Most of Jongin’s friends are here, dressed in black and solemn expressions. The only colour he could find in the room arises from the colourful hairdo some of his friends are wearing. The three from University follows suit with the proper greeting to the family of the deceased promptly after arriving. They then head out to where the other guests are. Shortly after that, Taemin comes along with Moonkyu and Ravi. Behind them, Jongin could see a few of his other friends. They come as a big group, and it stirs a reaction from his mother. He’s sort of thankful for that because his mother’s been too quiet. She’s shutting down, Jongin notes.

More of his University friends come visit. They actually took time to attend the funeral. It surprises Jongin, though he doesn’t show it on his face, because to come all the way out of the city to somewhere that’s hours away for him is still somewhat surreal to him. Yukhei’s there, Kibum’s there even though they’re not that close. Johnny, Jaehyun and many more too. There were so many people on the first day of the funeral that it gets so tiring. Jongin taps out for a little while to take a short break. He lets Uncle Kim take over and disappears out to the main area. As soon as he steps out, everyone stops and stares at him.

Heaving a silent, restrained sigh, Jongin avoids everyone’s probing gaze and leaves. He goes downstairs, out of the building and goes round the back. Taking in one ragged breath, Jongin lights a cigar for himself. It’s weird how fast everything’s going along. He has shed his fair share of tears, but he can’t seem to feel anything at all today. He knows he’s angry at himself, at his parents, at his friends, but it’s not enough for him to express. He’s well aware of the exhaustion threatening to throw him down into another abyss, but oddly enough, Jongin can’t find it in him to care. He doesn’t care enough. His mother’s shutting down, and he is too.

The clouds of grey reminds Jongin of where he is. He feels better, definitely, but he’s not sure if it’s going to last. A lot of his friends have taught him the effects of smoking and he remembers something about how nicotine releases a rush of feel-good chemicals. Ironically enough, knowing that puts Jongin in a worse mood. All he can think of as he inhales in the smoke is that the effects are null now that his brain is aware of what’s happening. Maybe it isn’t completely ineffective, but Jongin can’t magically feel better now. He doesn’t notice that he’s on his 4th stick just yet till he counts the number of buds he’s put out on the ground. He flicks his 4th stick to the ground and stomps the burn out.

He crouches back down on the ground, back leaning against the wall behind him. Jongin hangs his head in between his bent knees, forearms resting atop it. He breathes out slowly, a sudden heaviness filling his chest once again.

“How much have you smoked?” Jongin snaps his head up, tilting it upwards as he watches Sehun’s figure approach him. Sehun stops in front of him, when his figure looms above Jongin’s seemingly miniature physique. “I don’t think you’re that much of a heavy smoker.”

“Shut up,” Jongin gruffs out, “and don’t tell me what to do.”

“I wasn’t!” Sehun raises both his arms by the side of his head, feigning surrender. “Can you get up?”

“Yes,” Jongin grunts. He honestly doesn’t know where the bite in his tone came from, but he’s sure he’s not going to lose it anytime soon. “Just go home, Sehun. You’ve paid your respects, you don’t have to stay.”

“Sure.” Sehun bobs his head a few times. “I was about to go anyway, but I saw you smoking here and I have to just do one last thing.”

“What?” Jongin grimaces. His neck is starting to hurt a little from straining it so much. “What thing?”

“Get up, come on.” Sehun bends down, a soft groan emitting from his throat, deep down there. He rests his fingers on the side of Jongin’s left shoulder and pulls Jongin up.

“What are you up to, Oh Sehun?” Jongin bleats on. “I don’t have time for this.”

“Well, you have to make time then.” Sehun smiles.

Up close, Jongin can see now that Sehun’s grown to be very attractive, like a true man. His boyish quirks have disappeared, and he’s more mature. He oozes a different kind of presence too. Sehun’s always had sharp facial features, but now he’s grown really broad. With his height, it makes him look even bigger, more domineering — if Jongin had to name it. But Sehun’s grown soft too. He used to be a man with little words, and now that he’s older, Sehun’s gotten used to talking a lot more. People may think he’s still quite reserved, but Jongin knows.

“Do you know that thing about nicotine? Makes your brain release dopamine, makes you feel good.” Sehun’s fingers fiddle with the fabric at the edge of the shoulder on Jongin’s jacket. “Well, I suggest you find a substitute for that— actually, in fact, I have a method for you.”

Jongin leans his head back, his body flush against the wall because Sehun’s getting a little too close. He figures it’s best for the both of them if they constantly have a little distance there in between. But Sehun inches closer, then he gently — very gently, like he’s afraid Jongin might throw a sudden temper — pulls Jongin by his shoulders into a loose hug. It surprises Jongin. He’s not up for surprises given the situation he’s in. A surprise is the last thing he looks forward to. So Jongin doesn’t know why it makes him feel better almost instantly.

Sehun rests the side of his head on Jongin’s shoulder, burrowing his face into the fabric without any care. Jongin’s still a little stiff, but that’s okay for now. Sehun breathes out before explaining himself, “Hugging for more than 20 seconds releases dopamine too, like smoking nicotine does.”

Sehun hears the way Jongin breathes in a restrained manner. He peels Jongin off from the wall and away from it. Honestly, he expected Jongin to try to push him away, maybe even curse him, but Jongin goes totally lax in his arms, almost instantly add to that. Maybe his body responds well to familiarity. Sehun suppresses a shiver at the hot breath Jongin lets out against his earlobe. Jongin’s leaning his full weight on Sehun, and he mimics the position Sehun rests his head in, only it’s on Sehun’s shoulder instead. Slowly, Sehun senses the ease flowing through Jongin’s muscle as the seconds go by, if the way Jongin has his breath steadied again was any indication.

“How long has it been?” Sehun asks in a whisper.

“Maybe around 5 minutes, plus-minus,” Jongin answers, tone morphing into a lazy, exhausted mumble.

“That’s around… 15 dopamines?” Sehun guesses.

Jongin huffs out a silent laugh, body shaking a little as he does so. He slaps the back of Sehun’s left shoulder as he giggles. “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Well, I’m sorry I’m not a scientist.” Sehun relieves the tension even more with his sarcasm, making Jongin laugh slightly harder than before.

Silence then follows after their small verbal exchange. When Sehun moves to pull away from the hug, Jongin releases a small whine as he tightens his hold around Sehun. He feels too comfortable in this position, and he’s not willing to let it go just yet. Jongin heaves another sigh, cheeks squishing against Sehun’s shoulder as he presses the side of his face even harder.

“Let’s just stay like this for a while, ‘kay?” Jongin’s voice trembles unexpectedly.

The heat pooling in his eyes threatens to burst out, to overflow and stain his cheeks once again. From the tremor in his tone, Sehun knows just how much Jongin’s been holding in till now. He’s been trying to remain calm in front of his friends and family, but Sehun knows just how close he is to breaking. They may have fallen out of it for quite some time, but Jongin remains unchanging throughout all these years. Except for the smoking and the constant worry over not pleasing his friends, Jongin’s all the same.

“You can cry, you know?” Sehun offers a shoulder to cry on.

Jongin nods, but with his face shoved into the crook where Sehun’s shoulder and neck meets, his head is rendered motionless. Sehun understands anyway.

“I’m just really sorry,” Jongin mumbles, “because I disliked him.”

“He’s a good man. He does the wrong things with the right intentions.” Sehun hums. “It’s not your fault.”

“It’s not my fault he left. But it was my fault that I couldn’t see him as a father.” Jongin realises now that he’s confiding in Sehun again, and though that would be okay, it actually isn’t. Jongin’s making himself more vulnerable as the days go by. First, it’s to Chanyeol and the other two. Now, it’s to Sehun. He can’t risk being screwed over again. “Sehun, I think you should go.”

“Hey, it’s okay if you don’t want to tell me.”

“How did you know?” Jongin squeaks out.

“Because I know I’m the last person you’d go to for comfort.”

“That’s wrong,” Jongin snaps. “You’re, like, the 7th person. I don’t have that many friends in the first place.”

“That’s progress.” Sehun readjusts his hold around Jongin and tightens the hug. “And while this is nice and all, some of your friends came downstairs to look for you, it seems.”

“Ugh,” Jongin groans. “I’m not in the mood.”

“You want me to do something about it?” Sehun’s voice drops into a whisper, possibly because he doesn’t want Jongin’s friends to hear what he’s saying.

“Yeah, thanks. Just don’t be rude.” Jongin turns his head to face away from his friends, sighing deeply through his nose as he sees, in the corner of his eyes, Sehun waving his hand to tell his friends to go away.

“Jongin, you okay?” There’s Moonkyu’s voice.

Jongin hums loudly, conveying the agitation he currently feels through his response. Sehun doesn’t make a move to step away, and Jongin’s thankful for that. As much as he’d like to avoid having that much to do with Sehun, Jongin actually feels comfortable with him. It’s a nice, old feeling that Jongin appreciates in times like these. It brings him back to when he’s just so tired of everyone and Sehun would pull him into one of his long hugs right before they go their separate ways after school. He’s aware of the dangerous territories he’s treading on the longer he has Sehun by his side. But Jongin loves this. He loves the attention he’s getting from Sehun. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t like being taken care of like this.

Jongin’s been acting like everyone’s mother. He’s making sure they eat, making sure they’re not stressed, that they’re all fine. For the most part, Jongin does it sincerely. He truly cares about his friends, but it’s just that they’re not the type to show emotional affection like he frequently does. And sometimes, he craves it. Like now. Like when his father’s time of death was announced loud and clear, till it echoes non-stop in his mind. All he wants is just someone to look at him with those eyes that he uses on his friends, for someone to make him feel better even if he doesn’t want to.

Once Moonkyu leaves, Jaehyun’s there next. Sehun does the same, tell him to leave, but Jaehyun stays rooted on his spot. “I overheard your mother looking for you. I think she’s worried.”

Jongin heaves his head up, twists it to the other side and gives Jaehyun a frown. The latter offers a timid smile in Jongin’s way, hands entwining with each other out of nervousness. Jongin decides then that he really has to go. He’s technically the main male head of the family now, and it’ll be rude if he’s not there to greet the guests himself. He reluctantly takes a step back, arms falling to his side, dangling loosely. Jongin takes a small, short glance of Sehun’s face, and looks away again when he notices the soft smile that’s graced upon his lips.

“You should go home,” Jongin mumbles.