There’s an old saying that I always hear from my grandmother. She always reminds me that I should never be too happy because later on, I will feel too much sadness. Well, growing-up, I engraved that in my mind. Every time I got a new toy, I don’t usually let my parents see that I was happy; whenever I got good grades, I don’t celebrate. I am afraid that the happiness that I am feeling will be taken away from me in an instant. The universe is unfair. And it’s a fact. 

That’s why my parents reminded me to be careful now that I am here in Seoul. At first, they didn’t allow me to go here- they know my state of mind at that time. It was unstable. They insisted that I should stay and Busan and finish my studies there. So they can protect me, not just from others but from myself too. That convinced me that Busan has good Universities too. But, I insisted. I become stubborn. 

A part of me wanted to forget about everything.

Busan. 

The painful memories there. 

Donghae. 

But, a huge part of me wanted Donghae’s memories to remain. 

There are lots of good memories with him. He gave me too many good memories that it hurts so much. We’ve been together for too long, that knowing he killed himself makes me want to die too. He made sure that I can’t function without him. We’ve become each others corner stone, the reason to live. He made rely on him too much that knowing he is now gone made me useless and broken. 

“D-Donghae…” I mumbled in my dreams. 

There was a huge green field and dandelions. It is the same field that we usually visit after class. It’s nostalgic. My youth. 

And there, I saw him standing few meters away from me. He was smiling at me. 

“Donghae!” I shouted. I hurriedly run towards him and embraced him. “Donghae…” 

“Dara…” He said. Ahhh, his voice is like a lullaby… I thought. 

“I love you…” I said. I was crying. 

“I love you too. But, you need to let me go…” 

I shook my head, tightening my embrace. “No! No!” 

“You need to so you can move-on.” He said, gently brushing his hand through my hair. “You know that I won’t ever come back.” 

“No. No!” I stubbornly said. “The world is too painful without you.”  

I looked at him while crying. “I’m sorry. I almost killed you at that time.” He said. 

“Why… why didn’t you take me with you?” I said, sobbing. “I-I got so sad and devastated when… when I woke-up.” 

He sat down, still not breaking the tight embrace. “Remembering it now, it was a stupid decision. I tried to kill you.” 

“No, no.” I mumbled. “It’s not like that…” 

“It is.” Donghae said. “I was so immature. Knowing that you’re leaving, I got really scared that you will find someone new. Someone better than me.” 

“Donghae…” I sobbed. 

“I’m happy you are alive, Dara. That the pill I let you drink didn’t kill you.” 

“N-No…” 

“The world is a happy place.” He said with a smile. “You are alive, you should be happy. Find a new love. Explore the world.” 

“No…” 

“And let go of the guilt you are keeping…” 

“Donghae…” 

“I know, you will find the resolve to live again…”  He said with a smile.

I shook my head. “Please…” 

“Your heart is happy, I can feel it but you are scared. Don’t be afraid, Dara…” He said as he slowly disappear in my dreams. “Trust you heart…” 

I felt a warm hand touched my cheeks. A soft voice whispered to my ear. “Dara…wake-up.”

I slowly opened my eyes and saw Jiyongs’ face. My head is still spinning and my thoughts is scattered.

“Finally, you are awake…” He said. Concern is written on his face. “I thought… I thought you won’t wake-up. It’s been a day since… since…” 

“Ji…” 

“I’m sorry… I’m really sorry…” 

“W-What did you do…” I mumbled. I placed my hand on his cheeks. His warm cheeks. It’s my favourite. 

“I didn’t know you won’t wake-up soon. P-Please, don’t leave me…” 

I smiled and brushed my thumb on his cheeks. Why is he crying like this? Seeing him cry makes my heart hurt. But, I shouldn’t feel this, right? After what he did to me. He hurt me. He is scary. He is not the same Jiyong that I love. 

I look around and saw the familiar room and inhaled the familiar scent. Ahh, this is home. Jiyong is my home… I thought. 

“I won’t leave you…” I weakly said. I hugged him. My body feels so weak. Maybe because of the drug he made me inhale earlier? Or maybe, I was too tired. From crying, from everything. 

Jiyong lay down beside me. He embrace me tight. “I won’t hurt you, Dara… I was just scared…” 

I brush his soft hair. “I know you won’t hurt me…” 

“I…” 

“I’m sorry if I made you feel like that.” I mumbled. “I was scared. The look in your eyes is different. It seems like you aren’t the Jiyong that I love…” 

“I know, I’m sorry.” He mumbled. “B-But…”

“Hmmm?” I asked, sleepy. 

“I can’t help it, Dara. W-What should I do? I… I wan’t to break you so bad…” 

“Hmmm…” I only said. I’m sleepy. 

“I’m sorry…” He mumbled, while planting soft kisses on my lips. “I’m really sorry…” 

My tears fell as I close my eyes and remember him. That’s why I don’t want to be happy… 

It’s been 3 years since I last saw him. I am here in our house in Busan. Jiyong… he is scary. Remembering him makes me want to throw-up. My parents went to my apartment few days later because they got worried when I didn’t answer their phone calls. And there, they saw me. I was laughing and crying inside my room, while holding Jiyongs’ picture. I was drugged.

I trembled at the thought. 

“M-Ma…Ma!” 

I look at the small bundle of happiness in arm, trying to reach my face. 

“Aww, Byeol…” I mumbled as I gently squeezes his cheeks. “Do you want mamas kiss?” 

“Ma…ma!” 

It felt that my heart clenched as I heard him say the word. I still can’t believe that I have him. Byeol saved me. 

“Aren’t you going to the University?” My mom asked as she kissed my forehead. “Hello, baby Byeol.” 

“Mmmm!” Byeol mumbled, making me and mom laugh. 

“I’ll just pass the papers mom.” I answered. I walk towards the kitchen and started making Byeols food. “I’m almost done with the thesis mom.” 

“Where is Dal?” She asked as she started sipping her coffee. 

“He’s still sleeping.” 

My mom sighed as he gently brush my hair. “If you didn’t transfer to Seoul, you’re most probably in Med School—“

“If I didn’t transfer to Seoul, I won’t have Byeol and Dal.” I answered. “Right, baby?” 

Byeol just giggled making my heart flutter. I really like the sound of his laugh. 

“I’m sorry… I’m just…” 

“You should get going. Your patients might be waiting at you.” 

My mom slightly laugh. “Oh, right.” 

She kissed both me and Byeols’ cheeks. “See you later.” 

I started feeding Byeol. Since he is turning 2 by next month, we’re starting to feed him solid food. Vegetables and fruits. I look at the screen in-front of me, checking if Dal is awake. I smiled. He is peacefully sleeping. 

“Hyung is still sleeping, Byeol.” I said to my child which made him giggle. 

Byeol and Dal is my bundle of joy. My saviour. Both of them are very cute, lovely and jolly. When I was pregnant, they didn’t give me a hard time. I accepted them with all my heart. And that’s when I remember my dream, the dream when Donghae said that I will find the resolve to live again.  

And… Byeol and Dal is starting to look like his father. Especially Dal. His lips and the way his eyebrows furrow when he can’t do the things he wanted to do. 

I sighed. When my parents got me, they immediately went to the hospital to get the drug away from my system. Apparently, Jiyong gave me a drug. He confined me for 3 days in my apartment. Everything is blurry, I can’t remember exactly what happened. 

My parents brought me back to Busan when I was discharged. They filed a restraining order to Jiyong. They didn’t filed a report because they don’t want to make this mess more messy. To protect me. They don’t want me to experience more pain. 

I was disgusted. I hated myself after knowing what happened. 

That was Jiyong’s way of breaking me? 

He didn’t just break me, he killed me. 

“M-Ma!” 

I blinked as my vision blurred. I brush away the tears on my eye. He really broke me at that time, huh. 

“Y-Yes baby?” I smiled. 

Byeol stretched out his hand, trying to reach for my face. “Ma…?” 

“I love you baby…” I said as I kiss his cheeks. “Mama loves you so much.” 

I heard Dal’s cry so I hurriedly went to his room and fetch him. 

Jiyong broke me but at the same time, revived me by giving me Byeol and Dal. 

I really want them to have a baby. huhuhu 

a twin.