(Youngjae's Perspective)

“If you keep knocking your head against the table like that, you're going to get a concussion,” Yongguk advised as Youngjae thunked his forehead against the surface for what had to be the millionth time today.

Youngjae disregarded the advice. He lifted his head and let it drop with another thud.

“What's gotten into you, Youngjae? Is everything okay?”

Youngjae rolled his head so his cheek was planted against the table, and he looked up at his friend. “No,” he groaned with an unpleasant voice crack. He cleared the scratchiness away and tried to go back to smacking his forehead on the table, but Yongguk stopped him by pressing a hand against his cheek to keep Youngjae's face firmly planted on the table.

'How dare he look after my well being like this, I'm trying to have a crisis here!'

“Youngjae...” he called. Youngjae stared at his friend, meeting his gentle and inquisitive stare. Yongguk was probably trying to figure out why Youngjae had been faceplanting onto the table since the start of their after shift lunch. Youngjae had at least been able to hide his inner turmoil while he was working, but now? Not so much.

It all boiled down to hopelessly crushing on Jung Daehyun.

Which was a problem when it came to his recent conclusion bury his wants for a relationship and instead keep things strictly platonic. This was easier said than done because Youngjae's stupid gay heart still persisted in telling him how nice it'd be otherwise.

Yesterday, Daehyun had asked to come down and hang out while Youngjae played, and Youngjae's disaster heart clenched so tightly at the thought that he felt it in his fingertips. He was worried that he'd come off as sounding too eager when he responded, but his heart insisted that showing such enthusiasm would hook Daehyun for sure.

Like he hadn't been telling it for days to calm down with that type of thing!

Then he'd come down and they sipped at tea together while Youngjae played piano melodies as backing to their conversations. Daehyun was back and forth the whole time, from being there to not. In his head one moment, the next he'd either hum to the tune or the fantasy inducing singing along.

He'd realize what he'd done, a flash of something along the lines of regret in his eyes that Youngjae washed away with a bright smile and a comment that he'd sung the song beautifully or harmonized with it well. Youngjae reveled in the slight upturn of Daehyun's lips before he unfortunately hid his mouth behind his hand or behind a sip of tea.

As much as Youngjae wanted to tell him that his smile was breathtaking, there wasn't a platonic twist he could spin on that. So he kept the words to himself and instead grinned to himself a bit wider before bringing up some sort of topic to discuss.

When Youngjae picked up on Daehyun's nervous quirks, his brain started working through how he'd help soothe the nervousness away despite knowing they were just impossible fantasy scenarios. He'd even asked about the habit of Daehyun's where he'd scratch at his cheeks a few times before trying to distract his hands with something else.

A bad habit that he was trying to not do so much. The solution he'd come up with yesterday was to sit on his hands, but Youngjae thought another good way would be if he held them in his...

At how his heart raced at the thought, he tried to reiterate in his head that Daehyun was straight. He was straight, so Youngjae had no chance of more than friendship!

“Youngjae? Are you listening to me?”

Right, back to reality.

“Uh, yeah. I was.”

Yongguk clearly didn't believe him. He raised a pierced brow and released his hold on Youngjae's face. “Really now? What did I say then?” he questioned as he leaned back in his chair and folded his arms over himself.

Youngjae tried to crack his back as he stretched up from laying on the table. “You asked if I was listening to you,” he answered, stretching to the extreme to get the crick in his neck to ease.

Yongguk narrowed his eyes with a look that said he didn't mean that particular sentence. A worried frown pulled down his lips. “You told me everything wasn't okay and then stopped responding,” he declared. “I was asking you what happened, Youngjae.”

“Oh.” he sighed and propped his elbow onto the table before leaning into his palm. “I'm a disaster, Yongguk.” He poked at his sandwich that he hadn't taken a single bite from with disinterest.

“You're not a disaster,” he soothed, offering a gentle smile.

“I guess not,” Youngjae agreed solemnly. “I've graduated past disaster to something completely different. A catastrophe, perhaps? Maybe something more along the lines of a cataclysm?” Youngjae pouted as he continued to jab at his sandwich with his finger.

“I'm sure it's not as bad as you're making it out to be,” Yongguk assured as he picked at his own meal. “Care to explain your thoughts?”

Youngjae weighed his options. Tell Yongguk and have him offer some advice, or keep it in and continue stumbling along. Youngjae opted for the former.

“Well, I've met this guy,” Youngjae started, “and while I really like him and want to pursue something more than friendship with him, he's straight. So I've been trying to calm down my inner gay, but it's hard because he's just...” Unable to find an accurate word to describe Daehyun in this moment, Youngjae ended up fanning himself and letting out a quiet oof.

Yongguk chuckled and shook his head to himself. “He's oof?”

“Shut up.”

“Then do you mind being a bit more... specific?” he asked. “He's clearly something good if you're this hung up over him. Normally when you find out a guy you're crushing on is straight, you easily fling your feelings to the side.”

Youngjae drummed his fingers on the table and kept his eyes trained on the rhythm of his fingers. “This is... different. With those guys, I could move on without second thought, but with Daehyun-”

“Daehyun?” Yongguk interrupted.

“Yeah, that's his name.” Youngjae narrowed his eyes at his friend, and he responded with a look that urged Youngjae to continue. “Anyway, with Daehyun, I genuinely feel this... connection? I want to be part of his life, even if it's just as his friend. I might want more, but I'm willing to settle for friendship just so I can see him. Then I do see him and I just... I ache, Yongguk.”

“Sounds like you've fallen pretty hard for this Daehyun.”

“Damn straight.”

“More like damn gay, am I right?”

Out of all the things he expected to leave Yongguk's mouth, that was not it. Youngjae squinted as he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms, unimpressed. “Who are you, Jaebeom?”

Yongguk shrugged the comment off and shook his head with a chuckle. “What can you tell me about this guy, Youngjae?”

“He's Zelo's best friend that moved into Hyunsik's old apartment at the tail end of last year. He also works at the Shortstub's on the corner by the complex,” he answered simply. Those were the basics of it, but the look Yongguk gave signified that he'd meant what about him had caught Youngjae's eye, not general information.

Youngjae hadn't planned on going into that, but if Yongguk was insistent on hearing him gush, then that was on him! “His singing voice is unparalleled. He's also incredibly attractive, but also really shy. But he's also incredibly thoughtful? Like, at the beginning of the month when I had that minor bronchitis, he went out of his way to give me things to help me recover.”

“That's really nice of him,” Yongguk commented with an amused smile.

“Right?” he agreed. “He also doesn't care that I'm gay! So that's nice...”

“And he told you he's straight?” Yongguk wondered with a bite of his meal.

Youngjae shrugged and actually began to pick at his food. “He told me he's only been with girls, so it's to be inferred.”

Yongguk stared down at the sandwich in his hands for a moment before letting out a sigh. “Youngjae, I've only ever been with girls, but I'm not straight,” he declared.

“What are you getting at?”

“What I'm getting at is that just because he said he's only been with girls doesn't mean he wouldn't consider being with a guy,” he explained. “Like me. If I wasn't happily with Jieun and was single, yeah I'd date a guy if I thought we connected well. It could be the same for this Daehyun fellow.”

That was definitely a pleasant thought that released butterflies in Youngjae's heart. What if Daehyun was like Yongguk in that sense? After all, he had expressed a curiosity in it. The first step in exploring anything like that is curiosity...

In the end, that's just a what if scenario, not the real deal. “Please don't put false hope in my head like that, Yongguk.”

“You could always tell him you like him and see where it goes from there,” Yongguk suggested softly.

“Absolutely not!” Youngjae shook his head profusely, chomping into the sandwich that he'd only been nibbling at to the point where he ate half of it in one bite.

Clearly, Yongguk was expecting this type of reaction because he was unfazed. “Maybe hearing a flat out rejection from him will help you get over your feelings,” he theorized while Youngjae furiously chewed. He regretted taking such a large bite now because he couldn't respond quite yet. “Or maybe you'll get the pleasant surprise that he'll give you a chance. You'll never know if you don't say anything to him.”

With a large gulp, Youngjae managed down the last of the bite. “Yongguk, that's too big a risk for me to take,” he shot down. “You remember what happened last time I did that? I got accepted only to find out almost a year down the line that the guy returned my feelings because he felt obligated to rather than because he wanted to.”

Every time Youngjae thought about that situation, his heart clenched in the wrong ways. Being told that at no point in their relationship was Youngjae's love reciprocated, and that his feelings were only accepted because his ex didn't want to hurt Youngjae by rejecting him...

Youngjae certainly felt the most hurt at that particular break up. More hurt than he would've been if he'd just been rejected from the start.

“Do you think Daehyun would do that?”

“I get the impression that Daehyun is a people pleaser,” Youngjae sighed. “Even if he was willing to be with a man, I'd still be risking that he wouldn't reject me because it's what I want rather than what he wants.”

“Tell him it's a no obligation confession,” Yongguk decided after some thought. “That way, he won't think he has to feel the same about you just because you like him.”

Tempting, but that opened up the scenario that things would get awkward between them after that. Especially if feelings weren't reciprocated. If things got awkward to that extent, then trying to be just friends would be borderline impossible. “I'm not going to risk it, Yongguk.”

“Wouldn't it be better to know? If you get rejected, then you'll be able to move on the way you're trying to force yourself to now. If he returns your feelings even after being told there's no obligation to reciprocate, then you've landed yourself a new boyfriend and can explore where to go from there,” Yongguk persisted.

“No, and that's final, Yongguk.” He shot a stern glare right into Yongguk's eyes as he ripped into the rest of his sandwich, and Youngjae caught the flinch in his friend's demeanor.

'Hey, that fiercely biting into your food and staring someone in the eyes has some credence to it!'

“You're going to continue to let yourself suffer like this?” Seeing that Youngjae's stubbornness was unwavering, Yongguk shook his head and sighed in defeat. “Maybe you are a... what was it that Jaebeom kid calls you again? Catastrophe gay?”

“Disaster gay, but close,” Youngjae corrected. “I've earned my disaster degree, currently working on my catastrophe degree based on how things are going right now.”

Youngjae grumbled, brows scrunching as he tried to think of ways he could avoid speaking his feelings but still be able to get over them. He didn't need his heart to be crushed and for things to be uncomfortable. Daehyun was a nice guy, and the last thing Youngjae wanted was to unsettle him and scare him off...

With a defeated sigh, he flopped onto the table as dramatic as he could while avoiding the things spread on it. “Yongguk, what should I do?”

“I already told you what I think you should do.”

“Yongguk...”

“I'm sure you'll figure it out eventually, Youngjae.”

--

As Youngjae worked on finalizing that composition from the other day, his thoughts ran astray like a pack of dogs knocking over trash cans to get out leftover food. Rampant, unwanted, ferocious.

Shortly after he'd gotten back to his apartment after lunch, he'd received a message from Yongguk that explained Jieun knew a guy who she thinks would be interested in dating. Why she couldn't tell Youngjae this herself, he wasn't sure. Whatever the case was, he was told to message Jieun for details if he was interested.

Youngjae contemplated his interest levels as he worked.

On the one hand, it was an opportunity. Distracting his want for dating like this would allow him to better focus on just something platonic with Daehyun. But then there was the side of him that wanted to hold onto those what if scenarios that sprung up thanks to his earlier conversation with Yongguk.

What if Daehyun wasn't straight like Yongguk suggested? What if he accepted Youngjae's feelings, even after being told that there was no obligation to? What if-

Youngjae was snatched out of his thoughts by gentle knocking on the door. He shook his thoughts away as he heaved himself up and stretched the stiffness out of his shoulders before answering the door. “Daehyun? What are you doing here?” He hadn't had any requests today, and Youngjae was secretly disappointed he hadn't asked to come down for piano time again...

But here he was.

“Oh, um... Well... I thought to...” Daehyun pursed his lips as he thought, brows furrowing slightly before beginning to choose his words. “You seem to be working really hard, so- I mean, you normally stop around six but it's seven thirty? So you probably haven't eaten, and I um... I ended up making too much for my dinner, and ramen really isn't good refrigerated. The noodles get all dry and crunchy on the top, then it's all- Sorry, I'm rambling, here you go.”

Shy school girl style, Daehyun nervously extended a small tupperware container out and kept his eyes glanced to the side. 'How am I supposed to stop crushing on him when he's doing nice things like this for me?' Youngjae lamented. Despite this putting the warring parts of his brain in a funk, he found himself smiling. “You're fine. I don't mind your rambling. Thank you, I'll eat it well.” He took the container from the other gratefully.

Still warm. Had he just cooked this? Or was it sitting on the stove while he ate?

His eyes lit up for a moment, just a brief flash, before he seemed to deflate. “You- You seem a bit... frustrated- It's because of me, isn't it? I interrupted your flow, I-I'm sorry, I just- I'll just...” His fingers fumbled with themselves in front of him, reaching for his cheeks before he vaguely pointed towards the stairwell.

Youngjae spoke without any thought. “Daehyun, you're fine. It's not because of you. Do you want to come in for a little bit?” He hoped the smile he showed would put Daehyun more at ease and get him to stop thinking he was at fault. While Youngjae's frustration was technically caused by Daehyun, it wasn't his fault Youngjae was a disaster gay.

“...Are you sure?” He nervously asked, fingertips pressing into each other and fidgeting as he held his hands in front of his chest.

“Yes, I'm sure. I wouldn't have invited you in if I wasn't.” Youngjae gestured his head back to motion Daehyun to follow as he walked back in. “Let me set this on the table and I'll get some tea.”

Youngjae set the container down on the table before fumbling around the kitchen for his ladle, some cups, and a fork. After ladling out two cups of tea from the giant pot in the fridge, he joined Daehyun at the table and began to twist up some ramen into the fork prongs before shoveling it into his mouth.

Daehyun was the one who broke the silence, Youngjae having been too focused on eating and not looking at Daehyun while doing it so he wouldn't accidentally intimidate him. “So, um... if you don't mind me asking, and it's completely fine if you don't want to talk about it, but... What is it that's got you looking so... frustrated?”

'How does he tune into frustration so well?' Youngjae thought he was good at hiding his inner turmoil, but it's like Daehyun saw right through the facade and right into the truth of it.

He could easily say it was finishing up this last composition that had him so stressed, but Youngjae wasn't actually stressed about that. Especially since he knew this was the last he'd ever do! It all revolved around his conflicting thoughts about Daehyun...

Youngjae couldn't tell him the real reason, but he had to tell him something. So he tried to get as close to the truth as he could without snitching on himself. “My friend is trying to set me up on a date with some guy,” he answered after another bite of noodles.

“Are you... not interested in dating?” Daehyun asked, sipping at his tea.

“It's not that! I am interested in dating,” he quickly said, inwardly hoping Daehyun didn't catch on to how desperate Youngjae thought he sounded. “I'm just not sure about blind dating. Lots of hassles there. Why?”

When Youngjae glanced over at him, Daehyun stared into his cup of tea. “Oh, um- I just... I find it surprising that someone as nice and confident as you is single.” Youngjae thought he briefly caught a tiny smile on Daehyun's lips, but his gay thoughts could've also hallucinated that. “You seem like the kind of guy who could get anyone you wanted.”

“It's... not as simple as that,” Youngjae began cautiously. The main problem came from not wanting his feelings hurt again, but also not really finding people who had similar preferences to him was also a bit problematic. “Being gay means my options are limited to other gay men or men who're fine with being with another man, and those are hard to come by around here.”

Daehyun's brows furrowed. “They are?” He mumbled something while he was taking another sip, but Youngjae couldn't catch any of the words and didn't want to come off as rude by asking him to repeat himself.

“Unfortunately.” He let out a little huff before shoveling another forkful of ramen into his mouth.

By that logic, then of course he should give a chance to the man Jieun said was potentially interested. Even if his heart hurt, certainly it would be for the better this way. With that thought in mind, he sent a response to Jieun.

--

A/N:

Since November is over, I'll no longer be totaling word count at the end of each chapter. Didn't hit the 50k like I wanted, but I'm just glad I was writing. Yes I'm continuing this story, it's a real long one. Much longer than I originally anticipated.

Shoutout to me, who spent literal hours on multiple days pacing around my studio apartment to the point where I'm sure there are blisters on the bottom of my feet and my legs feel like jelly, all thinking about how to write Harmony and not actually doing it.