they said that once you see the one, the world will come to a stop

and there's that slowmo thing as well

it's always like that, even in kdramas

and so i started believing them

 

until she entered the room.

 

it was a cold afternoon- salamat sa aircon ng room namin na napaka-lakas

i thought (learned) na ah so this is how it feels like na maging hotdog sa ref

 

first day of class, first sem, junior year, i was sitting by the window with a friend then

i normally ignore it when the door opens

but she slammed it so hard, i couldn't help but look her way

 

she did a 90-degree bow and said her sorry, panting

mukhang tinakbo niya entrance hanggang room

she looked at her watch and i think that's when she realized that she's still 5 minutes early

i couldn't help but chuckle and that's when she looked my way

 

i remember biting my bottom lip so hard because when our eyes met

i saw it

not the slowmo thing

but my world definitely felt like it stopped for a second

 

✯

 

we weren't really blockmates, heck, i was taking cruise line and nursing student naman siya

you looked really gorgeous in that white uniform of yours, by the way

anyway, i thought na i was going to hate this business communication subject of ours

ugh, minor subject that i'm never going to use sa barko

 

but she made it bearable- enjoyable even

to the point that i never skipped this class just so i can get a glimpse of her

 

and so when one day,  when our prof decided to give us a group project wherein we had to count up 'til 8

and those with the same number will be in the same group

i panicked, internally- glad no one noticed

kasi naman, we never really interacted dun sa isang buwan na we've been classmates

 

and all of a sudden, we're groupmates na

 

she sat in front of me as we circled our chairs

as i was explaining what we're going to do- i still hate you guys for making me the leader

i looked everywhere but her way- you were staring so hard kaya i felt uneasy

 

until she called my name

and i never knew that my name sounds so good

or dahil yun sa siya ang nagbanggit?

 

"Winter," i looked at her with an eyebrow raised, not the masungit way naman

she stared for a few seconds tapos umiling, "nothing," she said

i nodded, "okay", sabi ko nalang, still confused

lakas ng trip

 

but i noticed her shivering because of it

so without thinking twice, i removed my coat and handed it to her

you see, my uniform consists of a coat, white polo, cravat, shoulder boards, skirt, and stockings

okay na ako nalang lamigin, 'wag lang siya

 

she looked shocked and confused but i'm glad na kinuha at sinuot niya pa din

cute din pala sa nursing uniform yung coat ng cruise line

 

it earned me teasing gazes from our group, lalo na sa kaibigan ko na nasa kabilang dulo ng room

i-interrogate na naman ako ni Ning later, hawk-eyed talaga ang loko

 

after planning, we exchanged numbers, added each other on Facebook, and created a group chat

 

Jimin: hey

she messaged me directly instead of sending a chat sa gc

 

Me: hey?

i replied

 

Jimin: uh

Jimin: not sure if you know this pero part ako ng wvt

Jimin: i have training pag mwf so if ever i wont be able to attend meetings on those days

Jimin: sorry i forgot to mention this earlier

Jimin: im free on t th tho

Jimin: i mean after our class

Jimin: i can meet with you if you need me

Jimin: for our proj

Jimin: and also, i forgot to return your coat

Jimin: thank you for lending it to me

Jimin: you were in a rush earlier so i couldnt hand it to you

 

i know, i chuckled. ang cute niya mag-text

i know that because she's always on my timeline, fb,twitter, pati na din ig

her fans are always posting her pictures sa soc med whenever open yung training nila

as for my coat... dang

 

Me: Thank you for the heads up!

Me: I'll try to match your schedule. What time does your training end ba?

Me: As for the coat, don't worry about it. May spare ako. You can return it on Thursday.

 

Jimin: around 7 if we're lucky

Jimin: 10 if not

Jimin: and are u sure it's okay?

Jimin: don't u have class at 10 am tom?

Jimin: i can return it tom naman

 

nagulat ako nang mabasa ko yung text niya, i mean, how did she even know that?

sa isang subject lang kami magkaklase

 

Me: Noted.

Me: I'm sure. And yes, how'd you know?

Me: May class ka din ba sa morning?

 

Jimin: oh

 

typing...

she was stuck at typing for i don't know how long

 

Jimin: my teammate

Jimin: aeri, she's in ur class

Jimin: she saw me wearing ur coat

Jimin: so i kinda mentioned u and she told me that u guys were classmates

Jimin: rizal right?

Jimin: ill return it to u then :)

 

oh... i didn't know that

i never really paid attention to that subject

either i'm zoning out or nagdadaldalan kami ni Ning

siguro absent ako 'pag pumapasok si Aeri since hindi ko siya napansin din

 

Me: Oh. Sure.

 

ha, i won't get anywhere with these dry replies

but you can't judge me

yes, i may be crushing on her pero... torpe ako, i guess?

i'm not even sure if she swings that way

so buo na loob ko

happy crush lang 'to, i'll appreciate her from afar lang- just like a normal fan

 

i won't make a move- let's be professional nalang Winter

 

wednesday morning came, i saw her waiting standing outside of our room

i suppressed my smile- you looked good in those high waist jeans, black crop top, and varsity jacket

wala siguro 'tong klase kasi hindi naka-special uniform, friday pa naman 

 

Jimin was talking to Aeri who looked like she was teasing her

"Girl, you're whipped!" i heard her say as she lightly slapped Jimin's shoulder

 

i'm not sure if i saw it right but it seemed like her ears turned red before she ran her fingers through her hair which made her hair fall over her shoulders

not sure din if they felt my presence, bigla kasi sila lumingon sa direction ko as i walked towards them

 

"Hi, Winter," Aeri greeted me and I nodded at her with a small smile

she looked at Jimin, "I'll be heading inside na and we'll talk later," Aeri winked at Jimin before heading inside with a knowing smile plastered on her face

 

"Hey."

"Hey."

 

we said in unison which made the both of us laugh

 

she handed a paper bag to me, which felt kind of heavy- weird

the bell rang

 

i saw my professor heading towards us so i had to bid her goodbye before she could even speak

sayang

 

my phone vibrated and i checked it as soon as i sat beside Ning who's eyeing the paper bag na nilapag ko sa tabi ko

 

Jimin: thank you again!

Jimin: gl with class and i hope u'll enjoy ur lunch :)

 

lunch?

 

a small smile formed on my face

i opened the paper bag and

oh...

 

Ning saw it too, nakisilip eh

she shoved me lightly, wearning an annoying smirk on her face

 

Jimin packed lunch... for me?

✯

 

it was a sunny afternoon when i arrived at the gym where Jimin's practice is gonna be held

we agreed that i'll just discuss what she'll have to do for our booth and since it's friday, she couldn't join our meeting

she had classes earlier and in a few minutes they'll be training na

i tried so hard to focus as i was explaining the details and i'm so glad i didn't stutter

Jimin's staring so hard, again

is she even listening?

her teammates also kept on glancing at us kaya mas nadi-distract ako pero kaya ko 'to

 

before i could even finish, her coach arrived

 

"I'm really sorry about this... ano kasi, I- I don't know how to tie my hair and Aeri is already warming up... Is it okay if you do it for me?" she asked shyly which made me stunned, nahihiya din pala 'to?

cute, "it's okay, if you're not comf-"

 

"Give me your hair tie," i said which made her pause for a sec tapos nag-smile din bago i-abot yung tali niya

 

"Have you ever thought of learning on how to do this?" i asked, curious lang

 

she stifled a laugh, "i tried but it's so hard, always ends up looking like a mess, and... i don't want to cut my hair."

wala naman akong sinabi about cutting her hair, she looks really gorgeous kaya with her long hair na abot hanggang waist niya

 

i hummed, "there you go, don't worry about me and just take your time, i'll wait for you."

 

she looked at me, confused, "really? it's going to take hours? would you be alright?" she asked like she was rapping sa bilis but at the same time, she sounded worried

it's 4 in the afternoon palang kasi and just like what she's told me before, around 7 pa tapos nila

although may breaks pero waiting for 3 hours is no joke pa din

 

it was my turn to chuckle

i nodded and shooed her when her teammate called for her na

 

"thanks again," she pointed at her hair tapos hinubad niya yung jacket niya, the one with her last name na naka-print sa likod

she placed it on my lap, i looked at her, confused

 

pero she ran towards them na before i could even ask what it was for

 

i felt the wind blow strongly

ah, the gym here sa rooftop isn't entirely closed, yung likod ng bleachers where im sitting is actually open

and right now, i'm wearing a white shirt beneath a strap dress

 

sweet

 

oh Jimin, what are you doing to me?

i couldn't help but feel giddy

 

✯

 

it's almost finals na ng second sem

finally, in just a few weeks, summer will start, vacation!!!

 

my phone rang

 

Love calling

 

i answered the call

 

Jimin: hey, meet me sa staircase, i need my babyyyy

 

she sounded like a kid asking cutely for a candy

 

Me: okay, wait for me

Jimin: fasteeeeeer

 

i ended the call and ran towards her

 

hindi mo talaga aakalain na yung idol niyo sa volleyball, yung may resting face na akala mo may kaaway palagi

parang bata most of the time

jowa privelege

 

and to be honest, i don't know how it happened

or maybe i do?

 

basta nagulat nalang ako na kausap ko na siya hanggang 2 am

nagulat nalang ako na instead of Aeri, ako na taga-tali ng hair niya

nagulat nalang ako na we're having coffee dates na after her training

yun nga, nagulat din ako kasi instead of watching my favorite series, nakatambay na ako sa gym with Ning, waiting for their training to end

nagulat nalang ako na she'd randomly call me, asking to meet with me sa ganitong classroom or kaya sa staircase malapit sa gym just so she can hug me- not that i'm complaining

nagulat nalang ako na napapadalas na yung pag-hold niya ng hand ko, actually. parang may magnet na nga yung kamay namin kasi automatic, 'pag kami lang dalawa, bigla nalang nagi-intertwine

nagulat nalang ako na  nagse-send na ako sa kanya ng song covers para lang makatulog siya sa gabi, she said na it helps her relax, lalo na nung finals namin nung first sem kasi sobrang stressed and pressured sa game siya that time

 

it became my new normal

 

pero yung happy crush ko, hindi ko na sure kung ano na 'yon

basta alam ko, i started looking forward na sa pagpasok sa school knowing na i'll get to see her

 

i loved our setup kahit para kaming secret girlfriends

not because she's hiding me, like sa typical movie na famous yung isa tapos commoner lang yung isa

i think she's just being considerate, i once mentioned kasi yung thoughts ko about Notting Hill nung pinanood namin yun sa condo ko

ayaw ko ng stress, ang hirap kaya ng situation dun ni William pero masaya naman sila...

prying eyes and hateful words, people jumping to conclusions

just because they have different social statuses

 

basta yun, ang nasa isip ko lang that time

peace of mind above all

i don't do overwhelming

 

hindi naman kasi biro pagka-famous nito ni Jimin, not her fault na she's an amazing player tapos ang ganda niya pa

but imagine, mahigit 1m followers niya both ig at twitter

hindi pa ako ready maging stage girlfriend?

hindi pa ko ready na i-judge ako ng tao?

na hindi ako enough?

na ma-compare ako sa ibang tao na gusto nila for Jimin, daming suitor nito tsaka ship- kainis, joke 1/2

na hanapan ako ng mali sa past ko... hala, may tinusok ba akong lapis nung elementary ako?

 

kaso marupok ako

Jimin niyo bigla ba naman umamin sa 'kin after ng exam week din

ano ba naman yung worries ko 'di ba?

Yoo Jimin na 'to, patay na patay ako dito

pabebe pa ba ako?

baka ako na pumatay sa sarili ko kung ganon

 

and so when we had that candelit dinner she prepared sa condo niya

made me speechless by the way kasi A+++ for effort, she had to snap me back into reality because i was too dazed- in awe with what i saw

 

tapos she confessed how she's been crushing on me since sophomore year kasi she said na ang ganda daw ng boses ko- she accidentally heard me sing sa room nung sobrang aga ko pumasok by mistake- ha! ano kayo ngayon? ako pala crush nito, labas mga asungot!

...kaya pala lagi siya nagre-request na kantahan ko siya

tapos she also admitted na mas lalo siya sa 'kin na-attract nung naging groupmates kami and then umabot sa point na hindi niya kaya i-keep yung feelings niya

na-realize niya kasi na hindi nalang pala niya ako crush bata lang? nung nakita niya si Somi na inaya akong mag-date last week, bonak talaga yun eh

classmate ko since freshman year, medyo close kami tapos naging groupmate namin last sem kaya kilala ni Jimin- umarte na nagtatampo sa 'kin kasi i rarely hangout na daw with her tapos naging extra clingy pa siya that day habang nanonood kami ng training ng WVT

the glares i received from Jimin that day, God, yung takot ko na baka sa direction namin niya i-spike yung bola tapos sobra pa niya akong tinarayan nun

 

selos pala siya...

 

so yup, thanks to Somi who triggered my girl

she ended up confessing that she loves me

 

the thing is Jimin actually wanted to ask for permission to court me lang that day pero sabi ko why waste our time kung pwede naman natin ligawan isa't-isa everyday, with label? i love you and ayoko na magbigay ng rason para magselos ka pa thinking that i'm not yours when in fact, i am. so claim me. i don't want to add na sa stress mo, ayoko na mag-overthink ka, basta i'll court you everyday nalang and you can do the same. i want you to feel secured. so, you good with that?

 

"Hey, love. What's up?" i asked her with a smile on my face as i placed my hands on her waist, looking at her softly and slightly panting

 

"I just missed you," she pouted tapos niyakap ako at isinandal ang ulo niya sa kaliwang balikat ko. "I haven't seen you in days, I need my vitamin W."

 

"It's your final game na, love. You guys will either make it or... you're going to win it, okay? I mean, our team has my Yoo Jimin, last year's MVP, and I'm sure this year's too," I cheered her up, tapping her back.

 

best of three kasi tapos tie pa sila nung kalaban na team, akala ko nga magiging best of five na since 1-1 standing pero hindi pala

kung sino na manalo bukas, yun na magiging champion this season

 

"What if I mess up?"

 

I left her embrace and looked her in the eyes, i cupped her face, my right thumb gently caressed her left cheek, "you won't, okay? You've worked hard, your teammates too. You guys did and you're still doing your best. I'm not going to tell you not to worry nor feel nervous, but no matter what the result will be tomorrow, know that you'll always be my MVP, okay? Hmm?"

 

she gave me a small smile

she's pressured these days as she's been juggling her studies and training

she was even given a heads up that she'll be the captain of the team next year as their current one will be graduating

she feels the need to win this tournament to prove her worth- not that she needs to as everyone knows how great of a player she is

while maintaining her dean's lister status

 

and... dating me, not that i'm pressuring her or anything, we just go on dates when she's free

hindi naman kasi ako ganun ka-busy, we just cook a lot, go on tours, basta light pa din yung ganap ko compared sa kanya lalo na hindi ako sumali ng competition this year

but... she feels like she's lacking tapos she's always sorry about not being able to give me her time kasi super busy siya this sem lalo na nag-semi finals at finals- galing talaga nila!

 

"You better cheer me tomorrow or else," she shot me a glare

 

i laughed, "baby, when did i ever miss your game?"

 

see, the thing is, i made it my mission to watch all of her games after we started dating, and yes, i skip classes

it's alright though, i'm managing it well and dl pa din ako if i pass my finals

pero she asked me to go only when i don't have a class kasi nga worried siya na baka ma-left behind ako sa class

but i gotta support my girl

 

Yoo Jimin >>> studies

 

ngumiti siya ng nakakaloko, "baby, wear my jacket tom?"

 

i rolled my eyes at her while smiling, "i'll think about it," sagot ko nalang and gave her a quick peck

 

feel ko, agenda niya talaga na ipaalam sa lahat na we're together

ayaw niya lang aminin sa 'kin since she's also being considerate

you see, we had this silent agreement na we're going to keep it lowkey

wala naman problem na kami, hindi naman din namin dine-deny

 

it's just that, my girl is again, really famous

and just like what i've said din, i like my anonymity

plus, fans are still shipping her with Aeri

 

not jealous though since Aeri is actually head over heels kay Ning, ginayuma din ata ng tropa ko 'yon- kaya pala sama ng sama yun 'pag manonood ako ng training nila Jimin before, humarot din

 

i don't want people to pry on my nor her life, at least eto na lowkey kami, kung ano lang yung makita nila, yun na yon

 

so i'd rather keep it this way- but i'll never deny her if you ask me if we're dating

 

we heard students na mukhang papalapit sa staircase kaya napa-ngiti nalang kami sa isa't-isa

"Balik na 'ko sa gym, baby. See you tomorrow, I love you!" she gave me a chaste kiss

"I love you too."

 

✯

 

it's been weeks

bakasyon na, finally- solas ko din next week

 

pero wala na yung excitement...

 

nakahiga ako ngayon sa kama ko, staring at the ceiling, thinking of nothing

 

when my phone vibrated

 

Love: hey, lets meet sa sb near your condo maya 2

Me: See you.

 

after weeks of radio silence

she finally texted me

 

✯

 

we've been sitting for i don't know how long

she's been looking down ever since she arrived, fidgeting with her fingers

 

and the silence is deafening

 

i mustered up the courage

i cleared my throat, "hey," trying to encourage her to talk pero i think my voice sounded a bit hoarse- i hope not

 

i gave her a small smile, trying to tell her that it's okay to give me the talk

'di naman ako manhid, 'di naman ako slow

 

she sipped her coffee, before looking at me... finally

i smiled softly at her, my head tilted to the side, "go on, I understand," sabi ko trying not to crack up

i'm fighting this tears na gustong gusto na lumabas sa mga mata ko- i bit my inner cheek

 

she looked really guilty and i know that she's also on the verge of crying na pero ayaw niya din na makita ko

 

"I'm really sorry," she said as she gulped. i nodded at her, urging her to continue. "I- I can't do this right now, we're going to be in our senior year next sem, we'll be busier, and... I don't want to be unfair to you. I -," she sighed. "I know na you're going to say na you're okay sa ganitong setup pero i don't want you to end up with nothing, ayaw kong maubos ka nang dahil sakin, na mapagod ka sakin... I don't want you to regret choosing me... you deserve better than this, and I can't give you that right now."

 

they lost the championship

she was pretty devastated and i was really sorry that i couldn't be there for her- i wanted to

but she didn't let me, that's what i thought was the most unfair of her

because we're together

i was supposed to be there; comforting her

her battles are mine as well

we're supposed to be in this together

but she chose to fight alone

 

she wanted me to focus on my exams nalang, so i did... and she did the same

tapos i didn't hear anything from her nalang during those days

i respect her decision naman

 

and i just knew...

 

that this is how we're going to end up

 

my girl right here, she cares a lot more than she actually shows- i know

she's considerate- too considerate for her own good

and i-

 

we'll be graduating students and she has her goal

 

even before i came to the picture

 

it hurts of course

 

that i won't be there with her- not as her girl

 

because the thing is, when i saw her that day

 

i saw my future with her

 

yup, it's my future with her that i saw

not the slowmo

 

but a future with her

 

it honestly scared me because she's Jimin

i'm just Winter

bold of me to assume that i'll be able to have her right?

 

so i thanked the heavens when that group project happened

when she cooked lunch for me

when she lent me her varsity jacket

when she started sending me good mornings, asking me if i've eaten already- major red flag moves

when she took me out to coffee dates- i wasn't dense but i didn't want to assume because i read it somewhere that friends shouldn't be this confusing, but she's doing a good job confusing me

when she started meeting me on the staircase near the gym

when she started stealing my flannels, she still has them... and i'm taking it back

 

basta, sinabi ko na yun

nagulat nalang ako sa mga nangyari

and i still am thankful that those happened

na she happened

 

we happened

 

to be honest, i knew naman na

i just chose to ignore the signs

i couldn't read the lines kasi- or more like i didn't want to because i was scared

 

so again, i thanked the heavens

when she prepared that candlelit dinner and confessed

 

pero as you've noticed, it's always her...

doing all the work, while i just follow

this time as well

 

"It's okay, love. It really is, don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Focus on your goal, yeah? It's not your fault, what happened. I'm sure that you guys will come back stronger next season. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take your time and don't forget to rest. Take a breather from time to time, captain... and again, I understand. You don't have to feel sorry at all. I love you, okay?"

 

oh man, how i badly wish for you to stay.

but i'll let you win, this time.

 

i leaned closer and cupped her cheeks, "I won't return the jacket though," i wasn't able to wear it on that day, and i regret that a lot kasi feeling ko ang unfair na hindi ko nabigay ng buo yung ako sa kanya

i thought i was cheering her with my everything, pero i realized it's become a one-way thing

 

yup, i love her, i say it all the time... but my actions

it felt kind of reserved

i didn't really do much

hinayaan ko lang siya na mag-lead sa lahat

 

so it's totally understandable, what's happening right now

and i'm really sorry that she feels like she's the one lacking

when in fact it was me

 

i could've been there for her, beside her

pero i chose to stay sa sidelines

words aren't enough

masyado akong nagpadala sa thoughts ko

and instead of choosing her, i ended up choosing peace of mind talaga...

 

all because of my stupid self

not wanting her to feel like she's just a trophy girlfriend

she isn't

pero she didn't deserve to be kept as well

 

ano pa ba mali ko?

para next time...

 

bobo mo, Winter Kim.

 

i tried to clear my mind

 

i looked at her lovingly as i tried to smile brightly

"I love you," i said and i kissed her for the last time before walking away

eto lang naman magagawa ko for her sa ngayon

 

i know na she doesn't want me to see her cry and nahihirapan na siya- halos magdugo na labi niya because she's been biting it for a while na

 

and to be honest, i wouldn't want her to see me cry as well- ayaw ko na lalo siya ma-guilty or na magbago yung desisyon niya

 

it's better na smile yung huli namin nakita

 

✯

 

an:

wrote this habang nakikinig ng varsity crush ni pixie

busy kasi isa sa fave author ko di niya magawan ng one shot to kaya ako nalang

di ko alam bat ganito trip ko sa buhay din, kasalanan to ng soc med aus

pero di nga, happy crush ko naman nasa isip ko nung sinusulat ko to

 

...so bakit ganito?

 

kung may typo or wrong grammar, x0ri, wala na tong proofread proofread haha