now playing: we can't be friends (wait for your love) - ariana grande
"i'll wait for your love"

 

it was the weekend and seulgi left early in the morning before irene even had a chance to try to talk to her or convince her to spend some time at home. 

ever since that night with the thunderstorm, seulgi had avoided her even more than usual. granted, it wasn’t too difficult because of how busy irene was, often working overtime in the office and only coming home in the late evening. 

but irene was definitely bitter about it, especially after that kiss that she couldn’t stop thinking about. how could seulgi kiss her like that and then pretend nothing ever happened? 

thinking about seulgi being out god knows where was sending irene into a spiral of negative thoughts. it frustrated her to remember that she didn’t have the right to feel this way about what seulgi chose to do in her free time, but every time it crossed her mind that seulgi could be meeting someone else or spending her time with someone, she felt the ugly thoughts and emotions surfacing and making her feel unreasonably upset.  

because seulgi was hers (no she wasn’t).  

she was trying to distract herself by working in her study, angrily proofreading a document and finding too many things wrong with it, which made her feel even more frustrated. 

her phone buzzed and she glanced at it, doing a double take when she saw yerim’s contact name appear on her screen. she turned her attention to that immediately, picking up her phone and leaning back on her chair to read the message. 

how come seulgi’s here but you're not?! 

irene’s eyebrows furrowed because she had no idea what yerim was talking about. 

where…? irene texted back slowly, hoping yerim wouldn’t question the fact she didn’t know seulgi’s whereabouts. 

party at jennie’s!! you should come!

irene bit her lip, eyes fixed intently on the words in the message bubble as her mind raced. 

a party. seulgi was at a party. jennie’s house. that meant it was that type of party. why was she there? who else was there? the questions ran through her mind uncontrollably. 

irene shook her head to stop herself from going down that path because she shouldn’t think like that. she refused to be the controlling and jealous person that seulgi always said she was. she put her phone down, forcing her attention back to her computer screen. 

she wasn’t going to go to the party. she didn’t care what seulgi was doing there or who she was with. seulgi wasn’t actually her partner and they didn’t have a real relationship, so she didn’t care even if seulgi was kissing someone else. seulgi could be kissing everyone at the party for all she cared. 

irene inhaled sharply at that thought, gripping her pen tightly. 

~

she hadn’t been to a party of this sort in a long time and the scent of expensive whisky, cigar smoke, and loud music was jarring to her senses when she first entered the living room. 

irene coughed slightly, looking around for someone she knew. there were many familiar faces of the younger generation of the wealthiest families in seoul that she had seen before at other events, but none she was really acquainted with. 

“unnie!” a familiar voice called. 

“yerim.” irene felt relieved when the younger bounded up to her excitedly, glass of liquor sloshing around in her hand. she eyed the drink, natural protectiveness coming over her. “are you allowed to be drinking?” 

“shh.” yerim giggled, putting a finger to her lips. “you’re telling me you never drank underaged?” she teased, tilting her head back to take a confident swig from her glass. 

irene rolled her eyes slightly, making yerim laugh heartily at her silent admission. before she could ask where seulgi was, yerim had grabbed her hand and started dragging her. 

“come on! let’s meet my friends.” the girl said and she seemed so happy that irene was here that irene didn’t have the heart to leave her. “everyone, my sister is here!” she yelled and it was the first time irene had heard herself being introduced as someone's sister. it made her heart feel weirdly warm. 

“irene!” jennie greeted, springing up from the couch to greet her and irene accepted the hug a little awkwardly. she never saw these people often because she always turned down invitations to their parties and gatherings, but they always greeted her as if they were best friends. “i didn’t expect to see you!” she said happily. “can i get you anything? you know my stuff is always the finest quality.” she winked. 

“no, i’m quite alright, thank you.” irene turned down the offer. 

“aw, that’s no fun.” yerim pouted, passing a joint back to her friend after taking a puff and that was when irene realized it was seulgi’s cousin, karina. 

karina giggled, “unnie, did you really just come to make seulgi-unnie go home?” 

irene was stumped by her comment that was said jokingly, but actually revealed irene’s real intentions. she remembered that seulgi’s family probably all knew her as being controlling, since she told them everything, which was rather embarrassing for her.  

“n-no.” irene lied. “i came because yerim asked.” she said, making her half-sister grin widely. she turned to jennie, filled with determination to prove their assumptions wrong. “what do you have?” 

jennie gave her a devilish smile, “everything.” 

~

she washed the pills down with whisky that cost thousands per bottle and it had been too long since she let herself indulge in worldly pleasures that she forgot how good it could feel to let herself forget about everything else even just for those few hours. 

the heat of the liquor trail still burned down and the warmth settled in the bottom of her stomach as she leaned back on the plush velvet couch with her eyes closed. 

she felt the couch dip beside her and a sweet scent of perfume filled her nose. 

“so how’s life as a married woman?” 

the voice was immediately recognizable and irene opened her eyes, turning to look at the blonde who was smiling at her. 

“roseanne.” she was surprised to see her, considering the last time they met in person was probably years ago. 

the woman giggled, “how formal, joohyun.” she teased. 

irene swallowed, sitting up straighter even though the world was spinning a little. “how are you?” she asked.  

“i asked you first, unnie.” rosé smiled, taking a drag from her blunt before holding it out in front of her face and irene chuckled, shrugging as she leaned forward to take it between her lips and inhale. 

it made her head spin even more and she had to momentarily close her eyes to stop herself from getting dizzy. rosé laughed and irene remembered how much she liked hearing that. they didn’t date for very long back in the day and it was never that serious, but she always kept a fond memory of her. 

“it’s been good.” irene sighed, leaning on her hand and feeling more relaxed than ever. 

“to be honest, i was surprised.” rosé said, smiling as she smoked quietly beside her. “i didn’t take you as someone who would be in any hurry to get married.” 

irene gulped, trying to act normal. “just felt like time.” she said. 

her companion looked at her with a smile and fondness in her eyes. “well, she’s a very lucky woman to have won you over. and you must love her a lot.” 

irene sort of felt like she had been slapped by those words. 

“y-yeah.” she suddenly felt guilty for tricking everyone they knew into believing they had a happy loving marriage when the truth was far from it.

she looked over again. “why did you say you were surprised?” she asked, growing curious about how others perceived her even though she never used to care about such things. 

rosé tilted her head back on the couch, chuckling. “you were just…out of reach. like you were too good for a relationship, for anyone. you didn’t need anyone, that’s what it was. so i was surprised and honestly maybe a little bit jealous when i heard you dated someone for years.” 

irene raised her eyebrows at the slight confession. 

“but seulgi unnie is great. she’s so nice and so pretty and cool.” rosé sighed. “i see why you chose her.” 

a memory of seulgi’s warm and radiant smile came to her mind and when irene blinked slowly, she swore she could see yellow sunflowers behind her eyelids. she remembered seulgi telling her once that those was her favorite flowers. and she remembered seulgi liked the color yellow but eventually started to like orange more. the color was warm, like seulgi, and irene started to miss her more. 

she was dreaming about seulgi despite being awake and she almost missed the words that came out of rosé’s mouth, but her hazy mind processed it a few seconds later. 

“probably why jisoo has such a big crush on her too.” rosé snickered to herself with her eyes closed. 

irene felt alarm bells go off in her head and her sunflower-filled daydream ended abruptly. “jisoo?” she asked. if her memory served her correctly, kim jisoo was the daughter of a famous director and actress couple. she also started her acting career recently in a popular film. 

“is she here tonight?” irene asked and she dreaded the answer. 

“yep!” rosé answered chirpily. 

practically sobering up immediately, a feeling of panic swept over her and her stomach churned uncomfortably. the fear of finding out seulgi had been with another person and the thought of losing seulgi to another person was making her feel nauseous.  

“think they might be in the bar room.”

irene grit her teeth as she forced herself to her feet. “i think i want a drink.” 

“sure! i can take you there.” rosé said, getting to her feet and stubbing the blunt out. then because she could see irene swaying a little on her feet, she held out her hand for her and irene took it. 

the moment they walked into the room hand in hand after a long dizzying walk across multiple corridors which had irene thinking she was trapped in a maze, seulgi’s eyes locked on her and the intensity of her stare could have burned holes through her. 

a part of irene felt secretly thrilled to have her attention like that and a part of her was happy just seeing her again. 

seulgi put her glass down on the counter behind her, slowly walking over to the pair while both confusion and annoyance painted her expression. 

rosé greeted seulgi cheerfully before letting go of irene to skip over to talk to her other friends in the room. 

“what are you doing here?” seulgi asked with a frown once they were face to face.

“same reason you are.” irene retorted, now remembering to feel upset at seulgi for leaving her all alone at home and ignoring her for the past week. 

seulgi's gaze flickered over to where rosé was happily chatting to friends and irene caught the clench of her jaw. 

“i don't know what i’d rather. that you’re here to keep an eye on me or that you’re here to around.”

“ around?” irene repeated with offense in her tone. “seems to me you're doing enough of that yourself.”

“what are you talking about?” 

“i'm sure you know.” irene said through gritted teeth and she saw jisoo looking at them from behind seulgi. 

“i have no idea what you're going on about. but you're clearly not sober and neither am i so we are not going to have this talk now.” seulgi said in a low voice. 

“or ever, since you won't even speak to me at home.” irene responded irritatedly. 

seulgi just huffed and turned away to walk back to the bar counter next to where jisoo stood. 

irene clenched her fists, impulsivity being in charge over logic. she followed seulgi over, giving jisoo a friendly smile. 

“hi, i don't think we’ve properly met but i’m sure you've heard of me.” she held her hand out. “i’m irene, seulgi’s wife.” 

seulgi eyed her but didn't interrupt as jisoo smiled back and shook her hand and exchanged polite greetings. 

“so, have you known my seulgi for a long time?” irene asked, latching herself onto seulgi with her arms around her torso and face pressed to her shoulder. 

seulgi subtly tried to shake her off but irene smirked and held on tighter, so seulgi had to stand there and pretend she didn’t mind the affection. 

“oh, not that long. maybe a year?” jisoo answered with a smile. 

“hm.” irene nodded, pressing her nose against seulgi's neck which bobbed nervously from the close contact. 

“i think you’re a bit too tipsy, maybe you should go home first.” seulgi tried to make an excuse for her to leave. 

“i’m fine. i feel great in fact.” irene snapped, expression quickly smoothing back into a smile because she remembered they had an audience. 

“irene,” seulgi tried to say but irene ignored her and grabbed the drink she left on the counter to finish the rest of it. 

“don’t mind me, keep talking.” she said with a grin and a wave of her hand as she sat on the bar stool behind them and seulgi was going to walk away but irene wrapped her arms around her torso to pull her back to stand between her legs. seulgi sighed inwardly, forcing a smile on her face so the others wouldn't be able to tell that she didn't want to be around her own wife. 

“but jisoo, tell us about the new drama!” rosé requested excitedly and jisoo nodded, eyes lighting up as she started telling them the story of how she auditioned. 

seulgi tried to listen attentively to her friend but irene was making it her mission to prevent her from doing so. she was essentially back hugging seulgi, holding her close while her lips brushed against the side of her neck. the lack of response from seulgi made her try even harder, resorting to teasing kisses against her neck and she smirked when seulgi stiffened and jisoo glanced over briefly. 

watch carefully. she thought to herself. so you’ll know who seulgi belongs to. 

she would normally never do anything like this but tonight, she wasn’t exactly in her normal mind. she swelled with pride when she felt seulgi eventually untense and even lean backwards slightly, as if melting into her embrace and her arm slung loosely over irene’s thigh that was on her side, hand absentmindedly caressing her knee in a way that was both affectionate and flirtatious. 

irene hugged her a little tighter, daringly palming her hand across her stomach that was exposed by her cropped top and letting her nails scratch lightly across the skin, making seulgi’s breathing hitch. 

they were in their own world while the others talked to each other and paid them no mind. irene tilted her head up, gently catching seulgi’s ear between her teeth and she felt seulgi take a sharp breath. feeling emboldened, she experimentally the shell of her ear teasingly and could've sworn she heard seulgi whimper. 

seulgi’s positive reactions made her start burning up for her and need ran through her like a wildfire, making her lose her ability to think properly. she wasn't sure how much was the drugs and alcohol talking and how much was herself, but all she knew was that seulgi’s warm body pressed against hers was still not close enough to her. she wanted more. 

irene kissed her nape softly and felt seulgi shiver. “is there anywhere private we can go?” she murmured. 

seulgi let out a shaky breath, “yeah.” 

they mumbled an ‘excuse us’ before leaving hand in hand and no one really batted an eye as they made their way out of the room. irene was smiling giddily as seulgi led her up the staircase, hand still holding hers firmly. 

seulgi opened one of the doors upstairs, checking it was empty before she entered with irene following eagerly behind her. as soon as seulgi closed the door, irene had pinned her up against it, arms wrapped around her neck. but when she leaned up, her lips landed on her cheek instead because seulgi had turned her head away. 

“what are you doing?” seulgi asked with a sigh. 

“what does it look like?” irene responded confusedly when seulgi reached up to pull her arms away from her neck and she reluctantly backed away to give her some space. 

“you were clearly just doing all of that out of possessiveness.” seulgi said bitterly. “you wanted to make jisoo jealous.”

“so you know she likes you.” irene snapped, anger immediately overcoming her upon realizing that. “do you like her too? is that why you’re so upset i showed her that you’re mine?”

“i’m not yours, irene!” seulgi exclaimed. “how many times do i have to tell you that you don’t own me?” 

“on paper i do.” irene said stubbornly.

“you’re unbelievable.” seulgi said exasperatedly, pushing her hand through her hair and walking across the room to get away from her. 

“me? you’re the one that’s being so difficult.” irene turned to face seulgi. “you avoid me, you are never home, you keep being hot and cold by letting me get close to you and then pushing me away. i don’t understand what you want from me.”

“i don’t want anything from you. i don’t want anything to do with you.” seulgi said harshly and irene flinched from those hurtful words, her anger and frustrations disappearing. 
 
“y-you don’t mean that.” she stuttered as the sting of the words ebbed in her chest. she refused to believe seulgi could be that resentful of her when she had been trying to be nicer to her. 

“i do.” seulgi said through clenched teeth. “there’s still three more months until we can stop this act. so let’s just keep living our separate lives and stay out of each others’.” 

she started walking to the door when she saw irene had nothing to retort but before she could reach the doorknob, irene’s hand grabbed her arm to pull her back to face her. 

“you’re not telling me the truth.” irene said, sounding more desperate than before. “is it because of jisoo? are you in love with her? is that why you have started to resent me? i won’t let you go until you tell me the truth.” she looked at seulgi with pleading eyes and seulgi was taken aback because she had never seen irene so helpless before, nor had she ever heard irene ask her to talk about her feelings. maybe she was just really drunk, seulgi thought to herself. 

“i don’t resent you.” seulgi said, her resolve crumbling. maybe she was drunk too, she thought. 

“then why?” irene asked. “why are you pushing me away?” she pressed. 

“because-” seulgi said, words getting stuck in . she closed her eyes, recomposing herself before deciding to ignore everything and all the consequences and just tell the truth. “because if i let you get too close, i will start to love you again.” 

irene stared at her wide-eyed, the unexpected confession stunning her into silence but her heart was anything but quiet inside her chest. 

“that’s why i said we can’t be friends.” seulgi said, unable to stand the silence. “i couldn’t bear the thought of getting hurt again. i don’t want to make the same mistake…”

irene felt guilt strike her when she understood the implication behind her words. “loving me was a mistake?” she murmured. 

seulgi couldn’t look her in the eyes. “because i don’t know if you ever loved me back.”

“of course i did, i-” irene tried to reassure but the words didn’t come to her easily and seulgi seemed to expect that. 

she shook her head with a wry smile. “back then and even now, i think you wanted me for the same reason.” she said. “to be in control of me and of a relationship. to prove something to other people and to show that you have everything you need in life. and maybe you like the company, the intimacy, but i know it is not out of love that you want me.” 

“seulgi,” irene said before she realized she still didn’t know what to say or if she could even defend herself. she helplessly stood there while seulgi looked at her with disappointment in her gaze once she also realized irene didn’t have anything to say to her. 

“it’s alright, irene.” she said emotionlessly. “we’re business partners. once this business arrangement ends, we won’t have to worry about any of this.” 

irene shook her head, but still no words came out. 

seulgi turned to leave and irene stayed in the room alone, stunned by the realization of seulgi’s feelings and more frustrated than ever at her own. 

~

irene took a deep breath as her car pulled up in front of the country house owned by the kang family. she felt so nervous for some reason and kept twisting the wedding band around her finger while looking out the window. 

it was seulgi’s grandmother’s birthday today and the family was throwing a lavish garden party to celebrate. 

when irene received the printed invitation, she wasn't sure about attending because her and seulgi were not exactly on speaking terms since the party at jennie’s. 

she left the invitation on the dining table and sure enough, seulgi saw it later that evening and questioned her. 

“i won’t go if it makes you uncomfortable.” irene responded with a small smile tinged with sadness. “in case you feel like you’re being controlled or something.” 

seulgi bit her lip, looking conflicted. she eventually sighed. 

“i would like for you to come.” she said. 

irene felt her heart soar with hope and happiness from hearing that. 

but then seulgi clarified, “it’s for my grandma, of course. she would be happy to see us together.” 

“right. of course.” irene said, heart sinking once more. 

so now here she was, arriving alone because seulgi spent the night here with her family last night. 

her driver opened the door and she stepped out, thanking him as he quickly ran over to take the large gift basket and flowers out of the trunk. 

they made their way up the path leading to the large backyard where the sounds of a joyous party were already clear in the air. 

irene’s eyes always looked for seulgi first and she spotted her easily, everything else quickly becoming forgotten when she saw how gorgeous seulgi looked in her spring dress decorated with little yellow flowers and her long hair in small curls. her eyes formed crescents while she laughed along with her cousins and underneath the sun, the entire scene made her look like an angel.

“miss bae?” 

she was brought out of her daze when her driver asked her if he should place her gift on the table with the rest of the gifts. 

“yes, please. thank you.” she nodded as he put it down on the table. just then, someone pointed out to seulgi that irene had arrived and seulgi reluctantly walked over to her. 

“you’re here.” seulgi greeted rather simply. 

irene mustered a smile. “sorry i’m a little late. i got distracted.” she said and before seulgi could question her, irene had pushed the bouquet of flowers in her hands towards seulgi. 

“for you.” she said shyly, feeling her cheek and ears warm up from the nervousness of whether seulgi would like them. 

seulgi blinked in surprised, looking down at the beautiful arrangement of sunflowers and daisies - her favorite flowers. she felt a surge of emotions upon realizing that irene had remembered those details about her. 

“for me? why?” she asked. 

“do i need a reason to buy you flowers?” irene asked in return, giving her a smile that she hoped didn’t show her nervousness. 

seulgi couldn't hide her flustered expression. “well, thank you. they are very nice.” she said as formally as possible. 

it was good enough for irene, who smiled genuinely upon hearing those words. 

“can you come with me to greet my grandmother?” seulgi asked after a moment. 

“of course.” irene said, walking with her towards the gazebo where a few family members were gathered and seulgi’s grandmother was sat on the bench in the middle. as they neared, seulgi reached over to hold irene’s hand and irene’s heart ached at the thought that the only time seulgi was affectionate with her was when they had to put on an act. 

still, she did her best to keep a convincing smile on her face as she said happy birthday to her grandmother and the elder was delighted to see her. 

“joohyun-ah, you are more beautiful each time i see you!” she exclaimed. “i wish you visited more often. seulgi always says you are too busy.” 

seulgi never even asked me. irene thought to herself bitterly. “i’m sorry, a lot has been going on at work lately.” she said instead, looking apologetic. 

“thats alright, as long as it does not affect your marriage then i will be reassured.” 

“of course.” irene said to appease her. “we couldn't be happier.” she glanced at seulgi with a smile that seulgi returned. 

“i never worried. you two are wonderful together, i always knew you would take good care of each other and become better together.” she smiled fondly as she held onto their joined hands. “remember, marriage is about being together through everything no matter how difficult. even when there are bad days or days you don't want to speak to each other, remember the good times, remember how much the other person means to you, and you never give up if you love them. you make things work. got it?” 

irene and seulgi nodded in unison. “got it.”

~

“pretty convincing performance, good job.” seulgi said, letting go of irene's hand as soon as they were far enough from the gazebo and out of sight. 

“you too.” irene replied. 

there was a moment of silence as they both thought of words to say but didn’t say them, eyes darting anywhere but at each other. 

“i’m going to go check on the...” 

“i’ll just go talk to….” 

they both mumbled some excuse and parted ways, walking in opposite directions. irene threw a look over her shoulder in case seulgi was also looking back at her but she was walking straight ahead towards the house with the flowers still in her arms. 

irene picked up a glass of champagne on the way while wandering around the decorated garden and she smiled because the theme and decorations had seulgi's name written all over it. she must've worked really hard in the past week to get all of this prepared. 

she walked past wendy and sooyoung who were having their own little moment in the corner and irene couldn't help feeling a twinge of jealousy when she saw them kissing sweetly with smiles and affectionate gazes. 

she decided not to interrupt them and kept walking until she encountered seulgi’s younger cousins who looked enthusiastic to see her. 

“irene unnie!” karina and yeji greeted. “how have you been? i was just telling yeji about the party.” karina said. 

“the party?” irene asked, a little lost. 

“yeah! at jennie’s?” 

“i can’t believe you were there, unnie. i would’ve gone if i knew such a rare event was happening.” yeji pouted, making irene laugh awkwardly as she remembered how hungover she was the day afterwards. 

karina smirked, giving irene a knowing look. “and i’ve been teasing seulgi about how you did it in jennie’s brother’s room. such an unexpected thing from you and her.” 

yeji giggled, “i can’t believe that either.” 

“we didn’t.” irene protested but the two younger girls just grinned slyly. 

“ah! i needed to ask you,” karina was already changing the topic excitedly. “what's the plan for seulgi unnie’s birthday? i need to start planning my outfit and we need to buy a gift.” she said to yeji who nodded in agreement. 

“seulgi's birthday.” irene murmured to herself, only remembering it was nearing the end of january now and her birthday was on the 10th of february. 

“are we doing a big house party or a fancy masquerade ball or maybe a rooftop party at a hotel with a swimming pool?” karina listed excitedly. 

“wouldn't it be up to her to choose?” irene asked.  

“well, usually the partners organize the birthday parties. that's what our family does at least.” yeji told her helpfully. 

“oh.” irene didn't know that. she had also never organized a party before outside of some obligatory work events. 

“and what present are you getting for her? it'll be your first birthday as a married couple so it should be special.” the girls gushed and irene felt dread seeping into her veins. 

what on earth was she going to do? 

after the fourth conversation with some relatives or close friends of the kang family where she had to fake being happy and smitten with her marriage, irene felt completely drained. she didn't know how everyone in that family could be so bright and sociable, and they just loved talking to people. it was very different to her own quiet and small family. 

she looked over again to where seulgi stood with some of her relatives and she got lost in the way seulgi smiled so radiantly and it was hard to imagine that it was the same seulgi who looked at her with cold eyes and told her she wanted nothing to do with her. 

even the memory of it stung and irene looked away just as seulgi noticed her and stared at her from across the garden. 

footsteps approached her and a familiar voice, half-mocking half-admiring spoke. “good to see you making an effort to be a half-decent partner, hyun-ah.” 

irene put her empty glass down on the table, sigh escaping before she even looked up. “mother. what are you doing here?” she turned to face her. 

“seulgi invited me.” her mother said. “she was so sweet, i couldn't say no. you don't mind, do you?” she asked with a bat of her eyelashes. 

irene shook her head, walking away from the tables to the quieter parts of the garden as her mother followed. 

“so are you enjoying yourself? do you feel like you're really one of them now?” the elder asked with a snicker, knowing how much her daughter detested parties and socializing. 

irene just gave her a look and her mother shrugged, sitting down on a bench and gesturing for irene to sit. 

“how have you been?” she asked. 

irene scoffed. “is something wrong? why are you asking me that?” 

her mother frowned, “i can't ask how my daughter is doing? goodness me…” she said dramatically, making irene roll her eyes. “so how is your marriage?”

“good.” irene replied instantly, not wanting to leave any opportunity to be teased or lectured. “really good.” 

“hm.” came the reply. “that’s good. i still don’t know what she sees in you.” her mother said. 

“neither.” irene said emotionlessly. 

the conversation ended like that but they stayed on the bench, overlooking the garden from afar and irene looked at seulgi again. but everytime she looked at her, the words from that night echoed in her brain, a constant reminder of how much hurt seulgi had endured because of her. 

“but i know it is not out of love that you want me.” 

irene looked over at her mother who stared off into the distance pensively. 

“mother,” 

“yes dear?”

“do you think father ever loved you?” 

surprise flickered across the woman's face as she directed her gaze back to her daughter. she looked like she wanted to ask why she was asking such a random question out of nowhere but she eventually settled for answering her. 

and it wasn’t what irene wanted to hear. 

“i’m actually not sure.” 

irene drew in a long breath, stabilizing her emotions and the disappointment that felt like it was tightening her chest.

“why?” her mother asked, finding it very strange for irene to ask about her father and their relationship for the first time in her life. 

irene stared down at her hands, clenched into fists atop her knees. “because i always told myself i never wanted to be like him - someone who had no feelings, no regard for others, a lying and despicable cheater.” she said bitterly. “but i think in trying so hard not to turn out like him and hurt the people around me, i ended up becoming exactly like him.” she said. 

her mother frowned, taken aback by irene's sudden honesty because irene had never been one to talk about her inner thoughts or feelings. she leaned closer, placing a caring and worried hand on irene’s arm. “why do you say that darling?” 

“because i don't think i know how to love someone.” irene confessed, almost in a whisper. “i don't think i can love seulgi the way she deserves. i’m…i’m a monster, like him, i hurt everyone who cares about me.” 

“oh, joohyun…” her mother looked at her with so much sympathy and sadness that irene had never seen before. her mother took her hand in hers and squeezed comfortingly before speaking.  

“everyone is capable of loving someone.” she said slowly, making sure every word was emphasized. “and look at me when i tell you this.” she said, making irene lift her gaze so their eyes met. 

“you are not like him.” she said firmly and irene fought the urge to cry. “even the fact that you are thinking this way, worrying about not being able to love her, makes you a thousand times a better person than he ever was. you have matured a lot over the years, joohyun-ah, you are your own person and you are a good person.”

irene felt her lip tremble as tears filled her eyes and she could see her mother also looking teary. 

“and i’m so happy to see you become the person you are today.” 

“god,” tears fell from her eyes and irene laughed wetly, wiping her tears. “i don’t remember the last time i cried in front of you.” 

“i think you were maybe 8 months old?” her mother responded jokingly, laughing as well. 

“how embarrassing.” irene sighed, wiping the last of her tears and looking down. 

her mother smiled fondly, reaching up to her hair. “my daughter is all grown up now. with feelings and everything.” she chuckled and irene gave her a playful glare. “that kang seulgi must really be something.” 

irene felt a smile form on her face at the mention of her. “she is.” 

“hyun-ah,” her mother said after a while. “people give love and receive love in different ways. a good relationship is one that can compromise so that both people receive what they need.” 

irene nodded, listening. 

“the baes have an ego and a belief that their way is always the right way. their unwillingness to look at themselves and change their ways is what hinders them from having fulfilling relationships.” 

it sounded familiar and irene remembered seulgi saying something like that before, about her never considering her own faults. 

“what i’m saying is that it won’t be easy. it will take some hard work to be able to love someone fully.” her mother continued and irene nodded, biting her lip in worried thought about whether she would be capable of that. her mother smiled at her and placed her hand on top of hers. 

“but from the way you’ve not looked at anyone else but her today, i’d say you have absolutely nothing to worry about.” 

~

“oh, you must take me on a test drive some day!” 

seulgi laughed at how excited her friend, hyojung, was about the new unreleased range of cars from her family’s company. 

“of course, how else will i convince you to buy one?” seulgi teased. their joking was momentarily paused when irene approached them and seulgi was ready for a blast of cold air but all irene did was smile at her friend before turning to her and saying,

“i think i’m going to head home first, but enjoy the rest of your evening.” 

seulgi was stunned by the unexpected calmness and as irene turned to walk away, she snapped out of her daze. 

“wait,” she took a few steps to grasp onto irene’s hand and turn her back around. “is everything alright?” she asked, worry swirling in her brown eyes. she briefly saw irene talking to her mother earlier and she worried that might’ve upset irene. was irene mad that she invited her mother? she only wanted to make irene feel less alone by including her family. 

irene smiled and nodded. “everything is fine.” she reassured, and she felt lucky that someone like seulgi cared for her despite everything. she stepped closer, leaned up, and pressed a gentle kiss on seulgi's cheek as goodbye. “i’ll see you.” she said before leaving and seulgi stood there, confused and conflicted with emotions. she was pretty sure that was an act because people were around, but why did that feel so real? 

hyojung skipped up to her, letting out a dramatic gasp with her hand to . 

“wow, she’s even more beautiful in real life.” 

seulgi touched her cheek, still feeling the warmth of the kiss. “she is, isn’t she?” she murmured. 

~

seulgi began to worry. 

something was different but she couldn’t quite figure it out. irene kept her distance just as she asked, but it didn't feel like it was out of hostility or spite. whenever they did cross paths in the house, irene would look at her longingly, making seulgi feel unsure of what she was thinking. irene would look at her like she wanted to say something or do something but then she wouldn't do anything.  

seulgi had no idea what she wanted. 

the other weird thing was irene's schedule. she started coming home much later than usual. working overtime wasn't unusual but seulgi found out from her friends who knew people working at bae enterprises that irene would leave work on time around 6 on most days. 

seulgi’s instincts immediately told her it was her biggest fear coming true; that irene was seeing someone else outside of their relationship, that irene had given up on trying to pretend to care about their fake marriage. 

whenever irene returned home later at night, she would be quiet and just go to her room. seulgi found that weird because she would’ve expected her to spend the night outside if she did have a lover. 

seulgi wondered if she should bring it up or ask about it. but then what was she hoping to gain from it? for irene to stop seeing them? but on what grounds could she request that of her? was she just being irrational and jealous? 

she was in the living room watching something on the tv but she was deep in thought and troubled by her business partner’s strange behavior when irene finally returned home. two hours after she usually left work. 

“hi.” irene spoke first and seulgi looked over, surprised at the acknowledgement. 

“hi.”

irene was still wearing her work clothes and she fiddled with the strap of her handbag nervously. “would you like to have dinner together tomorrow night?” 

seulgi blinked, even more surprised but also happy to hear that. “yes, i’d like that.” she said. maybe that would be a good time to clarify where they were standing and what was going on between them with all this weird and tense civilness. 

a smile grew on irene’s face and her eyes looked brighter. “okay.” she said, almost relieved. “tomorrow night then.” she nodded with a smile that she tried to suppress.  

seulgi couldn’t stop her heart from beating faster and she nodded with a small smile of her own. “tomorrow night.”

~

“and remember you have the quarterly board meeting tonight at 5:30pm.” her secretary informed, looking up from her tablet.

irene froze without looking up from her desk, “that’s today?” 

“yes, miss bae. the time was changed because of mr park’s flight.” 

“…” irene exhaled, leaning back and palming her forehead. “i have a dinner reservation at six.” 

“would you like me to reschedule your dinner reservation?” the secretary offered helpfully, knowing that was the usual plan of action whenever there was a schedule clash. 

“no,” irene said quickly. “i promised.” 

she would never leave seulgi alone and waiting for her to show up like she did in the past. she told herself she would never hurt seulgi like that again. 

irene tapped her pen anxiously on the table as she thought about her options and she felt conflicted as the solutions were very few.