Thought # 24.

"Sometimes when we open our heart we can find beautiful things in this world.

In this world full of mysteries anything can happen, good or bad things. But we don't know where we can find the happiness we deserve.

And if something bad happened... people say that what doesn't kill us make us stronger. We just have to find the way to use bad experiences to make them our battle scars and say; i survived, i made it.

We should never feel stuck.

In this life we must go on no matter what."

Every morning when i woke up since we moved in, I felt his hand resting on my belly. Maybe one day i would wake up with my face hidden in his neck and one leg on him, maybe the next I would wake up with his head resting against my back, but i always woke up with his hand touching my belly. As if he looks for it in dreams, as if he knew it was there. Some mornings I had his face against mine, others i only felt his heat, but he was here, and still seemed so unreal. It was like winning the lottery, or have found what i was not looking for. All this happiness was in front of me that first night in college, smiling as if he had already known since before that we were going to love each other.

In our new bedroom in our new home, his phone rang breaking the silence of the place. I stretched my arms under the pillow and i heard him grunting as he woke up.

"Jagiya... turn that off!" He complained with his head on my back, his hand hugging my waist.

"It's your alarm clock."

"Please turn it off."

I extended my arm out of the blanket and looked for the phone blindly. When i found it i pulled it in and slid the bar to turn it off. The phone returned to the main screen and then showed it's picture as wallpaper. We had taken it yesterday; Jinki was behind me with a hand on my belly... and he smiled with his eyes smile.

"Jinki-ah..."

"Uhm?"

"Can I use your phone?"

Jinki chuckled against my back, and i felt his lips moving against my skin.

"You don't have to ask, angel."

His phone didn't even have a password. I went through his applications and i opened his twitter; suddenly i felt a tingling in my hands because it was the first time in my life that i really saw any of his social networks. In addition to Facebook, i had any other social media, and after marriage i had been careful in the way i use it. But again under the silence of the room, I could swear I could hear the beating of my own heart. I didn't know and he never told me, but Jinki had shared our photographs, and photographs of me never looking at the camera. I pressed my finger on the link and it showed me a photo of his Instagram. Last week we were playing in the dorm room using the evening light to make figures with our hand in the shadows, and there was a picture of me making the shape of a butterfly where light only showed my profile.

And there was more.

But my hand started to shake when i thought about reading the comments. It was a constant battle to live with the negative words of others, but eventually i had understood that i should only accept what others say, but shouldn't let this affect me. At this time, my emotions seemed to have grown more than my own belly. And although i had quickly got used to this new lifestyle, I still couldn't control myself from feeling sad when I saw a movie or the news on TV, when I read a sad scene in a book, or when I was a witness to the people's opinions. And now with the second chapter of his drama, fans expressed their own thoughts.

Onew oppa is such a cute doctor... he and his fiance look so adorable together.

Onew oppa looks like Dr. Chi Hoon. His future wife is adorable. If he were single they can go out. 

I sighed deeply and then chuckled ruefully, i thought the same as the fans. Why deny it? She was adorable. But I would try not to think about it. I removed the blanket from my head and breathed the fresh air, i put the phone back on the night table and tried to get up, until his hands held me.

"Where are you going? Don't go, you can't leave me."

"Jinki-ah, you have to get up now."

"Noooo." He complained again, and although he did so with a lovely tone, his voice was husky for having awakened. "Don't make me get up.~ Dont force me."

I tried to laugh but couldn't.

"Come on. You have things to do... I have things to do."

"All you have to do is lie down with me."

"Not according to my schedule." I stood and felt the softness of the carpet under my feet.

"Angel, please." Lying on his stomach, Jinki crawled to the edge of the bed. "Come back here, this is torture. You are torturing me."

"Don't do this. You can't be late for work... again."

"Fine." Jinki pouted. "Then go to the kitchen and make me breakfast, woman."

This time, i did laugh.

–––––– BEAUTIFUL ANGEL ––––––

The baby's room was painted with a light blue and clouds painted on the ceiling. Being here made me feel so calm with myself. There was a window with white curtains on the wall of the center, a cot against the right wall, a rocking sofa next to the window with a stuffed rabbit on it, a carpet in the middle of the room, a sofa against the right wall. On the night table was Minho's gift for the baby; a lamp that drew bunnies that would dance around the room at night. Jonghyun had bought a stuffed bear giant size now sat beside the couch, Key and Sammy had filled it's dresser drawers with "great and adorable clothes for a baby." Taemin's gift was a crib mobile. And as the gift I had given Vivian when her babies were born, Danielle had given us a blanket with little bunnies.

Being here made me feel safe, he or she made me feel safe. A beautiful force was growing inside me, a beautiful baby who someday would know everything it did for it's mother. A defenseless human being who was our strength and my courage, who was made with all the love that it's father and I felt. Sitting in the rocking sofa with Gahul's head moving to the rhythm of it, I began to understand what it meant to be a mother.

"Gahul... Can you feel the baby?" I stopped and his head. "I know you can feel it. That's why you rest your head on my lap, right?"

Gahul moved his tail against the floor. When we were alone at home watching TV I saw him putting his head on my lap, or when i slept i felt his head on my belly. My belly had only grown a bit and people still didn't know, but I knew Gahul can feel him, i saw it in his behavior.

"Your lap is my place."

With my eyes on our dog, I chuckled.

"My lap is his place."

"No, it's mine." Jinki walked towards us and sat sideways like me on the rocking sofa. He wrapped his arm around my waist, he left it on my lap and rested his cheek against my back. "Are you upset, angel?"

My hand stopped and I leaned back carefully.

"Why should I be?... What did you do?"

Jinki looked up and rested his chin on my shoulder.

"You should check further. You missed some things."

"Like what?"

"Let me show you." While Jinki pulled the phone from his pajamas pants and looked for something in it, i changed my position and rested my legs on the sofa arm and on his legs. When he found what he was looking for, he slid his left arm on my waist again and pulled me close to him. When he handed me the phone i rested my head against his shoulder. "Look."

The camera showed me myself many years ago. The air was trapped in my lungs when I saw the 10 years old girl enjoying a field day with Sammy and my grandfather in the courtyard of our house. "Say hello, girls." Sammy waved her hand in the air, and behind her, I greeted shyly and looked away. "Baby... Do you want to say something to your fiance?" Grandpa laughed. "Hello." I said to the camera and looked away. As if it were someone else, I watched the girl's shy smile. "That's all you wanna say, dear?" I looked at my grandfather and then to the camera, trying to say hello in Korean, but the word got stuck in my tongue.

Beside me, Jinki chuckled as the video ended.

"How long you have this?"

"Your grandfather sent me this years ago. Since then I watch it every day."

"Everyday?"

"Everyday. Every time I watch it, it makes me smile. Besides, that beautiful little girl became the woman who chose me."

I started to have faint memories of my childhood hidden in my memory. They were like little clips, small scenes of the moments I lived.

"I don't remember that day, but I remember the day that Dad said there was a child across the world waiting for me. Dad said we were meant to be together and that I should wait for him as well. I remember we were in my room that day, and he was reading the story that Jason did for his class... now that I think about it... he lied to me." I giggled. "He said a child was in love with me as Grandpa were in love with my grandmother. I was 9 years old and those words made me smile because the story of my grandparents was so beautiful that I never thought it could happen to me too."

"Is that why you're so nervous in the video?"

"I think so. I was a child, and I think the idea that someone saw me that way made me feel nervous... but in the end, you looked at me that way."

"Are you nervous now, angel?" Jinki chuckled. "You look lovely when you're nervous."

"And when I'm not nervous?"

Jinki showed his mischievous smile.

"Look at my wife looking for a compliment."

"It doesn't bother me listen to one." I chuckled.

"Then I'll tell you you're always lovely... even when your nose wrinkles when you're upset."

I chuckled again.

"Jinki... how you found out we were going to get married?"

Jinki smiled.

FLASHBACK.

Within his warm home, little Jinki got down the stairs to watch TV in the living room, but when he sat on the couch he watched curiously the photo album that was there. Jinki turned the pages reliving old times to his young age. He could remember some of those moments, and others were only told by his parents in his baby days. Then, in the midst of those pages he found a photo that hadn't a story, because he would remember it when he saw her face.

The little girl had a happy eyes and a smile that made him smile too. She wasn't even looking at the camera, because she was too entertaining making soap bubbles through that small plastic ring. Her black hair moved with the wind and it moved her blue ribbon that had fastened around her left wrist. Jinki looked at her a few seconds and then pulled the picture into his small hands and against his chest.

The door was ajar and Jinki walked toward it. The rain brought a cool breeze and he hugged the photo. His mother was on the porch of the house near the entrance stairs under the wooden roof, while his father was standing under an umbrella a few steps from them.

"Mom?"

"Hi, honey." His mother looked at him with a smile full of love. "What have you got there?"

"Who is she, Mom?" Jinki showed her the photo, holding it tight because he feared that the wind could take it away.

His mother chuckled, she watched her husband a few seconds, and then helped his son to sit with her on the stairs.

"She is very beautiful, right?" His mother looked at the photograph with loving eyes and looked at her son. "Listen, honey, now there is a bond that unites you both. Perhaps fate united you two, but I know you will find the love that will keep you two together. It is she who you must see through the crowd. When you grow up you'll understand what's going on."

"So I can keep the picture with me?"

"I know you'll take good care of it, honey."

FLASHBACK ENDS.

I never thought I would hear the story, and never thought it would be a story so adorable. But he liked me without knowing it, and that made me think that our story wasn't so different from the love story of my grandparents. I wasn't expecting anything, but all this came to me and made me feel like the luckiest person in this world.  

"I still have that photo, it's in my wallet. I didn't even know you but since that day I saw you like an angel. You looked so beautiful in that picture that I couldn't do anything but look at you. I always wondered how was your life, the things you liked to do, things that made you smile. I hoped that someday you would smile at me in the same way you were smiling in that picture. In fact, the first time you actually smiled at me, I thought that despite everything you thought about yourself, you were still that little girl who loved to play with bubbles."

"Did you show that picture to the boys?"

"I felt a little selfish with your photo." He chuckled. "The boys already knew we were going to get married, but i never showed them that picture... it was mine. But one day Tae found it in my wallet and said you had not changed."

"He just knew that I was that girl?"

"Well... you haven't changed, angel. With those eyes and the smile, but I didn't let any of them fall in love with you."

"Yes, of course. As if that could happen." I laughed sarcastically. "Have you ever thought that this could happen... considering I wasn't very nice?"

"I was sure it would happen, I just had to use all my charm." He smiled. "But if you had told me that I got you so nervous when you were a child we could be together before."

"You don't..." I felt the heat on my cheeks. "You don't... do that to me."

"Yes, of course." He chuckled.

"Ugh." I complained. "But I think you're right, we lost time because of me."

"But in the end everything turned out well, right?" He hid his face in the crook of my neck. "We're together now, and waiting for this little tokki."

"And don't forget that we have Gahul too." I patted my lap, but as Gahul had grown up, he rested his front paws on the couch and leaned his head on my belly. He just stood there, as if he could feel the baby.

–––––– BEAUTIFUL ANGEL ––––––

Jinki held my hand firmly to reassure me and walked down the hall on the third floor of the company. Since the last meeting with Luna i had visited the company just a few times, and although i hadn't seen her those days, we had already had two discussions here and i didn't want a third one. But with so many eyes here I felt that someone could see my belly and guess what was going on there. I just wanted some time for us before the world knew it. Luckily i wear light blue blouse that was loose, and as i used to wear things like that, nobody seemed to notice something.

When we reached the meeting room, i was about to walk to the opposite side but Jinki held me.

"You said I could go to see them."

"Yes, but you haven't say goodbye to me."

"Now?" The halls of the company were never empty. "Here?"

He nodded. I leaned against his shoulder and kissed his cheek, pulling away before he could hold me again, because I knew he wasn't going to settle for that.

"Be careful."

When I arrived at their rehearsal room I saw the door was open. The song "Love me right" was mixed in the air and the mirror showed a dance with a lot of strength and coordination.

Chanyeol was the first to notice me when the song ended.

"Juliette!" He came to me and held me in his arms. Seconds later I felt Baek's arms also and laughter of others. "I knew that you had not forgotten the JunYeol."

When they parted I laughed fixing my hair and bowed to others.

"And for us there is not a hug, noona?" Kai said. "Now I'm a little disappointed."

"That would take a long time considering that we are too many." Baek said.

"Time wasted." Chanyeol shook his head.

"Yah. Not only you are her friends." Chen said.

"But we are the most important friends." Baek replied.

"Look at this child..." Suho said, he glanced at me and smiled. "How have you been, Juliette? Onew hyung said i've been busy so you couldn't come."

"There is no time for friends anymore." D.O dramatically lowered his head and held up a hand against his chest.

"Do you still remember our names, noona?" Sehun asked, hiding a smile in the corner of his lip.

"Yah. Don't be like that." I complained. "You know who is 24 years old and manages a full company?"

"Who?" Chen scoffed.

"You have a sister and we didn't know?" Lay said.

I laughed.

"In addition you will be 25 years old." Baek said. "Don't try to look younger."

The others laughed.

"A year younger... two years less. What it is the difference?"

They laughed again.

"Noona, you should go back to work with us as our photographer." Kai said. "If you work here we could spend more time together. In addition you could see your husband more often."

"Kai is right." Xiumin said. "Now we can only talk by Line."

"It was fun working with you, guys, and i really would do it again... but I have many people working for my family, and now things have changed."

 "Like what?" Baek watched me curiously. "Did someone is growing inside of you?"

 And jokingly he pinched my belly through the fabric, and like me, he froze for a moment.

"What's going on?" Suho asked.

"Juliette... are you...?" Baek looked at me with big eyes. "You are pregnant?!"

"Thank you, Baekhyun. Why don't you yelled that for all Seoul finds out?" I said, and opened my hands in the air when they looked at me. "Surprise."

Suho was the first to leave their frozen state and approached me.

"Congratulations, Juliette." He held me in his arms. "Oh, God, that's a beautiful news."

Like him, each of them came over to congratulate me. Listening their good wishes made me very happy, and at the same time touched my heart with his warm words.

"Hyung and you don't waste time." Baek laughed.

"Thank you, Mr. Byun." I laughed sheepishly. "We talked about it, in fact. I don't know how it happened but suddenly we were thinking that we could have a baby... and well..." I put a hand on my belly. "It came to us."

"Oww... i feel I'll cry." Chen said and hugged Xiumin.

"But you can not tell anyone, guys."

"Why not?" Lay asked.

"I really don't know." I giggled. "For now I want this just between us, then many people will know and well..."

"Don't worry, Juliette." Suho smiled. "We will not say anything until hyung and you give the news."

"Already have a name for the baby?" Xiumin asked.

"Is it a girl or a boy?" Chanyeol asked.

"We wanted to think it's a boy... and his name is Jaeyoung."

"Jaeyoung." Baek repeated. "I love it."

"Unnie!" I turned to the door when I heard Krystal's voice and waved my hand in the air when I saw her enter. She bowed to each and approached me. "Key Oppa told me you were here. Why didn't you tell us that you came to the company?"

"See?" D.O whined. "We are not the only ones we feel rejected."

"This wasn't a visit Jinki said he would take me to the company, my company, but he needed to make a stop first. I didn't think it would take so much."

"Have you been here long?" Krystal took my hand. "Now you have to wait for Onew Oppa with me. Guys, it's my turn."

After saying goodbye to the boys, Krystal and I left the rehearsal room and walked down the hall.

"We have not talked in recent weeks, unnie. Onew Oppa said you were busy. You're a business woman... Oh! And congratulations for the new house."

I smiled.

"Thank you, Krystal. It took several days to arrange every room in the house but in the end it was perfect. Why don't you come this week? when you have time in your schedule."

"I will go this week. I would like to see your new home. Onew Oppa said the move was fun..."

"For him... the only thing he let me carry was a cup."

"He's always been protective with you, unnie."

"I think so." I said. He had become more protective with the pregnancy.

On our way, Jinki was the first to leave the meeting room, but Key in the first to get to me.

"Oh, Juliette." He hugged me. "The dorm feels empty without you."

"Without you both." Minho chuckled.

"Noona, we miss you." Tae said.

"We don't like all that free space." Jong said. 

Like them, I missed their company, their laughter, the love in their family.

"But you know you can come whenever you want, guys."

"It's not what hyung said." Key crossed his arms with a serious look towards Jinki.

Jinki just smiled and stood beside me.

"Angel, we'd better get going."

"Nooo..." Krystal took my hand and looked at me with a smile. "Come to my dorm with me. The girls will come at night and i'll be alone all day. Pleaseeeee."

I looked at Jinki and shrugged. 

"Okay..." Jinki pouted and sighed. "I will return home alone. After this I think I am no longer welcome in the dorm."

"Juliette is." Key said. "You aren't."

Key turned around and walked down the aisle. Minho was the last to follow him.

"We will be in the car, hyung." He said, and waved his hand in the air.

"Call me when you're ready to go home and i will pick you up. Krystal, please take care of my wife."

"I will." She smiled.

Jinki pressed his lips against my cheek, and then we heard an exaggerated sigh that came behind us. Some members of Super Junior were in the meeting room next door, and now they were with their heads out.

I said the hallways were never empty.

–––––– BEAUTIFUL ANGEL ––––––

The girls' dorm were very welcoming. There on the wall of the living room they hung not only the pictures of the covers of their albums, but also had pictures of them in their free time. When I saw the photo of Luna with her twin, I told myself I didn't want things to be like this... Could we be friends? Maybe that would be too much.

The hours had passed without realizing it and now the sun was hiding. By this time I had read the postcards that Jinwoo sent to her and had even joke about that they were the cutest couple I had seen. Although she still was nervous, I knew she was glad to hear things like that. I could see it in the way her eyes sparkled when i mentioned my best friend.

"Your marriage with Onew Oppa has made us question ourselves, unnie. We were fortunate to be part of your relationship and see closely your happiness, and that makes us want to have a relationship like yours."

I smiled at her.

"Don't worry, Krystal, you are beautiful, in every way; You'll find someone who will look at you with all the love you deserve. Personally I think that person is Jinwoo... I don't say that for what is happening between you two now, it's because I know him and I know the kind of person he is and all the love he has to give. With you he show himself as who he is, and I think now understand what it means finding the right person."

When the sun disappeared completely, Krystal walked me to the door.

"You really don't want me to accompany you to the lobby? Not even the elevator? I can wait for Onew Oppa with you."

"No need." I shook my head and smiled. "Besides, I'll take the stairs, go inside and keep practicing for your new drama. We lost too much time."

"Unnie..." She whined pouting. "I like being with you, it's fun."

"I think the same." I hugged her, she was definitely a good friend. i pull away and waved as I walked away. "Bye. Take care."

With one last smile from her, I went downstairs. The elevators caused me dizziness these days, and i didn't want to think about it.

"Juliette?"

I stopped in the middle of the stairs.

"Luna..."

She frowned.

"What are you doing here? Should I also see you in my dorm?"

"Krystal invited me." I replied, she had the right to defend the place where she lived. "But I was leaving so---"

"I have not lost yet, you know?" 

Her stubbornness no longer made my nerves light up, because for some time back I began to understand what she needed.

"Well..." I sighed. "I don't want to be rude but---"

Luna laughed sarcastically.

"Don't you want to be rude? But if you're good at it."

"But I think you lost when he and I got married." I said looking at her with sadness. I knew how it feels waiting for someone. "Can't we just leave it?"

"Woah! What happened to the other you?"

"Something changed."

"It did?" She looked with a surprised expression, but I could assume that she was pretending. "Have you forgiven yourself for what you did?"

I looked away, even when I knew I had done nothing wrong.

"Stop mention my brother, Luna. You know nothing about us or about my family or what happened that night, but I've learned a lot about you; stop putting your finger in the wound you have and move on." 

She frowned, breathing deeply because my words had an effect on her, and I knew she would respond with harsh words.

"We'll see for how long your happiness will last. What's next in your life? People like you don't live happily ever. Do you even know the story where your name come from? How often you were coming to visit him? One time in a year? I was next to Onew Oppa for years, when he debuted, recording videos and programs, winning awards, I saw him grow. And you?"

As much as it hurt; she was right. There was so much to learn from him. I wasn't more than a stranger, and a liar. I lied to the whole world, I thought I hated him. I put a hand on my belly, but that was the past.

Luna frowned at my hand and laughed.

"Now you will say you are pregnant?" And our eyes met. "Are you?"

"I don't have to answer that."

Luna looked at me with pure hatred through her eyes. She turned around and ran downstairs, and my heart raced seeing her like that. Then, i ran after her. I had taken that side of her, and I felt responsible for her emotions. I left the building and stopped on the sidewalk. She had her back to me when she looked at the sky gray clouds from which heavy drops fell. Night had fallen and some people looked at us curiously. I breathed until she suddenly turned to me.

"So you got pregnant and you ended with the opportunities I never had? Do you have any idea what it is to love someone who doesn't love you back? You know what is dreaming for the day of the day that person loves you too? Do you have any idea of how loneliness feels like?"

I missed my brother more that ever in this moment.

"Yes. I know how loneliness feels like."

"Oh, of course!" She laughed sarcastically. "You miss the brother that you hurt."

I dropped my shoulders and looked at the people.

"It wasn't like that, Luna. We were together for 9 months before birth. I know you understand perfectly that bond. If I could change places with my brother, believe me I would. I do understand that loneliness. I know what is to expect for him every day, asking God to make him wake up, only to hear him say he loves me as much as I do."

Luna's gaze softened for a few seconds before she break to cry.

"I understand, Juliette. And I know I never had a chance. Onew Oppa was always in love with you. And I have to get over it."

She turned around to cross the street just as the traffic light changed color. And as in those dramas that Sammy and I watched, all around us moved in slow motion.

And it all happened so fast.

So fast that i didn't think about it and I just did what seems to be right.

I took her arm and pulled her toward me, but she had come down from the sidewalk, and then we both fell on it. The cold, hard pavement received our fragile bodies. I hit my head against the ground and writhed in pain.

Then it all came to me, and I heard the voices around me.

It seemed awakening from a dream, looking around and not knowing where you are. A sharp pain ran through my head because of the impact, and with blurry eyes, i looked at Luna on the floor. She breathed sharply with a surprised expression. Her bare elbow was bleeding, but she was fine. My hand trembled when I touched the wound on the back of my head, but the moment I saw the blood slide down my finger, my vision blurred. It happened what happens after awakening; after that state of drowsiness disappears, we know exactly who we are.

But I only asked myself one thing before my eyes got close. How could i give birth without passing out seeing my own blood?

Then, everything went black.

Well, first to all i wanna thanks to GloomySunday who gave the idea of the first part of the chapter. That cute idea of little Jinki and the way he found out he was going to get married someday. 
I hope this get close of what you were thinking about. If it's not... sorry TTuTT

This chapter is one of the last ones. Hope you like it.