Yesung is having a shower and he is running a washcloth over his skin when he suddenly feels some lump in his left . Yesung frowned and touched his right but he found nothing. Maybe that he would find another lump if Kibum hasn’t disturbed him.

“Mommy!”

Yesung chuckled and turned off the water. He wraps a towel around his waist and another one around his wet hair.

“Coming!”

Almost one-year-old Kibum is waiting in his crib where his mommy put him to have a shower. Now the boy’s patience is gone and he wants to play. Luckily for him, his mommy appeared and picked him up.

“Did you miss me?”

Kibum giggled when Yesung kissed his small cheeks and then he is carried downstairs where Yesung sat him down in a corner of the living room where are his toys. Kibum is playing while his mommy sits next to him and builds towers from wooden blocks and the baby is ruining them. It is almost dinner time and they soon hear a car stopping in front of the house. 

“Dada!”

The little boy got up as fast as he can and runs on his chubby legs to the front door to greet his daddy. Siwon immediately smiled after seeing his son who is making grabby hands toward him. He quickly picked him up and hugs him before taking off his coat and shoes. Kibum is babbling something and slobbers on his daddy who is only smiling happily and kissed the cheek of his husband. Yesung goes to put their dinner on plates and Siwon goes upstairs where he put Kibum down on their huge bed. The baby is curiously bouncing on his padded bum and watches his daddy who is changing his clothes. Siwon finished putting on a T-shirt and shorts and then jumped on the bed next to his baby. Siwon can’t get enough of their cute son and started to tickle his little tummy. Kibum is giggling and peed in his diaper so Siwon stopped tickling him and went in his nursery. He changed him and then they hear Yesung who is calling them for dinner. 

Siwon sat Kibum in his highchair and then sat down too. Yesung started to eat his chicken and feeds Kibum who is clapping his hands between bites of rice. The proud parents are smiling and cooing on their baby and play with his tiny chubby fingers and toes. Kibum is a very good boy, he eats everything his parents give him, he can play on his own for a short time and also sleeps much longer without crying. Even if he misbehaves it is easy for them to forgive Kibum, his adorable expression when he says mommy or daddy is enough to melt their hearts.  After the dinner, Siwon made a bowl of popcorn for Yesung and the TV. He is watching some cartoons with Kibum and now Siwon will do some chores. He put dishes in the dishwasher and then started to iron some freshly washed clothes. He likes to help Yesung who is in charge of taking care of their son and house. He wants to take some of the duties from Yesung who must be tired.

It is almost Kibum’s bedtime so Yesung picked him up and takes his baby upstairs to have a bath. He pulled out a small bathtub for babies and filled it with warm water. He checked the temperature before sitting Kibum inside. Yesung and Siwon know that it is important to speak on their baby to provide him the best development so Yesung keeps speaking with Kibum who is making some soft noises while smiling on his mommy. Siwon joined them in the bathroom and tickles chubby legs off his cute son. He is thanking God every day that he found Yesung who gave him Kibum. Soon he is a clean baby again and Siwon wrapped him in a towel with yellow ducks. He carries the baby in his nursery and diapered him and put on a pajama. Yesung is ready for evening feeding so he ed his shirt and takes Kibum from Siwon’s hands. Yesung positioned his son on his chest and Kibum pressed his tiny hand on Yesung’s warm chest and on his to get the delicious milk. Siwon kissed Yesung and watches their little hungry son. Kibum’s eyes are closing and Yesung burped him before pushing a pacifier between his lips. They slowly go upstairs and laid their little sunshine in his crib. Yesung kissed his small forehead and smiled before they leave the nursery. Siwon takes a shower and Yesung is already tucked in their bed. 

They are both tired - Siwon from his work and Yesung from taking care of their son and house. Siwon really wanted to find a cleaning woman but Yesung said no and he didn’t want to force him.

The next morning Yesung decided to see mister Park who is his doctor because the lump in his scared him. He doesn’t know what it is and he is sure that it wasn’t there before. Siwon is in his office so he dressed Kibum and then himself. Yesung is pushing the stroller with the baby and put a face mask over his nose and mouth so Kibum won’t get sick in the big hospital full of ill people and germs. He entered the hospital and goes to sit in front of the office of his doctor. This man has been his doctor for more than ten years and he took care of Yesung during his pregnancy so they have quite close relationship. He makes time for his favorite patient and Yesung pushed the stroller inside the doctor’s office. The man immediately jumped out of his chair and kneeled down in front of the stroller.

“This is your son?! Ohh babies are growing up so quickly!”

The man cooed on the cute boy and then turned to his mother.

“You called and said that you found a lump in your .”

Yesung nodded and the doctor told him to take off his clothes. Yesung changed into a hospital gown and then doctor Park asked him to lift his arms. He is examining Yesung’s s and frowned.

“Does it hurt?”

Yesung shakes his head no and focuses on Kibum because this isn’t very pleasant.

“No, the lump doesn’t hurt. I just found it weird.”

The doctor nodded and tries to smile.

“We are going to do a mammogram to be sure, okay?”

Yesung nodded and a nurse stays with his son while the doctor leaded Yesung in a room with the mammography machine. He is standing in front of the machine and place his on an X-ray plate. A plastic paddle gently compress his until taut and told Yesung to be as calm as possible to get the best pictures. Yesung only nodded and tries to take deep breaths. This is going to take only 5-10 minutes and then he is going to be with his baby. 

Yesung is nervous and tries to suppress his tears. He isn’t stupid, he knows that it is bad because the doctor looks serious. The machine finally freed his and doctor Park leaded him back in his office while he goes to speak with one of his colleagues. Yesung is watching his sleeping son and wants to have Siwon on his side. He didn’t think that it is going to be something serious so he didn’t tell him about the lump. Yesung is bitting nail on his thumb and suddenly the door opened. Doctor Park and some other doctor walked inside and sat down. Doctor Park takes hand off his patient and looks in Yesung’s face which is screwed up with fear.

“The lump in your is a tumor. Yesung, you have cancer.”

.

.

.

Siwon was in middle of a business meeting when his phone started to buzz. He sees that their doctor is calling him and doesn’t care about judging face of the people around and picked up the call. 

Everyone is watching how face of Choi Siwon paled and the man’s eyes get filled with tears and fear. 

“I am on my way.”

They are watching in disbelief how their boss jumped up and left his things on the desk. Siwon is running to elevators and his secretary is running behind him to ask what is happening. Siwon doesn’t care about her and almost broke down in the elevator. He knows that it is useless to drive because Seoul’s traffic is terrible so he decided to run all the way in the hospital. Siwon is sweating in his Gucci suit but finally stormed in the hospital hall. He is panicking and runs to find office of doctor Park. The nurse is trying to stop him from barge in the office but he needs to see Yesung. He runs inside and tries to catch his breath while staring on doctor Park who is holding his crying son while sickly pale Yesung is lying on an examination table.

“What …?”

Doctor Park put the baby down and helped Siwon to sit down. He explained that Yesung fainted and then told him the reason. cancer. The diagnosis is resonating in his head and Siwon feels a huge pressure squeezing his chest.

“But … he is fine.”

Doctor Park patted Siwon’s back and started to explain that the tumor wasn’t causing pain to his husband but it was silently growing up in his body.

“The tumor is in both of his s but we still have a big chance to treat it.”

Siwon looked on mister Park and wants to believe to this kind doctor. They are silently staring on each other before hearing a silent groan coming from Yesung who woke up. They hurry to him and Yesung started to cry after seeing his husband. Doctor Park gives them privacy and left while they are hugging. Kibum is distressed by the fact that his mommy is crying so he started to cry too. Siwon quickly picked up their son and Yesung cries more after seeing his baby. What if he doesn’t make it? What if he loses this battle? Even with the best possible care there isn’t written in stone that he are going to survive.

They are discussing their next moves. The treatment must start soon to prevent extension of the cancer.

“We will start with chemotherapy and its success is going to decide if you need a surgery.”

Siwon nodded and clutches Yesung’s small hand. Siwon can’t imagine losing his husband and he is going to do everything to get him the best care. They drive home and Yesung put Kibum in his crib. He is watching his baby and Heechul come to visit them. He immediately senses that something is wrong and then Siwon told him the news. Heechul is comforting him but then hurries upstairs in Kibum’s nursery. Yesung is kneeling next to the crib and holds hand of his son while crying. He lifted his head and Heechul weakly smiled on him. 

“We are going to kick of the stupid cancer.”

Heechul hugged him and they sit down on the floor. Yesung hided in Heechul’s arms and cries while holding his shirt. He is so scared. His baby, his husband, everything can be gone so easily. The poor man cried himself to sleep and then Heechul tucked him in the bed. He needs to help them, Siwon and the baby need someone to take care of them when Yesung can’t. So it is up to Heechul.

He goes downstairs and speaks with Siwon who is also crying. He is scared and so worried, his husband is maybe going to die. Cancer isn’t fun, they have money for the best treatment but even the best doctor can’t make 100% sure that Yesung is going to survive this. Their doctor arranged a meeting with a very famous and good oncologist and in two days they head in his office. The doctor introduced himself as mister Oh and his friendly and kind approach is making Yesung less worried. He said few options how to cure Yesung and explained advantages and disadvantages of every possible treatment. Yesung and Siwon don’t know what to choose so they say that mister Oh should choose what is the best in his eyes. The doctor thinks for a while and then says his tip.

“Every treatment has lots of side effects such as hot flashes or loss of fertility. On the other hand the kind of treatment I suggest for you has the best results.”

Siwon and Yesung agree and doctor Oh told them to come back tomorrow to start the treatment. 

They drive home where is Siwon’s mom looking after Kibum but she left to not cry in front of Yesung. They are both depressed enough without more crying people. Yesung silently picked up his little son and sits on the couch in the living room. He is holding Kibum in his arms and started to rock back and forth while kissing the baby from time to time. Siwon hugs him and repeats that they can’t give up, they need to hope and believe. During the night Yesung can’t sleep. He is staring on his husband who is asleep and then aimlessly wanders around their dark house. Yesung hopes that he will beat the cancer but he needs to make sure that Kibum and Siwon are going to be fine in case he dies. He goes in the living room and started to write a letter. In the letter is written how his funeral should look like, there is also a long message for his mother and brother. Next paper is full of instructions for Heechul, he can believe that his cheeky friend will make sure that Siwon and Kibum are okay. Next he writes a very long letter for Siwon. Yesung is crying while writing how much he loves him and their son and expressed his wish that Siwon should find a new mother for Kibum. The last letter is the hardest. Yesung started to write a letter for Kibum. His son maybe won’t remember him if he dies but the boy needs to know how much his mother loved him.

It took him three hours to write everything he feels and it drained him. Yesung goes back upstairs and laid down in the bed. This time he is too tired to keep his eyes open and fell asleep almost immediately when his head touched the pillow. The next morning Yesung woke up and smells a delicious scent in the air. Siwon already cooked a breakfast for them and feeds Kibum. Heechul came to look after the cute boy and his parents left. Siwon drives to the hospital and goes with Yesung. They entered a big room with lots of nurses rushing around patients who are also receiving treatment. There are many comfy armchairs which are divined from other patients by colorful curtains. Doctor Oh came to cheer up the couple and then Siwon grabs the hand of his partner while a nurse inserts the catheter in Yesung’s hand. Small drops of chemical substances are dripping through the plastic catheter in a vein in Yesung’s hand and he is surprised that he feels no pain or discomfort. He thought that he will be in pain almost immediately after first drops of the chemical mix entered his body but he feels okay. It takes an hour until all of the drugs disappeared in his body and then they can head home. Yesung feels quite good. He was expecting that pain will come almost immediately but he is fine. His worst worries came true tomorrow.

Yesung woke up in the middle of the night and ran into their bathroom. His stomach hurts and he sat down on the toilet just in time when a mess gushed out of his body. Yesung moaned in pain and clutches his belly. He has never been in such big pain, not even after giving birth. Suddenly the door opened and pale Siwon kneeled down next to him. He doesn’t mind the strong odor and back of his husband. Yesung bursts into tears and hides his face in his hands.

“We are going to defeat the stupid cancer.”

Siwon holds Yesung’s hand and they cry together. Siwon knows that they can give up, they have only started but where he should find the strength?

The morning is even worse. Yesung woke up with a headache and feels a sore spot on his hard palate. He slowly walks downstairs where is his mother. She sadly smiled on her son and tears filled her eyes. Yesung silently sits down and grabs the small hand of his son. Little Kibum doesn’t know what is happening to his mother, he doesn’t understand why are the adults around him so sad. Yesung his son’s hair and tries to remember every tiny detail on his perfect son. He knows that Siwon is going to take the best care about him but Yesung still wants more time with him. They eat their breakfast and then decided to go out for a while. However, Yesung can’t walk any longer after walking only for few minutes. HIs mom continues their walk with Kibum in his stroller while Siwon takes Yesung back home. He prayed that his husband won’t be in pain, that the drugs will cancer in his body but Yesung won’t suffer so much. Right now Siwon can see a real proof that his prayers didn’t work. Yesung is lying in their bed and squirms in pain while clutching his stomach. He is vomiting in a bucket which Siwon put next to their bed and his husband is wiping his face and mouth with a towel and cold water. 

Yesung still feels weak and it is already time for second round of chemotherapy. This time Heechul goes with him and holds his hand during the process. They don’t speak, Heechul is only holding Yesung’s hand and occasionally coaxed him into taking a sip of water. It lasts for two hours and Yesung is sleeping for most of the time. Heechul has lots of time to look around on the other patients who are battling with cancer in different places in their bodies and thinks about Yesung. Siwon said that he has a big chance to survive this but Heechul is a pessimist. Cancer kills so many people every day, why should Yesung survive? Because he has a small son? No, when Death comes for you then nothing can change it. Heechul drives Yesung home and tucked him in his bed because he is fatigue. Yesung is wrapped in the warm blankets but still can’t fell asleep. Heechul sees him struggling so he lay next to him and started to his hair. In few minutes Yesung dozed off and Heechul just listens to his soft breathing and occasional whines. He is trying to imagine how does it feel to lose someone really important but then stopped because otherwise he is going to cry.

Siwon has never imagined Yesung like this, not even in his darkest nightmares. They are in third week of the therapy and Yesung doesn’t walk any longer. He spends his days in bed with many blankets surrounding him. Every piece of his body hurts and the mouth sores make him mute. It is just hurts too much to move his tongue. What is worse Kibum is now scared of his mother. It is breaking Yesung’s heart that Kibum doesn’t want to cuddle with him anymore and no one knows why. The kid maybe senses that his mom is sick and feels scared but no matter how they try to convince him to be with his mom, the boy always starts to cry. Only time when Yesung can hold him is when Kibum sleeps. It means that Siwon will carefully bring their son to Yesung who cradles him for few silent minutes. Yesung doesn’t want to say it on loud but his hopes are slowly vanishing. He feels so weak but doctor Oh still doesn’t have good news for them. Yesung isn’t sure if he can fight any longer. He is just tired but also scared that if he closes his eyes, then he might not wake up.

Everyone is slowly losing their minds and doctor Oh suggested mastectomy. The tumor is a bit smaller but it stopped responding to the treatment so the surgery might be risky but also life saving. Doctor Oh set a date of the mastectomy and it comes so fast that they can’t believe it. The hospital room is quite small with pastel pink walls and two beds. There is an elderly lady who is also waiting for the same surgery. She has no family so she came five days sooner. Siwon unpacked Yesung’s things and wants to stay with him longer but Yesung’s mom came and he left them alone. Kibum is sleeping in his stroller and Yesung holds him while his brown hair. He is so scared. Fear is choking him and he can’t breath. He is feeling sick and weak but he would rather run away than waiting here for the surgery. Kibum doesn’t cry and sits in his mom’s lap while Yesung kissed his cheeks few times. Doctor Oh told him that he has pretty big chance to make it but even the doctor is worried. Yesung is weak and the surgery is hard, there is always a chance that something will go wrong and the patient is going to die under his hands. The doctor knows that he is standing between Yesung and Death and he is going to do his best. Not like he isn’t doing his best every time but he is attached to the pretty male. 

After two hours Yesung and Siwon are alone. Even the lady went for a short walk around the hospital park. They are sitting in silence and hold hands. Siwon asked doctor Oh how big is Yesung’s chance to survive this and the doctor told him the truth after long hesitating. 50/50. 50 percent that Yesung will be okay. That isn’t much. Siwon can’t force himself to say this to Yesung so he is only sitting there and tightly holds his hand.

“I won't be able to feed your second child.”

Siwon sighed because he really wished to have many kids. Now his dreams look so useless when he was on verge of losing Yesung. In few hours he can be dead.

“There are more ways how to feed a baby, don’t worry about it.”

He smiled on his husband and his small hand.

“What if I am already infertile?”

This is like a bomb. A possible side effect can be infertility and Yesung sees it as a betrayal. His own body is stopping him from being happy, to bear another baby. Yesung feels that he failed Siwon who always wanted to have a big family. 

“It doesn’t matter, I will rather give up on my dreams.”

Siwon hugs Yesung and they stay like that until a nurse came and said that Siwon has to leave now. Yesung is alone in the room and the lady came back. They are lying in their beds in the dark room and Yesung started to cry. He is trying to muffle his sobs with his hand but the lady heard him. She slowly pulled away the curtain which is separating their beds and looks on him.

“Sorry that I woke you up.”

Yesung turns his back to her because he feels bad for crying like this. He can’t be weak right now. He has to pick up every tiny bit of strength in his body to fight hard for the last time. She isn’t mad. She feels sorry for him. He is young, he has a handsome husband and cute child and yet he is so close to dying. She is older, she has no family and doesn’t feel scared. She takes her life as it its. 

“You have someone who loves you and need you. That will give you strength, just think about your family. Nothing else.”

Yesung sniffled a bit and tries it. He thinks about Kibum who must be sleeping right now. Their baby is so cute, he is the most behaved baby. Kibum eats so well that his cheeks are chubby and he looks like a small hamster. It really works because Yesung calmed down after imagining his baby and fell asleep. 

The surgery is schedule to an early hour and Yesung can’t eat or drink. A nurse woke him up and an anesthetist came with doctor Oh. Siwon is also here and holds his hand while the doctor checks Yesung’s condition. He is ready for the surgery and Siwon pressed one last kiss on his cheek before the anesthetist stabbed a needle in Yesung’s arm. The man started to feel sleepy after few seconds but then something flashed in his head. 

“Wait! I have a small mole on my left , can it stay?”

Doctor Oh smiled while nodding and Yesung can calm down. He fell asleep and a nurse started to wheel the stretcher toward an operating theater. Siwon can’t go with them and he can only sit and wait. Yesung’s mom, Siwon’s mom, Heechul and Kibum came and together they wait for some news. Siwon is nervously playing with his hands and watches the hands on a clock slowly moving. Doctor Oh said that it is going to take around three hours and he kept his promise. A nurse wheeled the stretcher out of the operating theater and the family jumped to her. Yesung is lying on the stretcher with a white blanket covering his legs. An oxygen mask is strapped to his face and covers his nose and mouth and thick bandages are wrapped around his chest. Siwon grabs his hand and holds Kibum on his hip. The baby is looking on his mommy and makes grabby hands toward Yesung. Doctor Oh is flooded with questions and let the nurse to take Yesung in his room. He should wake up in few hours, until then he can rest. Painkillers are flowing in his body so he won’t feel the burning pain in the stitches. 

Yesung opened his eyes to dark evening. He is still sleepy but his thirsty forces him to stay awake. He looked around the room and suddenly Siwon appeared in front of him. His husband placed a straw between his dry lips and Yesung takes a long sip of the cold water. He feels a bit better but now he realized the pain in his chest. His head hurts too much to look down on his chest and his arms feel heavy to touch the sore place. Siwon his cheek but suddenly the door flies open and Heechul stormed inside.

“He is awake and no one called me?!”

Heechul kissed Yesung on cheek and smiles. Doctor Oh came and checks up Yesung. Everything went really well and the cancer cells were removed. Siwon is smiling so wide that his cheeks hurt but words can’t describe this feeling. A nurse pulled out a bra which has weird yellow color, it looks like urine. 

“In two weeks you will be ready to wear this special bra which will keep the sores places comfortable.”

Heechul frowned on the special bra because of the ugly color.

“You are giving him this piece of ?!”

Heechul takes the bra with a disgusted face and frowned on the doctor.

“He should feel confident after such surgery! I am going to buy him something better.”

Heechul is hurrying away and they don’t have time to stop it. This is Heechul’s way how to fix things when one of his friends feel sick or sad - he will pamper them. He feels that Yesung is seeing himself as ugly and the bra would make his self-confidence even smaller so he needs to buy him some really pretty one. Now the man is running around Seoul like a maniac and Siwon has some peaceful moment with his husband.

“How are you feeling?”

Yesung is still a bit dazed and his slow brain can’t describe the feeling in his tired body. Siwon kissed his pale forehead and told him to rest for a bit more. Yesung is glad and closed his tired eyes. When Heechul came he doesn’t wake him up to show him the new bra and simply put the bag on the nightstand. 

Yesung has to stay in the hospital for three more days so the doctor can be sure that he is doing good after the surgery and that they really removed every bad cell. Yesung can’t wait to be at home again, his comfortable bed is waiting for him. He can play with Kibum and cook delicious meals for his family and greet his husband after he comes home from his office. Yesung is almost crying with happiness. In a while, they are going home and Yesung went to use the toilet while Siwon is packing his things. All the flowers which he got are staying in the room, even the ones in flowerpots, for the nice lady because she received nothing. At least the room will be a bit more colorful. Yesung is standing in the small bathroom and thinks if he should look. He avoided looking on his chest but the nurse told him that he has to change the bandages to keep the wounds clean. Yesung ed his shirt and stares on the white bandages which are around his chest. He started to untie the bandages and after a moment two cotton pads appeared. The pads are sticked to his chest with big pieces of tape. Yesung thickly swallowed and slowly removed the pads. Two long scars appeared. They also have some tape on them and the skin is red and swollen. Yesung chokes on his sobs because this is disgusting. He is disgusting. Yesung quickly put clean cotton pads on the scars but his hands are shaking too much. Siwon softly knocked on the door and walked inside.

“Everything all right?”

Siwon stands next to his husband and gently puts pieces of the tape on the cotton pads. He smiles on Yesung and takes gauze roll. He wraps the gauze around Yesung’s slim chest and his hair. 

“Ready to go home? Heechul is probably throwing a party in our house despite my ban.”

Yesung laughs with tears in his eyes. What would he do without Siwon? Siwon is someone who is always there for him, someone who always helps him back on his feet. Yesung pressed his forehead on Siwon’s strong chest and breathes in the nice cologne. Everything is going to be fine, his body just needs couple of months to get better and then they can try to have another baby.