8.

At the age of 28, Kim Junmyeon was considered one of the most successful businessmen in his field and an all around perfect heir to a textile empire he had been so efficiently running. His collected image and cool head regarding the professional side of his life was well known among both his competitors and the tabloids. There was never a single spec on his reputation and he never cared enough for his personal life to let the press feed off any possible scandals or misunderstandings that could be appropriately blown up of proportions. If Junmyeon ever bothered to think about it, he would probably feel utterly scandalised and disgusted at the prospect of others scrutinising his personal matters; but in fact, he believed that he had never spared this even one passing thought. 

However, ever since he started a relationship with Bae Joohyun of Red Velvet Industries, he had got used to seeing his name slowly drifting away from the business section, and more towards yellow pages, something he had yet to decide his attitude towards. Unfortunately, this also meant that he had to behave himself extremely well in public, even more so than usual, for people were just looking for a single imperfection to pick at and he couldn’t have that. Usually, it was not a problem – after all, the ice prince reputation did not follow him for nothing. Nevertheless, these past weeks he found himself more and more distracted, agitated even, and it had began reflecting in his work ethic, something he hated compromising on. Any day, he would slip and make a mistake, and then the perfect little fortress made of reason and impeccable attitude that he had been building around his fiancée and himself would be ruined. And why?

Because of . Kim Junmyeon lost all reason because he was about to have for the first time in his life.

He internally scoffed every time he briefly came back to his senses. This was too ridiculous. was just . Suho knew everything that there was to know about it, of course, but he’d never considered it something worth getting excited over. It’s not like he wasn’t healthy, he had touched himself and had wet dreams in the past – but it was never satisfying to the point of forgetting that his sheets were soiled in the result and he absolutely hated dirty bed sheets. After the brief period of adolescence that came almost as soon as it went away, he stopped sparing the physical aspect of himself any thought. His consideration extended only to clean shirts and ironed suit trousers.

But now… now was different. Now he had a partner whose hand he held and whose lips he kissed on regular basis. When they first agreed to start seeing each other, he had been too distracted, he knew that now. For the first few days, he could not enjoy her company at all, waiting for when he could take her home already, just to be on the receiving end of the kiss that he had come to adore so much. When he finally admitted to the cause of his change in attitude – because Irene was sharp and it did not take long for her to confront him about his lack of attention – she just laughed and explained that he did not necessarily have to wait all day just to kiss her.

Apparently, they could meet just with the sole purpose of kissing. One part of Suho was scandalised at the prospect of suggesting a meeting that involved such unproductive activity, but that part certainly fought for the better with the other one that screamed at him, reasoning that in this particular situation, it was all right to be average and enjoy what average people did. From then on, his extremely collected and virtually non-existent personal life went downhill.

At first, it was just kissing. He had had problems with holding her hand, finding it sweaty and unhygienic even, but never with kissing. Once they had kissed, it was like he felt new energy running through him and he worked twice as efficiently. But later, one by one he developed certain urges related to touching her here or there – the neck, the small of her back, her arms and… well, he still felt the burn on his cheek after being unceremoniously slapped by the petite blonde, taken by completely surprise when the usually careful and reserved Kim Junmyeon started feeling up her bust.

‘Suho.’

But nobody could have been more astonished at the act than Suho himself. It was like his hands were no longer connected to his brain and lived their own secret life where all they wanted to do was touch the small cups and never let go. He couldn’t stop thinking about what he had done.

The fact that he had enjoyed it so much finally made him realise where all of this was going. . He had been blind. was, of course, expected in marriage – how else would he produce a heir for his family? – but he expected to just go along with it. He would have never in his wildest dreams guessed that he would want to initiate the contact.

‘Suho…’

Like the reasonable woman that she was, Irene sat down to discuss the matter in detail and they both agreed it would be best to wait until after they married. He was therefore not expected to perform until that time, and somehow, it relaxed him instead of frustrating – there was a schedule to be followed, and until then, he could be comfortable doing other things. Except that he had managed to get himself engaged in the meantime and there were only three days left until this particular performance evaluation, and Suho’d realised he had no real experience to pride himself in. Irene must have surely had boyfriends in the past, or at least ual encounters that she hoped would result in pregnancy – the prime age for producing a healthy offspring was 19 to 26 years old, as Suho had read somewhere, so he probably had to rush. He concluded he would not be at all surprised if getting pregnant was the utmost priority and sole purpose for most women.

‘Suho!’

But how… how to suggest a ual encounter? It was probably expected during their first night as a married couple, but he feared that if he did not make it tempting enough, the business woman in Irene would just decide to pass up on the unattractive opportunity and he could not have that. But how… how-

He felt himself being shaken violently and he came back to reality with a start. He blinked as his vision adjusted to his best friend and his first cousin hovering over him. He was still seated at his desk.

‘Suho, are you all right?’ Minseok asked with concern, half sitting at the empty space of the surface, his arms crossed.

‘We’ve been trying to get your attention for minutes. Did you really not hear us ringing the intercom?’ Chanyeol raised his eyebrow sceptically.

‘I…’ Suho closed his mouth, tilting his head to the left, wondering himself what he had been doing all this time. Minseok sighed.

‘Stop spacing out. What’s got into you lately? Beside the usual, that is.’

‘I’m getting married in three days and I have a big problem.’ Suho mumbled, his face flaming red. He long stopped trying to hide anything from the bunch, they would squeeze it out of him anyway, and laugh along the way. He figured that if he made himself look like a victim, at least they would show their sympathy, instead of making him feel even worse.

Yeah, Kim Junnyeon was cunning like that.

‘You’re not getting cold feet, are you? Irene is practically part of the family.. Auntie is going to kill you.’ Chanyeol looked at him in horror.

‘What? No! Of course not! It’s… it’s about…’ He mumbled the rest of the sentence under his breath. Obviously there was no way the other two would be able to hear him. Chanyeol sighed.

‘If it’s not marriage then what is it? You know that you’ve missed today’s share holders’ meeting, right? And you’re still in your pyjamas.’ His younger cousin raised an eyebrow, looking him up and down.

Suho opened his mouth, eyes widening in shock. He had. He had missed the meeting! Just how long had he been sitting at his desk? He remembered waking up and picking out a suit. He looked down, the grey tie was still hanging haplessly around his neck.

He groaned and did what he had become so good at lately. He splayed himself over his desk and began to suffer internally.

It was Minseok’s turn to come to the rescue.

‘I really hate to into your personal business-‘

‘…no, you don’t. You love it…’ Suho mumbled into his forearm but his friend ignored him.

‘-but if you don’t get yourself together soon, you’re gonna cause even more trouble for both yourself and those around you. Chanyeol was really counting on you today, you know. He was not prepared at all and stammered all the way through-‘

‘Hey! I did not! I was perfectly capable of leading the meeting.’ Chanyeol denied, outraged. He missed the small smirk blooming at Minseok’s face. ‘I was just at the loss as to how to explain your sudden absence when you had never even taken one day off in your entire career. Some people must have thought you were on your death bed, or something. You wouldn’t even pick up your phone.’

His phone. Suho ran to his bedside table, picking up the device. The battery had died. He sat at the edge of his bed, looking devastated.

‘Spill the beans, Suho. Spare us the Greek tragedy you’ve put on ever since you met Irene. Let’s fix this mess so we can all go back to work. I already missed out on my own matters to tend to yours. I have a video conference scheduled in the afternoon, you know.’

‘It’s shameful.’ Suho didn’t badge, head hanging low. ‘You will lose all respect you have for me.’

‘I’m pretty sure I never had one to begin with.’ Chanyeol rolled his eyes.

‘There is nothing that I haven’t seen when it comes to you, Kim Junmyeon, so just tell me so I can solve your problem for you and we can all move on.’

‘I’m getting married.’ Suho whispered, shooting the two people in front of him uncertain glances.

‘…So it is about the marriage.’ Chanyeol tsked, sitting down on the chair previously occupied by his cousin.

‘It’s about…  I’m supposed to perform certain duties after I get married and I have no… firsthand experience.’ He looked at them expectantly, still red all over his face. The men looked at him in consternation. Should have called Sehun, Minseok thought, he is better at the whole code game playing.

‘So… what kind of duties do you mean…? Like… what?’ He probed cautiously. He felt Chanyeol stir next to him.

‘You don’t by any chance mean… your ual performance? The wedding night?’ Chanyeol’s eyebrows shot up high on his forehead. He was fighting hard not to burst out in laughter.

‘Forget it. I can’t discuss this with you. It’s too personal.’

‘Suho, it’s ok to be worried. But just in case you’re drowning in a black hole of worry right now, I believe Irene won’t care about it one bit. She loves you so much, she won’t care about this at all.’

‘So tell me, hyung, what kind of manual did you buy this time?’ Chanyeol chipped in, a Cheshire cat grin adorning his face. Minseok elbowed him.

‘I did not- “ual Behaviour in a Human Male”.’ Suho sighed deeply.

‘Ah, Kinsey. Classic.’ Chanyeol nodded to himself. Suho visibly perked up.

‘Have you read it?’

‘I have, actually. At some point, I was looking for answers myself.’

‘Did it help you?’

‘Well, not really. But it’s ok, biual people rarely find answers anyway.’ Chanyeol shrugged, smiling. ‘Did it help you?’

‘No. It made me feel worse.’

‘Could you, two idiots, shut up for a moment?’ Minseok rubbed his temples, getting impatient. ‘That book examines male uality from a medical point of view. How the hell would it help you understand your attraction to Baekhyun? And most importantly, you.’ He pointed at Suho, like a stern father lecturing his child. ‘So you’re a . So what? Unless you have a medical condition – in which case you should really go to see a doctor – I suggest you get over yourself and think soberly. Make it romantic for her and she won’t care. And soon enough, you’ll get good at it, I’m sure.’

He patted Suho’s back hard, making the other wince. ‘Now, get dressed and we’re going to have lunch, I’m starving. You’re paying for my sushi.’ He stood up and went ahead, leaving the room. The cousins looked at his retreating silhouette and then at each other. Minseok was usually the calm one among them.

‘Hyung, I think your ual frustration is nothing comparing to him.’

Suho just nodded in shock.

Well, the wedding went better than expected. Suho tripped only once, on his way to cut the cake, but somebody’s watchful hand prevented him from landing his face first in the said cake. Everyone had fun, Suho was holding his bride’s manicured little hand and the amount of kisses he received was directly proportional to the amount of alcohol they both consumed. By the time they left the restaurant, it was nearing 3am and the simply family and friends dinner turned into a full blown party, mostly courtesy of Baekhyun, who, for some reason, found the whole ceremony too simple and boring.

Well, Suho supposed that there was nothing boring or simple about the way Chanyeol and Irene’s friend Taehyun had to pick him up and carry all the way to their now shared apartment, since  he could not even see straight. After making sure that he had his equally knocked out wife, lying limply by his side, he passed out.

Now, the morning – or was it afternoon? – after, he found himself all tangled up in bed sheets, still in his wedding suit, stinking of alcohol and with a bitter taste in his mouth.

Irene was gone.

He bolted from the bed, alarmed, but he soon felt down to his knees, the hangover worse than he had ever experienced in his life. He was so dizzy that he discarded any manners he must have had and barely making it to the toilet, he puked his guts out.

He’d never felt so average before. He had to open the balcony door to get rid of the smell.

When he finally made it to the kitchen, he spotted a pot of hangover soup and a note.

Try to eat as much as you can, it will calm your stomach. I’ll be back by 7, I had an emergency at work. After that, I’m all yours.

Love you, I.

P.S. Don’t feel bad, I also puked.

Suho grinned to himself, stupidly, re reading the message a few times, until the meaning downed on him and his face fell. He looked at the clock. He only had 2 hours and wasn’t it his plan to make their first night romantic? Yet here he was, a complete mess, eating the ox soup in the middle of their new kitchen.

He allowed himself one minute of internal groaning and then he called every florist he could think of for a fast delivery of hundreds of roses he had been planning to use to create an appropriate atmosphere, per Sehun’s suggestion. He really was trying to learn from the best.

He changed the sheets and took the fastest shower of his life. There was so much to be done and so little time.

He barely managed to put his bathrobe on, before the delivery men came in to arrange the flowers and the cake shop brought all of their best delicacies. Suho was not particularly fond of sweets, but Irene had a particular taste for strawberries in chocolate. And Suho drew great pleasure in watching her eat the said strawberries. He gulped and shook his head. It was not the time to get distracted.

With the desserts arranged on the little table next to the bed, he began working on the roses. He tore the petals, trying his best to make a little path leading from the front door to the bedroom – it was for the greater good, he told himself, trying to overlook the mess he was making on the newly polished floor. By the time he reached the main bedroom, he was out of roses, so he picked another vase to decorate the bed.

It was too quiet, he decided, he had to put some sensual music on, since he was accused of being completely unromantic on regular basis by pretty much everyone he knew. He absentmindedly picked up the remote, trying to turn the build-in stereo on but got the biggest start of his life when loud moans and slapping filled the silence.

It all happened so fast. He jumped in surprise, noticing an flick playing on the screen and it caused him to take an abrupt step back. He stepped on one of the roses discarded on the carpet and groaned in pain, feeling a thorn jabbing him in the sole of his foot. His legs gave in under him and he fell through the door, banging his head against one of the wooden chairs. Then everything became dark.

He did not know how much time he was out but when he did wake up, he noticed two things. First, he was lying on the balcony’s floor clad only in his boxers and a bathrobe and it was getting dark, not to mention cold. Secondly, and more importantly, the was still playing loudly on the big screen in his bedroom, but when he tried to yank the sliding doors open, he discovered that he was stuck. The belt of his bathrobe seemed to have twisted in between the door and its base, and there was no way to move it even an inch. Suho wanted to cry.

After a few moments of fruitless struggle, he sat down on the chair and sighed in desperation. It was one thing to pass out and lock himself out of his apartment but the shameless video that was currently playing on TV was something else. He gritted his teeth, frustrated. It must have been his friends putting it on last night when he was asleep. They loved pranking him.

He sat there, enveloped tightly in both his attire and thoughts, for who knows how long, until he finally heard a faint click of the front door. He shook his head desperately, trying to disappear.

‘Junmyeon-ah?’ Irene called out through the noise. He heard the voice getting closer. When he was finally ready to face this horrible humiliation, he stood up and knocked on the balcony door. Irene approached and pushed the curtain away, revealing her husband standing there with the most miserable expression on his face. She looked around the room and back to Suho. It was clear to him that she had struggled hard not to openly laugh at the situation.

He supposed he was still lucky. Other less reasonable women would immediately misunderstand and leave him on the balcony.

He pointed to the bathrobe belt blocking the door. She nodded, her lip still trembling from the forced tranquillity. She took off her coat and turned off the moans accompanying the situation. The silence was so calming that Suho almost forgot that he was still stuck outside.

It took some time but together, they managed to get the fabric belt from under the door. When his wife finally slid the door open, Suho only hung his head low, not even wanting to enter the room. Irene took his hand and prompted him to follow her. They sat on the bed, and he still wouldn’t look at her.

‘So… I hate to ask but I’m guessing something went wrong here?’ She commented lightly.

‘You don’t say.’ Suho muttered bitterly, finally meeting her gaze. As if on cue, they both burst out laughing. Suho was indeed changing under Irene’s influence, if he could laugh about so freely about all of this.

That, or he had gone insane.

‘What’s with the y video, my dear husband?’ Suho groaned and it made Irene laugh even harder.

‘I was so surprised, I think Sehun must have set this as the first thing on the playlist. I jumped in shock and the next thing I know, I’m knocked out on the balcony, locked out of the apartment.’ He sighed. ‘I know, I’m hopeless.’

She squeezed his hand in consolation.

‘What makes you say that? None of this is your fault.’ She looked around again. ‘So… is this what I think it is?’ She added in a low voice, taking in his half body. Without the belt, his robe was just hanging by his sides.

‘…I bought strawberries and chocolate.’ Suho whispered, suddenly feeling the shift of atmosphere.

‘Yum.’ Irene noted quietly, ping her blazer. Suho struggled to look her in the eye, involuntarily following the hand movements. ‘I should probably show you, then, what reasonable women let their equally reasonable husbands take off them.’

When she stepped out of her dress, Suho was ready to faint. Her lingerie looked elegant yet absolutely sensual. He stepped closer, unsure of what to do. His hands started hovering around her body, not quite touching it.

‘Chocolate is good but I have something better. And it’s tasty so…’ She started backing out towards the bed, beaconing at him with her finger.  ‘…you should probably, you know, chase me… to the bed.’

‘Being this trite does not become you, CEO Bae.’ He whispered breathless, just to establish his stance on the matter. No way in hell was he passing up on the chance to sample that.

‘There is something I’ve been dying to tell you at least once ever since we met, so I guess now is as good as ever. Shut up, Kim Junmyeon, and kiss me.’ She put her arms around his neck and he did not hesitate any longer.

After all, he was not one to argue with the call of true reasoning.

A/N: So... this story is officially complete. Sorry if you expected or something, but excessive smexy time does not fit with the overall tone of this humorous little story. Thank you very much, I'm really flattered so many of you subscribed because I didn't really expect any readers - SuRene is not so popular, i guess. Thank you for all the comments, I love them. I will try my best to come back with another SuRene story. Please support my other writings, too. Have a good day~`

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