She feels nervous. Something about this morning feels odd. Very odd. She doesn’t have a good feeling from the very first moment she entered the classroom earlier. Most students turn to look at her intensely and they giggle in a very odd way, as if everyone knows her secret. Zoa doesn’t like it. And the more Jiwoo doesn’t show up to sit beside her the more nervous she gets. She drums her fingers nervously on the desk as she looks around her way too nervously. Just where in the heck is her friend and why is everyone aware of her crush on Jihan?

Just when Zoa thought she would die out of nervousness Jihan enters the classroom and everyone stares at her and then Zoa while they whistle playfully, seeming to know something more than Zoa is aware of. She doesn’t like this. Her stomach tightens so much that she feels sick, almost vomiting right there right then as her fingers clench onto the desk tightly, trying to somehow calm herself down. Jihan walks closer and closer to her and somehow the classroom looks just too big and too endless because it feels like she’s been walking forever. 

Zoa’s head is spinning. The whistles and cheers, the giggles and whispers and stares from all her classmates, Jihan’s slow walking towards her, with her thin legs walking in such a way, making her look somehow even more beautiful in Zoa’s eyes, like a supermodel having a catwalk. Zoa feels so nervous that she’s sure she feels dizzy at this point too. 

Jihan stops by her desk, her hands resting on it as she leans down, closer to Zoa’s face, staring at her deeply. Zoa gulps hard. That stare is long, and deep, making Zoa’s stomach tighten as she just feels too weak, vulnerable and fragile by just a simple stare. A stare that Jihan has never given Zoa before. It’s strong, and intimidating, making Zoa somehow feel like she’s falling off from her chair. She holds onto the desk tightly, but it’s no use as her chair somehow gets slippery and she feels her slipping off of the chair. As she’s about to fall off the chair Jihan leans closer to her, her right hand cupping Zoa’s jaw, bringing the girl closer. She smirks. A playful confident smirk Jihan has never given Zoa before. It feels like she owns Zoa, it feels like she knows Zoa’s weakness, it feels like she’s doing it on purpose. Zoa’s stomach tightens so much and she’s sure she’s falling off the chair now. 

The last thing she hears is Jihan’s soft giggle and then she falls as she meets darkness. 

And then light. 

Light, and a sudden loud thud that makes her whole body ache in pain. 

She surely has fallen. But not from a chair, but from her bed instead. She blinks hard as her blurred surroundings start to clear up and she recognizes her dorm room. Her hearing clears up too and she quickly spots Soojin right next to her, trying to see if she’s alright. 

“Zoa? Zoa are you alright?” She asks, worriedly. Zoa sits up, trying to unwrap herself from her messy covers that have fallen along with her from the bed as she touches the right side of her face, groaning in pain. 

“I fell?” She says, sounding unsure. Soojin slowly nods her head before she leans closer, looking at her friend worriedly, trying to see if she’s alright. 

“You haven’t broken anything, right?” She asks the younger one who shakes her head. 

“No, I think I’m fine. My head is aching but it will be alright soon.” Zoa mumbles and Soojin slowly nods her head before she mentions something about getting the girl an ice pack. She disappears for a little while before she comes back and places the ice pack on Zoa’s right side of her head. Zoa yelps a little but holds the pack on the side of her face, knowing that only this way the pain would fade away faster. Her eyes keep staring at the floor as she tries recalling her dream, trying to understand what it meant but she comes up with nothing. The only thing that she knows is that she’s burning up and her stomach and heart haven’t stopped fluttering. 

“Are you having a fever?” Soojin decides to ask as she touches Zoa’s forehead and gasps by how warm the girl is. Zoa slowly shakes her head. 

“You’re very warm though, and your cheeks are red. Are you sure you’re alright?” Soojin asks and Zoa sighs heavily. 

“Actually… unnie…” She mumbles slowly. SHe just apologized to Soojin the night before so they didn’t really had the time to talk much. It’s not like Zoa hasn’t fought with her unnies before. She surely had. But it has never gotten to the point of not talking to them for a week. This time it was serious, this time it was different and it has scared Soojin out of her mind. They will always be friends though and Zoa really badly wants to talk to Soojin no matter how odd they still are from everything having happened throughout the past week. 

“I dreamt of Jihan.” Zoa lets out weakly, her cheeks seeming to only get more and more red and burn up as seconds pass by. Zoa sighs heavily as she closes her eyes and rests her back at the side of her bed. Jihan’s image from her dream flashes in her mind and Zoa’s eyes snap back open as the same fluttering and warmth spreads all over her chest and stomach. 

“Oh!” Soojin lets out, before silence fills the air once again. Soojin isn’t sure of what to tell Zoa now because she doesn’t want to make the girl mad again. So she simply waits for Zoa to continue who only sighs frustratedly at the end and buries her blushing madly by now face between her knees. 

“It makes me feel so uneasy.” She mumbles weakly and Soojin can only caress her back. She’s not sure how to comfort Zoa about this since everyone is dealing with their feelings differently and apparently the last time she’s tried to help it didn’t turn out that well… 

“Feelings are hard to deal with, I know. But how about you try talking about it? Or maybe we can hang out, get some coffee in order for you to calm down?” Soojin tries to suggest but Zoa keeps shaking her head. 

“Maybe you can hang out with Jihan-?” Soojin tries to suggest but Zoa’s head immediately shots up and she turns to look at Soojin with wide eyes, filled with terror before she shakes her head immediately. 

“I especially can’t see her today!” Zoa exclaims and hides her head again, her cheeks warming up even more as her heart starts beating faster than usual, Jihan’s image from her dream showing up on the forefront of her head once again. She just can’t see Jihan today. Not when she’s feeling like such a mess like how she’s feeling right now. 

“Ok ok. You won’t see her today. How about we meet up with the girls? Monday and Soeun really missed you too.” Soojin tries to suggest again and Zoa can only sigh heavily. 

“I really want to see them too. And apologize to them. But maybe later. Right now I think I want to stay in bed.” Zoa says before she takes her blankets and crawls back on her bed, hiding underneath her blankets. Soojin sighs, but she surely understands her. 

“Fine. Rest for now. But you shouldn't stay in bed all day. You have classes in the afternoon.” 

“Don’t remind me!” Zoa groans, her grumbling sounding muffled from beneath the blankets. Soojin can only smile sympathetically, feeling like she’s facing teenage Zoa all over again. 

“I’m gonna go pick up breakfast for the both of us, ok?” And with that she leaves Zoa alone in the room, who can only groan upon ending up thinking over and over again the Jihan from her dreams and blushing madly at that. 

[...]

After having apologized to her unnies and having calmed down a lot more that morning, Zoa has decides to meet up with Jiwoo to thank her once again for helping her out but also to hang out with her. Her friend has texted her that she would be by the dance practice room so Zoa has headed there to find Jiwoo. 

She knocks on the door before she slowly enters it. Monday and Soeun immediately smile upon seeing her and come to greet her even if that means basically interrupting their practice. They give her long and tight hugs as a welcoming to which Zoa giggles softly as she hugs them back. 

“How come you’re here? Did you finally change your mind and want to join our team?” Soeun asks her and Zoa shakes her head with a soft giggle. 

“I’m sorry. I just came to pick up Jiwoo. Though I think you guys are in the middle of practicing so I’ll just wait by the bench.” She announces. 

“It’s fine. We were just about to finish our practice for today.” Jiwoo says as she walks up to them and greets Zoa with one of their own unique handshakes. 

“Hey cypress. Looking gorgeous as always. Who are you trying to impress huh?” Jiwoo teases her before her eyes land back on a specific girl sitting by the bench. And that’s when Zoa realizes Jihan is already there, sitting by the bench. She frowns, not really understanding why Jihan would come to the dance practice room. She tries hard to suppress her blushing, fluttering and enthusiasm from her dream earlier that morning and try to focus on her friends instead as she really doesn’t want to start panicking and become a blushing mess right now, in front of everyone and in front of Jihan too. That would be too embarrassing. 

“No one.” Zoa replies shortly, her eyes never leaving Jihan’s figure though before she frowns even more upon seeing Jihan smiling brightly to another girl who approaches her. She remembers that girl as Nana, the leader of the dance club. 

“Hey! Practice is over. Wanna go grab some coffee? It's pretty cold outside.” Zoa hears Nana saying to Jihan. Nana forms a cheeky smile, one of her charming points as many people would say as she extends her hand for Jihan to take. Jihan smiles back at her as she accepts the girl's hand, holds it in hers and stands up along with Nana’s help. 

Nana’s aura, Nana’s tone in her voice, her words, her smile and now her hand. These all are too much for Zoa to take. The girl has such a strong flirty aura, one that makes Zoa's stomach tighten and her blood to boil somehow. She doesn't like what's happening. She doesn't like how blinding Nana’s charms are but most importantly she doesn't like how Jihan holds Nana’s hand too. Zoa thought she was the only one. How much of a fool she's been… 

She clenches her first. She doesn't like what she's seeing and she surely can't explain what she's feeling about this. All that she knows is that she can't handle watching this. It makes her heart ache and… and she just wants to get out of there immediately. 

“I'll wait for you outside.” She says to Jiwoo in a rush, never meeting her friend’s eyes as her own eyes are locked on Jihan and Nana, disliking to see them smiling and talking casually at each other. 

She turns around and leaves the dance practice room immediately without turning to look back. 

[...]

Jiwoo giggles as the two crash into her bedroom. She can't stop laughing as she observes Zoa's annoyed expressions. She never thought before she would ever be able to witness Zoa getting… well, jealous, isn't it obvious? She finds it really amusing and funny. But especially amusing because she thought her best friend is way too nice to ever feel jealous of anyone and anything around her. Guess she was wrong. 

“What do you think of our captain, Zo? Isn't she amazing? She's so good at teaching us dancing, and she's so good at dancing too. And she surely is a charmer!” She decides to tease Zoa who scoffs, crosses her arms to her chest and grumbles,

“If she's so charming why aren't you dating her then?” Jiwoo laughs hard. 

“It's funny.”

“What is?”

“You are.”

“I'm not! And stop making fun of me already!”

“You're just so adorable even when you're jealous!” Jiwoo lets out a squeal before she pinches Zoa's cheeks. The girls groans, pushes Jiwoo's hands away before she scoffs.

“I'm not jealous.”

“Of course you are! It's so obvious!”

“I'm not!” 

“I see a little green monster on your right shoulder~”

“What?” Zoa asks and turns to look at her shoulder and Jiwoo laughs hard. 

“Stop it! I'm not jealous!”

“Then what is it?” Zoa pouts sadly. 

“I just thought I was the only one she held hands with. But here she goes, smiling all brightly to Nana sunbaenim, and holding her hand too.” Jiwoo giggles softly. 

“Maybe she's just being friendly.” Zoa pouts even more. 

“Then she's friendly with me too, right?” Jiwoo shrugs her shoulders. 

“Honestly? I don't know. But if you want to know you should ask her, you know.” Zoa's eyes widen upon thinking of confessing to Jihan or asking her anything of the sort as she immediately shakes her head. 

“No! No never!”

“Why not? What are you so afraid of? That your friendship will be over? I'm sure it won't be sure Jihan unnie is an amazing person and she wouldn't leave you just because of this.” Zoa pouts even more as she lowers her head sadly, looking at her hands. She's not sure of what she's so afraid of, herself honestly. No matter how everyone tells her Jihan won't leave her side, it still seems so terrifying to tell her or overall discuss this with her. Maybe she should stick to how things are now. After all, she likes just simply hanging out with Jihan. That's more than enough, for now, right?

It has to be… 

“Let's focus back on studying. Exams are around the corner.” She says instead and both of them focus back on trying to study together. 

======================================================

Zoa has been studying at the library more often than she would think she would and surely more than she would like to admit to herself. She's not doing it on purpose though. It started off as trying to find some peace and source of more books to help her study better as well as leave Soojin alone to focus more and take some fresh air herself. Then it slowly turned out as meet ups with Jihan because the girl happened to stop by once to borrow some books and soon realized by the second time she passed by to return them that Zoa is indeed hanging out in there by herself. She hasn't even changed spot. She's been sitting in the exact same spot Jihan has first found her, at a desk by herself between lots of bookshelves at the back of the library, next to the windows and the heater. 

These meetups have turned out to hang outs and slowly without Zoa having realized this she’s been texting and hanging out with Jihan all over again. If the girl has noticed how she’s avoided her that one eventful week after their Christmas holidays, she’s never said a single thing about it, to which Zoa has been glad about. After all, no matter how she’s made the realization that she likes Jihan and maybe girls too and indeed her life has changed ever since, things between her and Jihan has remained the same to which she’s more than glad about. She likes how comfortable they are, how much fun they have and how close they are and that’s that. She doesn’t want it to change and for now she likes all the warmth and enthusiasm in her chest. It’s more than enough. As long as she’s happy and not hurting it’s enough. She doesn’t want anything more and she’s not even sure what more could she ask for anyway. 

So this is how this one hangout ⏤their sixth one⏤ is going on so far. With light giggles and casual conversations but mostly focusing on studying as exams are getting closer and closer. Until… Zoa’s eyes land on Jihan’s phone that its screen lights up again with a new incoming message ⏤the eight one throughout this afternoon⏤ coming from Nana. She sighs a little as she observes the scene unfolding in front of her very own eyes, repeating itself like how it has done for the previous seven messages so far. Jihan’s eyes light up, she mumbles a low apology to Zoa before she holds the phone in her hands, her fingers quickly typing down a reply. Her lips are curved up in a happy, bright smile and Zoa can’t help but wonder once again just how Jihan reacts whenever she’s the one texting her and not Nana. 

From what she’s gotten to know from Jiwoo ⏤she’s usually talking to Jiwoo about her love problem because she believes her unnies will make fun of her instead of help her out⏤ Jihan and Nana have gotten closer recently because Jihan has asked for some extra tutoring classes related to her English class from Nana who has gladly helped her out. 

“Unnie?” She mumbles slowly and Jihan apologizes once again for texting. She quickly sets down the phone next to her notebooks before she raises her head to face Zoa, focusing only to her now which doesn’t fail to make Zoa’s heart flutter but she surely is still bothered that Jihan is getting so close to Nana. 

“You and Nana sunbaenim are close enough.” She points out, trying to sound as bright and friendly as possible which catches her a little off guard. She would never force herself to say something before so this is new. It’s scary but then again, she’s already analyzed that this is jealousy and she’s feeling like this because she likes Jihan so it’s not as scary anymore. She just never expected before that she would discover and go through so many different and new things and find out so many different sides of herself just because she likes somebody… 

“Yeah. We are. She’s really nice and helped me out a lot. I believe I might pass my English class and if that happens that will be only because of her.” Zoa slowly nods her head, forming a small smile, trying to look casual but it surely affects her hearing Jihan talking about another girl and praising her this much in front of her. 

“If you pass the english class it will be because you didn’t give up and studied hard as well, unnie.” She tries to say to which Jihan doesn’t disagree to. Zoa sighs again. 

“Jiwoo believes Nana sunbaenim is a girl crush type of person.” She states as she fixes her eyes on her books, trying not to get nervous as she feels Jihan’s eyes on her. It’s the first time she’s actually starting such a conversation with Jihan because overall before her talk with her unnies it has never crossed her mind to talk about crushes, flings, relationships and so on. 

“She thinks so?” Jihan says slowly, furrowing her eyebrows as she looks at the ceiling for a few seconds, seeming deep in her thoughts as if she’s never thought of it before she slowly nods her head as she looks back at Zoa. 

“Yeah. Now that I think about it she’s really charming and attractive. It’s easy to fall for her. I don’t blame all the girls and boys she has running behind her.” 

“Do you think you like her too? I mean… I wouldn’t blame you if you would. She’s charming as you said and…” Jihan laughs softly, which makes Zoa’s nervous rumbling get cut off. She looks at Jihan nervously who simply smiles and shakes her head. 

“I don’t like her like that.” She states simply before she giggles a little. Zoa slowly nods her head before she looks back at her books. Silence fills them for a few seconds before Zoa speaks up again. 

“Unnie?” 

“Yes Zoa?” Jihan replies softly, smiling warmly at the younger girl as she looks at her deep in her eyes which makes Zoa’s heart beat twice its normal speed and the girl gets all nervous again. It surely isn’t the hard stare the Jihan from her dreams was giving her as this one is filled with care and it’s so gentle but Zoa adores this stare way much more, so much that it makes her warm up too much and her heart to swell from too much love for the older girl. 

“Were you ever in a relationship? Or did you ever have a crush?” Jihan chuckles. 

“I didn’t expect this kind of question on such a random and stressful afternoon to be honest. I’m a little caught off guard.” She admits. Zoa lowers her head and is about to apologize but Jihan is faster to reply. 

“No. To both. I never had a crush or a relationship. I never even had a flirt. Or a first kiss.” Jihan says and smiles softly. Zoa smiles shyly at that before she slowly raises her head to look back at Jihan. 

“Not even a first kiss?” She asks slowly and Jihan shakes her head. 

“Nope. And that’s mostly because I always wanted my first kiss to be from someone I love and not just a random drunk kiss at a disgusting high school party.” Zoa nods her head vigorously at that, totally agreeing with her as she also believed the same thing. 

“Do you have any other questions about my love life?” Jihan asks and giggles lightly as Zoa shakes her head, smiling shyly. 

“Good. Because we both need to focus back on studying. Exams are in like… four days.” Zoa groans at that. 

“Don’t remind me. I’m already freaking out of my mind.” Jihan leans closer, her hands holding onto Zoa’s to which Zoa immediately lands her eyes back on Jihan’s. 

“Hey. Don’t stress out too much. It’s going to be fine and you’re going to do well if you keep studying, ok?” Zoa slowly hums in response before they both return their attention back to studying for a while. They never separate their holding hands though to which Zoa is glad about as she really loves holding Jihan’s hand. 

“Aish. I think I need a book. Be right back.” Jihan announces at some point as she stands up from her seat and disappears behind a few shelves behind their table, at the way back of the library. It takes her a while to return back and when she does she’s empty handed and has a huge, adorable pout on her lips. 

“I hate to say this because you must have been hearing things about your height and having done way too many favors on shorter people in your life but… I really need you to get me a book.” Jihan announces and Zoa giggles softly as she stands up from her seat with a huge smile on her lips. 

“It’s fine. It’s no problem.” Zoa says and she means it because she doesn’t mind doing Jihan a favor and soon the two reach a shelf at the very back of the library. Jihan points at the book with a pout and Zoa giggles once again before she takes a step closer to the shelf. She suddenly realizes that this shelf is way further away from any other in the library and surely it’s so far away that no one can hear them or see them, to which she’s not sure how to feel about. She positions herself steadily in front of the shelf and the exact spot she has to stand in order to get the book as Jihan stands in front of her, waiting for her to get it. She extends her hands upwards and takes the book from its spot at the top of the shelf with ease. She brings it down and in between their chest as she smiles proudly at her simple and easy task as well as for helping Jihan out but once her eyes land on JIhan she realizes something is different about their close proximity this time. 

She’s not sure if it’s because she’s aware that she likes Jihan but the two haven’t been this close ever since she’s realized about her feelings so this is new. Jihan’s dark brown warm shining eyes stare at Zoa’s eyes deeply as her lips are parted. Zoa gulps hard as she suddenly thinks Jihan is way too pretty from up this close. So pretty that she could literally stare at her all day. Now she gets Soojin’s words from their conversation that eventful week. Oh she could definitely stare at Jihan all day. And that, because she’s badly into her. 

Jihan clears shyly before she jokes lightly,

“Are you planning to steal my first kiss now? In this dusty library?” Zoa blinks hard as she feels her cheeks warming up. She parts her lips but no coherent words come out of her lips and when her brain finally starts working and she believes she has a good enough reply, Jihan has already taken the book from Zoa’s hands, has thanked her and has started walking back to their table. The magical moment is gone, time is now moving back to its normal speed and along with it both the rest of Zoa’s surroundings and sounds have returned too, making her still feel a little dizzy and out of it. 

Just what has happened back there? 

She tries to get back on studying but she’s not able to fully focus ever since that incident because all she can think of is Jihan, her shining beautiful dark brown eyes and glossy lips and smooth skin that looked so light and soft underneath the sunbeams of the sun coming through the windows. She’s not sure why her brain is stuck there but she badly wants to stop thinking about it and focus back on studying. But instead of that, all she’s doing is biting on her pen nonstop, thinking about it over and over. She can’t get over it because she only wanted to spend the rest of her time staring at Jihan. So much that…

That what exactly? What would she do after that? 

She’s not sure because she hasn’t really thought about it. She shakes her head and tries once again to push those thoughts away. She badly needs to focus on studying or else she’s screwed.

======================================================

She's drained. She’s been studying nonstop this past few week, having decided that studying back in her dorm room is less distracting than the library. Exams have been going on pretty fastly and stressfully and since it’s her very first time having college exams she’s stressed out of her mind and has been studying way too hard for it. 

She hasn’t been meeting up with her friends as much and has been more than glad that Yunho has been very understanding and has canceled all practices during the weeks of the exams. She hasn’t been talking much to her unnies about her stress either and although they’ve promised to be by her side and she was aware that they were, she still couldn’t exactly talk to them, open up or relax a little. She’s been only studying and studying and studying nonstop, day and night, sleeping less and less sometimes. 

It’s been the craziest and most stressful period of her life and once it’s over she’s not sure what to think of it or what to feel about it. She’s pretty sure that she’s lost a part of herself throughout that period and suddenly she feels like she’s grown up way too abruptly. She feels less lighter or cheerful and she’s indeed sure that she lost a part of those because of her anxiety. And she badly wishes she could somehow get those back, but she knows she can’t. 

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