"J, I'm sorry."

Hinawakan ko ang mga kamay mo at hinatak kita patayo mula sa iyong pagkakaluhod. Pinagmamasdan ko ang iyong maamong mukha at ang nangungusap mong mga matang may namumuong mga luha na senyales ng iyong nagbabadyang pag-iyak. 

Yan pa rin yung hinding-hindi ko gustong makita. Di ka ganyan eh, di ka iyakin, at lalong ayaw kong umiyak ka dahil sa akin kaya dahan-dahan kong inangat ang aking isang kamay at pinwesto ito sa ilalim ng iyong panga upang magiya kita na tumingin sa aking mga mata. 

"Don't be, it's okay." bulong ko sayo habang pinapahid ko ang iyong mga luhang nagsimula nang dumaloy. 

"Chu. It's okay." pag-alo ko ulit sa iyo. 

Pilit mong iniiwas ang iyong mga mata habang paulit-ulit kang umiiling. Halos magpumiglas ka sa aking pagkakahawak sa iyo na para bang pinapaso ka ng aking mga kamay kaya pinili ko na lang na pakawalan ka. 

It's the first of the many times I know I will have to let you go. 

Iniwas ko nalang din ang aking tingin dahil alam kong ayaw mong may nakakakita sayo sa ganitong estado. Ayaw na ayaw mong nakikita ka ng mga tao na mahina kung kaya't inalalayan lang kitang maupo  sa bench na nilagay natin dito sa lugar na 'to at lumayo na ako ng konti, pinagmamasdan ang mga ilaw ng siyudad na kumikinang mula sa malayo. 

Grabe, dati, dito lang tayo nagpapalipas ng tama tuwing nakakainom tayo, tas nagpapalipas ng oras pagkatapos ng mga date natin tuwing ayaw pa nating umuwi agad, tapos ngayon, dito din natin pinapalipas yung relasyon natin. 

Ilang taon na pala tayong magkasama. 

Ilang taon lang pala tayong magsasama. 

Namayani ang katahimikan sa ating paligid at wala din naman sa ating nagmamadaling basagin ito. 

Ilang minuto na din ang lumipas at naririnig ko namang kumakalma ka na kaya minabuti kong lumapit na sa iyo. 

Nakatitig ka lang sa kawalan na tila ba ay walang nakikita at parang paulit-ulit ba binibiyak yung puso kong nawawasak na. 

Alam kong dito na tayo magtatapos pero ayaw kong makita kang ganito.

Lumuhod ako sa harapan mo at dahan-dahan kong hinawakan ang iyong mga kamay habang sinusubukang mahuli ang iyong tingin. 

"Chu, look at me." 

And slowly, very very slowly, you followed my request. 

I gaze into your tear-filled eyes and see the heartbreak I'm feeling reflected in them, the eyes I have repeatedly fallen for and will always be beholden to. 

"J." humihikbi mong sabi. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." 

Those words fell from your lips like a litany of a despairing person clutching at any thing that could give them a shot at absolution. 

And I don't want you to feel that. 

"Chu. Listen to me okay?" I whispered as I stared at you hoping that you could see my sincerity. "Listen to me."

I waited for you to nod slowly and when I saw that, I started talking. 

"This is not your fault, okay? This is not your fault. Sometimes, two people meet and fall in love but they don't end up together. Sometimes, they're meant to help each other learn how to love and be loved so that when they meet the one they're supposed to end up with, they're ready." I told you slowly, as if I was willing myself to believe those words too. "But Chu, that doesn't make what they shared any less beautiful or any less real. It was as real as it gets, Kim Jisoo, you know that, I know that. What we had was as real as it gets and my god, was it beautiful. One of the best experiences of my life and I hope it's also one of yours." 

"Jendeuk." bulong mo na para bang nawawalan ng lakas, "J, sinubukan ko naman eh." at tuluyan mo na ngang isinandal ang iyong ulo sa balikat ko. 

"Sinubukan natin, Chu. Sinubukan natin." pagsang-ayon ko, kasi totoo naman eh. Sinubukan natin. Di man tayo nagtagumpay, sinubukan natin. 

"I never meant to fall out of love with you, J." you confessed softly and though it felt like my heart broke into pieces, I knew right then that yours was breaking too and until the end, I will always try to fix your heart even at the expense of my own.

"I know, Chu. And that's why we're here." sabi ko habang nililibot ko ang aking paningin sa ating paligid. "Nandito tayo kasi pinili mong hiwalayan ako sa halip na makagawa ng anumang bagay na mas ikakasira natin. You chose to be honest with me, Chu. And even though my heart is breaking, something about the honesty you chose to show me comforts me."

Hindi ko na namalayang umiiyak na pala ako. 

"I love you so much, Chu. I dreamt of a future with you but those dreams will only ever be dreams now because our story will end here. But that's okay. That's okay. Because what we had, no matter how short, was true." I say as I try to compose myself. 

There we stayed, in the silence, eyes looking at each other conveying things words would fail to express. 

Slowly, as if things were falling into place, my emotions slotted themselves in the spaces I often use to compartmentalize. 

If this was the last night I'll have with you like this, I will make it count. 

I stood up slowly and held out my hand to you with a smile. 

"One for the road?" I ask. 

One last road trip to nowhere, only enjoying each other's company, feeling so free and unencumbered, as if the only things that existed were one another and the open road ahead of us. 

You looked at me with a smile. One that resembled the very first time I asked you to go on a drive with me, the night Chaeyoung left for Australia with no return ticket in tow, a shaky smile from someone trying to be brave. 

Back then, you were making the leap to be brave and face a future without her and now, you're taking the step to a future with her, a future that needs me out of the picture. 

It hurts but to some extent, it gives me a sense of closure. Maybe we weren't meant to last, but I stand by what I said. That doesn't mean we were any less real or beautiful and I will not trade our short time together for anything because you my love, you taught me so much, made me feel so much, and I know I'll never get that from anyone else. 

As we moved to my car, I held your hand and tried to memorize the way it all feels in mine. I opened the passenger seat for you and you sat there slowly, also as if you were committing the process to memory. 

I made my way to the passenger seat and started the car. 

"J?" sabi mo habang inaayos ang seatbelt mo. "Let's go to the places we used to?" 

I nodded my assent. One last time, then. A goodbye to all that was, to all that never will be. 

And so I drove and drove. 

You fiddled with the stereo and finally got it to play the first playlist you made the night we first went on a drive like this. 

I took the long way, trying to extend the time I would get with you. 

We dropped by the park near our old school, the one that was witness to all our lunches, especially the ones after Chae