ALMOST

 

 

 

“I’m leaving.”

 

“What?” Woojin took his eyes off from the report he had been typing on his laptop and glanced at Chan who was standing in front of him.

 

“I’m going back home… I’m going back to Australia.”

 

Woojin paused for a moment, carefully thinking what suddenly brought up the sudden vacation plan. An ominous thought flashed at the back of his mind gave him a freezing chill for a fleeting second but he ignored it and smiled instead.

 

“Okay… I’m sure you missed your family so much. Have you booked your flight?  Are you going to—”

 

“Woojinie, I think I’m going to stay there for a while…” Chan cut him off, face hard and shaded.

 

“Oh.” Woojin's tone deflated like a balloon. He closed off his laptop and turned his attention fully to Chan. “How… how long is that?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“You don’t know?” Woojin asked flatly as he stared at Chan’s solemn face. Tensed silence passed between the two but no answer came. There was a sudden drop in mood and temperature in the room as Woojin’s line of thought arrived at the destination of where this conversation was going. “So, is this… are you breaking up with me now?”

 

Chan shook his head. “I’m not sure. I don’t know.”

 

“The fact that you’re bringing this up to me now, I think we both know that’s not true.”

 

Chan flinched at the Woojin’s sharp voice as if he had been cut. He stared at Woojin in bleeding silence before he dropped his gaze to his feet.

 

“I guess, I shouldn’t have asked.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Why?” Woojin asked, eyes snapping heatedly at Chan. “Why are you doing this? Is this about—”

 

“Yes,” Chan cut him off, his weak voice quivered through space between them. “This is about my dream… This is about how much of a failure I am. I just don’t think I can stay here anymore.”

 

The storm on Woojin’s eyes dissolve into drizzle during a sunny day when he heard the defeat on Chan’s voice. Ever since they the two of them first met, seven years ago, Chan had been very vocal about his love for music and of his dream of becoming an artist that make and produced his own songs. It was like it was the only thing that Chan has envisioned himself doing for all his life. Woojin had witnessed it his own eyes on how Chan struggled on achieving the only thing that he wanted the most. He decided on not going to university and focus on his craft. He’d gone to countless audition and training. He’d received a fair share of acceptance and rejection. Woojin was there when Chan had finally managed to get accepted to an agency and he saw how Chan glowed in happiness as he come a step closer to his dream. But the sea between Chan and his dream was not always calm and serene. Sometimes, it was full of angry waves, harsh winds and murky waters and Chan’s boat was always fighting its way to keep afloat. There were delays, there were evaluations and risk of elimination that punched holes on Chan’s boat until finally, half way on his journey, it sank deep in the cold bottomless ocean.

 

Woojin sighed as he stood and faced Chan. He reached out, grabbing Chan on both of his shoulder. “You’re not a failure and I’ll never see you as one,” he said.

 

“But I do.” Chan lifted his gaze and met the calm conviction on Woojin’s brown ones. “You know how hard I tried, how long I waited, how many sleepless nights and how much I put into this for the sake of achieving my dreams. But I’m so exhausted now. It has been 7 years. I feel like I’m starting to lose myself little by little as I chased this stupid dream. I don’t even know who am I right now. I don’t think I will ever make it or be what I wanted to be. Even if I did, will it be worth it? Will I be as happy as I thought I would be?”

 

“So, you’re just going to give up then? You’re just going to run away? How could that be the solution?”

 

“I know it’s not but I could not stay here anymore. I feel so suffocated. This whole place, this whole city, anywhere I look reminds of how much I failed, how stupid and pathetic I am. I just can’t…stay here anymore.”

 

“What about me then?” Woojin asked, tasting his bitterness from his mouth down to his throat. He peered at Chan with flickering light of dying stars on his eyes. “Is that the reason that you want to end everything with me? Because I don’t understand why you have to give up on me too. I never… I will never give up on you, you know that.”

 

“I know. I know it more than anyone else.” Chan reached out and grabbed Woojin’s calloused hands. He gave is a tender squeeze as he traced the scars of the guitar strings on his fingers. “That’s why I’m so ashamed every time I look at you. I feel like I’m dragging you down with me, that you’re suffering all the things that you didn’t deserve because of me. You still have a great future ahead of you while I’m just worthless excuse of a person.”

 

Tears cascaded down Chan’s beautiful face like the curtains at the end of a play and Woojin was left to stare at the broken and vulnerable mess in front of him. It seemed that Chan had been hoarding all this poisonous thoughts and sadness for a long time and now he was finally letting himself to bleed it all out. It was like a stab of a blunt object to Woojin’s chest that Chan decided to keep all of this from him. It made Woojin wanting to shoot himself that he did not noticed that something like this is eating his Chan away. His Chan.

   

“I love you, Chan,” Woojin says softly, reaching to out to Chan’s face to wipe the tears streaming down his cheeks. “I never see you as worthless or undeserving. I want you to know that. The only future I wanted is the one with you. So, please don’t give up on me… Don’t give up on us.”

 

Something hollow and cold knocked Woojin off when Chan turned his face away from his hand.

 

“I’m sorry… I tried, Woojinie. I tried so hard but I can’t stop myself from feeling this way. I just can’t. I just can’t stay here in this place. It’s getting so hard for me to breathe here. I just can’t stay here… with you.”

 

Woojin was no more a stranger on how painful heartbreak was. His life was not always full of glittering rainbows and sunshine all the time. He experienced his fair share of things that haunts him at night. The same goes with his relationship with Chan. They had a lot of shortcomings and nasty fallout that made him cursed, screamed and cry. But every time, no matter what happened, they would eventually pick up their broken pieces together along with all their cuts and bruises.

 

Because they love each other.

 

However, this time, witnessing how Chan could not even looked at Woojin, hearing him say that he could not stay here with him, seeing the agony on Chan’s eyes when he said how difficult it was for him to breathe here, did more than breaking his heart. Woojin shook in agony as his heart and his insides were all being shredded into pieces. Helplessness covered his body like a second skin like he was suddenly pushed into dark churning water and he was drowning and gasping for air. He was out of oxygen and words even though there were millions of things storming his muddled mind that he wanted to say. There were millions of reasons that he wanted Chan to hear and understand. But he was suddenly crippled by the fear of not saying it right. Chan was slipping from away from Woojin’s grasp like water. All Woojin wanted on that moment is for Chan to stay.

 

With him…

 

“Is there something that I can say that would make you change your mind?” Woojin pleadingly asked, begging for one miraculous chance, a stray tear escaping his warm brown eyes. “I can say anything. I will do everything, Chan… for you. Please, all you had to do is tell me.”

 

When Chan finally met his gaze again, Woojin knew that he had lost his chance, he had lost his love.

 

“I love you, Woojin, my cute little bear,” Chan said, a faint smile of resounding defeat lingering on his lips. He cupped Woojin’s face for the last time, memorizing all the lines of his handsome face. “I’m so lucky that you love me with all of you no matter how much of a mess I am. I don’t know if I will ever be lucky enough to experience another love as wonderful as the one, I have with you.” Chan wiped the tears on Woojin’s cheek with his thumb. “But I don’t’ think that it would be fair for you to shoulder all of my baggage that I could not even deal myself. I’m sorry.”

 

Woojin did not say anything for a long while, Chan’s words echoing in thousand voices in his head. This was his last chance to stare at Chan’s droopy eyes, at his adorable dimples, at his stupid and beautiful curly hair.

 

“Can I hug you?” Woojin finally asked.

 

Chan blinked confusedly for a moment, surprised by the tangent request. He nodded and mumbled a weak, “Of course.”

 

With all the reason that aching on his chest, Woojin closed the distance between them, arms encircling around Chan tightly. He buried his face on his hair and breathe in the all too familiar smell of the man he had known for seven exquisite years. The man that he loves the most.

 

“Chan…” Woojin whispered on Chan’s ears. “I’m hoping that one day you would look back and see how far you’ve come. I’m hoping that you would see that there’s no point for you to give up on your dreams… because you’re almost there.” Woojin slowly let go, as he tenderly kissed Chan on top of his head.

 

Chan looked at Woojin with a broken hope glistening on his eyes that Woojin almost thought, for few deceiving seconds that Chan had changed his mind and tell him that he would stay with him.

 

But it never came.

 

“Even after that I hurt you, you still wanted to make me feel better. How did I deserve you?” Chan chuckled self-deprecatingly on his poor attempt of lightening up the situation. “I would never be enough for you.”

 

“No,” Woojin shook his head and smiled hopelessly at Chan. “I think it was the other way around, Chan. You’re more than enough for me. I’m the one who is not enough for you.”

 

  Not enough for you to stay…

 

 

~0~

 

 

The stadium flashed vibrant of multicolored lights as the whole concert grounds shook as the fans chanted their names. Chan had lost count how much he bowed and thanked all the people came to the very first concert of his group named 3RACHA. He could not believe that he finally made it. It felt so unreal that after all the hardships, gruesome and sleepless nights, and countless of harsh criticism and rejections, the dream he has since he was old enough to dream was now tangible and in his grasp. Chan knew that this was only the start. He would make sure that there will be more people that will hear their music, his music. The craft he honed all throughout his life.

 

“That was a great show, guys!” The ecstatic voice of their manager boomed as soon as they stepped out of the podium.

 

“What else would it be? All our shows will be awesome because I would be in it.” Jisung puffed his chest with pride.

 

Changbin rolled his eyes. “When will you ever stopped spouting such nonsense?”

 

“When will you ever stopped being bitter?” Jisung retorted.

 

Chan shook his head and chuckled. He approached the bickering members of 3RACHA and ruffled their hair before he encircled his arms around them.

 

“When will the two of you ever stopped bickering?” Chan grinned at them.

 

Jisung glared at Changbin briefly before he pouted at Chan. “But Chan hyung, he started it!”

 

“I’m just stating facts.” Changbin crossed his arms.

 

“C’mon you two, shouldn’t we celebrate the success of our first concert?” Chan glanced at the other two.

 

The three of them looked at each other until their face broke into three identical grins.

 

“Hell, yes!”

 

So, they went to their favorite chicken and barbeque restaurant that they manager reserved for them. They talked, laughed and shared their experiences and feelings while they were on stage. They ate like there was no tomorrow. They sang, joked around and played some games with the staffs. And of course, this would not be a celebration without some soju and beer involved. Although Chan stopped after a few shots when his sense of being the Dad of the group kicked in. Jisung and Changbin were already handful when sober and when both drunk, they could wreak havoc when left unattended. Chan knew that he needed to take the responsibility of looking out for his younger members tonight.

 

It was almost one in the morning when Chan had put down and tucked in both Jisung and Changbin to their bed in their own rooms. Chan wiped an imaginary sweat on his forehead as after the whole ordeal before scurrying over his own room. He was starting to feel the toll of this memorable day on his body so after washing off his face and brushing his teeth he went straight to his bed.

 

Although his body was totally exhausted, his mind and heart were not. Chan laid there on his bed, unmoving, with wide eyes, staring at his dull ceiling as he replayed the events of the evening. The loud booming music, the flashing lights, the sound of the audience singing to their songs and screaming their names. Up until now, Chan could not still believe it, that he made it. He could only think of one word that could describe what he was feeling. It was surreal. Chan never imagined that he would ever be this happy after all the he’d been through. Chan was so truly damn happy. But despite all the happiness and fulfillment of finally achieving the things that he had only been dreaming before, there was still this void on his heart that he could not be filled by his achievements. A bottomless hole Chan dug by himself when he left three years ago, a missing piece that only someone that he knew could complete.

 

  Woojin.

 

Three excruciating years had passed since the day Chan last saw him. It had been three long years but he could still remember everything perfectly, from the day that they first met to the day they had their first kiss until the day that Chan turned tail and ended everything between them. There hasn’t been a day that he never regretted what he did that day and beat himself up for being stupid and hurting the person who did nothing but support him and love him unconditionally. Because Chan knew that he would not feel so alone right now if Woojin was here. He would not be desperately searching for his face on the crowd a while ago. If Woojin was here, he would be there in the front row, staring at Chan with pride in his eyes and giving him his signature ‘Chanie-I’m-right-here’ smile. If Woojin was here, he would be hugging Chan right now, humming an unknown lullaby as he whispers fondly on Chan’s hair, ‘You did well, Chanie’ over and over again until he fell asleep. If Woojin was here, everything would have been perfect. He would be absolutely happy, complete and contented.

 

But Woojin was not here.

 

Chan would do anything just be with Woojin again but it had been a year since he came back to Korea and he still had no idea where his Woojin was. He left their previous apartment. He left the academy where the part timed as vocal instructor while he finished his degree in music education. Their mutual friends did not know where did he go. Chan could not even reach him through his phone. Chan had gone through all their favorite places. During his days off, Chan would frequent the park or the music store that Woojin loves to visit hoping that for the off-c