The warm spring passes

The summer night memories, like a rain shower

When autumn came, we were next to the bonfire

And even how I held your frozen hands in the winter

Remember it all

I want to be with you, with the you through all the seasons

 

Summer

Immaculate, snow white sneakers struck the pavement in a steady rhythm. The sun was out, scorching the city, driving most indoors to their air conditioning. Not Minji. She was out, running, sweating, and breathing hard amongst the sweltering mirages on the street. 

“,” she mumbled under her breath in between gasps of air, hands on her knees. 

It . She hated running, but with the correct diet  she could improve stamina and burn calories while preventing increased muscle mass. A combination essential for the lithe, perfect, kpop figure. This was something she needed so even though her legs protested, she pushed on. 

Gotta stay hungry. You gotta keep that fire burning in the pit of your stomach, pumping through your veins or you’ll never make it. That’s what she’d been told more or less over her years in the industry. Sometimes Minji felt like that fire was burning her from the inside out — the pain of failure scorching and unrelenting. Fueled by success, every setback threatened to suffocate that spark. She supposed, when kindling ran low, she’d resorted to offering up her health, her physical and mental condition, instead. She burned away her happiness in hopes of keeping that light flickering for just a month, just a week, just a day longer. It wasn’t healthy, no, but nobody expected healthy. Nobody was looking for “healthy.” People were looking for dedication, elegance, and beauty. None of which need involve health. 

Slowing her pace, she took a cool-down walk for a block. It wasn’t even like she was that bad. There were others in the industry whose names were whispered behind cupped hands and closed doors, who did X crazy diet or took Y pills or had Z procedure. She wasn’t like that so it was okay. Sure, a little… reduction in caloric intake before a shoot or a show might not have been the best thing, but it was normal. Everyone did it. And everyone seemed to be managing, so what did she have to complain about? It was a price to pay, a reasonable one she thought, to achieve her dream. She crossed the street and picked up her pace. 

Sometimes, oftentimes, all she could think about was not having a music show win, or not having enough sales, or not being invited on the show that would at last surely unlock the door to success. Each metric seemed, whichever happened to be the flavor of the month, to be her whole world… for that month. Then inevitably the target would move again, and the previous goal, having been attained, would fade into irrelevance in the face of this new measure of success. Rinse and repeat. Much like a ladder, you had to reach for every rung, pull yourself up with all your might, and never look down. What was achieved was behind you and stalling to reflect would take attention away from achieving your next goal. 

It just never felt like enough. No matter how high the girls rose it never felt like they’d really made it. The hunger, the fire still raged inside her, as it did with all her bandmates and it wasn’t going to be put out. They would give and give and give, until the fire became too big, too bright to ignore. They would taste success even if it meant burning themselves away. 

The back of was dry. So dry that the first gulps of water hurt a bit and even made her nauseous for an instant before her nerves finally registered relief. In the comfort of the shared dorm she quickly discarded her sweaty clothing, goosebumps spreading across her skin now that she was out of the heat. Grabbing a towel she made her way to the bathroom. In the shower she idly thought about how strange it was to go from the blazing heat of the summer sun to the icy cold of the aircon, back to the hot steam of a shower, and then back to the brisk chill once she stepped out. All in less than, what twenty minutes? She thought about her family and her dog Cherry, and about how much she missed them. She thought about that weird looking rock she didn’t pick up on her run and if it would still be there the next time. Even though she tried to pull her mind away, she thought about Yoohyeon. How they’d just settled into this weird, fake-close friendship compared to how close they used to be. How it was pretty much her fault. How it hurt, but also felt safe. During private moments like these she sometimes even allowed herself to think of a distant future. Sometime after Dreamcatcher, when she had at long last divulged everything to Yoohyeon and earned forgiveness. If she was feeling particularly indulgent, her thoughts would travel even further into the realm of fantasy, an apartment with a little balcony, the two of them sitting next to each other in the morning with their coffees.

Sighing, she shut the water off and shut those thoughts off with it. Her clothes went back on like armor, every piece she donned helping to contain her wandering mind. By the time she was fully dressed and somewhat made up she was ready to fight again. There was nothing that would stand between Dreamcatcher and success, nothing. 

This was their summer, burning bright, stained with sweat, all of them laboring in the oppressive heat. This was their rising star, not that anyone realized it at the time. It was a period that they would look back on with pain and pride. 

Autumn

She didn’t like bugs. Not at all, but the chirping of the crickets eliding with the gentle strains of music issuing from her phone wasn’t too bad she supposed. 

The night was just cool enough to need a jacket. A touch more humid than she would consider perfect, but just a touch. She closed her eyes and leaned back, propping herself up with her arms while taking a deep breath. The air quality had been kind of poor that day, but now it was night and there were fewer cars out, plus they’d driven a bit further than normal, so they weren’t as close to the center of Seoul as they usually were. Eyelids fluttered open, looking up into the hazy dark purple sky. There weren’t any stars since they were still in the city limits and the light pollution was pretty bad. Despite this, the branches above rustling in the wind proved a hypnotic distraction. 

Her left hand just barely extended off the side of the blanket, fingertips pressed into the earth amongst the soft blades of grass. She had half a mind to reposition herself to avoid a bug crawling over her or something but was interrupted mid-thought by the sound of a car door swinging shut a little ways away.

“Glad you could join me.” Minji looked up just in time to see Yoohyeon plop a cooler down at her side. 

“Well, you could have taken one of the baskets and saved me a trip — then we could have spent even more time together.” Yoohyeon sat down beside her, not bothering to put any distance between them. 

“I got the blanket.” Minji repositioned her palms on the fabric, smoothing out the cotton beneath her hands. “And I’m the one with the car,” she added. “So I’m entitled to having our food carried to me.” 

Yoohyeon smiled and rolled her eyes. “Of course you are, Princess.” She flipped open the lid to the basket and pulled out a container with sandwiches. Idly Minji wondered if she should lean into the princess act and ask to be fed. She secretly loved being pampered by Yoohyeon, but her pride still sometimes would not allow her to voice such requests. 

Minji was shaken from her thoughts with a light tapping on her arm. She looked up. Yoohyeon was gently poking her with the corner of her sandwich while giving her a slightly confused look. 

“You gonna take it?” Yoohyeon shook the food a little in her hand — not unlike the way she did with Pie’s treats. 

Minji rolled her eyes and smiled. “Alright, alright. Give it here then.” She held out a hand and Yoohyeon plopped the sandwich into it. Before Minji dug in, she grabbed her iPad and played a log fire asmr video, propping the tablet by their feet. It was a sad excuse for a bonfire, but the park they were in wasn’t for camping and didn’t even have public grills, much less a campfire-safe site. 

“One day we’ll go somewhere where they allow real fires.” 

“You wanna set a real fire?” Yoohyeon gave her that side eye she’d perfected. A mix of ‘are you crazy’ and ‘I’d pay good money to see that’. 

“The warmth would be nice and it would be so pretty! We could roast marshmallows or whatever people do with fires.”

“This is good too. We can't burn down the park like this.” Yoohyeon reached for the cooler to get their drinks. “Or set ourselves on fire.”

“I mean. I don’t think we’d set ourselves on fire…” 

“Our attempts at cooking for this date would suggest otherwise.” 

“But we didn’t set anything on fire! We didn’t even set the alarm off!”

“But are we or are we not eating food we picked up from the grocery store on the way here?” 

“Technicalities.”

The two shared a good chuckle, and Minji swung her legs over Yoohyeon’s. 

Yoohyeon placed a hand on her knee and started little patterns with her thumb. “I know they say a car is like one of the worst investments you can make, but I’m really glad you bought one anyway.” 

“Me too. Though it’s not like I bought it brand new. My mom has a work friend who was looking to sell, so I got a pretty decent price.” 

“True. But like, it’s kind of about the status. The achievement if you know what I mean. Owning your own car — that freedom…”

“That insurance,” Minji joked. 

“It feels like one of those things you do when you’ve made it. When the work has finally paid off, right?”

“Do you wanna car Yoo?”

“I. Uh,” Yoohyeon trailed off. “I mean. I don’t really need one right now so it would kind of be a waste, but I’ve always thought being able to pick you up and drive you somewhere, like out to dinner or for a weekend somewhere would be nice?” The taller girl let her head fall pensively to the side propped up on one of her hands. 

“Aww.” Minji didn’t bother repressing the smile that lit up her face at Yoohyeon’s confession. She leaned forward and placed a light kiss on her cheek. “I’m not sure if it would be worth it for you financially, but if you get your license, I’ll add you to the title and we can figure out the insurance.”

Yoohyeon looked genuinely surprised. “I’ll think about it.”

“Of course. No pressure, babe.” Minji spun around, replacing her legs with her head on Yoohyeon’s lap. 

“No, I’ll really think about it. It’s something I’ve been considering for a bit…” 

“Yeah? Just to take me out, or for the freedom in general?” Minji asked the leading question already half knowing the answer, but she wanted to hear it from Yoohyeon directly. 

“Both. I feel kind of silly still having our manager cart the half of us who don’t have cars around like children. But I’ve also been thinking about something else.”

This wasn’t necessarily a new topic for them. Issues of independence, responsibility, and adulthood seemed to occupy a lot of Yoohyeon’s thoughts. Some of it Minji had come to realize was from trying to play catch up with her, a younger girl wanting so badly to be seen as an equal, to break away from being considered her dongsaeng. 

Ever since realizing it, Minji had tried to pay special attention to Yoohyeon’s feelings on the subject, never wanting her to feel inept or out of her depth again. 

“Thinking about what?” 

“What we… what I’ll do after our dorm contract is up.” Yoohyeon was looking out, staring into a horizon she couldn’t possibly see in the dark of night. 

“Oh,” Minji let the word hang in the air for a moment. “Yeah I guess that is coming up. In a year, but still it’s good that one of us is thinking about it.”

“Us?” 

“Huh?”

“I mean. I could be reading way too much into this… like, overthinking majorly. It wouldn’t be the first time.” Yoohyeon rattled off her words nervously and took a big gulp of her water. “But you said ‘us’. Is there an ‘us’ in this?”

“Oh,” Minji replied unimpressively a second time. “Honestly I don’t think I’ve given that much thought to it.”

Yoohyeon visibly deflated and drew her bottom lip between her teeth. “, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to assume or…”

“No wait.” Minji sat up and faced Yoohyeon, sitting hip to hip, and intertwining their fingers. “That didn’t come out right.” Minji took in a deep breath. “I guess I just meant that I hadn’t thought about it th