My head nodded to the loud beat when I rolled onto my stomach again, unlocking the tablet.

I looked ahead of the scene in front of me and studied it. A very small girl – Ahn Hyesun, new in Goody Entertainment – was standing next to Sangmin and imitated carefully whatever move he did while Bumkey’s Attraction blasted from the speakers. In another corner sat an older girl, I’ve heard she had been with Goody ever since it was founded. Kim Jimin looked at her phone’s screen, mouthing along something when she looked up, stopped moving and frowned, stealing a glance from the phone again before – probably – continuing to sing. She was known as the voice of Goody Entertainment, and I couldn’t blame people for saying this. She was amazing!

Meanwhile I scrolled through For Goods twitter account and smiled at the questions and silly tweets when I got interrupted at once. “Girl!” Jimin shrieked and shook her head. “This is not going to work out, I told Siyeon before. This is going to end in a disaster, I bet my house on it.”

I straightened up on my spot and looked around in confusion. “What happened?!”

Jimin pulled out her left foot from under her and put out her second ear bud. “I said ‘Yura’ thrice and you still don’t listen. I wanted to ask if you could toss over my water bottle, please. I’m thirsty.” I felt guilty once more and threw her bottle across the room. She caught it with easiness and opened it, simply gulping the water down.

Hyesun walked over to me as well and winked at me, laughing, and also picking up her water bottle. I grinned back and locked my tablet again.

“Don’t get me wrong, you are doing great, but if you can’t even listen when ‘you’ are called...Do you know what I mean?” she stood up, but laid her bottle down on the ground. I nodded and held my head before steadying my knees with it. “I told my mom to call me Yura, too. I’m still home often, so. - ”

Jimin inhaled loudly. “Well, is she doing it?” I looked down and shook my head, lying down on my back slowly. She just clicked her tongue and left with her water bottle, but leaned against the doorframe. “Yura would have managed to tell that woman to do it. She’s a bit more ambitious than you, how it seems.”

I breathed out quietly while she left and closed my eyes, Sangmin passing by me. “Don’t worry about Jiminie noona. She can be nice, too.”

“She hates me.” I muttered, Sangmin rising up his pointer finger. “Wrong, she hates Yura.”

Rolling my eyes I got up as suddenly Siyeon entered. I greeted her with a bow, and she smiled at the others in the room as well before she turned to me. “How is it going? Everything alright? Did you check the sites today already?”

I nodded with a chuckle and Siyeon looked over some files on a table, facing me again but her eyes didn’t leave the four files. “Are you ready for Ariana Grande?” I bit the inside of my lower lip, breathing slowly. “Well, she is American. Now I can’t just back out with some Korean in between, not like with BtoB. But I think I can do it!” my pumping fist made her smile, laying back the files.

My cellphone vibrated shortly and I glanced at it sideways when Siyeon took the last file, putting the others into shelves to our left side, right next to the door. She cupped her own hands and looked uneasily at once. “Sweetheart, may I ask if you visit her apartment from time to time?”

I tucked a strand of my hair behind my right ear, tilting my head a bit. “I don’t know. At times, actually uh, rarely. Is something wrong?”

“Well, a bunch of people have talked in some forums about never seeing Yura entering her house. Please, Hwasoo, do go in there, you can also stay for the night, if you’ve ever wondered. Don’t make people suspicious, they will talk more and this would go on forever. It is really okay to live under her roof. Not every day, every week, but often enough so fans and paparazzis won’t go crazy anymore.”

I started to nod hastily. “Oh-oh, alright! I will! I’m so sorry, I did not – “

“It’s fine, sweetie.” Siyeon patted my shoulder and was about to exit the room when taking a step back. “I’ve told you about the charity event, didn’t I?”

I nodded once more, biting my lip. “Yes! Is it today already?” Siyeon gave me the look. “You are perfectly dressed, your make-up done and we’ll meet in the lobby at eight. If you come late – I don’t even want to think of a punishment right now. Oh, by the way, your stylist got you a dress; it’s in your apartment. See you!” Siyeon now really left and Sangmin laughed, shaking his head. “Women.”

As if trained Hyesun and I both hit him, pointing a finger at him.

□ □ ■ □ □

I checked the clock twice, just to be sure and put on my Nikes. "Alright, 6pm, I'll run around the blocks and come back just in time.” I felt confident and free, ready to go for a jog. I’ve done it a lot lately and it helped clearing my mind from unnecessary things hanging in there.

I laid my phone down on the drawer in the apartment’s floor but took some money with me, just in case I wanted to grab some food.

The door fell shut behind me and I inhaled the cold air surrounding me. “Damn good.” I looked in different directions before I started to jog, turning to the right. My aim tonight should be my favorite food stand and I smiled, already seeing it in front of my inner eye.

When my feet started to move again I heard screaming behind me and turned around cautiously. Four girls, all of them smaller than me except for one, pointed at me. “Aren’t you ashamed?!” the smallest spoke up taking two steps closer, they were still some meters away, when another one joined her. “I hope you die soon!” I cupped my mouth for a small snicker, but stared at them nevertheless.

“JB oppa would be so much better of a leader if he hadn’t got a girlfriend! He must be deflected by you and your noisy presence, !” I furrowed my eyebrows in satisfaction someone called me after a long time again.

The first one walked closer again, probably standing only two meters in front of me with her ugly-manicured, long finger nails. “Listen here, hoe. Leave our oppa alone, he’s not yours!”

This time I grinned and let out a chuckle, closing my eyes for a moment. “He’s not yours, too, you know. He only belongs to himself.”

I turned around and started jogging for the third time now. I still heard them screaming after me, but I didn’t care. It was just like in school – but now girls instead of boys yelled "hoe" after me.

□ □ ■ □ □

The air was getting colder and I looked around for a sight of a clock, unfortunately there was no clock anywhere, but I was able to notice the stand coming up. I smiled broadly and ran the rest of the way with my hood still on.

I halted abruptly and entwined my hands. “Good evening!”

“What shall it be?” a chubby, tall man asked and I pulled off my hoodie. “You are seriously asking?” he held up his hand to cover his face quickly when he spun around to his grill again. “Kim Hwasoo, you didn’t come here for a long time, I thought something happened to you!”

I laughed and looked around the stand, left and right, when my gaze fell upon his back again. “No, no, I’m alright. I have a lot to do, but I promise to try jogging more often so I can pass by your stand.”

“That’s great to hear!” the elder man smiled, looking over his shoulder when two other people arrived at the stand and I searched for my money. I bit my lip and rocked back and forth, already feeling a thrill of anticipation hitting me.

I had come here almost every day, always ordering the same things. A sushi pack and noodles with duck. At some point I even got it cheaper because I bought food that often, and only at his stand.

As I was about to grin and give him the money, a familiar voice next to me spoke up.

“Yura?”

My head spun the male’s way and I blinked, giving the man the money without looking. “Mark? What are you doing here?” I looked at the man behind the table, “Keep the change!” he nodded my way when Mark cleared his throat. “Getting food, I suppose. And so are you, or am I wrong?”

I nodded my head uncontrollably. “You’re right, yes, you’re right!” Mark laughed shortly, but his lips turned into a thin line again. “I’m also here to get something for Bambam and Jackson. They were too lazy to tag along though.”

“Yeah, those lazy buns!” I laughed exaggeratedly when the stand owner started talking to Mark. He gave him the money, also telling him to keep the change when the man behind the stand called out for me. “Oh, I forgot your sauce, Hwa – “

“Thanks for telling!” I quickly interrupted him and grabbed onto the sauce in his hands, walking away, Mark tagging along. “Well, so, are you going home now?”

I shook my head. “When I get food from here I usually sit down over there and eat. It’s always quiet and nobody passes by, it’s still a lighted area though.” Smiling I walked ahead and plumped down on the bench, Mark sitting down in front of me.

“Did you get soup?” I opened the noodles and smelled them intensively, taking in all the delicious scents and Mark nodded with a grin. “I indeed did, where did you know that from?”

I put the plastic packaging down, staring at him. “You are worldwide known to be a soup fanatic, duh.” I searched for my chopsticks desperately and exhaled angrily. “I seriously forgot to get chopsticks for me.”

Suddenly two chopsticks were in held in front of my face. “We always buy at least one more pair of them. When Bambam gets bored or talks a lot while eating, he sometimes breaks the cheap chopsticks.” Mark remarked and I cupped my mouth, laughing crazily. “No, really?”

He nodded and I thanked him, starting to eat. I stuffed my mouth full of noodles, facing Mark again. “I know that you will be attending this charity event, what about GOT7 as a whole?”

“Oh yes, the others will be there as well. I heard we’ll all come together!” Mark cheered and I nodded. “We will? My manager just told me to be done at 8pm.” He shrugged and we continued eating, talking now and then about random incidents.

□ □ ■ □ □

I looked down at my locks and scratched my neck’s left side. My high heels were comfortable yet very high and I swayed from side to side. I crossed my arms and looked over to the counter in the entrance hall; no one else was around me except for Bora.

“Bora? Where are the others, isn’t it late?” I checked the phone in my clutch and Bora shook her head slowly, her head fixed on the computer in front of her. “Siyeon is on her way; once she arrives you just walk out. Other idols and staff members from Goody will follow afterwards. You will all drive to JYP Entertainment’s building before leaving.” I nodded when a car pulled out of a street.

“Oh,” Bora checked her wrist watch, “I guess, I have been wrong. Enjoy this night, dear!” I hugged my clutch tightly and walked out the doors a bodyguard kept an eye on.

The door of the elegant car opened and Siyeon waved once she saw me and I opened and closed my palm several times until I arrived at the car, entering it.

“You look so beautiful! Gyuri did a great job again! And I knew, the dress would fit perfectly!” I chuckled at her compliments and waved them off with ease. I inhaled, running over the bottom part of my dress. “That’s why a stylist came and noted my sizes, right?” Siyeon nodded, looking out of the window on her left side. “Yes, the dress was also too small for Yura, but you don’t share the exact same sizes. We wanted to make it fit like a glove.”

I smiled at the kindness of the Goody team and Siyeon turned her attention back to me. “How is it going with your love?” I stared her at first, but let my eyes wander to my feet. “It’s uh, it’s good. But I don’t feel good thinking that not even he can make out the difference. I feel like telling him.”

“Sooner or later he will be told all of this, I suppose, but not now. Please don’t tell him today, tomorrow or next week. Wait.” She warned me and I quietly nodded in acknowledgment.

And before I knew it we arrived at JYP Entertainment.

We walked out, screaming fans on both of our sides and we kindly nodded at them, entered the building in the end.

I felt insecure, trapped and nauseous again. A lot of eyes were pinned on me and Siyeon held my back, whispering without anybody noticing it. “We can’t stay in the entrance hall; we’ll go into a spacious room behind this door.” I nodded slowly and opened the door.

The room fell silent upon us entering and the first voice I noticed was Yugyeom who also pointed over at me. “Oh my, hyung, look!”

That was when Jaebum twirled on his heels and also the rest of GOT7 faced me. I witnessed Jaebum’s jaw dropping slowly, starting to walk over to me. His lovable smile tugging on his lips caught me and I did the same.

He didn’t come too close yet opened his arms already. “Look at the most stunning, beautiful and gorgeous lady in the world, my girl.” I chuckled curtly and looked down, his arms wrapping around me. Jaebum kissed my hair tenderly and mumbled into my right ear. “God, you’re so beautiful, I’m in daze...” I started to hug him back and breathed out audibly. “I missed you.”

He backed off a bit, planting a short kiss on my forehead. “I missed you more, Yura.” Jaebum took my hands and grinned. “Wearing too much make-up again?” I nodded with a disgusting expression on, but laughed afterwards. One thing that was different between Yura and me was make-up. I loved wearing it, while she wanted to peel of all the fake lashes and heavy make-up as soon as possible.

She was confident about her natural look, unlike me.

The rest of GOT7 joined the small conversation of ours and greeted me, so did I.

When it was time to go, Siyeon and I walked behind them and I groaned, almost tripping over the door sill. “If I could, I would put off these shoes like, right now!”

Mark was right in front of me and turned around. “Unlike elephants, you should be glad!” we laughed at a new gained insider joke from earlier and continued to talk more. I held eye contact with Jaebum from time to time; he was watching me carefully all the time.

□ □ ■ □ □

I cupped my mouth and yawned quietly when we were close to the charity event. The car turned into a long alley and Siyeon unbuckled her seat belt. As I watched her I did the same and waited for the car to stop moving, so she could open the door. “Come on, follow me.” Siyeon waved after her and I quickly got out of the car, hooking my arm through hers, prying yet nervous as hell. “Siyeon? So, this is a charity event, but there are no normal citizens, like fans, just rich people, right?”

“Hey, your language!” Siyeon hissed, opening a door and rising a small card she held tightly the entire car ride. “But yes, that’s true. Just the biggest companies and a few single celebrities that have important shows or issues in this branch.” I nodded and looked around slowly. We were gaining a lot of attention and I smiled as a lot of idols passed me, greeting me warmly.

Siyeon inhaled and lifted up her hand shortly to greet an older man before facing me. “Some people will come to you and want to talk to you about For Goods. Just answer all their questions, you know what to say and what not and most of all, don’t seem insecure, I know you know everything about the show.” Her smile made my self-esteem rise some more and I grinned, nodding. “I can do this.”

She grinned and left suddenly when a broad arm wrapped around my waist, leaving me gasping in quick shock.

“Babe, it’s just me.” Jaebum kissed my temple and chuckled into my ear low. “If you want me to join you in conversations – simply tell me.” I shrugged and looked at him, smiling weakly. “Jae-Jaebum, you don’t need to. I also think you can’t just join a conversation like that, I mean, you aren’t part of the show, just a part of me.” I grinned cheesily and he laughed, kissing me one more time when my clutch vibrated. I opened it and lighted my phone, yet not completely unlocking it. I read a small message from Siyeon and hugged Jaebum a last time. “Hey, I got to search Mark now, I just got a message.” I pecked his cheek and smiled, waving cutely. “See you around!”

I spun on my heels and looked around with ease, but I couldn’t make out a Mark Tuan anywhere. I pouted shortly and started to wander around the hall. Some people walked away from a big table with lots of food and my eyes rambled all over it when small, perfect looking cocktail tomatoes caught my eyes. I bit my lips and glanced to my left and to my right. No one was really paying attention to me, so I took four of them and literally pushed them into my mouth, chewing on them carefully and daintily. I snickered at my foul deed and saw Mark approaching fast. I still wasn’t able to gulp them down, nor chew them completely; my mouth was stuffed with the one thing Yura hated the most.

I nodded at him and tried to put on a natural smile, he just skeptically frowned at me, but laughed it off softly. “There are some guys who want to talk with us; Siyeon sent you a message just now, that’s what I heard.”

I nodded my head once more and Mark tilted his head. “Yura, are you okay?” I pointed at my stuffy mouth, shrugged then to prove my innocence cutely and Mark giggled. “Alright, gulp it down and then let’s go!” he turned around while I grabbed a little piece of chocolate to eat after the tomatoes, around all those people I really didn’t want to take a risk.

□ □ ■ □ □

“I told you that cupcake was twice its normal size, don’t laugh at me!” I hit Mark playfully and looked around the big hall for Siyeon. I couldn’t seem to meet her eyes, so I shrugged and opened my mouth when Jaebum fell in my sight. I inhaled when he walked up to me with that adorable smile of his while I was probably thinking the exact opposite, glancing at Mark sideways. Right at that moment I preferred to talk to Mark some instead of being kissed all over by a needy boyfriend.

The young man next to me smiled meekly and stepped aside when Jaebum ran me over halfway. I laughed and patted his back carefully. “Hey, baby. You guys talked for almost forty-five minutes. How did it go?” Jaebum cupped my face and I looked up at him, blinking, when his sweet gaze churned an awful way in my stomach. “O-oh it, uh, it went pretty good. I guess, Mark and I spoke equally much and t-that was it.” I grinned awkwardly and Jaebum blinked, too. “Hey, do you wan – “

Mark cleared his throat, standing next to us with the same smile as before. “Sorry, Jaebum, I need to borrow your girlfriend again.” He then stared at me, “Siyeon and two others are awaiting us.”

“At least not like, fifteen like two minutes ago.” I chuckled dryly and somewhat simpered, following Mark closely. I looked back at Jaebum and opened and closed my palm, also blowing a kiss, but nevertheless, his smile faded.

□ □ ■ □ □

I sat nervously in the back of a slightly dimmed café on a modern couch when a small waiter bowed minimally, greeting me.

“Have you ordered yet?” I shook my head, straightening up a bit. “I-I’m waiting for someone, he should be here in no time.” The young male nodded with a smile and left my table.

I breathed audibly when my phone buzzed and I quickly checked it, laughing, before someone cleared his throat right in front of me. I glanced upwards and smiled before Jaebum pulled me off my seat into a warm kiss. He broke it after some seconds and plumped down on the couch, dragging me with him. “What is so funny that you’re all smiling to yourself?”

“Oh, I had stuffed food in my mouth at the charity event last week and Mark pretty much told me just now to not eat so m – “ I paused and laughed, closing my eyes while shaking my head, “Nah, you wouldn’t get the joke, so, whatever. Let’s eat, yes?”

 “Ah, uhm, okay.”  He sighed with an adorable smile after his frown had disappeared. “I haven’t seen you being so eager about food in ages! It makes me happy; I was worried when we always went to eat together.”

“Well,” I coughed nervously, looking around for a second waiter to walk up to us, “When you’re halfway dead you just think different about some things, right?”

Jaebum’s mien turned into an unsatisfied one. “Babe, please don’t make jokes about your accident. I’m hardly alright with the whole thing. I almost lost you...”

I knew that guilt was an emotion, and it was sadly the only emotion I felt around Jaebum every single time I laid my eyes on him, unlike the past when I kind of admired all of his face, talents and charms and imagined how easily I could fall in love if I ever was to meet him in person. Now there I was, and I felt nothing.

Nothing but guilt.

“It wasn’t my intention to sound like that.” I chuckled quietly and turned my face to the left to avoid his face, but Jaebum made me look at him again. “No, don’t excuse yourself. I know how you meant it, enjoy life! I admire you so much, you are so strong!” I smiled at the compliments thrown at me when Jaebum grinned all of a sudden. “Now, tell me something about your second episode of your show, how was it this time talking to someone else? How did the charity event go? I heard someone important came for you guys! First things first, the party.”

I laughed and my lips before starting. “How should I start?! It was easier talking to the Korean people who wanted to have conversations with us than the foreigners. We had some troubles with discords like preferences of Eastern and Western shows. But all in all, it was fun. Mark and I just joked around some. When we were talking to some American people we talked some Korean with each other, so Mark and I, and vice versa with Korean people. We got them confused, and it was pretty hilarious seeing them asking before we had to explain the funny things we were talking about, to be honest!” I laughed brightly, but hit his shoulder softly, “The best part was actually when Mark made a slip, confusing the counterpart in Korean.” I watched Jaebum nod once, but very slowly. “Uh, yeah?”

I closed my eyes halfway and continued suspiciously. “Well, he brought in an English word to emphasize a sentence and this Korean man didn’t know what to – “ I stopped talking, lifting up my body more, “Are you even listening?” he let out a simple yet hurting, brief exhale. “Yes, why?”

“Jaebum? Are you jealous?”

“I’m not.” He retorted, exhaling loudly. “I’m not.” Jaebum looked up, biting his lower lip. “At least I’m not trying to.”

I blinked, facing him some more. “W-what do you mean? I mean, there’s no need to be jealous. I just - ”

Jaebum breathed aloud again, taking my hand and intertwined our fingers. “You know, I’m in bliss watching you gaining so much love from all around the world, day by day some more, and you really don’t know how happy I am that you and my band members are getting closer and closer as well, they’re just as precious to me as you are...But I’m worried about you. Don’t think I’m jealous, but I think you are trying to cover up this, well, incident. You are trying so hard to just forget about it, right? But I know it’s not easy, love is never easy.”

His soothing eyes stared at me and I looked at his chest to think about what to respond to the statement of his.

Was he indirectly telling me he knew about all of this? It couldn’t be, he wouldn’t have started a “lunch with his girlfriend” like that. He would be off the wall right away, that’s the only way.

 I didn’t know what incident he was referring to or what feeling I should put into my reply, and I started to shake slightly.

“It wasn’t my intention to sound like that.” I repeated docilely, “I just don’t know how to handle it perfectly.” I looked down; pulling my hand out of his just to cup my own, but Jaebum quickly grabbed my hand again and kissed both of my hands’ knuckles. “Baby, you’re doing great.” He let out a brief chuckle, kissing my forehead quickly, “I have you, and that’s all that matters.”

I exhaled and he watched a waiter coming up to us, waving at him. While he was preoccupied watching a man run around busily, I was running wild in my head. I was making up scenarios what could have happened in the past. I replayed all the words he used and how he emphasized them, what I said and how he responded, but there was nothing I could come up with.

Nothing but guilt.