Before you start, I highly recommend playing Happier by Ed Sheeran on repeat until you finish. Have fun reading!

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They say people do not usually end up with their first love. Many would say that it was just a phase; a mere transition from puppy love to the real deal. They all tell me that although it hurts at first, I would learn to accept it and realize that there is someone better for me. Unlike the majority of the people around me, some actually ended up being with their first love. I mean, Yena and Yuri were the it couple and up until now, they are still head over heels for each other. Chaeyeon and Eunbi were cowards but at least they managed to end up together. Sakura and Kaeun overcame the challenges of their long distance relationship. Witnessing how these couples prove popular beliefs wrong, made me believe how powerful love could be. They speak of fluttering feelings and butterflies around your stomach—all I could say is that I was exposed to lies. Love is just a social construct and it was only made to hurt people. It was only to satisfy humankind’s thirst for attention and acceptance. Falling for her was not the best thing that ever happened to me. Being with her was a predicament. She left me; and I am in shambles.

As I sit quietly in my home, I could only think about how much time I wasted trying to make her happy. Of course, I would not deny that the days I spent with her were my most cheerful ones; but now, they are only shards of memories that would cut me and leave me with a scar whenever I try to touch them. I ought to forget her, everything about her, but I hate myself because years have passed yet her smile keeps flashing on my mind. I am bitter and all but I cannot help but check on her every now and then. She is happy now—way more than she was when were a thing. 

I sat back and breathed out. Here I am, thinking about her again. My mind is filled with questions that she left unanswered. She just walked away without any explanation. I tried asking for it but she kept pushing me back. I grew tired and I guess that gave her relief. She dumped me like I was some piece of toy she got tired of playing. I hate her—but my heart still longs for her.

I reached out for the blue envelope that Yuri gave me. It had a soft feel to it—as if it is fur. A ghost white ribbon keeps it from falling open. I removed the ribbon and read the name of the engaged couple. They are getting married. I cannot help but feel jealous. This could have been us—now I could only wish.

My bedroom door sprung open and Yuri walked straight to me, “You better go. They’re expecting you,” she knows me too well and I hate it. I looked at her and began my excuse,

“I have a lot to do. The company needs their president at all times,”

“Gosh! You are unbelievable. It’s just one day. Just spare one day for a friend,” Yuri messed up her hair, annoyed by what I said.

“I can’t,”

“Why not? You managed to go to my wedding,” I looked at her sharply.

“I was not the president before,” and I heard her click her tongue. “I know you. Can’t you please be happy for them? They really want you there. Yena told me that I should tell you that,” Yuri’s expressions began to soften and I know there is no going back for me.

“Fine. I’ll be going but I’ll leave after the ceremony. I won’t be staying for the reception,” I bargained yet she still looks unconvinced. I let out a deep sigh, “Okay. I’ll clear out this day. Geez,” I let my arms fall, feeling defeated. Yuri ran up to me and hugged me from my chair, “This means a lot to the group,” I just smiled. 

Oh, right. It was always for the sake of the group. It has been years so I have to put my feelings aside because it would hurt the group. My bitterness would only stain our friendship and that should not happen. 

“I’ll be going now. I cooked dinner for you so you wouldn’t have an excuse. You need to eat. Don’t overwork yourself,” Yuri said as she bid goodbye after pinching my cheeks. She shut the door and when I heard her car start and drive away, I stood up and reached for the box sitting on top of my cabinet. I was wrong—she left me something. She did not give me reasons verbally but during graduation, I saw this letter fall from my locker as I opened it. Despite having this in my possession for years, I have not opened it nor peeked at its contents. I was damaged back then and this letter just pulverized my heart into fine powder.

Holding this letter made me feel a lot of emotions that I did not realize that tears started streaming down my face. Do I really want to know if this contains the answers to my questions? What if I regret a lot if I read this letter? 

I stared at the then white envelope that turned into the color of coffee due to the long time it has been kept away. It still feels smooth yet the dust that covered it gave it a different texture. I stared blankly at it for a few minutes before I put it back the box that became its home since I received it. I stood up and took my phone from my bed. I went downstairs to eat the dinner Yuri said she prepared.

Being deep in thought tonight, I decided I needed someone to vent out to and I could only think of one person; apart from her. I dialed her number and as expected, she picked up immediately. I told her to stay for the night at my house and she agreed right away. I sense worry in her voice, though. Of course, she would be worried. I only call her over whenever I am having a hard time or when I am close to my breaking point. She was always there for me; when the other one failed to be.

After fifteen minutes or so, I heard my doorbell ring and I went to get it. As I opened the door, she let herself in and closed the door before hugging me. I could feel her tiptoeing as she tries to level herself with my height. Her cheeks are pressing on my shoulder and they are softer then ever, “Calm down, Hii-chan,” I told her as I pulled away, “Look, I’m smiling. I’m not going to breakdown,” I assured her and she just pouted, “I rushed here as soon as I received your call. Why did you call me over anyway?” she asked as she walked past me and plopped down on my couch. Miu is lucky to have her; but, Hitomi is luckier because her irresistible cheeks let her get away with anything. I followed her and sat down beside her.

“Did you receive the invitation?” I turned to her and she puffed her cheeks.

“Yes. I would tell you that you don’t have to go if you don’t want to but everyone is expecting us to be complete. It’s been years and this is the only chance we could get for a reunion,” she reasoned out and I just let out a deep breath. There goes my last chance of not going.

“Can I tell you something? Can you promise me something?” I said out of the blue and she was clearly surprised.

“If you’re going to tell me that you have been dealing drugs that’s why your company suddenly grew, then I’m sorry, I have to turn you in,” she told me as she brought out her phone. I laughed and stood straight, “Let’s eat Yuri’s dinner together. I’m getting hungry,” I reached out my hand and when she took it, I pulled her up.

We went to my dining area and I could not thank Yuri more. It was a good idea to call Hitomi over, after all. Yuri prepared a feast; she was serious when she told me to eat a lot. I sat down and Hitomi followed suit. We started filling ourselves and the food on the table started vanishing one by one. When we finished, I cleared my throat and spoke, “I still love her,” I confessed and I did not expect her reaction.

Hitomi stared at me like she knew it, “Old habits die hard, don’t they?” she said and I could clearly sense the sarcasm in her words, “I’m a hopeless case, right?” I just laughed to try and shake it off, “Go and look in the mirror. Ask if you love that person, too. If your answer is no, then you have some thinking to do,” she said and I could not spare her a glance. My finger slithered around the neck of the wine glass in front of me but I did not have the strength to pick it up. I stared at it, hoping to get answers but all I could see is the red liquid that barely fills an eighth of the glass.

I felt Hitomi’s hand on my shoulder and this made me shift my gaze from the wine glass to her, “Maybe if you see her again, you’ll finally settle your feelings. Maybe you don’t love her anymore. Maybe you're just saying that because there was no closure. Maybe you just need answers. We tend to do that sometimes: mistake what if’s as real feelings,” and with that I felt my eyes getting filled with tears. I closed my eyes and felt its drops trickle down my face. 

The warmth of Hitomi’s hand filled my cheeks. I could feel her hands cupping my face and wiping my tears. She was always like this. Hitomi constantly reminded me of her but why did I not fall for this person in front of me? She did not feel the need to ask for more in our friendship and I understand why. Ever since she was in Japan, she always had her eyes for Miu. Hii-chan is lucky to be one of the few people I know to have her first love as her last. I am more than happy for her. Apart from that, I value Miu because she lets Hitomi stay with me whenever I am at my lowest. Most people would not allow their significant other spend so much time with their friends but Miu is different. They were the couple that I would always adore and treasure. I do not know what would happen to me if they were not around. 

With my eyes still closed, I heard the sound of Hitomi’s chair—she stood up. I heard her footsteps getting closer to me and there it is again. She wrapped her arms around me and locked me in a hug. She rubbed my back while whispering comforting words. She always knew what to say; it was her personality. I cried silently at every word she utters. I absorb them like a sponge and release them in the form of my tears. I have had enough but I guess my heart still wants more. I am growing tired but my feelings seemed to have grown stronger.

After my little crying session, Hitomi and I washed the dishes then stayed at the living room. I opened the TV and it is no surprise that Chaewon is on almost every CF we could see. It was her dream and seeing her reach it now, made my heart full.

“We’ve come a long way,” Hitomi broke the silence and I looked at her. She is right. Years ago, we were just kids in their senior year trying to prove something or figuring out what they want to do with their lives. It was the peak of their adolescence and it was also the time where their hormones went to overdrive.

Ten years ago…

The group is gathered around their usual spot in the cafeteria. The couples are sitting together while Chaewon keeps on whining. They laugh at her for acting disgusted at her friends, “Hey, Chaewon, when you go acting, you’ll see people that are worse than us so stop acting like a baby,” Yena said and Chaewon just stuck her tongue out, “I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be hanging out with love struck teens when I grow up,” Chaewon assured and Yena threw a used tissue paper at her. Chaewon scoffed and was ready to hit Yena when the latter hid behind Yuri, “Stop using Yuri! That’s unfair!” Chaewon complained and she looked like she was about to throw a tantrum. The table filled with laughter as they make fun of their single friend. Chaewon was just about to ask for Hitomi’s help when the latter’s phone rang. Hitomi turned to her and smiled, “Oh, great. Now, your girlfriend is looking for you, too,” Chaewon expressed her frustration by clicking her tongue and turning her attention to her phone.

Seeing that Chaewon is probably looking for new clothes online, Yena turned to the other couple beside them, “What do you guys plan on doing for the future?” Yena said and her husky voice made her sound so cute, “That sounds so cheesy,” Yujin teased and Yena started turning red, “It’s not. You speak of being cheesy when you and Wonyoung is seen as the best couple in town. Holding hands in the middle of the cafeteria, really?” Yena mocked and instead of letting go, Yujin intertwined her fingers with Wonyoung more and showed it in front of Yena, “Can’t do it, can you?” Yujin taunted Yena.

Not wanting to lose, Yena took Yuri’s hand and intertwined their fingers. Yuri was surprised but it did not stop her from turning red, “Yena, take it easy. Yuri might explode,” Wonyoung laughed and Yujin turned to her to give her a high five. It was the couple’s habit to make fun of Yena and Yuri. They just confessed to each other and everything they do looked so cute. As Yena and Yuri drifted to their own conversation, Yujin and Wonyoung had each other for themselves again. They both stared at each other’s eyes; Yujin’s slowly turning into crescents as her lips curve into a smile,

“I cannot believe I have the world in my hands,” Yujin looked at her hand holding Wonyoung’s. When she realized what her girl just said, her body started curling up due to the cringe.

“That’s the worst thing you’ve ever said,” Wonyoung said and Yujin just laughed.

“What do we do in college, Wonyoung?”

“Why are you asking me? I’ll be taking fashion design so I could start up my own clothing line,”

“Then I’ll take that, too!” Yujin ecstatically said to which Wonyoung frowned. The former noticed this and asked, “Why is your face like that?” Wonyoung pouted, “Come on, Yujin. Don’t you have a dream for yourself?”

“I do. Wherever you go, I’ll go,”

“Not that,”

“Then what?”

This was the problem. Yujin always depended on Wonyoung for her decisions. She always followed what the other girl said and this made Wonyoung wonder if she is becoming controlling even if Yujin obliges without complaint. Wonyoung sat up, “Have you ever thought of what you want to be in the future? What do you want to do? Try to not include me first,” Wonyoung said and Yujin was about to argue when the former put her index finger on top of the latter’s plump lips, “Come on, Yujin. I know you wanted to be someone,” she insisted and Yujin sighed in defeat.

“I want to be a teacher but that would mean I wouldn’t be in the same college as you are,”

“So?”

“I don’t like it anymore,”

“Do you really?”

“I was kidding. I can’t lie, can I?” Yujin admitted and Wonyoung just laughed.

Wonyoung tightened her grip on their intertwined fingers, “Do what you want. College is just a few years of being apart. We could meet during breaks and we could also communicate through video calls and all that. Look at Sakura and Gaeun. They are on different countries but they keep in touch. If they could do it, then we most probably could, too,” Wonyoung assured Yujin and the latter nodded in agreement, “Okay then. For you, I’ll make my dreams come true,” Yujin promised.

Promises were made for people to have something to hold on to. Wonyoung and Yujin were sure that they would end up being together. They were so in love and nothing seemed to ever come in between them. 

Months passed by and their relationship grew stronger than ever. They took their college exams and cried every night as they wait for the results. When the day they feared came, they were together when they checked their e-mails if they passed or not. Holding each other’s hand, they jumped in joy as they got accepted to their dream schools. They were inseparable. To them, college was just a little test if they could survive in the real world. It is not all the time that they could stay together. A couple of years are not much compared to the lifetime they would spend with each other.

At that moment, it was what they thought. Everything was going so well until Yujin started becoming distant, a month before their graduation. Wonyoung tried to reconnect but Yujin would always avoid her or tell her she is busy. Wonyoung tried and tried until she became tired of the rejections. Feeling hopeless, she ran to Hitomi, the person she trusts next to Yujin.
“I don’t know what I did wrong for her to avoid me like that. It’s like we’re not even together anymore,” Wonyoung began crying hard as she started thinking of the possibility of a break up.

“Did you two fight or argue before she shunned you?” Wonyoung shook her head.

“Did you say something that might’ve offended her?” Wonyoung thought for a while before she shook her head again. She started sobbing harder and Hitomi started to panic.

“Do you want me to talk to her? Or tell Yena to ask her what’s wrong?” Hitomi suggested but Wonyoung shook her head again.

“You know what, maybe she just needs some space to think. Maybe she is going through something right now and doesn’t want us to worry,” Wonyoung sniffed and Hitomi nodded.

Wonyoung started being more understanding. She tried so hard to restrain herself from batting an eye to where Yujin is. They did this until graduation came and Wonyoung was awarded as the class valedictorian. In her speech, she wanted to mention Yujin but not knowing what they are currently, she chose to leave her out. She mentioned her friends in general; not mentioning their names one by one to avoid awkwardness. 

As they were taking pictures, Wonyoung thought to herself that if she and Yujin is still a thing, then the latter would come up to her and get some photos. She waited; only to be disappointed in the end. She went to her locker alone to clear it out. On her way, she tried to look for any signs of Yujin—but she was left disappointed yet again. She opened her locker and a white envelope fell out. She picked it up and she recognized the handwriting. As she stared at the envelope, she was surprised to see that it started getting wet. Her tears fell down without warning. She cleared out her locker and put the things in a box—she slid the letter in last without opening it.

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I was pulled back to reality when Hitomi snapped her hand in front of me, “Sorry, what?” I apologized and Hitomi started frowning and her eyebrows furrowed, “I have been talking for a good ten minutes and you tell me you didn’t hear a word I said?” Hitomi puffed her cheeks and if I did not know this is what the mochi looks like when she is mad, I would have pinched her cheeks and cooed.
“Sorry. I just took a trip down memory lane,” I shyly scratched my nape.

“You’re really like Yujin. You stress me out so much,” Hitomi’s tongue slipped and she knocked her head for thinking that it was insensitive of her to casually mention Yujin’s name.

“Don’t worry, Hii-chan. I’ll be okay,” I assured her, “I haven’t told anyone this but Yujin left me a letter during graduation,” I confessed and Hitomi sat up straight, facing me.

“What did it say?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t opened it yet,”

“What? Are you stupid? You graduated as our class valedictorian but you didn’t read a letter addressed to you?”

“For what? That pretty letter pretty much contains tons of apologies and reasons. There is no point,”

“How could you say for sure if you haven’t seen it yet?”

“I just know it,”

“You don’t make any sense,” Hitomi started and I could only see  frustration written in her face.

“Come on. We all know Yujin. She is very outspoken so if she wanted to get back together with me then she should’ve faced me and not leave that stupid letter,”

“Letters are meant to be read and not left to be forgotten,”

“Promises were made to be kept and not to be broken. Guess who broke the rules first,” I started sounding bitter again. Hitomi’s expressions started to soften and I looked away.

“What if, just what if, Yujin wanted to get back together but it was written in that letter? Don’t you want to read it now?” Hitomi put her hand on my shoulder.

“Why would I? So I could weep and regret that I didn’t read it beforehand? To remind me how stupid I am for letting my anger take over? She’s getting married, Hii-chan. There is nothing I could do. And,” I started choking on my words. Everything started becoming vivid again. Her smile is in my mind again. My tears started falling down—for the nth time this day.

“Stop crying. Give yourself a chance. Read the letter. It might be what you need to move on,” Hitomi shushed my sobs and I just cried in her arms again.

“I saw her. A month after graduation. I was ready to talk to her when—” I started sobbing uncontrollably as I recalled that time, “I walked towards her. I followed her into the restaurant and saw that she was with this girl. I thought she was just her friend so I took a step closer but stopped dead in my tracks when the other girl reached out for her hand. Yujin smiled—it was a different smile. It broke me, Hii-chan. I went out but I made sure that I could see them from the glass. They were laughing. She was having a great time. They held hands, too. That was supposed to be us. That used to be us. I thought I had enough but my feelings for her resurfaced. I wouldn’t be hurt if I don’t have any feelings, right? For some reason, I did not get up and leave. I just stayed there and tortured myself. The other girl stood up to whisper something to Yujin and it made her laugh. At that moment, I started thinking if she still cares about me. At that same time, I realized that her letter must’ve meant goodbye. I did not bother looking at it since. I went on with my life, accepted that Yujin was someone temporary. We all graduated but a day didn’t pass that I did not check on her. I always checked her accounts and it was hard for me to see her with the same girl I saw a month after our unofficial break up,” I spoke nonstop and gasped for air. My eyes were like faucets that were left open. I tried to stop my tears but I could not.

“I tried to look for reasons why she left without a word. I tried to think if I hurt her in some way. I tried hard but I did not find any answer. Until now, I am left with a lot of questions. I want to open that envelope and read her letter but I am scared,” I sobbed and Hitomi just wrapped her arms around me and rubbed my arm. 

I struggled with my self for a long time. I wanted to move on but my heart kept holding on. It kept on reminding my mind that the letter exists and I should check it out. I have had enough so I fought that thought off of my mind. I cannot risk getting my heart broken again. I do not want to hope again. She is happy now; about to tie the knot with the person who was able to make her happier than I could ever do.

“It was difficult, Hitomi. I wanted to ask Yena if Yujin ever told her something but my pride would not let me. I mean, I don’t want to look like the desperate ex. I wanted to know if she and that girl was really a thing or if they are just very close. I got that answer in the most unpleasant place. I was drinking with Yuri, Yena, and Chaewon because Chaewon just had her first pay as a CF model. Yena was the first one to get wasted and she accidentally told us that Yujin wanted to join us but she promised a dinner date with her girlfriend. At that night, I learned that her name was Minju. I started crying back then. It was a good thing all of us were under the influence of alcohol. They all thought I drank too much and felt emotional. I could only wish for that to be true. It wouldn’t hurt so much if alcohol was the reason for my tears. It would be something to laugh about the morning after,” the waterworks that were my eyes started working again. Hitomi pulled me closer to her.

“Chaewon’s driver dropped us of to our houses. I ran up to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of mule. I went up to my room and locked myself in it. I stared at the wall as the alcohol slowly washed away the flowery words I used to describe Yujin. It felt hot; I was like burning. I felt resentment in my system again. I thought, how could she move on that fast? Was I that easy to let go of? Did I ever mean something to her? I chugged down the bottle and hugged it. I closed my eyes and imagined it to be her. I was drunk and I only spoke of what my heart wanted to say. I told the air that I love her. I screamed out in the open that I still love her. I shouted at the top of my lungs. I wept that night. I was holding that empty bottle close to my heart as if it was her. Why am I such a wimp? Why am I crying over someone who obviously does not care anymore? All of you consider me smart but I am stupid when it comes to her,” I balled my fists until my nails started digging into my palm. It hurt a little but the pain in my heart stings more.

“I started telling myself that if she was tired of me then she deserves someone better. She deserved the world, Hii-chan. I couldn’t give it to her. She said I was her world but it turned out she found a better one—a world that could sustain her better. I was unstable, she knew that.  Maybe that was the reason,” I started hyperventilating and Hitomi used her little hand to fan me, “Maybe I was too boring. I kept on pushing her to do what she wants. I told her to dream for herself and exclude me from it. When I said that, I didn’t mean for her to not include me permanently. I just wanted her to plan out her life the way she wanted. She might’ve grown annoyed. I was a pushover. She must’ve left because of that. She was not the one who pushed me away first; I was the culprit. I forced her to,” as I came to that realization, I started breaking down.

Hitomi hushed me, “You said you wouldn’t break down but here you are. How long have you been keeping things to yourself? It must have been hard, Wonyoung. Now, now, let it all out. I am listening,” I let my tears flow and they kept coming. All I could think of right now is Yujin. What if’s started flooding my mind. I must have hurt Yujin without noticing. I wanted her to think of herself. I asked her to stand on her own feet and walk her own path when all she ever wanted was to travel that road while holding my hand. 

“You know what? I once told Yuri I still love Yujin and she told me to move on because she is with someone new and I’ll just end up hurting myself. I started to keep my feelings to myself from then on. Yuri told Yena about my feelings and the latter looked at me with pity. I hated that. I didn’t want them to think that I was hopeless; even though I pretty much was. When they sent me their wedding invitation, Yuri personally told me that Yujin could not go because she was abroad with Minju. I told her that she did not have to tell me that. That same night, I cried again. My tears and sobs cradled me to sleep. It was the worst feeling. Yujin and I had those plans, too. They were doing the things we planned out before. She was happy while I was left hurting,” I continued because I wanted to get everything out of my chest. I know Hitomi would keep everything between the two of us.

I sat up; Hitomi did the same. I wiped my tears and my breathing was heavy. It was physically and emotionally draining for me to cry this much. I cleared my throat, “I still love her. I really do. Next week, I will see her dressed in white. I imagined her looking like that and she was stunning. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be the one who would be tying the knot with her. It would be Minju—the person who was there when I couldn’t. The very same person who made her happier,” I sniffed again and I heard Hitomi sigh, “We hurt the people we love, Wonyoung. It is inevitable. Sometimes, fate just loves playing with us and take it to the worst scenario possible. Miu and I fight every now and then because of the smallest of things but we end up making up before the day ends. Loving hurts; it’s part of growing. You’ll be okay, soon, Wonyoung. I know you will be,” Hitomi pat my back and I nodded.

I stood up and stretched, “Let’s go sleep. I’m exhausted,” I said as my eyelids started dropping. Hitomi got up and hugged me before telling me good night and wishing me to have good dreams. She ran to the guest room where she always stayed and I went up to my room. Again, I am alone in these four corners. Whenever I look over my bed, I could only see my curled up self with an empty mule bottle. I did cry hard that night. Yujin meant so much to me that I could not accept that she let me go just like that.

I slept and before I know it, a week already passed and it is her big day. I spent the last week with Hitomi and Miu. They kept me company and I would be lying if I said I was not jealous. Yujin and I used to be like them.

I prepared my stuff and did my own make up. I promised Hitomi that I would do hers and Miu’s so I got ready earlier than planned. I was just about to put on some eyeliner when I heard my bell ring. I opened the door for them and stared Hitomi down, “What?” she said as she noticed my deadly glare, “You should be thankful that my liquid eyeliner has not touched my eyelid yet,” I said and Miu laughed as she understood, “Thank. You,” Hitomi said with a straight face. We went to my room and I told them that I will just finish mine before I start with theirs.

After a couple of hours, we were all set for the wedding. I looked at the mirror one last time. This is it. I will be seeing her again. I just hope that as she speak her vows, my feelings would take the blow and start dying out. 

We drove to the venue. I was alone in my car while Hitomi and Miu were in their own vehicle. I followed them and I was in awe as I saw the place. Minju was an event organizer after all. It was easily one of the extravagant weddings I have been to. Yujin is indeed lucky to have her; just as lucky as Minju is for having her. The three of us walked inside and we were immediately welcomed by Yena and Yuri.

Yena hugged me and whispered thank you. I smiled at her when she pulled away. My eyes wandered around; trying to scan for familiar faces. I heard a squeal behind me and as I turned around I was already locked in a tight hug. I hugged the person back because I figured out who it is. I looked over to her wife who is standing behind her and is clapping softly, “Glad to see you here, Wonyoung,” Kaeun told me, “I am surprised to see myself here, too,” I joked and I felt Sakura hit my back, “It is just right that you came. This is the first time that we will be complete after your high school graduation,” Sakura said and I could not help but feel guilty.

What happened in the years that followed our graduation were not pretty. When I could make it, Yujin could not, and it was the same the other way around. We did not mean to do it but just like Hitomi said, fate always finds a way to play with people. I heard some footsteps and I saw my favorite couple in the world. I ran to them and squeezed them in a hug, “I missed the two of you,” I told them and Chaeyeon started ruffling my hair so I hit her hand to stop her, “I spent two hours on that,” I snarled and she just laughed, “You owe me one, Chaeyeon. I told you Wonyoung would not miss this,” Eunbi said as she rested her arm on my shoulder. I narrowed my eyes as a result of their audacity to make a bet whether I would come or not. They just chuckled and hugged me again.

We just stood by the entrance; waiting for our other friends. We heard endless bickering and saw Hyewon fighting with Nako. Minami is sticking her tongue out while holding onto the hem of Hyewon’s dress that barely touches her knees, “Oh my gosh! She could walk now!” Yuri exclaimed as she approached Minami with open arms. The confused kid looked up at her mom. When Hyewon nodded, she walked right into Yuri’s arms and wrapped her small arms around her aunt’s neck. I approached Nako who was obviously annoyed, “Long time no see. How was Japan?” I asked and she hit me, “Why do you keep growing? Ten years have passed yet your growth plates seem to be more open than ever,” she complained and Yena heard it. The latter approached us and started teasing Nako. Chaewon was the last to arrive, due to having a schedule earlier this morning, and the group was almost complete. Yujin was the only one missing; and I missed her.

The ceremony began and my heart started beating fast. The emcee called for the engaged couple to enter and all of our heads turned towards the door. After a few seconds, my heart dropped. It was exactly how I imagined her to be. She looked like an angel in her white dress. My eyes were fixed on her. My gaze followed her every move. Her smile was so bright; she shines better than before. For a moment, our eyes met and I was sure she saw me because her smile became smaller. It was the kind of smile that did not reach her eyes. I know because I would always observe the way she smiled whenever we were together. Those were the days.

They reached the altar and the main part of the ceremony began. Time flew fast but as I look at Yujin, time appeared to have been frozen. I see her smile wider as she stared into Minju’s eyes. I feel my heart getting beat into pulp. As they said their I do’s and vows, I wanted to look away but I had no other choice. I plastered a smile onto my face to show everyone that I am okay; even if I am not.

They are now married. Everyone was rejoicing. Yena was the very first one to approach them. Yujin started tearing up and my eyes got watery, too. Hitomi put her hand on my shoulder and it made me cry. I wiped my tears and clapped for the newlyweds. They went out and rode their car. We, the guests, were left in the venue and started getting ready to go to the reception. I walked to my car and went inside. I buckled my seatbelt and I opened the compartment. I took the white envelope and stared at it again. Whatever is inside this letter, I will have no regrets. I do not have the right to have them. Yujin is happy now and I do not want her to feel bad.

I slowly opened the envelope and as expected, there were a lot of papers inside. The thick appearance of the old envelope was no illusion. Yujin really invested her time in writing. I unfolded the papers and started reading:

To. My Wonyoung

Hi. I don’t know how to start letters nor how to write them but for you, I am doing this. I am sorry if you feel like I have ignored you for the past month. I was confused and mad. My dad tried to match me with the daughter of one of his colleagues. I did not want to meet her so my dad started throwing fit (kidding, he was on rage). He told me that if I will not agree to his terms, he could easily ruin you. I was scared because I know what he was capable of. You were doing great at school and had a clear plan of your future so I could not risk that. I did not want to be selfish. 

It has been a month and we are graduating. Although, by the time you read this, we have graduated. I am proud of you, Wonyoung. I am grateful that I have shared my senior year with you. And with the rest of the group, our whole high school life. You are a very special person to me. You really mean a lot. When we were together, I always lived in the moment. When we are not, I would always look forward to spending time with you again. You set my goals straight and I am very thankful. If not for you, I would not have known the value of true happiness. You pushed me to the path I wanted. Even though it meant being away from you for quite some time, you still insisted that I take it. I am going to be a good teacher who would guide her students to follow what their heart really desires. 

Avoiding you was hard. You know that, right? I resisted so many times to hug you and tell you that I still love you. You kept asking me what you did wrong but I did not answer. I did not even turn to you. I am very sorry for hurting you. You do not deserve that treatment. I do not deserve you. I know that you kept on crying yourself to sleep. I could see it in your eyes. One day, you stopped bothering me and I did not know what to feel. I was relieved because things would be easier but at the same time I felt uneasy. I started doubting but I reminded myself that it is for the better. 

I hurt you. I am not denying that. Before anything else, I just want to say that I only want the best for you. Good luck with college! I know you will ace it and be a successful fashion designer. With your skills and determination, I am pretty sure you could start your own company and make it grow. You will reach heights, Wonyoung. I believe in you so I hope you believe in yourself, too. If ever you end up hating me for suddenly keeping distance, I would fully understand.

The time I spent with you was time well spent. I will never regret any of those. If I were to relive my life again, I would keep choosing you. Wonyoung, you made me feel like I could do everything if I had the will to. You were there to cheer for me when I did not trust my capabilities. You pushed me to my limits only for me to find out that I could transcend. You turned me into a better person. You did not just love me—you also cared for me. 

If it is not too much to ask, can we meet by the tree near the track? I will wait for you there until I do not know. Maybe until I want to? Until I decide to give up? If you have moved on or had enough of me, just do not show up. It would be torture to see you come and get my hopes up only to hear you tell me that we are over. I may have avoided you for no reason (on your point of view) but my heart still wants you. I will wait, Wonyoung. I will stay there until my heart could handle. I love you. I always have and always will. Sorry for causing you too much pain. If this is goodbye, then I am letting you go. Thank you for the best days of my life. 

If this really is goodbye…

For the last time, I love you, Jang Wonyoung. I love you.

PS. I know that one day you will fall in love with someone new; but if he or she breaks your heart like lovers do, just know that I will be waiting here for you.

-Yujin

I gripped the papers too tight which led them to being crumpled. Damn it! Here it goes again. The what if’s started filling my mind. If only I read this letter despite my anger, we could have ended up okay. If only I did not let my feelings overwhelm my love for her, then everything would have been okay. All this time I thought she grew tired of me. How long did she wait back then? Knowing her, she must have waited until nighttime. I hate my self. I hate my brain for being too rational and I hate my heart for not being assertive. This is the exact reason why I did not want to read this letter: regrets. I am sorry, Yujin. I was so mad that I did not spare your last gift a glance. Ten long years. It took me ten years to finally open it and accept your reasons.

 
If only I knew. If only I did. 

These will remain as what if’s.

You are married now. I know Minju could make you feel more than I ever did. 

I misunderstood you and now I lost you. I can never take you back. 

Maybe this was the closure I needed. I am stuck with the scenarios that could have been shared by us but it is too late now. You still waited for me, didn’t you? You left the place but you were expecting me to keep in touch as soon as possible. You patiently waited for me and made it into a month. You wanted me to communicate. Unfortunately, I did not. Thank you for loving me, Yujin, and sorry for making you wait and suffer. I guess this is it for us. Annyeong.