Sulli kneeled in front of the grave. She didn’t care that people were watching or that her dress was getting dirty. She carefully laid down the flowers, not letting even one flower, one leaf, tilt the wrong way or be out of place. Reaching forward with slightly trembling fingers, she tenderly touched the photograph on the grave, tracing the smiling face in the frame.

Nobody was surprised at the obvious love Sulli was showing, for one surely couldn’t have expected less from the death of a fellow group member. They all somberly looked away, leaving Sulli in her own bubble of privacy if only for one moment.

Sulli let slip the name that meant so much to her unintentionally, the name that had been said so many times within her group, the name that was like a sister’s to her and her group mates-- or what was left of them, anyways. She gulped down a loud of tears, blinking fast to keep the flow of water from dripping down her eyes. With her face down, and her hair covering most of what could be seen, she rose silently and stood with the other members. All four of them held-- no, gripped hands tightly, whispering words of assurances to each other that was as hollow as they felt.

The light in their eyes were not present, and dull eyes greeted each person who chanced a glance at their faces. The ride back to the dorm was quiet, filling the empty, heavy space with close-to-silent music that reached unhearing ears. There was no talking at all, the reason simply being that their throats all felt blocked. Amber seemed to be praying a lot, her knuckles white and her eyes squeezed shut, as if to block out her tears.

Sulli turned her view back to nowhere. She had never imagined this happening-- such an early death to a person so dear to her was shocking. She felt light-headed, kind of dizzy, like her head was floating by itself in space, with only black around her and nowhere to go. Even though a few days had already passed, she had not been able to cry because of the shock and to be strong for her members. Tears had threatened her eyes at so much times, but the most she’d ever let out was less than a few tears.

The manager had called for vacation time, obviously because he had bonded with all of the f(x) members, being their manager for such a long time. This death was as huge a blow to him as to the group members. A substitute one had been provided, though he seemed to sense the fragile air and uttered not even a word the duration there.

When they stepped out the door, a small group of reporters crowded around them. The temporary manager guided the sullen group, pushing away the eager photographers. Sulli was at the end of the group, using her height to kind of guard the other members. She had to be strong, she had to be able to pull the group together again, because nobody else was willing to do so.

“So how do you feel about--”

“What are your future plans--”

“Any words--”

“Will there be a new member--”

“--fill up space with--”

“--group break up because--”

“--continuing promotions even--”

She couldn’t take it anymore. When the rest of the group made it to the doors of the apartment, she stopped, pulled herself up, and turned around, facing the flashing cameras coolly. She held up her free hand, the one that wasn’t still holding the door open, and waited until the questions stopped. The look on her face was enough to silence even the roughest reporter. And even after the reporters calmed down, she let a few moments of absolute silence seep in. Then she began.

“Do you people even have a conscience? Where are the fellow reporters that always come as well? They are biding us time to mourn. Why? Because that is the least anyone can do, the basic of courtesy even a child knows of, simply because it’s obvious. If someone you loved died as well, would you be willing to face cameras and answer questions like the ones you are asking?” Her question rang out, even though it was barely above a whisper. “If you are, then I’ll be the first one to call you nothing more than a cold-blooded monster.”

With that, she her heel and marched in, joining her group members and the substitute manager in the elevator.

Tentatively, Krystal nudged her from behind. “Are you… crying?”

Sulli raised a hand up to her cheeks, surprised to find them wet. She sighed-- photos of her crying with fury in her eyes and videos of her small speech to the reporters were probably being uploaded right now. She didn’t care, though, because those were words that someone needed to say to their face. She put up a brave smile for her friend, though, and just said, “I just told the reporters off and got a little emotional, that’s all.” Krystal nodded slightly, going back to her dull state.

Watching her best friend, that crazy, fun-loving, bright girl changed into this form made Sulli’s determination to be the pillar of strength for her dear blood sisters rose. She turned back to face the elevator doors, steeling her heart again to not be overemotional.

They reached their apartment safely, and bade the manager a goodbye, then started robotically washing up for bed. Even though it was not even six, none had the power to do anything else than sleep. Sulli’s mind was totally blank, her body numb as always, and her heart heavy with unshed tears.

For some reason, the group members all relocated back into the living room after everyone was in their pajamas. Each member sat at where they usually sat when the whole group was together, and inadvertently, their eyes drew to the space that was not filled by its specific 'owner.' Sulli saw Krystal's eyes welling up at the empty spot and the reminder of an important someone gone. She kept down her own tears and instead placed a comforting hand on her best friend's knee, trying to look okay.

Amber spoke up first. "I wish..." She looked as if she wanted to say more, but the soundless moving of showed that she couldn't make herself go on, no matter what. After another beat of silence, Amber took another deep breath to keep talking. "I wish this was all a dream," she choked out. Already her eyes were overflowing with tears, and Krystal wasn't any better.

Sulli looked to the right, where the third member alive sat, and saw her crying silently as well, her hand cupped on her face to keep herself from sobbing out loud, perhaps. "We all do," she managed to say. Then back to silent crying.

Sulli exhaled slowly, not wanting to see her dear members' tears like this. "We all really didn't expect this, did we?" she said sadly. Her fellow mates all nodded vigorously, though since everyone else was crying, they didn't look up to make eye contact. The young girl hugged a cushion to her stomach. "It still feels kind of surreal for me. As if it really is a dream."

She was about to say more when her cell rang, making her annoyed-- now who was so dense to call at this moment? Her irritation quickly disintegrated, though, when she saw that it was the other label mates, calling because they were very worried. Not wanting her other friends to worry, she accepted the call outside the room, with as clear a voice as possible to say that f(x) would make it-- "f(x) always makes it." She didn't add that f(x) had always made it because their group was a family, and the others didn't mention it as well, though both sides knew it was true.

She hung up and stood, ready to go back and start reassuring the other members, when a certain hairband caught her eye.

"Ssul! Look! Doesn't this headband look really nice on me?" Excitedly, the head band was put on her head.

Sulli laughed. "I guess so. But then again, everything looks good on you."

"True!" They giggled together, savoring their time spent with one another.

"Say, I'll buy this one for you--" Sulli pointed to the headband "--if you buy this for me." She picked up a golden flower pin.

"Deal!"

That was when it clicked-- she really was dead. No matter how much Sulli wanted, she wouldn't be able to see her anymore. There would be no more nighttime talks together, or random bashing on dramas they don't watch, or even those small inside jokes recalled silently at the same time. A tear escaped her stern boundary of emotion.

"Wah, my Sulli has grown so much! I still remember when you were really small-- well, you were never small, but you know what I mean."

"Unnie! I was small when I was small, you know."

"I don't believe you."

"Then I'll make you believe me!"

Sulli bit her lip, looking up to the ceiling, trying to keep herself in check, but the memories wouldn't stop.

"I bet your favorite member in our group is me, Ssul."

"You bet wrong."

"What?! No way! But... but we love each other!"

A dramatic sigh. "Unnie, I'm sorry. I never told you, but... I love myself more than I love you!" A burst of laughter.

She shook her head, trying to clear her mind out that way, but it was futile. She couldn't help but find more small moments of them together everywhere she looked. Her sturdy wall of keeping things dry was falling, brick by brick, memory by memory. Sulli desperately wiped at her eyes.

"Wait! It's raining outside, unnie. Take an umbrella."

"Aww, Ddullie's so worried about me! How cute. Don't worry, I'm not going to be out for long."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am. Now, be a good girl, okay?"

"Look who's talking!"

"Why, you--!" Screams of laughter and pounding of footsteps.

"No, stop, Jinri, stop," she whispered to herself. Her cheeks were already thoroughly wet, and she was barely holding back her sobs. With another deep breath, she managed to keep the tears dry and returned to the living room-- but this was a mistake. The moment she entered, her entire wall came crashing down.

"Ddullie, Ddullie, Ddullie, Ddullie~"

"Are you singing a song about me?"

"Yup! Ddullie, Ddullie, Ddullie, Ddullie~"

"And you call yourself a singer?! Gross, unnie. Get away from me!"

"I guess I only have you, Jinri."

"You realized that only now?! Hehe, I'm kidding, unnie, kidding!"

"Good. If you weren't... you know what would've happened."

"Yup! Whatever it is, it would've been un-scary."

"Did you just say what I think you said?"

"How should I know? I can't read minds."

"Come here, Ssul. Let me teach you a lesson on how scary I can be!"

"That actor is the worst."

"As if you could do better."

"Excuse me?"

"You are most highly excused. Be thankful to Queen Sulli for excusing you, a mere peasant."

"You sure know how to enrage your unnies, don't you?"

"I wish I could do that."

"Your wish has been granted. I am actually your fairy godmother in disguise!"

"Oh really? Let's see if I can."

"...it is in progress right now. See, there are lots of godmothers and we all have to request to the godmother agency, so you'll have to wait a while. Maybe you can spend the time practicing that?"

"Riiiiight. I totally believe you, unnie."

"And you should."

Sulli inadvertently gasped due to lack of oxygen. The other members turned to see her on the ground, silently weeping her heavy heart out. They froze, disbelieving their eyes. Sulli was crying? Sulli, who'd never really let out more than a few drops? Her shoulders were wracking as she sobbed and sobbed, unable to open her eyes due to the steady stream.

Amber wiped away her tears and hurried to where Sulli had sunken. She enveloped her in a hug, knowing that finally, finally the girl was letting out the sadness inside of her. Patting Sulli on her back, she whispered with deep sorrow that she understood. One by one, the other members came up and made a group hug, all of them without a dry eye. How could there be, when a dear member had passed away? How could there be?

Sulli's deep sobs had reached into all of them, and they all were practicall wailing together, finding warmth and reassurance within each other. At least they were still alive. At least the other members were still here. At least Amber hadn't, Sulli hadn't, Krystal hadn't, and Luna hadn't died.

At least... at least...

Sulli wept. She wept for all their times, for all their moments, for all those days when she hadn't known to be thankful for their dear unnie's presence. They'd all known Victoria's presence was great-- but they hadn't known that she'd go so early. Nobody had known. Nobody. Nobody had known that... that...

"Unnie!" she screamed. She screamed it again and again and again, and they all knew which unnie she was screaming for, screaming at. Until her voice was cracking, until her tears got the better of her, until she couldn't do anything but cry again.

One day, they'd all have to move on. Life wouldn't stop just because Victoria's had. One day, they wouldn't be attacked with tears the moment someone said Victoria's name. One day, but it wasn't today.

Today, they grasped each other and cried. Today, they pound the floor and scream at the ceiling, wanting their motherlike sister back. Today, they let their pain out, and they find new gratefulness, new thankfulness, renewed love and bond with each other.

Today, they make it through.

Bad idea to start with a death fic, but whatever-- my muse was craving death fics. In fact, another one's in progress right now. Don't blame me-- blame the muse.