Five

Baekhyun thinks it must be karma, as he stands there, leaning heavily against the door of his room, sweat trickling down his flushed face from all the running he did. It must be, because this situation is so similar, and yet so different, and it hurts so much more.

He hears their front door open loudly, followed by muffled sounds. And then footsteps, rapid as they get closer to his room and--

Baekhyun narrowly avoids getting hit by the door as Jongdae rushes in, looking ready to murder someone.

"Byun," Jongdae looks almost relieved to see him there, and then Jongdae's holding him by the shoulders. "Are you okay?" and the expression on Jongdae's face is so unguarded, so honest, Baekhyun could see all the worry and guilt and anger and then Baekhyun realizes that no, he isn't okay. He's not okay at all.

"It kinda hurts," he manages.

It hurts so much.

"Jongdae," he croaks out, "it hurts."

Jongdae exhales. "Okay," he says and slowly sits the both of them down on Baekhyun's bed. "Okay," he says again as he brings Baekhyun's face to his chest and cards shaky fingers through his hair. He laughs weakly when Baekhyun starts shaking. "What's with the sudden breakdown, huh? I thought our Byun Baek was stronger than this. You've been through worse."

Baekhyun sniffles and presses his face harder against Jongdae's chest, clutching his shirt with both hands in a desperately tight grip. "I'm tired," he finally says. "Jongdae, I'm so tired." His breathing becomes uneven, and he squeezes his eyes tightly shut, and he can only clutch tighter and say "Jongdae" repeatedly.

Jongdae rubs his back soothingly while keeping a hand in his hair and it gently (just like how Baekhyun always mentioned to him that he kinda liked people his hair because his mother used to do that) and Baekhyun can hear Jongdae mutter to himself "that ing idiot could've phrased it better".

"You dropped the L-word, huh?"

Lu Han is staring at him from across the coffee table where he's sitting on an extra stool, legs crossed and solemn amusement (if that was even possible) apparent on his face.

Baekhyun glumly ignores him in favor of slurping loudly on his ramyun.

"What the are you doing here, anyway?" Jongdae asks from beside him, looking annoyed.

"The kid called me over, idiot," Lu Han replies simply, smiling too widely to be genuine. "Although I definitely didn't expect to see you here, Chen-Chen."

Jongdae groans exasperatedly. "For the last time, it's either Chen or Jongdae. What the is wrong with you people?"

Lu Han shrugs, still grinning. "Duizhang calls you that, we only follow. His words are rule, you know," he calmly sips on his cup of coffee. "Oh. By the way, Jongdae. Have you done your homework yet?"

Jongdae hisses out a curse at him in a language Baekhyun suspects to be a ed up mixture of Korean and Mandarin.

It's funny, really, how Lu Han and Jongdae know each other from Jongdae's weekend Mandarin class at his stupid institution. And apparently Lu Han and all of their other part time teachers call their head teacher duizhang. And apparently so does Jongdae and all the other students.

In Baekhyun's honest opinion, duizhang probably has inner es that he should have a deep and meaningful conversation about with a therapist. Baekhyun chuckles at the thought.

Lu Han and Jongdae stop their bickering (on Jongdae's part) to stare at Baekhyun. Baekhyun blinks.

"What?"

"Nothing," Lu Han immediately says. And then: "I like your smile. It's refreshing."

"If by that you mean why am I suddenly smiling and if I still have my sanity, then my answer would be ' you'."

"Huh," Lu Han quirks a brow. "You know me too well."

Baekhyun snorts. "You do realize that you used to try and charm your way out of every argument we had, right? Or anything uncomfortable, really. And those usually end up with us having ?"

"Point."

Jongdae makes a face and turns to Baekhyun. "How the hell did you even think that this bastard would make good boyfriend material?"

"Great ," Baekhyun and Lu Han choruses together.

Jongdae lets out a long-suffering sigh. "On second thought, both of you deserved each other."

"Don't do anything stupid," Lu Han tells him over the phone later that night.

Baekhyun, still drowsy from his interrupted sleep, replies with an intelligent "Huh?"

"You may look and act like you're fine now. In fact, you may even think that you're fine. But sooner or later I know you'll break. That's how we met, remember?"

Baekhyun doesn't have anything to say against that, so he murmurs a goodbye and hangs up.

"I didn't mean with you."

"Then with who? The girl from the other day?"

A nod. "You asked me what I want. I want to let go."

"...what do you mean?"

"This is me letting go of you. So you should let go, too."

"What if I don't want to?"

"Baekhyun." A shaky exhale of breath. "It's about time we grew up, don't you think?"

Clenched fists. "I love you."

"...I'll see you around."

Baekhyun's been so tired lately.

He wakes up five minutes after his class was supposed to start and decides to skip it altogether. It's the one he shares with Chanyeol anyway. And Baekhyun finds himself fighting the urge to throw up at the thought of seeing Chanyeol again. So it's better if he doesn't.

He groggily gets himself off the bed, scratching his head as he did so, and decides to take a shower.

At least he can start studying for the upcoming finals.

"Is this gonna be a thing now? You coming over for dinner every single day?"

Jongdae looks over distastefully at Lu Han who has his tie thrown over his shoulder and is currently eating their Chinese take-away on what Baekhyun now calls his stool. Lu Han, with mouth full of food, lets out a garbled rendition of "You should be proud that I have chosen to grace you with my presence, you bastard." He wipes his mouth hastily with the back of his tie when some of the food from his mouth manages to escape. Lu Han always was a messy eater.

Baekhyun chuckles and Jongdae looks like he's about to throw up.

Lu Han swallows loudly before holding out one of his steamed buns with his chopsticks to Baekhyun. "Try this, it's really good."

Baekhyun leans forward, elbows braced on the coffee table between them, and takes a bite.

"Huh," he chews slowly. "What do you know, it actually is." He leans forward again and finishes the rest off Lu Han's chopsticks, his lips when he finishes, leaned back into the couch once more.

"Are you guys actually secretly back together?"

Baekhyun and Lu Han turn to Jongdae.

"I mean. Uh," Jongdae clears his throat. "You're kinda...touchy-feely with each other?"

Baekhyun blinks.

"Uh. And there's also the kissing? And the random flirting?"

"Jongdae," Baekhyun says slowly, "if we were together, you would know. Trust me."

Lu Han nods solemnly, staring at Jongdae with a judging look on his face. "For example, the fact that we could do all of that without ending up having with each other. If we were dating, I don't think Baekhyun could get away with his lips like that. And in fact," Lu Han grins, "we wouldn't even be here right now. We'd be in the bedroom. And you'd probably hear Baekhyun's--"

"The point is," Baekhyun interjects, "you'd know." He casually continues eating his food.

Jongdae looks traumatized.

"And why did you mention my name anyway?" Baekhyun mumbles. "You moan like you're the one who bottoms."

Two weeks before finals, Baekhyun bumps into Chanyeol while on his way to the library.

Chanyeol drops all of the books he's been holding and Baekhyun tries his best to keep his poker face on. He crouches down to help Chanyeol pick them up, and when their fingers accidentally touch, Chanyeol visibly winces and pulls away.

Baekhyun tries to keep the annoyance off his face and hands Chanyeol the books.

"Thanks," Chanyeol mumbles without looking at his face and stumbles off into the library.

Baekhyun figures he could come to work early and study there instead. At least there he could have something to distract him away from the dull, throbbing pain in his chest.

"Why don't you just let go?"

Baekhyun contemplates Jongdae's question, eyes fixed on the screen of the television. Finally:

"I don't know how to. Because that thought has never occured to me."

Jongdae decides to not question him further.

The next few weeks pass by in a flurry of last-minute studying sessions and stressful exam weeks. And by the time Baekhyun can let out an exhale of relief, it's already the night before the start of their three-week term break for the new year.

"So you'll be going home to your family, huh," Baekhyun remarks glumly from where he's sitting on Jongdae's bed, overseeing the whole process of Jongdae's frantic packing.

"Yeah," Jongdae answers distractedly as he shoves another pair of boxers into his luggage bag.

Baekhyun sighs and pouts. "Don't leave me," he whines. "I'll be so lonely."

Jongdae tries to zip up the over-filled luggage bag, a frown marring his face. "Go back to your own home, Byun," he grunts out as he struggles with the zipper.

"But I haven't been home for two years," Baekhyun lets out in frustration. "Nobody's around!"

Jongdae wipes the sweat from his brows with a victorious look in his face as he manages to win over the bag. "Then give your dad a call. You have that Skype thing on your laptop, right? Calculate the time difference, give him a video call or whatever, and then at him. Or your brother. They're both living together, right?"

Baekhyun makes a face. "You're an ."

"Of course I am. That's how I deal with you." Jongdae pats his head. "Now follow me to the bus station to send me off. It's the least you could do for me for having to put up with your ."

Baekhyun scowls but nods nonetheless.

Baekhyun shivers furiously from the cold and pulls his coat even tighter around himself. He scowls when he sees fresh snow falling down from the sky.

"Dammit, why don't they ever stop?" Baekhyun mutters to himself, kicking at the snow-covered ground moodily. Not the most mature of actions, but it still satisfies him a little bit.

Jongdae left five minutes ago with a pat on his head, and now Baekhyun's already feeling depressed, still standing idly in front of the bus stop.

Baekhyun thinks he may have been too dependant on Jongdae these past few years. But it seriously can't be helped, considering the fact that they live together, it really isn't all that weird that Baekhyun has a weird attachment to Jongdae. Jongdae has always been there, and now that he's gone for five minutes (and will be for three whole weeks), Baekhyun is starting to feel just a little bit lonely.

And a lonely Baekhyun never leads to good things these days (his meeting with Lu Han comes to mind).

So he decides to give his father a call.

"Dad, those are your nostrils."

"Oh, dear me."

His father fumbles with the camera of his computer once more, and after a few soft exclamations of frustration, Baekhyun finally manages to see his father's face, frowning as he sits on his favorite leather armchair in his study.

"There. Now can you see me, son?"

Baekhyun smiles. "Perfectly, dad."

His father gives him that gentle, fondly exasperated smile and Baekhyun has to stop himself from reaching a hand out to touch the screen of his own laptop. He clenches his bedsheets instead. He crosses his legs on the bed and leans in closer to the camera.

"So how are things over there?"

"Oh, you know how foreigners are. But that's beside the point." His father looks at him solemnly. "You told me that it's your term break already, correct?"

Baekhyun hesitantly nods.

His father seems to ponder something, tapping his chin thoughtfully. And then: "Why don't you go home, son? It's been a while, after all. And take the keys from Mrs Kim next door, alright?"

Baekhyun sighs. That clearly wasn't a mere suggestion. "Fine."

The next morning, Baekhyun finds himself glumly kicking at the ground at the bus stop.

He was muttering a curse under his breath when he hears a set of footsteps reaching him and a quiet 'Oh', and then the footseps slow to a halt.

He looks to find Chanyeol looking at him with wide eyes, biting his lips unsurely and holding his luggage with such a tight grip Baekhyun can see his knuckles turn white. And then Baekhyun wonders how he could've forgotten that they're neighbors.

Mrs Kim on the left, Chanyeol on the right.

"Hey," Baekhyun says.

Chanyeol clears his throat. "H-hey."

Baekhyun tilts his head to the side, assessing Chanyeol from head to toe. His hair's grown a bit longer, and his face seems to be a bit tired, but Baekhyun just chalks those off as Chanyeol probably panicking and studying for the finals and probably didn't have time for much else. Aside from that, he looks healthy. Baekhyun smiles.

"Been a while." Baekhyun shoves both his hands down his front jacket pockets because it's cold, and also because his hands won't stop shaking.

Chanyeol merely nods, staring at the ground next to Baekhyun's feet. Baekhyun feels frustrated.

"I didn't know you were so interested in snow that you won't even look at the face of your ing--"

Baekhyun stops. He can't say 'best friend' anymore, can he?

Running his hand over his face, Baekhyun sighs in frustration and looks away from Chanyeol.

He's so ing tired.

Baekhyun doesn't break when he unlocks the door to an empty house.

He doesn't even break when he passes by an empty and barren garden.

And he definitely doesn't break when he walks pass a living room devoid of sound and gentle humming, lacking a person sitting there reading books.

Instead, he ing breaks when he sees a framed picture of a family of four and a smiling woman whom he will never see again.

On Baekhyun's first night home after two years, and on the seventh year after his mother's death, Baekhyun sleeps in his parents' bed holding his mother's favorite dress close and cries. He throws pride out of the window and bawls his eyes out like a toddler, complete with snot and hiccups and all.

And maybe he cries for the loss of someone else, too.

Maybe--just maybe, he's crying for Chanyeol.

When his mother died, Baekhyun didn't shed a tear.

Instead, at her funeral, fourteen year-old Baekhyun spent most of his time consoling a grief-stricken Chanyeol. For the most part, Baekhyun Chanyeol's hair comfortingly as Chanyeol cried his eyes out on his shoulder. And later, when Chanyeol asked him why he didn't shed a tear, Baekhyun merely replied you've cried enough for the both of us, you idiot.

And contrary to popular belief, Chanyeol's included, it is true. The only reason Baekhyun didn't cry was because of Chanyeol. He figured that he'd leave all the crying and feeling to Chanyeol, and he could get on with his life. And Chanyeol also distracted him from the emptiness he felt after her death. Chanyeol made him feel whole again, and everything was alright in his life as long as he had Chanyeol. And so, whenever his father stopped talking in the middle of a sentence and stared longingly at the place where his mother used to sit (because she always used to laugh daintily whenever his father gets excited for no particular reason), or when his brother couldn't stop himself from calling out mom in exasperation whenever Baekhyun made a witty remark (because she would scold him gently while laughing at the same time), Baekhyun just ignored it (because that's what he does best) and ran off to Chanyeol. And then everything would be alright again.

In all those years before he left for university, he has never stayed alone at home. He always had someone accompanying him, be it his father or Chanyeol or his current partner at that time. That way, he wouldn't have to deal with the fact that his mother won't be there anymore. He could just empty his thoughts and focus on the current time. He could just run away.

Because that's what he does best.

"What the ."

Baekhyun opens the front door one morning two days after New Year to the sight of Lu Han and Sehun bickering with Jongin in the middle and Jongdae looking over the scene with amusement.

Jongdae grins. "Morning, princess. Now let us in."

Half an hour later, all of them are seated in his family's living room, Baekhyun naturally choosing to sit beside Jongdae on his mother's floral-patterned couch and Lu Han, Jongin and Sehun seated on the couch across them. On the coffee table between them are five glasses of plain water.

"Seriously, Byun. We come here all the way to see you, and you serve us plain water?"

Baekhyun shrugs and leans slightly against Jongdae, head rested against his shoulder. He finds this position comforting. "I didn't ask you to come," Baekhyun mutters. "And I didn't know you guys knew each other?"

Jongdae shrugs him off. "We didn't. We just met."

Annoyed, Baekhyun lays his head down on Jongdae's lap instead and lets his feet dangle off the couch's armrest, ignoring Jongdae's displeased exclamation. "Then how come you guys came together?"

Jongin clears his throat and Baekhyun turns his head slightly to look at him. Jongdae, having given up, merely rests his hands on Baekhyun's head and starts playing his hair, muttering something along the lines of might as well.

"Well," Jongin says, "we only met just now. In front of your house. And Sehun here," he nudges Sehun, "said something about this person here," he pats Lu Han on the shoulder, "and he took offense, so they argued."

"Specifically," Lu Han adds in, looking moody, arms crossed, "he called me a flowery gay grade schooler from China."

Sehun snorts and Lu Han shoots him a glare. Baekhyun chuckles. "All of that are true, though. Well, except for the age."

"That's beside the point. The point is, he insulted my male pride. He's lucky I didn't punch him!"

And then Sehun says :"Oh, as if your punch could even hurt a ing mouse!"

"What was that, you ing brat?!" Lu Han stands up from his seat and walks over to Sehun and grabs him by the collar.

Baekhyun spends the rest of the day laughing his off and feels as if all is right with the world again.

"So basically Chen called me and told me we're visiting you," Lu Han says later that night as both of them walk back home from the convenience store, each holding a plastic bag full of snacks for their movie marathon that night. Jongin brought a surprising amount of them. "And told me that I should probably bring some extra clothes too. In case we're staying over. didn't even ask me if I had other plans. I'm his teacher."

Baekhyun chuckles softly. "But I thought you guys were planning on staying over from the start."

"Oh, that." Lu Han snorts. "Chen says that we'll only sleep over if he deems you pathetic and lonely enough," he bumps shoulders lightly with Baekhyun. "And you are. So," he shrugs. "Here we are."

Baekhyun sighs. "That obvious, huh?"

"Yes. You were so ing obvious even that Oh kid noticed. And I'm pretty sure I saw pity in his eyes."

Well. Baekhyun must have been so ing blatant if even Sehun notices and actually feels pity.

Baekhyun sighs again and they stay silent for the whole trip. Once they arrive at the front gate of his house, Lu Han suddenly stops him with a grab of the wrist. When Baekhyun turns around, Lu Han grins before leaning in and kissing him chastely on the lips.

Baekhyun chuckles at the sudden action. "Why, out of the blue?"

Lu Han, still grinning, places his free arm around Baekhyun's waist and pulls Baekhyun against him. "That was your belated New Year's kiss." He rests his forehead against Baekhyun's. "Bet you didn't kiss anyone. In fact, I bet you probably didn't even step a foot out of the house unless it's important until now. Hell, I bet you even stayed in during New Year."

Baekhyun laughs because of the truth in it (though he doesn't mention that he cried like a ing teenage girl on the first night, but he thinks Lu Han knows anyway). "Shut up, ," he leans up and kisses Lu Han, slightly deeper than the previous one because why the hell not, it's Lu Han and they both know it's for good fun when--

Baekhyun hisses in pain when he feels something grip his arm ing tightly, and when he pulls away from Lu Han--

"Chanyeol, what the ?"

A/N: lol I was distracted and I almost put this for the chapter picture: