Tell me about the dream where we pull the bodies out of the lake

                                                                  and dress them in warm clothes again.

–

Sometimes, just sometimes, in the dark privacy of her own thoughts, when she’s feeling extremely low, Byul will think to herself that she actually hates the whole sun and moon shtick that she and Yong have based their public dynamic on. It was a self fulfilling prophecy of the worst kind, because the sun and the moon are always apart, and when they’re together, it’s always fleeting. 

After she thinks it, she hates herself even more. Because she knows Yong loves their little duo concept that they came up with when they were just barely out of their teens and hating something Yong loves feels like digging a knife into her own ribcage. So she loops herself into an endless feedback of misery because it’s all she knows how to do.

--

“Unnie, you agreed to this?”

Byul holds her phone up to Yong’s face and waits for the other girl’s reply. Yong doesn’t even miss a beat. “I did.”

They’re both at the agency, finishing up a gruelling three hour vocal rehearsal session. Well. Yong had. As always, Byul had elected to stay and wait for her after everyone else had left. The anniversary comeback was a ballad this time around. She remembers receiving the demo in her email and the familiar crestfallen feeling that came with it at realizing she would be spending the majority of this song silent. It was a familiar ache, one she had learned to relegate to the background way back in the group’s earlier days. 

Which is why she has the time to go over some work emails while Yong spends a few extra hours with their vocal coach for when she has to belt out the big note at the start of the chorus. That’s when she sees the guesting proposal. 

It’s not that Byul doesn’t want to take the guest spot on this new show where Idols get to bring their pets to some form of bed and breakfast. If anything, she’s been itching for a chance to spend some time with Janggu, especially since he’s the newest of her dogs. But something about finding out about it after the fact rubs her in the wrong way. “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

“I don’t know why you’re mad,” Yong says calmly, nudging Byul’s phone away so she can go over to her bag and start packing her things. By force of habit, Byul starts helping her, handing Yong her phone, her wallet and paper after paper of song notes and music sheets. 

“I thought you wanted an excuse to spend more time with Janggu. This would be perfect. Plus I’ll be there with Yongkey.” Yong takes a break to stretch out a kink in her neck, the dark circles under her eyes are growing more prominent by the day. She began the diet for her magazine shoot a few days ago, and Byul knows for a fact that the other girl had been having a difficult time sleeping because of it. Going to bed hungry had always been a sure fire way to mess up the Yong’s sleep schedule. 

“It’s not--I don’t--” She breathes hard through her nose, trying to find the words to explain why she’s frustrated. The truth is she doesn’t quite understand herself. For the last few weeks it feels as if something has been festering inside of her, and she can’t quite put a name to it. A new dark thing that’s threatening to eat her up from the inside until she can’t recognize who she is anymore. 

She hates it. She’s afraid of it.

But it’s also already there so she might as well work through it. “I just wish you had told me before you agreed with our manager behind my back.”

Yong looks at her for a long while, and there’s something in her eyes that Byul doesn’t quite catch before it gets shuttered away. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” The sincerity in Yong’s voice rings true. “Next time I’ll talk to you first, okay?”

She nods, and tries for a smile, but it doesn’t come. Yong turns back to her bag and zips it closed with a snappiness that betrays some of her own frustration.

The walk to Byul’s car is spent in silence. Unlike their usual companionable moments, there is something unsure here. Something unsaid that’s hanging precariously in the air between them. It stays all the way on the drive to Yong’s place, distracting her so much that she almost drives past the building entirely.

“Byul-ah!”

She hits the brakes hard and they both jolt in their seats. She grips the steering wheel a little tighter. “Sorry, I must be more tired than I thought.”

Yong nods. The beat of silence that follows is uncomfortable too. On a normal day, they both know that Yong would invite her inside and let her stay the night. Byul would curl up beside her and ignore the unwelcome feelings, tuck them away in the corner of her mind she reserves specially for thoughts she doesn’t care to look too closely at.

Yong doesn’t ask her to spend the night, and Byul doesn’t invite herself in either. 

Instead, she watches Yong leave her car, walk to her building, and disappear from sight. She stays parked in front of Yong’s building a little while longer. There's a dark thought that forms in her mind, just the whisper of a thought, and it sinks forebodingly down, down, down until it becomes a cold and heavy weight in her chest, settling as a bitter ache in her heart as she drives away.

--

The next week they’re both a little better. That dark feeling from before is at the very back of her mind because right now, she’s caught up in the flurry of their two-day music video shoot. 

When they arrive on location, the car drops them off at the hotel they’ll be staying at overnight, and even though Byul knows it’s only so they can drop off their bags, the first thing she does when she gets to hers and Yong’s room is to collapse on the bed with a sigh that comes from the very core of her.

“You better not fall asleep,” Yong says, dumping her bags near the next available bed and then going to check their en suite bathroom.

“It’ll take everyone at least twenty minutes to get settled before we have to be in hair and makeup,” she argues back, even as she forces herself to sit up. “I could take a ten minute power nap in that time.”

“Yeah but you won’t,” Yong says, knowingly. She pokes her head out of the bathroom and gives Byul a little smile. 

Byul smiles back and reaches out a hand, “Come here.”

Yong walks over, settles herself in the space between Byul’s legs. They’re quiet for a while, just the two of them and Byul kind of wishes she could live in this moment instead of going outside to film a music video in the cold. 

Then the moment shatters, “I was thinking.” Yong says, and she’s a little bit hesitant.

“Never a good sign,” Byul teases back, if only to hide her own nerves.

“You should guest on ‘Boss in the Mirror’ with me again. The producers talked to me about it, said it would be a good idea if you were there as my best friend.”

She can’t quite understand why the smile is slowly fading from her face. Only that, when she looks at Yong, there are bags under her eyes from sleepless nights due to hunger and there’s a tremble in her fingers that Byul can feel from where her hands are on her shoulders because Yong is working herself to the bone for this show and this magazine shoot. Byul is angry and helpless for her and now Yong wants her to guest on that same show and smile and pretend that what they’re doing to her is okay. 

So. Byul brings the smile back, mischievous this time. “You mean they need someone to actually show you how to exercise,” Byul teases.

Yong glares back but there’s no real heat there. What there is, however, is relief, and Byul wonders if anyone other than her can see this. She wonders if anyone else in the world can  see the tells in Yong’s expressions. How the small furrows in her brow speak volumes more than her shrieking laughter ever could. Which is why she looks Yong in the eye and asks--

“How do you feel about me being there, Unnie?” she’s not quite sure what she wants the answer to be.

Yong shrugs, her face is a mask. “It’s not really up to me is it? Besides, we make good TV together.”

The mood is different now. A little emptier. Reality pulls Byul back to the present, kicking and screaming. 

“You wanted to be part of planning these things, right?” Yong continues saying. And, yeah. She did say that, didn't she? Except now there’s a sickening feeling growing in her chest and she’s not sure she can shake it off in time for their MV shoot later. She nods.

“So yeah. I’ll tell our manager,” Yong finishes, already pulling away. “They can block your schedule then we can set a meeting about what you’ll do at the taping.”

“Right.” Byul says, “Where I play your best friend.” Her voice sounds hollow even to her own ears.

Yong stills for a moment. Imperceptible, but not to Byul. When the other girl turns to look back at her, her smile is almost just as convincing. “Right. We should go to hair and make up now.” Yong walks out the door of their room, fully trusting that Byul will follow. 

She does. 

The feeling doesn’t go away though. It stays for the rest of the day, and Byul carries it with her up until she’s seated in front of their staff for an interview she’s meant to do to commemorate the group’s seventh anniversary. Then she lets it all out.

“I think we don’t know each other well, because we think we know each other,” she says, looking straight at the interviewer even though all she sees is the shuttered look on Yong’s face in their room. 

“It’s a bit disappointing.”

– 

The first time Byul told Yong she loves her, is a day she’ll always regret. It was almost the New Year and they were on a beach with Wheein and Hyejin, filming an MMMTV New Year's message for their fans. She whispered it into Yong’s ear, loud enough for their manager’s phone’s microphone to catch. Loud enough for Wheein and Hyejin to hear. And Yong giggled because she thought it was a joke for the live but Byul could also feel how her cheeks flushed from the confession.

When she thinks back to that day, Byul realized she had just used the video as an excuse to share her feelings. Because she knew no one would take it too seriously, and she’s hated herself for that moment of cowardice ever since.

The next time Byul talked about her feelings, it was a year later, in the dark privacy of the rehearsal room with just her and Yong and no one else. That night Yong had returned her feelings and they both cried a little so Byul was a little thankful for the privacy then. 

– 

“Byul-ah,” Yong is nudging her hard on the ribs, and she growls, turning over and pulling the blanket tighter over her head.

“Five more minutes.”

“No, you said that five minutes ago!” Yong yanks the blanket from her and the cold immediately sends goosebumps running up and down her skin. “The car is going to be here in twenty minutes. Get ready.”

“You’re cruel, Unnie.” She mumbles. is still gravelly from sleep. Right now, Yong’s bedroom is still a dark, blurry mess. Before the chill sets in, she grabs her clothes from her bag and makes a beeline for Yong’s bathroom.

She makes quick work of her shower but she pauses just before exiting at the sight of the skincare shelf hanging near the sink. It mostly has Yong’s products but there are signs of her there too. The toner that’s meant for her skin issues. The spot treatment cream that only she uses. The lip balm that they share.

When she exits the bathroom, Yong is on the phone. 

“That sounds great-- Yes I’ll tell her.” She looks up at Byul, holds up a finger and turns around.  She lowers her voice but not by much, “Thank you so much. Sorry for the trouble..”

When she tucks her phone away, she doesn’t meet Byul’s eyes. “That was our Manager. She’s sending two cars for us today so you can go ahead to the company.”

Byul doesn’t move from the bathroom’s doorway. She feels wrongfooted, somehow. “Why?”

“I have to go to another meeting for this show I’ll be judging on.” Yong says absently. She still isn’t looking at her though. “It was supposed to be this afternoon but one of the other judges can’t make it so they moved it to this morning. And since we’re leaving for Jirisan tomorrow, this is the only time I can attend.”

“Okay.”

“And don’t forget we also have a meeting for that dog trip later okay?” Yong is moving around the room in quick bursts of movement, grabbing things here and there. The bed they had both been sleeping in is already made, no signs that just an hour ago they had been lying there. Together. 

She can’t explain the next words out of , but she asks them anyway.

“What are we doing?”

“Getting ready to leave I should hope.” Yong’s voice is growing more exacerbated by the second. “Is your bag even ready? Your clothes are still all over the place!”

“No, Yong I mean it. What are we doing?”

Finally, finally , Yong stares at her. Byul stands her ground. “What are we doing?” she asks again.

Yongsun stares at her incredulously, and it’s that look again. The one from a few weeks ago. The one she can’t quite read but she thinks she’s beginning to understand. 

“I don’t understand.” Yong says.

Will it always be just like this? Byul wants to say, is on the cusp of saying. 

She chickens out at the last second, clamps down hard on the words and shakes her head,. She hates herself for it. “Nevermind,” she says instead, grabbing her bag and her clothes and stalking out the door. “It’s not important.” She leaves Yong in her wake. 

Outside, the two cars are waiting for them as promised. Byul gets into hers without sparing a look behind her, but when the doors shut the misery slams into her full force.

Just for show , Byul thinks and it’s a dark thing that settles heavily on her shoulders. Anything we have together, it’s all just for show.

She tries to shake the thoughts away but they settle around her like a thick velvet curtain, making it hard to breath and see the light. She’s been fighting for so long not to feel this way, to keep the dark thoughts at bay because, at the end of the day, Moon Byulyi will always be a little bit of a romantic at heart and she had thought, surely, surely if she just waited. If she paid her dues, if she did everything right, then maybe she could have this.

She and Yong could have this.

Later in the day, she feels wretched enough to reach for her phone so she can send Yong a photo of Janggu and Yongkeey together, during that one day they took them to the dog park.

The reply comes instantly, a moving emoticon of Ryan, hitting his with a tambourine, then--

Is there something we need to talk about?

Byul stares at the words, long and hard, and once again she feels the urge to tell Yong everything. Yes I want to talk. She doesn’t say. Why can’t the way we are together in private be the way we act in front of the camera too. I want to be enough for you. Tell me how to be enough. She clamps down hard on the words, instead sending another emoticon, this time of Apeach, turned away and blushing. 

I just needed coffee, that's all. I’m sorry for this morning. We’re fine Unnie. 

We’re fine.

She repeats it to herself until she almost believes it. Yong doesn’t mention it when they meet up later in the day and Byul resigns herself to that being the end of it. 

– 

It isn’t the end of it.

They acknowledge it again at Hyejin’s grandparents’ house in the mountains, tucked away from all civilization save for the cameras set up in various corners of the home and the entire camera crew and staff living one house over. Bracketed on either side by Wheein and Hyejin, Yong reaches out to grip Byul’s hand in the darkness.

“Are we okay?” She asks, soft and simple.

They stare at each other for a long while, eyes adjusting to the dark. Wheein’s back presses a warm line against Byul’s own spine and Hyejin’s arm is slung around Yong’s waist. They never do this anymore, just the four of them, huddled and sleeping together on a mattress on the floor like they used to when they were much younger.

They won’t get opportunities like this again very soon. Byul doesn’t want to ruin it with her own complicated tangle of feelings.

But she does think about the things she wants to say, as well as all the ones she can’t quite put into words. In the end she stays silent and turns her back to Yong.

“Byul.” The other girl whispers in the dark. It sounds so sad. The echoes of it break her heart anew but Byul tries not to let it get to her. Better to keep it in, she tells herself. Better get used to the pain instead of giving Yong just one more thing to worry about. 

In the end she hears Yong sigh and turn around too.

– 

Byul pulls away after that. Or, at least as much as she possibly can. They still see each other at least once a week for work, but Byul stops coming over to Yong’s house almost everyday. The timing of it is easy, with Yong on her merciless diet, the older girl is a lot more short-tempered than usual. Giving her the space she needs is no hardship.

The distance becomes a constant sting that Byul learns to live with and she tells herself that this is fine. This is the best thing to do. Because you’ll have lots of time to ham it up in front of the camera together anyway, and the thought sits bitterly in her mind. Byul learns to live with the ache those thoughts bring, and she doesn’t bother denying them to herself either. 

She’s gotten used to days passing in a nondescript blur, which is why, when her managers usher her into a room with Yong already waiting inside, Byul hesitates at the doorway, eyes widening. The shock on Yong’s face must mirror her own and she wonders, miserably, if Yong has been trying to avoid her too.

“Hey,” Byul says. 

Yong smiles and it looks a little relieved, which sends an immediate flush of warmth through her. She’s always been more than a little weak for this woman. Something no amount of distance or space will ever change. 

When she takes the seat next to Yong though, the warmth turns sour. She can see the dark circles under the other girl’s eyes, the way her cheeks are starting to hollow, the hunched way she’s holding herself, as if a gentle breeze might topple her over. “Diet going well, Unnie?” Byul asks. She can hear the sarcasm in her own voice.

Yong must hear it too because her smile turns into a glare. “Don’t start.”

The guilt is immediate and burns a cold line through her gut. Byul grimaces and ducks her head. “Sorry, I just–” There are a multitude of things she wants to say, but none of them feel like the right words. “Missed you Unnie,'' she finishes lamely, hoping at least that Yong can hear the sincerity. 

It takes a beat, but Yong’s glare gives way to a smile. Small and barely there, but Byul’s spent a decade learning all of Yong’s smiles, and she recognizes the clear fondness in her expression. She smiles back and bumps their shoulders together. It has the desired effect. Yong’s smile grows a little wider, and she doesn’t move away when Byul keeps their shoulders pressed together.

They stay like that; and when the rest of their management team enters, the meeting begins.

It starts with a reminder that the filming for the dog show—Jeolmi’s Guest House— is starting this week, with a preliminary shoot that will be happening in their respective apartments tomorrow, before they both leave for the bed and breakfast at the end of the week.

In a lull between topics, Yong’s phone pings twice from her bag. She digs it out without moving away, and Byul lets herself be lulled by steady shifting of Yong’s shoulders. Yong barely looks at the screen before she huffs out a laugh and moves the phone towards Byul’s line of sight. “Unnie’s been missing your presence in the apartment.”

It was a text message from Yonghee: You’re with Byul? Invite her for dinner.

Byul smirks, “Well, you can tell her I’ll come over when you’re done being a grumpy diet monster.” 

They were the wrong words to say and Byul realizes it as soon as they fly out of . She winces. Beneath her skin, she feels Yong’s shoulders tense. She doesn’t have to look to know that Yong isn’t smiling anymore.

Carefully, slowly, Byul moves away from Yong, straightening in her own seat. The air between them is back to being a little tense and awkward. Byul steels herself and then–

“I didn’t—”

“No, I get it.” Yong cuts her off, “I’m sorry, I know I’m not fun to be around right now.” Her tone grows a little sheepish and a lot self-deprecating, “Sorry.”

Byul feels wretched, and tries to find a way to salvage the situation, “Well. It’s probably a good thing that we’ve both been too busy to hang out.”

When she finally works up the courage to meet Yong’s eyes, the unmistakable sadness there almost cleaves her heart in two. Byul is only human though, and at the same time, she can’t help the sick, twisted vindication burning in her gut at the thought that perhaps Yong has been feeling just as miserable as her these last few weeks. 

She immediately hates herself for thinking that way.

In the end, it’s Yong who breaks the awkward silence. “The next time our schedules free up, let’s go away somewhere. Just the two of us.”

Byul recognizes the olive branch for what it is, and she grips on to it like a lifeline. “Yeah?”

Yong nods, sincere and earnest, “I promise!”

Some of the heaviness in her chest abates, and Byul allows herself a smile. “Okay it’s a promise.”

She reaches under the table and laces their fingers together. A gesture that Yong returns. It makes her feel a little bit better.

They get through the rest of the meeting relatively quickly, including the final plans for her guesting on ‘Boss in the Mirror’. When the topic is closed, it takes everything in her not to just take a nap on the conference room table. She’s thinking about swallowing some of her pride and asking Yong if maybe she can come over for dinner after all until their team manager clears and pulls out two new folders from the bag hanging by her chair.

“The final agenda for today are these proposals sent to us for you two.”

Byul isn’t  sure what to make of that but she accepts the folder handed to her all the same. Beside her, Yong looks equally as confused, and that at least assures her that she isn’t the only one. 

“Since everyone loves seeing you two be best friends on screen,” their manager says teasingly, “tvN is inviting both of you to guest on the second run of Six Sense, and,” at this their manager pauses for effect, “Vibe has personally chosen both of you to be part of their 20th anniversary project where you’ll get to remake one of their songs for a collaboration album with a few other artists.”

“Oh!” The excitement is practically oozing out of Yong’s every pore, and to her credit, Byul manages to smile just as widely. They are exciting projects and if she were in a better state of mind, she would probably feel more excited for them than she currently does. 

“This timing is perfect,” Yong says to the room at large, her voice in awe, “Byulie and I were just talking earlier about how we never have time to spend together anymore.”

Their management team share a few chuckles amongst them. Even with everyone in facemasks, Byul can clearly picture the teasing grins on their faces. “Well luckily for you two, the public want to see a lot more of your dynamic together so we’ll be capitalizing on that in the coming weeks,” their manager says.

Yong nudges her in the arm, “this is cool, right?” And how could she deny Yong anything she wants? It costs her nothing to plaster a smile on her face and nod. Suddenly their promise to go away together seems a lot farther away now than it did just moments ago.   

Just for show. She reminds herself.

–

Even with the windows closed, a fleece blanket on top of her, and her comfiest pajama set, Byul still wakes up shivering. Their bedroom in Jeolmi’s guesthouse is on the first floor, and in the dead of night, Byul can hear the muffled woofs of Yongkey and Janggu dreaming doggy dreams just outside.

Without opening her eyes, she burrows deeper into the warmth of her bedroll and tries to fall back asleep. Beside her, Yong is perfectly still. 

Byul lets out a sigh, hoping it can let out some of the conflicted feelings inside of her. Filming today had been fun, some of the most fun she’d had in the last few months, and she missed feeling this way with Yong. How they could enjoy themselves with anything they were doing. The uncomplicated way being together was healing enough.

But she also didn’t miss the pointed way Yong hammed up some of their jokes for the camera.  Or how, whenever they fell into their natural companionable silences, the on-ground director would call for a cut, and have the writer feed them lines or banter talk points. 

It always feels like a half life. Doing these shows together. Showcasing their best selves but never their fully real selves. 

“You’re thinking too loud.” Yong’s voice is muffled by her pillow and gravelly with sleep. 

Byul contemplates staying quiet and pretending to be asleep, but decides against it. Instead she opens up her blanket cocoon and places a hand on Yong’s shoulder. “C’mere.”

“Why?”

“I’m cold.”

Yong makes a sound that could either be acknowledgement or annoyance, but either way, there’s a brief shuffle and then Yong rolls into Byul’s waiting arms. When she brings the blanket over them, everything is much warmer.

“Better?” Yong mumbles against her chest. Byul nods.

She’s halfway asleep when Yong says, “Remind me to ask the producer not to include this footage.”

Byul is made all-too aware of the camera at the corner of their room. The one that’s meant to run all night because the director didn’t want to miss footage of the dogs greeting them in the morning. She sighs.

“You’ve been doing that a lot.” Yong says.

Byul opens her eyes and stares at the darkness, unsure how to reply. “It’s nothing.” She whispers and even without seeing her expression, she knows Yong doesn’t believe her for a second. 

“I wish you would talk to me.”

Yong’s words take her a little by surprise and Byul feels both hot and cold at once, her nerves fraying at the ends. “We’re talking right now,” she says weakly.

It’s Yong’s turn to sigh now. 

“No we’re not.”

Byul doesn’t respond to that. Instead she closes her eyes, tightens her grip around Yong’s shoulders and says, “Go to sleep. We still have to wake up earlier than the dogs so that you can roll back to your bed and pretend you weren’t here when we film in the morning.”

The words hurt as she says them, but they have to be said anyway. Yong doesn’t say anything else, but she does snuggle deeper into Byul’s arms, and there’s some comfort in that too. 

–

Sometimes, Byul thinks, it would be easier if she loved Yong less. But that’s the thought that hurts the most,  more than any of the others, because Byul doesn’t want to go back to how she and Yong used to be before they professed their feelings. Not because she thinks they would be any less closer, or because she thinks they would go back to fighting at least once a month again— but because of the simplest reasons. It makes her happy to love Yong. To know that Yong loves her. 

It is a joy to love. The pain she feels, she realizes, is because she has to hide exactly how much. 

–

“You’re mad.” Yong says, breaking the steely silence in their car. 

It’s a week after their Jeolmi guesting and now they’re on their way back to the agency after the first Boss in the Mirror taping. Once the cameras had stopped rolling, Byul couldn’t get away fast enough. It was easy showing up to support Yong and be there for her. Easy to play the role of supportive best friend, and to help her exercise. What wasn’t easy was watching Yong look more miserable and more hungry and more tired than she’d ever seen her before. What wasn’t easy was laughing and smiling for the camera while Yong had to stand quietly and starve for a TV audience.

“I’m not,” Byul says, the lie comes easily.

“Byul-ah.”

She sighs, chewing at her bottom lip before finally turning to face Yong. The older girl’s face is still shiny, with a thin sheen of sweat on her forehead and her nose, and the lack of makeup brings out the pink in her cheeks and on her chin. But what’s really prominent is how her face looks a lot more hollow than before, and how, just beneath the flush of exertion from working out, there’s also the sallow-colored skin brought about by hunger. 

“It’s just another month.” Yong says, clearly assuming her frustration is about today’s taping. It is, but it isn’t the only reason. “And we still have that Six Sense taping. That one should be more fun right?”

Byul sighs. She is looking forward to that one, but with mixed emotions. Not for the first time she wonders if she should just throw caution to the wind and finally tell Yong about everything that’s been bothering her. 

Every time she tries though, the words die in , and she can’t make herself speak them aloud for fear of sounding too clingy or needy or worse: ungrateful. She tries again now; Byul reaches out in the space between them and places a hand on the crook of Yong’s elbow. 

“Do you ever–” Byul chooses her words carefully, “do you ever think we’ll get tired of this?”

Yong frowns, “‘this’?”

“You know, doing these kinds of guestings?”

“No,” Yong says, with such a surety that Byul has to actively make sure her expression doesn’t change. She had been a little hopeful that maybe Yong was just as burdened, then maybe it would have been easier to talk about her feelings, but the confirmation to the opposite brings such a swift disappointment that it gives her whiplash. 

“It’s work and we get to be together,” Yong says, as if that were the only answer needed. “Why would I be tired of it?”

Byul nods absently.

“Are you tired of it?” Yong asks, and the wariness in her voice is plain. Byul shakes her head. Any work is better than no work after all. And with careers like theirs, it’s always important to stay relevant in the public eye. She just wishes–

“I’m not tired of guesting with you,” Byul clarifies, throwing a wry smile just for good measure. It gets the desired effect when Yong smiles even while shaking her head at the overtly greasy statement. 

They’re quiet for a few moments longer when Yong speaks up again. “But you are tired of something.” She correctly surmises. 

Byul shrugs, finally drawing her hand away. “Just physically.” She says, which isn’t entirely false, “We did just come from exercising,” she adds, in the hopes that Yong wont press the matter any further. 

Yong gives her that look again, and it sits wrongly in her chest all the way home. It’s only later, hours after she’s left the agency and is lying in her own bed that she realizes what the look was and she has to hold back tears for the rest of the evening. 

–

Byul tries not to wince when they find out the song they’re meant to cover for the Vibe anniversary album. It’s a good song, and just being chosen to cover it is an honor she can’t even begin to put into words. But the lyrics hit a little too close to home right now, and even though they put a happier, summer spin to it, she tries not to let the words get to her when she and Yong rehearse it together. 

It gets even harder when they get around to filming the MV, smiling for the camera and smiling at Yong as she tries not to let the song break her heart. 

–

When she finally cracks, it happens like this:

They’ve just wrapped on Six Sense and as is customary, her and Yong spend an extra few minutes thanking their seniors as well as the producers and the shoot staff. When they reach the tvN head producer, he smiles and returns their bow. “Thank you for accepting our invitation, we’re already anticipating a large growth in viewers for this episode.”

“Ah, really?” Yong’s laugh is bright and just a tinge embarrassed. Byul smiles.

“Of course!” The producer goes on, “our SNS blew up when we announced that you two would be guesting, and not just from your fans too. A good percentage of the general public love seeing you two together!”

The statement has Byul smiling a bit wider, until the producer adds–

“You’re like the nation’s favorite pair of soulmates.”

The smile feels frozen on her face. She knows Yong is laughing and saying something in reply, but all sound is distant and echoey in her ears, like hearing it from the other end of a tunnel. The dark weight she’s been growing in her chest finally drops down to her gut and sits there, cold and heavy.

Byul carries it with her in the car all the way back home, up until–

“Want to stay for a bit?”

She snaps back to herself and turns to see Yong standing outside the company car, which is already parked in front of her apartment building. It feels like she’s moving on autopilot because she nods and hops out of the car. It’s only after they wave goodbye to their manager and watch the car drive away that Byul remembers she hasn’t been at Yong’s apartment in almost two months. 

She says as much as they’re toeing their shoes off at the hyeon gwan, Yong just chuckles. “It has been a while hasn’t it? Unnie was starting to think we were fighting.”

“I’d rather we were fighting.” The words bypass her brain-to-mouth filter and come tumbling past her lips unbidden. It’s like a switch gets flipped because suddenly the room goes cold and hot at once. Byul feels itchy all over and she wonders if it’s too late to make her excuses and just go home.

Beside her, Yong stares at her for a long while, before the ghost of a smile plays around her lips. “Oh, holding a grudge,  Byulie? We’ve never done that before.” The words are meant to be teasing, she knows, but Yong’s tone has grown nervous.

Byul tries to salvage the moment as much as she can. She shakes her head and walks deeper into the apartment, looking anywhere but back at Yong. “Nothing Unnie. It’s a joke. Where’s Yongkey?”

“Unnie took her to our parents house,” Yong says, but there’s something  hesitant in her voice. It’s quiet for a beat too long, and the burning in Byul’s ears tells her there’s no dodging this conversation anymore. 

“Byul-ah.” Yong’s voice behind her is serious now, “Is there something we need to talk about?”

The words are an echo from before, and like then, Byul feels all the things she wants to say come rushing upward. Up from the bitter weight that’s been festering in her gut, past her aching heart, and into knocking at her teeth to be let out. She clamps down extra hard, afraid that if doesn’t, these dark thoughts might end up costing her the one good thing she has that’s just hers and no one else’s.

When she gets enough courage to turn around, Yong is a few feet away, shoulders hunched and eyes wary. Like she’s waiting for Byul to drop a bomb in her apartment. Like she’s waiting for Byul to hurt her. 

That look alone almost undoes everything.

“You wouldn’t want me to say it.” Byul says into the space between them.

Yong’s expression turns from hurt to angry on a dime. “I hate that. You’ve been like this for weeks and I wish you would just talk to me!” Her voice is growing louder with every word. 

Byul feels her own temper rising too but she grinds her teeth together, fully ready to ride out the wave of Yong’s anger until it passes. 

“We’re supposed to be together,” Yong says, and there is hurt mixed with the anger now too, “but it feels like I’m the only one making an effort here!”

“Well these past weeks I haven’t felt like we’re together at all!”

Byul doesn’t understand why she’s breathing so heavily, or why the room has gone so deathly quiet until it dawns on her that the last statement had come from her. And now that the dam has broken there’s no stopping the flow of everything she’s tried to stamp down for the last couple of months.

"We're together all the time but it doesn't feel that way.” She can’t look at Yong as she talks, so she fixes her gaze to the side and goes on, “All we ever do is stuff for work and don't get me wrong, I'm glad to still be working. To be working with you but. It feels like all we are now are these projects, these shows. And those aren't real. So if they aren't, are we? Is this thing between us still real Yong?"

For a long time Yong doesn’t speak, and when Byul hazards another look at her, she sees that the other girl’s expression is cautious. 

“How come you’ve never said anything before?” Yong says.

It doesn’t escape  her that Yong hasn’t answered her last question. “How could I? I know how it would have sounded. Like I was ungrateful or being too–”

“But you should have said something anyway!” Yong insists, and Byul doesn’t miss the slight crack in her voice. She does her the courtesy of pretending not to hear it anyway. “DIdn’t we say, when we started this, that we would rely on each other? You promised me we could be open with each other.” Yong reminds her.

“Yong…” There was a phantom pain between her ribs, the memory of opening up her heart to Yong all those years ago and being afraid of rejection. Yong hadn’t rejected her then, and it takes the span of another heartbeat for Byul to realize that she was the one who had closed up over the years. Hoarding their relationship in her heart like a dragon with its treasure. Afraid of one day losing it.

“Sometimes you look at me like you're tired of me.” Byul says in a rush, before she can think better of it.

Yong doesn’t flinch. “And how do you think you look at me?” She asks. 

“...I don’t know,” Byul says quietly.

Now Yong’s eyes are a little bright with unshed tears. “You look at me like I’ve broken your heart.” She takes a moment to compose herself, looking up at the ceiling and blinking the tears away before continuing, “It’s been a difficult burden to bear when I didn’t even know the reason.”

Byul inhales sharply. She doesn’t imagine the growing sting and heat behind her own eyes as well. She knows she has the space of her next exhale to try and make things right. “I’m sorry. I just love you so much and these days it feels like everything we are in private doesn’t matter as much as how we act on camera and–”

“–you wish we didn’t have to hide us.” Yong finishes for her, and Byul thinks her knees might give way with relief. It’s still overwhelming at times to see how well Yong knows and  understands her. She nods, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes to stop the flow of tears. She really hates crying. 

She thinks she’s just managed to get it under control when she feels Yong’s warmth around her, arms holding her tight and head pressed into her shoulder.

“It’s still real for me,” Yong whispers into the skin of her neck and it feels like a benediction. Byul crumples under the weight of everything she feels for this woman in her arms, and she hugs her back as tightly as she can to hide how much she’s trembling. With her next shaky exhale, she feels the last of her dark thoughts finally, finally disappear. 

They stay like that for a while, hugging in the middle of Yong’s living room. When they finally pull apart, they take one look at each other’s faces and burst into laughter.

“Ah! I hate it,” Byul hiccups, “I’m really glad that’s behind us now.”

“Me too,” Yong agrees, pulling them over to the couch to get comfortable. Byul waits for her to get settled before wrapping an arm around Yong’s middle, pillowing her head in the space between Yong’s shoulder and neck that was made just for her.  

Yong says, “I'm not sure how much longer we could have kept that up.”

Byul nods, lets the regret and shame pass through her quickly before she replies, “I haven’t been myself, have I?” 

“No. Not for a long time.”

“That bad huh?” She tries to sound lighthearted, but she knows she cycles through these dark moods sometimes. That this time was just worse than all the other times before.  

“It’s not your fault Byul. Or--” Yong backtracks, “It’s not all your fault. You were hurting, but I was also hurt because you wouldn’t open up to me like you used to.” She catches Byul’s eye, her expression mischievous, “kind of like you were breaking my heart too.”

She winces but she laughs too, letting herself fall from Yong’s shoulder to her lap. “If our fans only knew how greasy you are in private,” she teases, poking at Yong’s cheeks, then softer she adds, “I’m sorry.”

Yong’s expression turns a little soft, “Thank you for finally talking to me.”

“I should have done it sooner.” Byul says, and she means it. “I keep saying I want us to be more open with each other but I became the one that clamped down on my feelings because I didn’t want to burden you. I should have let you in.”

“And I shouldn’t have used work as an excuse to spend time with you instead of just actually taking a break so we could be together.” Yong counters, “I should have known it would only make you feel more alone.” 

“Ah but the work will never end,” Byul thinks aloud, and she knows it’s true. She’d hate to have worked so hard for so long only to fade into nothing when she feels like she still has a lot more to show. “I only felt alone because I thought I was the only one having these dark thoughts, I never realized that I would cause you to have some of your own too." She looks Yong in the eye for her next words, "I won't do that anymore."

“Good,” Yong says, “So we make a new promise. No matter how much work there is, we have to trust that we’ll always come back to each other. Even in months when all we have are solo schedules.“

Yong holds out her pinky in front of Byul’s face.

“Promise,” Byul says, hooking their pinkies together. She uses their linked hands to pull herself upward telegraphing her movements to Yong slowly before finally closing the distance between them for a kiss.

It’s soft and warm and a little wet from their tears  but it feels like a balm against the last few months so Byul scrabbles up for a better angle. She’s already cupping Yong’s cheek to deepen the kiss when the very sudden and very loud sound of Yong’s stomach grumbling echoes around the apartment.

They burst apart laughing again, Byul falling back down unto Yong’s lap, almost rolling off the sofa entirely. It takes a little longer this time for them to get it under control, but when they do, Byul leans up again to press a quick kiss to the corner of  Yong’s mouth.

“How about we order in today?”

Yong smiles but shakes her head. “I have a week to go before my magazine shoot.”

Byul pouts, internally cursing that shoot and that show for hollowing out her girlfriend’s cheeks and sharpening up all the softer bits of her she likes to squeeze when they cuddle together. 

“Call me right after you finish that shoot. I’ll take you out to eat anything you want, that’s my promise.”

Yong’s responding smile is like the sun, “then after, we can finally go somewhere together like I promised.”

–

“Do you mind if I vlog a bit of the trip?”

She throws Yong a wary glance from the driver’s seat but it’s teasing more than anything, and Yong knows it. She’s picking her up so they can go on that overnight pool villa trip Yong’s spent the better part of the last week planning.

“I promise I’m not exploiting us--” Yong says as she closes the passenger door behind her and straps her seatbelt in. 

“Even though videos with me on your channel get the most views.” Byul counters with a wry grin.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re hot Moon Byulyi, everybody knows.”

“Even you, huh Unnie?”

“Shut up.”

They’re both smiling as Byul navigates them through Seoul’s busy streets, and the silence is comfortable and freeing, very unlike the tense, heavy thing it was a few months ago. 

“So why are you vlogging this trip?” Byul asks, out of curiosity.

Yong shrugs, “My Yongwangnims have been sending messages about how worried they were for me during that whole magazine shoot.”

That’s understandable , Byul thinks, remembering a not too distant time when she felt the same. 

“I want to show them that I’m okay,” Yong says simply, “that I’m happy. If they see you there, they’ll know for sure.”

The words warm her all over. She doesn’t need to ask her next question, but she does anyway. “Why’s that?”

“Because you make me happy, Byul.”

She takes one hand off the wheel and reaches out for Yong, lacing their fingers together and bringing the other girl’s hand to her lips to press a kiss against her knuckles.

“You make me happy too, Yong.”

–

    Tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us.

These, our bodies, possessed by light.

                                                                         Tell me we’ll never get used to it.