

             “Kim Minjeong, I said I don’t have a lighter.”

             Then Kim Minjeong took out her hand that she had shoved deep into her pocket. I thought in her hand there would be the Zippo lighter that I was familiar with, but it wasn’t. Kim Minjeong’s slender fingers with prominent joints overlapped with Ha Jungwon’s hand in the air. As if holding hands, she gently picked up the lighter and handed it to me. The light wasn’t even on. I was so flabbergasted that I laughed out loud.

             Snap. I grabbed the lighter as if I had snatched it and lit the end of my cigarette. Fizz. A burning sound came from the tip of the cigarette. The corner of my mouth rose into a strange angle. I murmured in a low tone as if I was talking to myself so no one could hear me.

             “Yeah… So, you’re saying you chose one. After three years.”

 

 

///

 

 

             Ha Jungwon has a perfect face. Her features were clear but not too prominent and were well balanced. She had clear skin, a high nose, double eyelids, and thick eyebrows. The look in her eyes was good. Even if she appeared cold when was shut and her face was expressionless, when she laughed, her face was bright as if the sun had risen. She was as overflowingly refreshing as a cover model for College Tomorrow6, and she would stand out to any passerby because she was tall and slim. She was the epitome of the first love protagonist from an upright and pure youth film.

             That’s why everyone would be surprised when they heard she smokes with a face like that. Whenever that happened, Ha Jungwon would smile like the spring sun and say, “So what?”. I really liked that aspect about her. Even if she lived in a way where she tolerated things by thinking good things are good, she had an aspect to her where she would be blunt to irrational people that picked fights with her. It was the art of life where if you don’t provoke, you’ll never show your claws and maintain a decent figure of a good person. I liked that balance in Ha Jungwon. Sometimes I could actively see the angular difference between her and me when I dislike the things I hate more than liking the things I like.

             “Yu Jimin. Did you graduate from a high school of engineering or an all-girls?”

             The school café. It was the day when I met Ha Jungwon separately to give class materials for the group project. Jungwon asked that question instead of typing on her laptop. I had been looking for the files but replied calmly.

             “Engineering. Why?”

             “Just cause. If you graduated from an all-girls high school, I would’ve asked you something.”

             “What?”

             “You said you weren’t from an all-girls high school.”

             I thought it was something about the assignment, but the nuance was completely different. Exactly what did she want to ask that she’s acting like this? I became a little curious too.

             “What’s the matter?”

             “Never mind. I have to ask someone that came from an all-girls high school.”

             “Just say it.”

             “No, I’m really sorry. Sorry for stopping in the middle of our talk. But you really don’t have to mind it.”

             “I know a kid that graduated from one. Do you want to ask her then?”

             Even though I gave her a rough solution, she didn’t look all that happy. It seemed like it was a question that she only wanted to ask someone that she was close to like me. However, she must have been curious because Jungwon thought about it briefly before asking, “Who?” So, I answered softly.

             “Kim Minjeong graduated from an all-girls high school.”

             “Oh… Not Minjeong.”

             “Why not her? She would know best since she graduated from an all-girls middle school and high school.”

             “It’s just… I don’t think I can ask her.”

             “What is it?”

             When I asked again, she only smiled and looked at her laptop. That expression… A strong intuition hit my head.

             “Ha Jungwon.”

             “Yeah?”

             “I said Kim Minjeong graduated from an all-girls high school.”

             “Forget it. She’s…”

             I asked twice and knew for sure. What she wanted to ask to a girl that graduated from an all-girls high school. That it was about Kim Minjeong.

             “…”

             “…”

             As I reached that conclusion, complicated algorithms poured out of my head. I arranged Kim Minjeong’s actions over the past three years step by step and pictured them one by one. What if Kim Minjeong really did decide to seduce her? Then it was right to see Ha Jungwon in that state right now. That puppy like girl would blindly pounce on me, not thinking clearly to the point where she didn’t realize my bangs were burning from the flame of the lighter. That’s why I think I know what she wanted to ask. I could roughly picture it. There are only girls at an all-girls high school so she would ask about what would happen between girls and blah blah blah. If girls continue to socialize, will they fall in love, and what not. She wouldn’t be able to finish her sentence and ask like that, right? So, why did Ha Jungwon want to ask those questions right now? If you think about it, I kept asking her questions even though it was an obvious cause and effect.

             Did Minjeong really make up her mind and choose Ha Jungwon? Did she show her feelings randomly without thinking to her like she did to me? Even though she always stuck to me saying she likes me, I thought she wouldn’t like her and would stay pressed down like always. She’s a kid that can handle emotions that aren’t a joke by passing it on as a joke and can easily say she doesn’t like me. But Ha Jungwon was different. Ha Jungwon was a kid that missed classes and retook courses because she couldn’t postpone her friends’ get-togethers. Even if she refused injustice and ignorance, she couldn’t refuse kindness and affection easily and worries…

             “Jungwon-ah.”

             “Yeah.”

             “Do you have a boyfriend right now?”

             “No, I don’t.”

             “Then do you have someone you like?”

             “Huh?”

             “Do you have a crush on someone?”

             It was a highly anticipated response. She couldn’t readily say no nor say yes. She had to think about the answer itself. Her eyelids flickered quickly, and her gaze lowered slightly. In between the gap of her lashes, her pupils were rapidly rolling side to side... I supposed so. That’s why she wanted to ask those questions. Because she didn’t know if she liked Kim Minjeong or not.

             I was about to add oil to the fire and ask her to answer quickly when- Ring. The sound of the café door opening was heard loudly. When I instinctively looked back, Kim Minjeong was there. She was dangling macaroons she had bought from a different café so blatantly that the owner of this café would probably see it.

             “Hi~”

             Kim Minjeong’s sudden appearance prevented me from hearing the answer that Ha Jungwon said but with Kim Minjeong’s sudden appearance, the answer that Ha Jungwon herself didn’t know was clearly known. Right now, from Ha Jungwon’s gaze when she had turned around to look at Kim Minjeong. Her eyes twinkled like the shattering sunlight and her lips rose with joy. That’s how I knew. Yeah, Kim Minjeong really made up her mind. She was seducing her. And she fell for it. For those kind of things…

 

 

///

 

 

             I don’t know why I stayed in the department lounge tonight to give the materials for a liberal arts course I finished last semester with an A+ for her.

             “Do you usually lie down in front of anyone like this?”

             “No.”

             “Then what is this right now?”

             “I’m now close with you, unnie. You’re not just anyone at this point.”

             The couch in the department lounge. I saw Kim Minjeong laying on Ha Jungwon’s lap spitting out a sentence that naturally would have eliminated the mother of honorifics as she spoke informally. Anyway, I think she wanted me to see her like this. She wanted me to watch in real time how my female stalker junior that had suffered a one sided crush tediously for the past three years broke free. To make me see that and make me feel lighthearted… To make me feel something like that.

             “This is your assignment. It’s not my assignment. Stop dating and come finish it up.”

             It had already been three hours. It wasn’t even my own assignment, but I stayed in the department lounge to help collect data like a person who was under immediate crisis. The three of us couldn’t eat dinner properly because it was supposed to be submitted by midnight today. Ha Jungwon sat down on the sofa because she wanted to take a break while waiting for the food that they had ordered for delivery to arrive and so Kim Minjeong followed and laid there. Then I could go sit next to them to rest too or do something else, but I didn’t want to. I don’t know, I felt weird. Is this the feeling of lightheartedness after a troublesome girl, that had a crush on you, leaves? I don’t think so. That’s why after less than five minutes of resting, I blurted that out. Of course, the pair didn’t even pretend to hear.

             “Hey, your eyelashes are really long.”

             “Yours are long too, unnie. Unnie, your hair is long too.”

             They were excited as if they were in their own world whilst laying on the sofa. Ha Jungwon’s long hair that was glossy enough to advertise a shampoo was drooping as her attention was entirely on Kim Minjeong. Kim Minjeong pretended to be bothered but answered back whenever Ha Jungwon spoke. She would lay with her eyes closed and arms crossed but when Ha Jungwon said something, she would open her eyes again and make eye contact with her. I observed that blankly. I kept getting weird feelings in my chest. I wondered if this really was the feeling of lightheartedness while putting down all of my laptop’s open windows and heading to Naver7, searching for the meaning of “lighthearted”.

             “Should I cut it? It’s spring now.”

             “No. Don’t ever cut it. Long hair is pretty. I like long hair.”

             “What does your preference have to do with anything?”

             “It doesn’t matter. Even so, don’t cut it.”

             “And if I don’t like my long hair?”

             “I doubt you will hate it. I bet unnie will never cut your hair.”

             Ha Jungwon laughed. Kim Minjeong also laughed. For what reason was she showing her dimples so cutely? I looked at my monitor. I looked at the definition of “lighthearted” that popped up from the search bar. Lighthearted, adjective. The first definition. Light and comfortable without being burdensome.

             “Hm… I won’t cut it, ever. I like long hair, too.”

             “Good. You listen well. How pretty8.”

             The second definition. Not important because it is easy to handle…

             “Minjeong-ah, do you want to go out for a smoke?”

             “I don’t smoke though.”

             “I know. But you have a lighter.”

             “Well, alright. I’ll also get some fresh air while I’m at it~”

             Light and comfortable without being burdensome. Not important because it is easy to handle. . It wasn’t either one. No matter how much I think about it, I don’t think this was me, feeling lighthearted. That’s why I grabbed my pack of cigarettes, stood up facing the back of their heads, and spoke up. Because I don’t feel lighthearted at all. Because I’m ing frustrated.

             “Hey, let’s go together. I want to smoke too.”

             If I looked up “inexplicably feeling like ”9 in the Korean dictionary, would what I was feeling properly be defined? Those were my thoughts. 

 

 

///

 

 

             Kim Minjeong, a Zippo lighter that Yu Jimin uses. Now that was a saying in the past. Kim Minjeong no longer held out her flame to me. The flame that had only been risen to me is now directed to Ha Jungwon only. I didn’t want to ask why she wouldn’t light it for me. Because I didn’t even want to give Ha Jungwon any chance to say, “You should give Jimin the flame too” with . That’s why I lit it up and exhaled the fumes faster than anyone else. I wasn’t sure if Kim Minjeong knew the reason why I was like this, but she showed no interest. She just stood between the two of us who were smoking with no expression. She must have not liked the smoke moving in front of her because she blew it away with a scrunched face.

             After smoking silently, Ha Jungwon left to retrieve the delivery food from the entrance of the student hall. Kim Minjeong and I were the only ones left in the smoking area. Neither Kim Minjeong nor I spoke. I haven’t felt any awkwardness in the last three years, but today was kind of like that. Was it because whenever I conversed with Kim Minjeong, she would always start by retorting back? Or was it because I could easily think of what I had to say back then? And what was special about now that I couldn’t think of anything to say anymore? Anyway, I couldn’t bring myself to open my lips easily right now. I inhaled another sip of the lit cigarette, that had already reached the end of its filter, for no reason and threw it away. I rubbed my foot on the cigarette that had already lost its flame when I heard mumbling from my side.

             “It seemed to have died a long time ago. Why are you stepping on it like that?”

             I raised my head and turned to face her. Kim Minjeong was looking at me sourly from a two-step distance. It was a familiar image but somehow it looked different. That rider jacket was what she usually wore. Did it always look good on her like that before? Anyway, Kim Minjeong’s expression looked very uninterested. As if she was bored to be with me. Seeing that face, words fell out of my mouth before I even thought about it.

             “When did you start talking informally with Jungwon?”

             “About two days ago?”

             “Why don’t you speak casually with me?”

             “Have you ever told me to?”

             “Did Jungwon ever tell you to?”

             “Of course. She told me to, so I did. I wouldn’t talk so casually to your friend like that otherwise, unnie.”

             I wouldn’t talk so casually to your friend like that otherwise, unnie. My feelings felt strangely twisted after hearing those words.

             “Then speak casually with me too.”

             “I don’t want to.”

             “Why?”

             “Just cause.”

             “Are you kidding me?”

             “Unnie, you suddenly want me to talk casually with you just because I’m talking informally with Jungwon. I don’t like that.”

             “Why don’t you like that?”

             “Ah, I just don’t like it. It’s not like I need your permission for not liking that.”

             As soon as Kim Minjeong finished saying that, she read a Kakao Talk message that came from Ha Jungwon. “Unnie is waiting in front of the department lounge with our food. I’ll head back up first.” Then, she went up the stairs without looking back. I was the only flustered one who absent-mindedly stared at her back disappearing. The kid that had answered okay to everything was now saying no and was easily annoyed by trivial things like this. I couldn’t get used to that.

             “Ah. What the heck, seriously?”

             That’s why I talked out loud to myself which was something I had never done in my entire life. I stayed there longer, sulking after the kid disappeared up the stairs. Very awkwardly.

 

 

///

 

 

             Sunday. I played phone games on my bed until late afternoon. The appointments I made with my friends that wanted to meet under the excuse of writing the thesis were all ignored as I stayed cooped up and screwed. Then I got up suddenly and trudged to the convenience store wearing my fleece jacket. I came back in disheveled and with a crumbly bag, so my mom asked.

             “What’s that? A plastic bag?”

             “Beer.”

             “What’s the occasion? You’re drinking at home. You’ve always wandered around outside all red and drinking.”

             “Oh, just cause. I have to write a thesis, but I can’t concentrate.”

             “If you need to write a thesis, you need to be sober. Why are you drinking?”

             “Ah, nagging is prohibited. Mom, entering my room is prohibited too.”

             “Don’t be ridiculous.”

             “Oh, what? No picking fights either.”

             I was thinking the same thing my mother was thinking as I retorted back. Seriously, you’re ridiculous. Yu Jimin.

             “…”

             I closed the door and sat in front of my desk. I opened my laptop and stared at the empty window screen. I opened one can of beer and took a refreshing sip. And then I continued to glare at the empty screen with a serious expression.

             “…”

             My hands that were on the keyboard weren’t moving but it seemed like I was writing on the empty window. Kim Minjeong, does she really like Ha Jungwon? After I asked the question that I had pushed away and pressed down, my head become complicated as if it would explode. My hand that was over the keyboard reached for the beer can. I was on an empty stomach so the cold beer running down my throat felt very blatant. My thoughts were jumbled and written on the empty screen.

             After three years of unrequired love, is it possible to get rid of it all at once like that? She said she liked me just a few days ago, yet she can become like that right away? I don’t think so. If she was the kind of kid to change her mind so quickly, why would she waste her time for three years? She was a kid that followed me around despite me being passive aggressive every time. I mean, does it make sense that her character can change quickly like, like this? It doesn’t make sense. Ah, it seriously ing doesn’t make sense. I can’t be drunk after one sip of beer. And I was in the right state of mind. So, what I’m saying was that these thoughts can’t be wrong. No matter how frustrated I am, I won’t get an answer by doing this alone. Then… Then there was only one way.

             “…”

             Am I actually insane? I grabbed my phone and opened Kim Minjeong’s Kakao Talk profile11 as if I suddenly remembered to do something. I was relieved to see that there was no change. Why am I relieved? What am I worried about? Even though I thought it was funny seeing myself like this, I opened Instagram. I clicked onto Kim Minjeong’s account. I glared at the screen, browsing to see if anything new came up. My finger kept lowering the feed while constantly thinking about how my current state was amusing, childish