I.

Statistically, they say a person falls in love twice in a lifetime: the first time being young, carefree and reckless. It’s full of hope with no room for error— because one naively thinks that love cannot err. 

And the second time? The second time didn’t matter to Karina. She believed that after meeting a certain girl, she was bound to be the one anomaly that completely went against the phenomenon. 

Karina thought that after meeting Giselle, there would be no second instance of falling in love. Both times would be reserved for her, along with all of her attention and dedication. She had told herself then that the hole in her heart could only be filled by a certain japanese girl with the most innocent gummy smile. 

Because when she saw the short japanese girl performing as alto as part of the school choir, standing modestly among the multitude of aspiring singers in front of the student body, Karina fell in love. She loved the shy smile, and the way her face seemed to twist into these funny little expressions that made these butterflies flutter deep inside Karina’s chest. 

The movies didn’t give her feeling any justice. No single word can accurately depict what she felt, because to her, none of it would capture the entirety of what falling in love was. It was that infuriating gut feeling that convinced her to act immediately. 

And after that performance, Karina didn’t hesitate. 

She would run over to the back of the stage where the choir students stepped down one by one, eagerly and impatiently waiting, sweat accumulating her palms as she bit her bottom lip. 

Then it hit her, how she’d probably put off the strangely attractive japanese girl by suddenly confessing it all out of the blue, so when the girl went down the steps backstage to come face to face with her, Karina only stuttered. 

“Hi. your performance was— uhm. Good.”

The japanese stranger would simply stare at her blankly before blinking, confused. Karina could only cringe at this response, internally reprimanding herself as a deep blush started coloring her cheeks.

It takes a moment for everything to sink in when the girl smiled as she introduced herself, and for a moment, everything felt right in the world. 

Because when Giselle looks at her, she feels her cheeks warm up and her heart rate increase in pace. She finds access to all of the happiness in the world, and is subjected to every urge to want to wrap her arms around the girl’s frame. Karina wants to make every sacrifice worth whatever degree of love Giselle can provide, and mere words can barely describe the intensity of what she is willing to give.

II.

“I’m in love with you.” 

Karina blurts it out one day on accident while listening to her japanese friend, and she immediately feels her heartbeat halt that split second. All of a sudden, she’s holding her breath as Giselle stops halfway into telling her story of how their choir practice went. 

From across the table, the japanese girl is frozen in surprise. It’s the way Giselle’s mouth hung open for that brief moment, and how her hues were almost as comically wide as saucers. Karina noticed the way the younger had opened , only to close it again, and just as quickly as the rush came, Karina’s heart had dropped. 

Karina can divert the direction of the conversation elsewhere, but she chooses not to. Not when the feeling had become far too much to bear for her, and not when every single moment they had spent together was already starting to always become the highlight of Karina’s day. 

It’s that feeling of unrest when her leg starts bouncing, and the girl has to block out all of the voices in her head that try to convince her she’s finally screwed everything up. There’s this ringing in her ears she couldn’t quite point out, but it’s getting in the way of their communication (Not that there was any to begin with, since Giselle was silent for the whole duration of Karina’s poor confession.)

Giselle coughs, her brown eyes landing on Karina, then at literally anything else but her. The way the corner of her lips twist down into a small frown makes Karina’s heart ache and tears start to border around her eyes.  

“Uhm—... Sorry?” 

She knew what that question was—It was a chance for Karina to change the subject of the conversation. It was an attempt by the latter to not make things uncomfortable between them, at the price of leaving things unsaid. Karina could stop right there, excuse herself out of the room to fix the liquid already threatening to roll down her cheeks because of how suffocating it already was to simply just stay in that situation. 

But Karina would be persistent. She wouldn’t hesitate. 

“I think I love you.” She says again, but this time, with more conviction. “Well— It’s not an ‘I think’ situation. I’m certain that I’m in love with you.” 

It takes another moment of unbearable silence before Karina can get a response, but when she does, every bit of hope she had harbored would be shattered into pieces like a hammer to glass.  

“Rina, I don’t want to ruin what we have.” Giselle sighs, her expression twisting into one of guilt.  “I only see you as a friend.” 

She could’ve sworn she’d heard every facet to her fragile heart break into millions of tiny little pieces the second the younger girl had said those words. 

People described heartbreak as a variety of different things. They say it’s a pain felt somewhere in one’s body—chest or stomach. Some say it’s dull ache, while others call it piercing. 

To Karina, it was the most crushing sensation that left her wanting to distance herself from human contact for days. It was the most annoying ache in her chest that never seemed to go away, and the constant reminder that she’d have to settle for something less if she wanted to settle for anything at all

And for a while, she couldn’t look Giselle in the eye because it hurt to simply be in her presence. She took her things and left without a word.

III.

Karina wished that those few weeks of silence between her and Giselle were enough to provide peace of mind. She thought this space could allow her to think, but the girl was sorely mistaken. 

Though the crushing feeling in her chest might have gone away, there is still that dull ache that stayed around, along with the difficulty of breathing that had always happened whenever the thought of Giselle entered her mind. 

And sadly, The japanese girl was always on her mind. Her thoughts were constantly racing with worry, and her patience was truly running thin at that point. 

Truthfully, she knew deep inside that it was only a matter of time before she'd have to do something about this silent treatment going on between the two of them. 

Movies have this habit of portraying completely different things from reality, and they are played that way for the purpose of revenue. This wasn’t any different, because the realization didn’t hit her gradually. The universe didn’t give her any sign, nor did a long time of reflection change anything. 

It was just sudden, like a random epiphany— a blow to the back of her head without preparation. 

It’s one thought, like cogs moving and clicking together in a satisfying revelation. To Karina, it filled her with so much hope when that exact “Eureka” moment hit her.

When that idea struck her, there was a renewed conviction. And like every other time before, Karina wouldn’t hesitate when it came to Giselle. 

As her class came to an end, she’s immediately out of the door, turning the next corner quickly on her feet to where Giselle’s class was. 

The moment the japanese girl leaves the classroom, Karina immediately grabs her hand and pulls her away from the crowd of students piling out of the room without a moment’s notice. 

Giselle is taken by surprise, but is quick to regain her composure as she allowed the older girl to tug her along. 

“... Rina? Where are you taking me?”

And no response. Karina would only remain silent, but by the way the older girl’s hand had felt intertwined with hers, Giselle could immediately tell that she was nervous— Her grip was tight, and her palm slightly clammy. 

When they arrive at the empty school auditorium, Karina leads her to the center of the room before finally letting go of her hand. The japanese girl could only blink in confusion, brows furrowed as she glanced around. 

“Why did you take m—”

“This place.” The older girl cuts her off, and when Giselle looks at Karina in the eye, she sees her toothy smile and gentle gaze. “It’s where I first fell in love with you.” 

“I already told you, Rina. I can’t.” 

“Wait, okay? Just— Listen to me for a moment, please. I want to make you understand.” Karina sighs, nervously bringing a hand to the back of her neck. “I want you to see why I want this to happen, okay? Please.” 

Giselle is hesitant, and there’s that uncomfortable expression on her face again— visible by the way she’d bitten her lip and avoided Karina’s gaze. There’s this cloud of emotion behind her brown eyes, as if she were in some kind of internal turmoil.

But she gestures for Karina to continue anyway, and to the older girl, it’s a chance to make things right— a huge victory already. The corners of her lips can’t help but twist up, and Karina’s smile immediately widens. 

The older girl points to the row of seats to their side, somewhere at the very back and Giselle gaze floats over to where she is pointing. 

“That was where I was sitting when your choir presented that song.” Karina started. “You know, my mind was occupied with the student council and everything and I just saw this.. bashful japanese girl taking the steps up and to the center of the stage and she immediately ended up snagging my attention.”

“And it’s weird, because all my life the thought of romance had never crossed my mind. When I saw you, things just.. happened to me. I can’t explain how I felt, because I feel like the words I can think of now wouldn’t even do it justice. Those cute expressions on your face left me at a loss for words, and I really just don’t understand how. It’s that nagging feeling that our paths were meant to cross, so I found myself walking over to you after that performance.” 

“Aand— And!! I know I said your performance was good, but to be frank I don’t even remember that song your choir sang because I was so mesmerized by your presence and I know I may sound like a dumb idiot right now going on about how beautiful you are, but it’s really genuinely how I felt.” 

Karina finally stops, her face beet red after her winded explanation. She wants to hide her face, or bury herself six feet under, and Giselle seemed to mirror that same expression. 

The japanese girl’s face was completely flushed, her uneasy expression now twisting to one of embarrassment. 

“Look. I understand if you don’t see me that way, but can’t you just.. Please give me a chance to show you?”

Giselle seemed to have a habit of remaining completely silent after one of Karina’s more embarrassing speeches and love confessions, and it never failed to make the older girl nervous. 

Because when Karina is waiting for a response, those short seconds seem to feel like hours and the older girl’s thoughts start to go haywire. Her ears start to ring, and her heartbeat immediately accelerates.

But when Giselle nods, all of her troubled feelings dissipate into nothingness, replaced by insurmountable happiness. Karina promises to herself then that she would make every effort in the world to prove to the younger girl just how strongly she had felt. 

And it only took a few months for Giselle to return it all— before they fell in love.

IV. 

It takes two years for their first big fight to happen, and Karina would be lying if she had said it hadn't gone to haunt her for the years to come. 

Because the cracks that quarrel had caused still remained in her heart— a sign of trial, and reconciliation. The event that cemented the fact that Giselle would always be meant to stay no matter the hardships. 

Up until present, the embrace they shared that night by the riverside as they sat on the grass with tears rolling down their cheeks— It would be incomparable to any other moment Karina had had with the younger girl. 

That night, when the light illuminated the side of Giselle’s face so beautifully, Karina clung onto her for dear life. She held her tighter than any other moment before, as if she were scared of losing her. 

And she really did think so. 

It was graduation day, and Karina had stepped into the center of that stage eyes set on a diploma with a wide smile— after all, graduating with a valedictorian award wasn’t any simple feat. 

As she went behind the podium, the spotlights turned to shine the light on her. Karina attempts to shield her eyes away from the sudden glow, swallowing as her gaze fell on the audience. 

A huge number of people— eagerly waiting for her speech with high expectations. Some gave her a reassuring smile, but none could compare to a certain japanese girl waving ecstatically around the back. 

The ends of her hair were curled beautifully, and the toga she adorned was a size too big, but she was adorable nonetheless. Giselle never really failed to cause an expression of endearment on Karina’s face— not even during the older girl’s most stressed moments. 

When Giselle makes a kissy face, all of her worries are alleviated, replaced by a snort and a restrained chuckle.

For some reason, this person never failed to make the most discomforting moments bearable for her. The most nerve-wracking situations become easy all of a sudden, and it’s always as if a whole ton of weight is lifted off Karina’s shoulders.

Coughing into her palm, she pulls the mic on the podium a little closer to . The lines she’d memorized freely escaping without fail, and it’s as if she wasn’t troubled anyway.

Because she knows that when she’s sharing this special eye contact with the japanese girl in the crowd, she’ll be able to breeze through her speech.

Right after her speech, as she went down the steps of the stage, she came face to face with Giselle who was wearing her signature smile— kind and sweet, and always managing to take Karina’s breath away. 

“Hi, your performance was—”

“—Uhm. Good? Shut up, you’re teasing me.” Karina giggled, cutting Giselle off. “I know I was awkward the first time we met, stop bringing it up.”

Giselle only laughed, and her laugh would always be an important memory stored somewhere in her brain— within the facet of her cognition that served to preserve the most significant things she’d treasure for life. The tiny lilt to her laugh, the pleasant accent that was music to her ears, even the most undignified chuckle the japanese girl would let out once in a blue moon— All of it was precious.

When she hugs Giselle, the japanese girl would only hum, rubbing the older girl’s back. They stayed like that for a moment, and Karina could really stay that way for a long duration of time without ever pulling away. 

“Rina, I’m so proud of you.” The younger girl would mutter, her words reflecting the sincere look in her eyes.

“And I’m proud of you too.” Karina grinned, pulling away as her eyes briefly trailed down to the silver locket the shape of a crescent moon on Giselle’s neck— a gift the older girl had given her earlier that day. 

“And I’ll be prouder when we graduate together from the same university, Rina. I’ll be waiting for you, just like we planned.” The younger girl continued, a dreamy look on her face as she went on. 

“... Yeah.” Karina mumbled, her voice low. “I.. Actually. Selle, I— I have something to tell you.”

“Mmhm?”

“I got accepted to a university in Canada, and I’m going to take that opportunity.”

Even years later, Karina can remember the way the light in the younger girl’s eyes died out when she broke the news. She can recall the way her smile twisted to a frown, and how her expression did that complete 180. She remembers the disbelief in Giselle’s voice as she told Karina how betrayed she felt. 

It never crossed her mind how harsh someone with such a calm and sweet disposition could be, but Giselle had managed to take her heart and kick it to the curb that exact moment. 

The japanese girl gave her that smoldering look, before turning to leave. 

V. 

Karina spots Giselle a few weeks later sitting down by a certain river, and she immediately clambers down to where the younger girl sat. 

It was night time then, and the japanese girl’s parents had called Karina concerned about the girl’s whereabouts. It only took a few seconds for the news to sink in before the older girl put on a jacket and headed out to look for Giselle.

“Selle, your parents are looking for you.” Karina muttered, tucking both hands into the pockets of her hoodie. 

The japanese girl jolts up, obviously surprised by the sudden company, but relaxes immediately upon realizing it was just Karina. She turns slightly to acknowledge the older girl’s presence, before looking back at the waters. 

“Giselle?” 

“I’ll call them. I just.. kind of got lost staring at the water.” 

“Right.” Karina chuckled awkwardly, scratching the back of her neck. “So— you’ve been avoiding me.”

“Obviously.”

“..That’s not fair, Selle.” The older girl sighed as she went to sit next to the japanese girl. After plopping down, she turns to stare directly at the japanese girl. “It when we’re not talking.”

“It also hurts knowing you kept such a thing from me, and after all of the plans we’ve made.” Giselle states matter-of-factly, and Karina could only cringe. “I would have been ecstatic, Rina. I would have been so happy for you, and I still am— But it’s a different kind of pain when I’ve gone to believe in the fact that we were going to stay together for longer.” 

“But we CAN stay together for longer, Giselle. It’s only four years.” The older girl breathed out, frustrated. “This is why I was scared of telling you— You never really believed in what we had that much, and I honestly feel like I’m always the one trying.” 

“Then what was the better choice, Rina? Waiting until the last minute before you dump it on me so I won’t have a say of the matter?” Giselle hissed, before shaking her head. “Like I said, I would have understood.” 

“You would have understood, and you would have ended it like you’re ending it right now.” Karina responded sadly, hugging her legs closer. “And I’ve always been scared of you doing that— because you know how much I love you, and what we have.” 

“You don’t get it.” The japanese girl frowned, running a hand through her hair. “You’re scared of losing our relationship, but I’m scared of losing you. How you didn’t even think about telling me about your scholarship until the last moment speaks volumes of how much you don’t trust me. What does that have to say about us? Not as girlfriends, but as friends— best friends.” 

Karina doesn’t respond, only shaking her head as she wiped a stray tear rolling down her cheek. She’d attempt to open to respond, but she’s preoccupied trying to restrain the sobs willing to escape her lips. 

Giselle would only glance at her briefly, a sad expression on her face before wrapping her arms around the older girl. 

That night, they spent a duration of time quietly in each other’s embrace. 

And weirdly enough, Giselle’s hug never failed to make everything seem less worse than it already was. It didn’t feel like an end to what they had, because with Giselle, everything always seemed okay.

VI.

Despite this uncomfortable silence between the two girls, Giselle still agrees to tag along when Karina is dropped off at the airport. The older girl is unable to say anything though, as she is troubled with a lot of things.

It’s in the way that the younger girl cannot bring herself to face Karina that breaks Karina’s heart. Their eyes cannot meet, and it really seemed as if things were going to stay that way from then on. 

Her resolve crumbled a little bit at that, and she wasn’t so sure anymore if what she was doing was the right course of action to commit. Because when Giselle isn’t smiling at her, or encouraging her, or reassuring her, everything starts to seem unachievable. 

When Karina heads off and bids goodbye, her baggage is heavier than it initially came off to be. It was only then that her woes finally got to her, as tears started to trail down her cheeks. 

All of a sudden, she couldn’t breathe. Her heart felt heavy, and her chest felt full in the worst way possible. Her knees were close to giving in, and she chose to take a turn to the closest restroom. 

She’d lock herself in the cubicle, letting all of her pent up tears and frustration out. 

When everything finally dawns on her, and the thought of not having Giselle’s warm smile to remember fondly of, she gets cold feet. Karina isn’t so confident anymore, and it’s as if she was threading a dark path on her own. 

She’d break down, and inevitably miss the flight and the opportunity to fix things with Giselle— her first love, and first heartbreak. 

From then on, she didn’t really think things were going to stay the same. To Karina, life stopped getting better when she lost the younger japanese girl— When she broke the mutual trust they shared, and was too ashamed to apologize and fix things between the two of them. 

She’d then start narrowly avoiding Giselle, unable to face the japanese girl for such a long time. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Karina’s figure fades away into the distance, there’s this empty feeling in Giselle’s chest— one of numbness. Well, she’d been feeling that way since the older girl had broken the news, but it’s more unbearable now as the girl in question had finally gone and left.

She spent a considerable amount of time just staring blankly at God-knows-where, so deep in thought that she’s caught off guard when a stranger plops down next to her. 

“Hi, so. Uh, great weather.” The stranger laughed awkwardly, and from the tone of the person’s voice, she seemed to be a girl. “I know how sad it must be. I just dropped off my friend— her name’s Winter, and she’s going on a flight to Canada.” 

The way the strange girl seemed to launch off into sharing personal information so freely kind of bothered Giselle, but she doesn’t say it. She only chooses to remain silent, not even sparing a glance at the stranger’s direction. 

“I really am going to miss Winter. You know, she was kind of like a role model to me.” The stranger kept going, her tone happy. “Anyway, I know how you’re feeling and.. I kind of thought you might need some company so here I am! The name’s Ningning, by the way.”

With a sigh, Giselle would shake her head. 

“Look, Ningning I—” 

When the japanese girl turns to finally look at the stranger, she is immediately struck with an unfamiliar feeling of fondness and familiarity.