Of all the things Jihyo has done, this must be the most rebellious one. 

 

She has always regarded herself as an obedient person with a little bit of defiance — not a pushover but not the type to rock the boat either. 

 

Perhaps, Jihyo was never really given a choice, to begin with. From as far as she could possibly remember, being an idol is all she did which generally equates to obedience; following her mother's decision to do countless auditions, following orders while training, and obeying instructions and company rules while being bound by a contract. 

 

To add to all that, doing cheesy, crazy, and sometimes creepy things fans ask her to do and Jihyo  obliges  because puppets do what puppeteers command them to, no matter how hard she tugs on the strings of power. She is the lamb in her story. There is nothing more to it than that. Her childhood died screaming in aguish across the depths of show business as she was baptized into idolatrousness, all for the amusement of a faceless crowd.

 

Jihyo supposes that being bathed in glitz and glamour could change the perception of people towards you. After all, you are no longer seen as human but as an object. When she checked the meaning of the word "idol" the first two will say: 

1. An object of extreme devotion
2. A representation or symbol of an object of worship

There is nothing inside the dictionary that relates to ever being  humanlike  to describe the word "idol". Most of the descriptions are closely related to being a false conception. 

 

A fallacy. A lie. 

 

Jihyo agrees in that regard since the camera only ever captures the good parts because they are  conditioned  to show only the good parts when there is a spotlight pointing at them.

 

But what comes next? What goes on once the spotlights are off? She sold her soul to compensate for stardom and yet people... these people say she's indebted to them. How much more does she have to pay?

 

Perhaps, Jihyo is a little pessimistic about this. She gave up most of her life to be able to stand at the center of the massive arena with thousands of people chanting her name. This is her purpose, right? This is her dream, right?

 

Was it really  her  dream? 

(Is this all there could ever be?)

 

A text message pulls her out of her reverie:

"I hope you know that this will change the trajectory of everything but I won't stop you."  

Another one came in just 2 seconds after:

"When you come back, we will proceed accordingly."

 

Jihyo clicked her tongue looking around to check her surroundings. The train is buzzing with tourists — families, friends, and lovers alike. Every winter brings forth people to the town especially now that the pandemic restrictions are lenient and accommodating. 

 

As some of the children merrily run around the aisle, Jihyo sinks a little further down to her seat, covering most of her face with a large puffy mint green scarf. She hugs her coat a little tighter to her body and rested her head on the window before sighing heavily, creating a fog right in front of her face. Jihyo freezes as she's struck with the memory of faint giggles that melts into a peal of melodic laughter. The remembrance of a warm hand clasped to hers, hidden inside the right pocket of her oversized blue jacket vividly returns to her.

 

"Jihyo, I'm so tired! Let's go seat by a cafe, yeah?"

 

"Already? We have just been out for 30 minutes!" 

 

"Not my fault that you have ridiculously good stamina." 

 

Jihyo could still clearly remember how many steps it took for them to reach the cafe. 21 steps and 1 hop to be exact. 

 

"Wait." 

 

She remembers the sudden tug on her hand as she was led in front of the huge window outside the coffee shop. She watched the girl beside her take a deep breath before blowing gently on the window causing a fog to cover up a spot. Despite being an almost decade-old memory, Jihyo could still feel the giddiness reverberating through her veins as if she was still that doe-eyed teenager.

 

She shakes her head before drawing a unicorn on the train's fogged-up window — trying her best to copy how the girl from 10 years ago did it. Such a bittersweet memory yet she wishes she could keep it for as long as possible, to cling to it — her youth. 

 

Her first love. 

---

8 years ago. 

 

"You're the appointed leader, you have to do better than this." Mr. Choi, their creative director, sternly tells her. 

 

It was another night of evaluation to make sure they are ready enough to finally debut. The girls thought that after going through Sixteen that they would finally be making their appearance as a legitimate girl group but apparently, they don't have enough chemistry  yet  as a group and their synchronicity isn't blending as per standards. Of course, they would be blaming the leader. 

 

Jihyo bows rigidly. "Yes, sir. I understand. I'll talk to them."

 

Mr. Choi sighed heavily and approached her. His aftershave hits her nostrils as the old man pats her left shoulder, "You have to step up. The group can only work if you are ready to lead. They voted for  you , they see you as a mature and reliable person. Don't disappoint them."

 

'Mature and reliable person'

 

Yet there is nothing more her body wants to do than throw a tantrum and possibly cry. Cause after careful calculations and ruminations, Jihyo, is just a kid after all. The sole responsibility of handling 9 lives. Essentially becoming a parent to eight people is too much — too harsh — for a kid. But this is her reality now, she just needed to accept it as it is and play the role that was given to her. 

 

"Yes, sir. I'm very sorry. I promise I'll handle them." Jihyo bows again at a 90-degree angle, never lifting her eyes away from the ground. 

 

"Good. Practice today, I want a perfect performance tomorrow at 8 am sharp."

 

"But— but sir it's already past midnight..."

 

"I don't want to hear your excuses. You're the leader Jihyo! How many times do I have to repeat this?!"

 

With that, the man left the meeting room, slamming the door behind him — leaving her to fend for herself. For a minute, Jihyo just stands there with eyes unseeing and her hands trembling. She will have to tell the members that it will be another sleepless night like any other Friday where the school kids will be able to stay up until the wee hours of the morning without any legal repercussions to the company. 

 

Truth be told, Jihyo doesn't want to face her group. She simply wants to melt into a puddle of goo just to avoid a confrontation. Day by day, she questions what the 5 people who voted for her were thinking. Jeongyeon is the best bet to be able to handle this kind of pressure whilst taking care of each member's well-being without so much of a hassle. 

 

Not Jihyo. Definitely not her. 

 

She couldn't even ask for another fork when she accidentally let hers fall on a restaurant once. Nayeon did it for her. And there was a time when her phone charger needed to be fixed but Jihyo just stood there at the entrance of the shop trying to conjure the courage to speak to the technician until Nayeon saw her and was the one to explain to the guy the issue with her charger. How could a timid girl like her ever be an effective leader?

 

Jeongyeon or  at least  Nayeon are far better options for the role. Certainly not her. 

 

Jihyo sighs heavily. She walks slowly out of the meeting room and into their dance studio to deliver the unfortunate news. The door clicks and silence envelopes the room. She raises her head to scan the room stopping at Tzuyu's eyes before she swallows down a sob. 

 

(Such a beautiful face but empty eyes. So innocent. So young.)

 

"I'm sorry but we have to practice still. They want a perfect performance tomorrow at 8 am." She looks down as the pendulum drops — a chorus of groans and frustrations decorated the air.

 

"Hey! Pipe it down. It's not her fault you know!" Nayeon stands up to face her, "And why are you apologizing? We all wanted this. We all want to debut, it's only fitting to work hard for what we want. So get your asses up and maybe synchronize so we can beat the out of this choreography."

 

Jeongyeon claps 3 times, "Right. The faster we master this one, the sooner we could go home."

 

One by one, the others begrudgingly make their way to their designated positions. Jihyo watches them for a moment before standing at the center, "I know it's hard. We're almost there, okay?" 

 

They practice for another 2 hours — trying to perfectly synchronize with each other but no matter how on the beat and the same their movements are, something still feels off. She chucks it down as their exhaustion got the better of them. 

 

(What else could it be?)

 

The clock in their dorm's living room strikes at 3:28 am. Jihyo is sitting on the floor, in front of the casement windows — looking out at the tall buildings that surround their apartment. Insomnia isn't anything new to her. She always had them even when she was still in middle school. Her mind just won't stop racing over every thought she could possibly make — gnawing at every scenario she could imagine. It just won't quiet down even if her body is dead from exhaustion.

 

"Not much of a luxury view, huh?" 

 

"True," Jihyo smiles, "but something about it relaxes me." She looked over her shoulder as Nayeon sits down beside her, head resting on her right shoulder.

 

"I'm too tired to sleep~" 

 

"That doesn't make any sense." Jihyo giggles.

 

Nayeon sighs as she clings tightly to her right arm. "Mmm. I love that."

 

"What? That it doesn't make sense?"

 

"No, hearing you giggle. I love it. It's adorable, do it more often, will you?" Nayeon removed her head from Jihyo's shoulder and turned around before scooting backward until she can rest her head at the window. 

 

Adjacent to her unnie like this, Jihyo could pretend to be an artist and appreciate the beauty of how the moonlight illuminates Nayeon's charming face — a stolen moment in time where she could simply bask in the other girl's presence. Only when the world is asleep could she ever allow herself to behold Nayeon with an element of desire and so she let her eyes sweep the other girl's figure — appreciating how her rosy lips could sometimes project innocence or pure smugness. 

 

"It reminds me that I'm still alive," Nayeon closes her eyes with a small smile on her face "It... it makes my heart skip a beat."

 

Jihyo's breathe hitched, her cheeks warming up. She brings her knees to close to her chest before wrapping her left arm around it. Her right hand finds Nayeon's foot just beside hers, covered in a blue sock. She gently prodded, tracing the cotton.

 

"You really shouldn't say things like that," Jihyo whispered. 

 

"Why not? It's the truth. Why can't I say it?"

"Unnie—"

"Let's go eat!" Nayeon suddenly stands up. 

"What?"

Nayeon stretches her limbs. "Let's go out and eat by the river! There's a ramen shop there right?"

"It's the wee hours of the morning!" She whispered yell.

"So what? It's perfect that way. The world is ours."

Jihyo shakes her head. "We'll be in trouble..."

"I'll tell them I kidnapped you," Nayeon smirks down at her. 

 

There it is. Taunting and mocking. As if she knows that Jihyo couldn't ever resist her. Perhaps, Nayeon does know and maybe it's the reason why she finds the older girl troublesome in the first place. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, Jihyo takes Nayeon's outstretched hand and lets herself be led out — deeper into the privy intimacy they play at. 

 

She took her to the ramen shop by the river, the same one they always eat at with Jeongyeon. The place is relatively quiet except for some drunk people slurring their words. She looks around a little bit, wondering if there are people like them in the restaurant — people who live in secret. Jihyo guesses that there is about 10% chance that somebody in her direct vicinity shares a secret she could never say out loud. But by making that guess, she supposes that someone could be thinking the same thing about her which wouldn't be convenient if wants to become an idol. So she tries her best to focus on Nayeon instead, watching her slurp down the noodles. 

 

"Gosh, eating this ramen already tastes like victory and rebellion." 

 

"Slow down you bad girl. I don't want people to think I'm corrupting the leader."

 

"You kind of are..."

 

"Because you kind of want to."

 

"Maybe I just trust you."

 

"Do you really?"

 

"With my life, apparently." 

 

"But not with your heart, am I right?"

 

That was the entirety of their conversation give a few 20 seconds between each sentence. Jihyo has been given a chance to tip over the edge or stay still at the precipice while Nayeon stands there patiently waiting for her to make a decision. The prospect, however, is daunting and Jihyo is a known coward. 

 

Nayeon exhales, putting her spoon down, "At some point, you will have to address this, honey."

 

"I know... I'm sorry... not now okay? Let's just focus on debuting first. That's our priority now, okay?" She closes her eyes to avoid seeing the disappointed look on the older girl's face. Breaking Nayeon's heart is breaking hers as well. 

 

"Okay."

 

Little did she know, their days were numbered and the walls are closing-in far more quickly than she could ever anticipate.