[2015]

To be loved

Park Yoochun was seventeen-years-old when he got to meet Kim Jaejoong for the first time. The guy was shy, big eyes hidden behind a way too long fringe, and he didn’t speak a lot. He whispered a broken “Hello” and bowed politely before showing his back and walking away somewhere in the company.
Yoochun thought it was because he was probably very young and kind of intimidated by the outside world, and he was very surprised some days later when he discovered that the guy was actually older than him.

He was cold, too: a frozen smile greeting him before the morning routines and an icy gaze following those that dared to look at him for a little bit too long. And he was confident, well aware of the power his voice held, conscious of all the possibilities that same voice would have opened for him in the near future.

However, soon enough Yoochun realised that his coldness was a just a shield to protect the incredible warmth he was treasuring inside, preventing others from taking advantage of it. He also realised that the confidence he used to show was nothing more than an armour to distract people from all his doubts and insecurities.
He was strange, Kim Jaejoong, nothing common, that was for sure, but Yoochun didn’t let the walls he built around himself scare him away and he started to break them down one by one, until there was nothing more to fight and the pure essence of  Jaejoong was looking right into his eyes. . Unharmed.

It was 2004 and it was January when he got to touch the fire that was burning inside of him for the first time. He was tired, and worn out, and he was missing his family more than ever, feeling so alone in a country so far away from home. Life in the US wasn’t especially fun or incredibly happy, but his parents were there and his brother was there too, backing him up every time he was about to fall.
Here in Korea, on the other hand, he had no one, and even though those four guys were starting to become a family, he didn’t really feel confortable to open up yet. That was until that winter night when Jaejoong opened the door of the room he had hidden himself into and saw himself crounched on the bed, eyes full and red from crying, He didn’t say a word in the silence that was floating between them, but walked the line that divided his feelings from the outside world, lingering a hand over his shoulder and hugging him tighly for hours. Yoochun had never had lots of friends, but in that moment, when the warmth of the guy in front of him started to melt his barriers too, he felt strangely at peace and he wondered if something so beautiful could really be his to hold.

Jaejoong used to smile a lot, but with time Yoochun managed to distinguish the different types of smiles he wore. There were the sincere ones, those he couldn’t hold back and always tried to hide behind the palm of his hand; they were usually answers to Yunho’s sappy humor or reactions to the fans’ messages and compliments. Then there were the fake ones, those where he didn’t show his teeth, but pressed his lips tight together, forcing his cheeks to raise against his own feelings. There was nothing to cover those smiles from, so he let most of the people see them and mistake them for true. He didn’t care at all.

Jaejoong was a falling star, he came to think one day: shining in the middle of the night, making people’s wishes come true, but broken and on the edge of falling apart too. He was a complex human being no one truly managed to understand. He was funny and easy to get along with once you knew him, but there was always that small part of his soul which his sadness owned and it was difficult to make him laugh once that part took over, it was difficult to put him to sleep when tears were all his eyes could see. When depression came alive, it was so tiring to fight it back that sometimes Yoochun wondered if they would have always had to, if the future coudn’t give them happiness alone.

Kim Jaejoong was a playboy too, breaking hearts here and there, but it wasn’t really his fault: his features were hyptnotizing and it was nearly impossible not to fall for him. His charms were amazing too, and that voice of his resembled that of mermaids coming out from the darkness of the ocean.

It wasn’t easy to stand by his side. He wasn’t easy to begin with, but Yoochun had known that since the day they had first met and it had never made him afraid: Kim Jaejoong was worth all the work.

By the time they reached the end of their 3rd decade, Yoochun could say he had understood 95% of his friend and he could now tell his mood from a single gesture, he could tell if he was depressed or angry or overexcited from a single word on the phone and he could totally read through that big doe eyes of his.

There was just this 5% he never really got the chance to know. It was so well hidden in between the labyrinths of his soul that Yoochun sometimes thought Jaejoong wasn’t really aware of it himself. It was the damned side of his character, where all his jelousy and insecurities came from, where his disappointments wouldn’t find peace, where all his fallen tears became an overflowed river. Nobody was allowed there, an insuperable gate blocking every entrance. It was the place that made him broken, the place that made him human.

It was just with time that Yoochun could wintness that place brighten, a small light fighting its way beyond the thick clouds until it was finally there, putting to sleep all the demons inside the guy’s soul. It wasn’t over _as it would probably never be_ but it was better.

And as he was sending a crying and drunk Jaejoong away to the military, hugging him tight at his farewell party, Yoochun wondered what was the reason behind his healing and couldn’t help but laugh softly when he came to the answer.

Love.
Kim Jaejoong just wanted to be loved.