Chilly and lonely night.

It has been exactly 8 hours, 24 minutes, 3 seconds, and 1.2 milliseconds since Sana and Tzuyu have broken up.

Of course, it is understandable and obvious that the pain is still there, the wound is still there, the overflowing emotions are still there. However, they are so emotionally damn tired of everything for them to shed some tears because they have been doing it for God knows how many hours that day and for how many times already all throughout their relationship.

The both of them believes that there’s no perfect relationship and they also admit that what they just had is not perfect either. So, they were stuck in the idea that everything will still come to its end and it eventually came just a while ago. They know that it is wrong not to believe in themselves and in their relationship, but they can’t help but think of the dead end.

They expected it already a few weeks ago when Sana went back to their shared apartment so freaking drunk that Tzuyu instantly got mad at her instead of cleaning her up because she is mumbling her ex’s name again and saying such things she wishes she never hear again because it involves the word ‘love’ and ‘again’ and how it makes her feel more miserable than the actual person who was drunk and wasted.

Sana was drunk and crying when she went back, they both didn’t even know how the girl managed to get back to their flat and not to her ex’s apartment that night because Tzuyu can imagine her girlfriend doing that.

They never clearly talked about that incident that is most likely the reason why they ended up in that state, at their so called favorite and secret place (not anymore), and holding their tears because they don’t want to see one another how weak they are for each other as they need to finalize their decisions to further avoid regrets in the near future (spoiler alert: they regretted everything even with the moment still ongoing).

It’s a windy night and both Sana and Tzuyu decided to stay at their respective terrace in their balcony to feel that they are already literally alone and that they don’t already have one another to hug and to hold.

When a strong wind comes to their way that certainly gives quiver in their skin, they took a deep breath and thought about their breakup for the nth time that night.

“Do you not like when I look at you like that?”

It was the awkward yet brave question of Tzuyu to Sana when the latter avoided the younger’s gaze right after they hold hands, just wasting some time when they already finished eating their dinner.

Tzuyu’s gaze always feel like home, Sana has to admit that. There’s something in the way Tzuyu looks at Sana’s eyes as if she’s always telling her that she’s her one and only, that she’s the only one she loves in her whole life, that she does not have any plans to love anyone else but only her, that she will always love and protect her, and that she will always stay by her side.

In their 3 years in a relationship, Sana learned to be comfortable and grateful to those gaze, but whenever something or someone gives her the familiarity of those eyes, she cannot help but feel guilty and hurt. It’s still there and she hates that she’s still in pain, even involving a person full of love and appreciation, though she deeply knows in herself that Tzuyu doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. She doesn’t deserve to be just the one she needs whenever she’s hurting.

Tzuyu is a really nice girl, she is too good to be true, too perfect, and probably out of Sana’s league. It’s the sole reason she keeps on pushing to herself just so she can finally decide and convince herself that she is doing the right thing. However, looking at Tzuyu’s warm gaze gives a tug in her heart, knowing that the girl is innocent and pure, deserves nothing but all the amazing things in the world.

“No, it’s just that…”

The older sighed and had some second thoughts if she will still continue, but there they were already so she decided to just let it all at once.

“What, Sana?”

“I don’t think I’m not worthy of that wholehearted gaze anymore, Tzuyu”

There’s diamond tears falling from Sana’s eyes and Tzuyu deeply wants to kiss those tears away, but hearing Sana’s words makes her stop herself from doing so. She also doesn’t think she’s also worthy to do that already, she doesn’t think she’s still in the right position to do so.

When they both calmed themselves down and sense that the atmosphere is nowhere lovely and sweet to be found as it just keeps on getting awkward and regretful, that’s when they decided to stand up, close the gap between them, and shared a tight and sorrowful embrace with some pats on their back and a ‘thank you’ whisper on their ears.

Well, it’s for the best.

They said those cliché lines to each other like ‘I loved you’ and ‘I am grateful to meet you in this life’ like it’s a normal thing to do, like they’re really letting themselves go without even having second thoughts and just wanting each other to be free from that bittersweet relationship.

They both know that they had shortcomings in their relationship and that is why they tried to work things out, however, fate is probably not by their side as they just keep on having petty fights so they just went along with the best choice they could ever think of.

“I’m not the only one who thinks that.”

Sana said to herself and she got to admit that she had pretty much shortcomings, especially when she is too damn tired from everything without even remembering she has a girlfriend, well, in the current case, ex-girlfriend. 

It’s probably that one thing she regrets the most and she hates everything about it. When someone mentions the word ‘regret’ it just gives an uncomfortable feeling to Sana, particularly being hurt because it’s all in the past now but she guesses that regrets are really meant to be felt and realized at the end and will not make her sleep peacefully at night in the coming days. She hopes it will not be the case, but she is positive it is the other way around.

She knows she’s all wrong when she entered another relationship right away when she just broke up with her previous girlfriend before Tzuyu because the latter is the only person who has been with her through thick and thin in those times she was so miserable and wounded and the two of them didn’t even set some boundaries that lead them in their relationship after how many months of testing the waters.

It’s mainly because Tzuyu is an angel.

She is a blessing Sana will not get tired of being grateful for. She is a gift she will forever cherish because her existence is just so amazing and lovely that Sana didn’t really expect that there’s a person living with that personality.

Honestly though, the real and the core reason why Sana chose to end things between the two of them is because she’s scared.

Sana is scared of breaking promises.

She is scared of not doing enough things, of being enough, of being worthy of Tzuyu’s attention, care, and love.

She is scared of breaking her promise of being with her, of holding her hand no matter what happens, of holding tight to their relationship, of loving Tzuyu until the end.

She is scared of breaking her promise of being happy, of being contented, of being able to be the best version of herself with Tzuyu.

She is scared of a lot of things to the point that she lets it eat her whole being and leads her to that one wasted night and admitting that she is still cannot forget her ex-girlfriend before Tzuyu. It’s the most sinful thing she has ever done in her life and she didn’t even utter a sorry to the younger that makes her extra guilty.

She lost a lot when Tzuyu agreed to the breakup, but she has no choice because she already hurt her a lot of times already, and she doesn’t want to add another pain in her heart.

Sana then stares at the night sky above her, she gradually wiped her tears away with her bare hands as she doesn’t even know that she’s tearing up already. And right there and then, even if the night sky often comforts her, that night, it feels strange for her because the familiar warmth and comfort was not there anymore.

That night, Sana hopes for the best, not for herself, but for Tzuyu.

And Tzuyu’s feeling sorry for a lot of things, of not doing something she should have done sooner to Sana, they should have done together.

She’s totally believing that regrets really comes after a big decision, but she doesn’t have any choice, but to feel all the pain she has in her system because she needs it, she needs the genuineness of the pain just so she can feel that she’s still there.

Tzuyu feels sorry of not loving Sana fully.

She doesn’t know, but she always feels that the love she expresses for Sana is not enough for her to keep on yearning for it. She doesn’t know how she can surpass the love the girl’s ex has given her so Sana can fully divert her attention to her.

She feels sorry for not giving her enough attention and care she needs because she is too focused on their future and the things they need to prepare for their relationship to go stronger in the coming decades. She feels sorry for all the things she should’ve done like hugging her tight, never letting go of her hand, and giving encouraging and motivating words during tough times. She thinks her existence is not enough for Sana to feel better and she feels sorry for it to the point that she just want to blame herself for everything.

Tzuyu feels sorry for not doing the things together to strengthen their relationship.

She feels sorry for not always checking her partner, for letting her feel all the emotions and not letting Sana know that she can always use her, she can always lean on her, she can always demand to protect her, even if it is literally her duty as her (ex) girlfriend. She feels sorry for not knowing her deeply, not fully knowing about her soul, her flaws and imperfections, her insecurities, her embarrassment in life, and all the trivial things that still matters to Sana.

Tzuyu feels sorry for not expressing her love fully to Sana.

She feels sorry for not returning the skinship, for rarely not responding to Sana’s ‘I love you’, ‘good morning’, ‘thank you’, ‘have a great day’ without even knowing she will miss it in the next days and she will keep on missing it, she doesn’t know until when. She feels sorry for not treasuring each moment with Sana when the girl always gives her an assurance that she loves her the most in the world and now she just lost her chance in expressing how she truly, deeply, madly love Sana so much.

Tzuyu then took a deep breath. It’s evident in her face that she’s so damn tired of letting her emotions go that day and yet she was wiping her tears for the nth time that night as she stares at the night sky and immediately thought that she just knows that Sana is staring at the same night sky at that very moment. That thought doesn’t make her smile anymore, just gave her a different kind of pain in her heart.

When another strong wind came in her direction as she took another deep breath, Tzuyu hopes that Sana has already forgiven herself for what happened.

Because in the end, they both know that they are really not meant to be together, but it doesn’t stop them from a wishing for a second better chance in their next lifetime.

The night sky is the witness of all the painful, yet blissful memories Sana and Tzuyu had with each other.