August 16.
     Ito na ata yung araw na masisira yung puso ko because of a person.

     Ibang iba yung ugali ni Monique ngayon, parang sobrang saya niya pero dulot ng iba.

     Ang wary niya din at given times tapos parang kinakabahan na ewan, basta. Wala yung Monique na nakakasama ko nitong nakaraan na buwan.

     Oo wala naman akong karapatan in the first place, but it breaks my heart to think na I didn’t act fast enough so I could be the person who’s making her happy right now.

     Ha, how I wish to be him.

     How did I end up with this conclusion?

     Actually, wala naman akong evidence pero kasi, dun napapadpad yung isip ko kapag iniisip ko. Mabuti na nga siguro na pinilit niya akong maglakad para kahit papaano eh nawawala sa isip ko.

     Feel ko alam na ni Ning, ang saya kasi nila nung sinundo ko siya dun kanina, ang lalawak ng mga ngiti tapos naghahampasan pa. Pati nung bago kami umalis, may makahulugan na ngiti sa’kin si Ning kaya baka yun na rin yung warning niya sa’kin.

     But nonetheless, ito kami ngayon.

     Naglalakad sa Ayala Triangle, the dusk seeping in, my hand holding hers while the other is hugging a small stuffed alligator na naka-tshirt. Crocodile pa nga daw to nung una sabi nitong kasama ko, eh hindi naman patusok yung snout kaya nasita ko.

     Mas okay na sa’kin niya malaman yung totoo kaysa malaman niya sa iba. Andami pa man ding mga harsh na tao kahit napakaliit lang naman nung pagkakamali.

     Nakangiti lang si Monique ngayon habang naglalakad kami, on a slower pace compared than earlier, parang sinusulit namin yung lamig ng hangin kahit pa nga nakakangatog na minsan kasi naman bat ba ako nag-cropped top. Hindi ko din mabutones yung long sleeves ko at parehas occupied yung kamay ko.

     Nakangiti lang siya habang ako nagmamasid masid ang mga mata.

     Sometimes landing on her face like my eyes just naturally get lured to look at her.

     You know that feeling?

     Just enjoying the moment, living in the present, not minding what would happen in the succeeding second or minutes or hours.

     Ise-set aside mo talaga yung thoughts mo about the future just because you can’t get enough of what you’re feeling right now.

     Baka yung ang essence ng moment.

     How would I know, I barely valued any moments until this second.

     Maybe I'm seeing a glimpse of how the future will look like.

     Maybe this will be the last time I'll see her like this.

     Maybe its uncertainty that I want to choose because it’s about Cat, about what happens to us. Kaya ko siguro tinaya yung chance ko to hold her hand again. Just like what I did when we first got aware of each other’s presence.

     My stupid little act dun sa 3rd floor ng National Museum,

     Sa tapat ng artwork ni Mr. Jose T. Joya.

     On a random day in the month of June.

     But nonetheless, she never fails to make me happy. And I want that to be a constant.

     I'll face every commitment, assurance, maintenance, hardship, moments, insecurities, good times and bad times if it’s for her.

     I want her to be my constant and I want me to be hers.

     Pero pano yun ngayon na nafefeel ko na may sasabihin sa’kin to na ikabibigla ng aking heart.

     I looked at her, she’s looking straight ahead, an empty path just lined with bushes and plants and other greenery like we’re on a different place na wala sa Makati. Alam ko malapit lang unit ni Gi dito eh, pwede naman siguro ako tumakbo dun if ever na kailangan ko ng kausap diba? Mai-chat nga mamaya.

     I hope Nique sees how my eyes look like,

     I hope my eyes could convey how I’m asking her to tell me already what she wants to say.

     Patatagalin pa ba kung pwede namang isang bagsakan nalang.

     Just then, tumingin siya sa direksyon ko, her eyes landing on my lips bago dumako patingin sa sarili kong mata, I saw her blush.

     Ganun na ba kalamig? Ako kaya, namumula kaya ako?

     ‘Want to guess who gave me that?’ she asked me softly. Like a little kid showing off their new toy that they got from their parents.

     ‘Si Gi?’ humindi siya.

     ‘Si Ate mo?’ umiling ulit siya.

     ‘Si Tito Ernie?’ by this time pati ako napapaisip na kung ginagago ba ako nitong si Monique pero humindi lang naman ulit siya habang nagpipigil ng ngiti.

     Baka si Ning ang nagbigay?

     ‘Eh sino ba kasi’ diretso ko sakanya.

     ‘Manliligaw ko’ she directed back to me. Kaya pala mahirap sabihin. Mahirap din harapin para sa’kin. ‘Ah….’ Tinignan ko yung hawak hawak ko. Nakangiti yung buwaya, parang yung ngiti lang din nitong kasama ko ngayon.

     Agad agad ko namang binigay pabalik sakanya yung stuffed toy. Hindi naman ako yung nililigawan bat ako yung may hawak.

     ‘Ayoko dyan, hindi naman para sa’kin yan’ pag-iinarte ko. But she didn’t take it, she just pushed my hand back to me, back to where it came from with the plush still in it. ‘No, just hold onto it for me’ okay, madali ako kausap.

     Nakaramdam kaya siya?

     Na nagugustuhan ko na siya?

     Kasi feel ko talaga, ito na yung way niya ng pagsasabi na may nanliligaw na sakanya at sa kasamaang palad eh hindi ako yun.

     Baka pwede namang ako nalang Nique, maganda naman ako ah?

     ‘Have you ever thought that you wanted to love someone?’ she asked. Her thumb brushing against the back of my palm habang dahan-dahan na nagpapadala sa galaw namin ang aming mga kamay. Our tangled hands swaying in between our bodies as the path in front of us suddenly seems like never ending.

     ‘Honestly?’ she nodded a yes. My head nodded a little too.

     ‘Oo, just looking for the right person I guess.’ I truthfully admitted. Oh, how I wanted her to be that right person.

     Baka naman pwede akong pagbigyan ng mundo ngayon?

     Minsan lang ako humingi ng tulong mula sayo mommy earth, baka lang naman.

     ‘Single since birth din kaya ako’ I retorted. Trying to hide the disappointment I have in myself. 

     Antagal ko na kayang naghihintay…. feeling ko nga dumating na eh.

     Katabi ko, naglalakad.

     May manliligaw.

     Andami.

     Hindi nga lang ako.

     .................

     Hindi pa ako.

     ‘Wala akong sinabi Winter’ na-Winter nanaman ako.

     ‘Bakit mo natanong? Ikaw ba, na-inlove ka na?’ I gave her her question back. Ito na yung topic diba? Ang one-sided naman kung ako lang sasagot.

     I stared at her in anticipation. My grip on the plush in my other hand slowly getting loose. Kapag ito nalaglag, alam na. ‘Yes.'

     Her smile got wider.

     'Recently lang’

     Okay positive thoughts, wala pa siyang ibang kinaklaro kaya wag kang assuming Winter.

     Kayanin mo ang laban.

     I nodded my head so she could continue, obviously she wouldn’t be secretive to me about it kasi napili na niyang i-open sa’kin to.

     ‘It took me some time accepting the fact na in-love na ‘ko- Well, hindi pa rin ako sure pero papunta na yun dun siguro’ I love how her voice sou