joohyun hits like she’s never done it before.

every punch lands against sooyoung’s face with a sick crunch, and joohyun desperately hopes that she feels every hatred in every throw, every despicable thought that’s resounded in joohyun’s head every time she stares at sooyoung’s back.

“i hate you!” she’d screamed, tackling the red-haired girl to the ground. they were twelve then, with no hope of a way out of this one-horse town. they were children then, and joohyun had realized that she had to cut her out. like stitches from an injury.

she rips every wound out with every punch as the tears start spilling down her face, brought on by sooyoung turning her head and looking her in the eyes.

those dark eyes are so tired, the skin around them bloody and bruised. it’s easy to tell that sooyoung is well-aware of she’s in the losing field this time. it was obvious to them both once joohyun shoved her under the roar of water and straddled her waist, with a first swift punch breaking the bones in her face. joohyun can feel an arm grip hers, weak but persistent. “joohyun,” sooyoung croaks. “joohyun.”

“you can’t do it,” joohyun rolled her eyes, crossing her arms. they were sitting side by side at their tables, the classroom empty with everyone out for recess. “you can’t even throw a proper punch.” she smirks at the other girl’s incessant protests and laughs at sooyoung’s pathetic attempts to smack her.

her laughs die down to a stutter when sooyoung pulls the fabric of her sleeve a little too hard and she almost jumps up in shock at the amount of force, turning around to face sooyoung and- sooyoung is way too close, way too close for comfort. barely brushes the corner of joohyun’s. her eyes are painted with surprise too, but joohyun can only feel her own heart beating. 

she feels sooyoung’s lips curl up against hers. “i can do it.”

the waterfall washes all of sooyoung’s blood away. it’s loud with its rush, almost deafening to the ears, and if joohyun hadn’t paid close attention (but like a echoing thought, she always does), she wouldn’t have heard the painful cough from sooyoung’s chest. she doesn’t stop. she doesn’t stop. sooyoung’s eyes close a little, and she can’t bring herself to stop.

park sooyoung. park sooyoung. park sooyoung.

“park sooyoung wins the fight!” one of the boys had announced. her vision was blurry, and her body was aching lying down on the basketball court, but she could hear everyone erupt into cheers. and she knew it was because she had lost, not because the most hated girl in school had suddenly won the hearts of everyone else.

they were laughing at her. laughing at sooyoung. the both of them.

and as she watches sooyoung walk away, the expanse of her back getting smaller and smaller, something ugly begins to bloom in joohyun’s chest.

“joohyun, stop,” sooyoung’s plead comes out in a laugh, before dying down with blood dribbling down her chin. “stop.”

the waterfall is roaring, and there’s nobody here. no one to watch as joohyun starts to feel the weight of her head descend on her. her punches have become scrabbles at sooyoung’s skin, desperate to inflict any kind of pain she can. desperate for sooyoung to hate her with every scratch.

“why did you come back?” she spits. sooyoung jabs the key inside the lock and begins to turn it, her hands shaking and her eyes frantic. she’s more focused on the task at hand but joohyun needs her to answer.

why do you always come back?

 joohyun asks the question again when they’ve gotten out of the building. the prison started to crumble behind them and they were too exhausted to escape the explosion, but sooyoung wouldn’t stop trying to run. 

joohyun can’t remember anything except that sooyoung was screaming at her as she felt the flames her back, burning it in a way that had her know she wouldn’t ever forget.

when sooyoung lies beside her, body battered and bloody in a field of flowers, that ugly feeling blooms in joohyun’s chest again, as she hears the beginnings of a sentence from the girl’s lips. fingertips brush hers.

“i don’t know,” sooyoung admits in the end, her voice hoarse. “i hate you so much, joohyun, you don’t even know. but every time you up, and you get hurt… i get hurt too.”

her back flickers in pain as sooyoung reaches up within the blink of an eye. joohyun feels it, the feeling of sooyoung’s fist against her cheek, quick before it falls to her side again. the gesture is weak but her cheek still stings. and as much as it’s a failed attempt at trying to get back into the rhythm of this never-ending fight, joohyun knows sooyoung has marked her hers without fail again. 

as weak as the hook is, joohyun knows this of all things. sooyoung would never win a fight against her. not since they were kids and joohyun had torn her out from her life like gauze from blood. 

the day joohyun had left, she’d left sooyoung on the ground, with every bone broken in her body. she knew this would happen. she knew she’d have to cut off any loose ties to get out from a town that hated her already.

she knew she had to do this to sooyoung, and she didn’t even like her then. 

so why did she look back?

maybe if she didn’t, sooyoung’s eyes wouldn’t have grown so bright with that ugly flame of determination in them. maybe if she didn’t, sooyoung would have realized joohyun didn’t mean it that night when they were even younger and she’d kissed her on the cheek, feet dangling by the swings. maybe if she didn’t, joohyun wouldn’t have to face the fact that she just made the biggest mistake in her life.

“i hate you,” sooyoung coughs again. “i hate you so much.” those coughs begin to bubble into a laugh and the blaze in her eyes is dying, giving into the dark of her irises. joohyun crumbles in an instant.

she grips sooyoung’s collar as tight as she can and falls against her torso, the impact of the action making her body ache. sobs wrack her frame as she cries into sooyoung’s shoulder, letting her tears stain the fabric of her sleeve. and within every gasp of breath she takes is an apology for every scar she’s cut on sooyoung’s body, the marks cruel and unforgettable for what sooyoung has done to her in return.

“you threw us away!” sooyoung shouts, the tears b at the edge of her eyelids. her arm quivers as she tries to force the dagger down joohyun’s eye, only stopped by joohyun’s own hand gripping hers. “you threw us away so you could get out of there, you didn’t think we were worth it.”

behind the sentence is a question joohyun can never answer.

“you were baggage,” she tells her instead, tone dead and flat. she almost laughs at how ironic it is to the feeling in her chest, alive and ugly and wanting. “you’d drag me down like all the others.”

by the end of it, sooyoung gives joohyun one of her most frustrating scars — a small cut on her cheekbone, barely visible except when close up with someone else. and joohyun knows far too well the only person she’d let past her defenses like that.

in her patronising weeps for a friendship long lost, the words never come out anyway. but sooyoung doesn’t question it, choosing to stay in her supine position. she lets the waterfall’s stray drops beat against her face and joohyun’s sobs soak into her skin, and her laugh never stops. “joohyun,” her voice is crystal clear, honey running down the edges. “joohyun.”

five years of running away and chasing after, and joohyun still doesn’t know why they can’t get this over with.

the day stretches on, lonely and looming. in the midst of the hour, her heart calms for the first time around sooyoung, beating slowly against the girl. she slips into unconsciousness before one of them can decide what to do next with the other.