You were always too nice. A smile permanently plastered onto your squishy face, you could go up to anyone and become their friend, and that’s exactly what you did. Naturally, everyone was drawn to you, including me. I was always the shy type, but nothing stops you from approaching new people. You ran up to me with the brightest smile I’d ever seen. My heart skipped a beat. Even now, I’m not used to it. I’ll never get used to the feeling of someone being happy to see me, especially someone like you. Even when we see each other everyday, I still get that same thrilling feeling.

We’re like polar opposites, but I guess that’s what makes us fit together so well. I’m the type to get embarrassed super easily; you’re the type to be out there. I love that about you. Back when we were still in high school, I remember exactly what you said to me on the first day we hanged out by ourselves.

“Don’t be afraid of being yourself with me. I love when you’re being you, Jungeun.”

From that day, I knew that you were my best friend. We didn’t know each other very long, but no one had ever reached out to me before like you had. I didn’t care if that was something you said to everyone.

Unfortunately, being best friends with you also meant sharing you with everybody else because everyone was your best friend. Most people who say they love everyone equally are liars—they all have some favorites. But, you’d be the one person who actually doesn’t have someone they like over the other. You really did love everyone the same. I hate to say this, but I was jealous. I thought that I was just another one of the crowd to you. And, even if you didn’t think that way, I didn’t want you to have to choose between me and everybody else. After all, what was someone like me, a shy, scary kid, compared to all those bright, good-looking people?

At that point, I think I gave up. There was no way I’d be the one to catch your eye. Though, I really wish I was. Maybe, I was just being an angsty teen, but I knew that you couldn’t possibly see me as your best friend when you had so many other people to choose from.

I needed a legitimate reason to distance myself from you because I didn’t want you to hate me. So, I decided to pursue my longtime dream of becoming an idol. I auditioned for a smaller company, a risky choice. Not to mention, they were doing a concept never done before in Korea, an even riskier choice. But, the moment I stepped foot into the audition building, I knew that was where I wanted to be. I met eyes with two other girls, and they were just like me, scared but determined. I felt comforted by their presence. One of them reminded me of you: a ball of sunshine.

As a trainee, I didn’t have time to attend school, which meant I didn’t have to see you as much. It felt good to be free from the chains of attraction, yet I missed you more than I ever thought I would. On the other hand, I imagine you weren’t very lonely. You had everybody else.

At first, I was a lone wolf. I trained on my own when I could and talked to others only when I needed to, but similar to the way you did, the girl of sunshine approached me with a wide smile, another girl trailing right behind her.

Funnily enough, I ended up in a dorm room with the same two girls. Yerim, the youngest of us three, was only in middle school. Jinsol, the other, was older than me, yet much more carefree. Thanks to them, the emptiness I felt was much more bearable. Eventually, I got closer to everyone there training with me. I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could go on without you.

Determined to make it, I trained hard. There were days I left school even when I didn’t have to just to get in some more practice. It was also easier to ignore you when I had something to do. Though, looking over my shoulder before I left, seeing your little pout pulled at my heart strings.

Thankfully, my hard work did pay off. Hearing that I was going to debut might’ve been the best thing that has happened to me. However, the real best thing that has happened was meeting you, even if there were many downsides.

After I was revealed as an official member, I had absolutely no time for friends, or well, just you. I didn’t have much people I could consider friends, unlike you. Busy preparing, I’d go a full week at a time not attending class. I missed you even more.

When my song came out, you called me at dawn. I always woke up early, and you knew that well. You congratulated me and even sang your favorite parts. You told me you loved it so much. But, rather than the song, I wish you had said that you loved me.

I realized then that I was madly in love with you, that all those prayers of wanting to be your best friend were actually prayers to be your lover. It was a scary moment. I didn’t know how my family would react nor how you would. One thing was for sure, there was no way you could feel the same way. Everything you did that made my heart flutter was something you also did for everyone else. I was no one special. I was just another one of your friends. So, I thought that maybe not having time for each other would be a good thing, but you were insistent about keeping in contact, and I could never leave your messages unanswered.

When I told you I had to leave for LA to shoot music videos, you video called me just to look at me with your puppy eyes, begging to see me once before I left. I had to comply. So, I convinced our manager to let me go. I called back to let you know I was free, and you practically screeched out in what I like to believe was happiness.

When we met up, your eyes sparkled like stars, but quickly, droplets of water began to escape them. I didn’t know what to do, so I just awkwardly held you in an embrace, running my hands through your hair as I told you that I wouldn’t even be away for too long and that you should’ve been used to me being gone by now. The latter bit seemed to make you angry. You stopped crying and furrowed your brows while staring directly into my eyes.

“It doesn’t matter how often you’re gone. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

I couldn’t help but cry too. You actually cared about me, yet there I was trying to push you away because of selfishness and jealousy. Your eyes widened at my sudden outburst, but you were quick to comfort me. I didn’t deserve to be in your arms, but I couldn’t bring myself out of them. I buried my head into your chest, mumbling that I was sorry over and over and over again.

The next time I saw you wasn’t when I came back from LA, but a couple months after that. When I was invited to see the next official member of our group, I was excited, but when I actually saw who it was, I felt a wave of emotions. 

It was you.

On one side of the scale, I was extremely elated. I knew you had the same dream as me, and the fact that you also made it was amazing. However, I didn’t know if I could survive working with you. To no one’s surprise, you didn’t seem to mind. You instantly wrapped me up in a familiar hug.

“I’m so happy that I get to do what I’ve always dreamed of with you, my best friend.”

Perhaps, I cried a little hearing those words. I was your best friend. There was no one else. I was the one you liked better than the others. I was your number one.

My little victory was short lived when Sooyoung, the girl who debuted just before you, entered the scene. Don’t get me wrong, I love Sooyoung a lot. I had gotten really close to her, and we shared both light and meaningful conversations often. I was even right by her side while she was filming her music video. But, by the way she looked at you and the way you looked at her, I knew I had no chance. She was everything I wasn’t— a better singer, a better dancer, and sure as hell a better looking person. At least, that’s what it felt like.

It didn’t help that you had to act like you were absolutely obsessed with her for your music video. In fact, watching you two, I felt like maybe you weren’t even acting at all.

I hated myself for being so jealous. I hated myself for being so vulnerable. I hated myself for not staying strong and crying in my dorm room with all the other girls watching. I knew I shouldn’t let my feelings get in the way of work, but while you were sharing a room with Sooyoung, I was in the other, curled in the sheets of my bed as the rest of the girls patted and rubbed my back, hoping to comfort me, even if they didn’t quite know what was wrong.

After witnessing my breakdowns, the girls were very keen on checking up on me. They also seemed to get the hint not to let you or Sooyoung know about it. I was really thankful for them, still am and forever will be. I like to think that we’re a family of girls who left our homes but are making a new one with each other. However, it still hurt to see you so happy with someone else. So, I opted to the only thing I knew how to do well— pretend. With you, I couldn’t be myself. I had to be Kim Lip, a professional.

Surprisingly, that worked fairly well. Soon enough, the last of the girls, Chaewon and Hyejoo, were revealed, completing our family of twelve. Everything was going fine.

At least, that’s what I thought.

I knew eventually I would break, but I didn’t think it would come so soon.

I found it getting harder and harder to treat you simply as a coworker. I wanted to be as carefree as I used to be around you, but Kim Lip would never do that. Kim Lip knew what was better for their careers and for their own friendship.

So, I did exactly what I did before: I drowned myself in work. Being the only one to wake up before the sun even rose, I usually would’ve just spent it as time to relax by myself. Instead, I started spending those hours in the practice room, perfecting dances. During our breaks, I separated from the group to practice singing. And, when everyone was headed home, I stayed. Sooyoung also stayed late often, but strangely, I was more comfortable with her than with you. 

Of course, I knew I was overworking myself. Simply walking around the dorm felt difficult, but I had to stay strong. Unfortunately, the human body can only take so much, and I became too sick to even get up. Everyone was worried, and I felt really bad. I knew I pushed it too far, but what caused me to break apart was the look you gave me when you saw me bedridden.

“You’re unbelievable, Jungeun.”

You said that, yet you rushed over to pull me into another one of your tight embraces. It felt warm, warmer than it used to.

When you left the room, I couldn’t help it anymore. I broke. The gates holding in the ocean behind my eyes opened, and it began to flow out. It started off as little sprinkles, but soon enough, it was flooding.

You were already heading out with the YYXY girls, which was funny because you guys were always the latest out of bed. I guess that one day was just an exception, not that I was complaining. I already hated that you had to see me so weak, and I would’ve hated even more for you to see me drowning in tears.

Everyone else didn’t quite know what to do. At first, there was panicked pacing. Later, there was soft cooing. Then, again, more panicking. 

Haseul, our certified mom friend, took the lead and told everyone to leave the room. She knew that everyone wanted to be there with me but felt that it would be better if they went in a few at a time. And, she was right. I didn’t like the feeling of so many worried eyes.

The first two to come in was Heejin and Hyunjin. They hugged me tightly while they said they wish they were there for me more. Having to film for Mixnine, they weren’t always at the dorm, but now that it was over, they swore they’d be by my side always. The others did the same when it was their turn. They comforted me and gave me words of encouragement. Vivi and Haseul came with soup and medicine. Yerim and Jinsol brought me a half eaten macaron.

Though, what really pulled me together was the words of our youngest little girl, Yeojin. Past her teasing antics, she was mature beyond her age. She had to be. It wasn’t an easy task to be an idol, and she had been training since young. She was everyone’s baby, but at that moment, she felt much older than me.

“You shouldn’t try to suppress things with work. Kim Lip is strong, but Jungeun is stronger.”

She gave me a quick hug and exited the room, and although I was left on my own, I didn’t feel alone at all.

Thankfully, I recovered quicker than everybody thought I would, possibly because of how much support and love I was being showered with. I was back, but different than who I was before. I was healthier, and I was happier.

Seeing you with Sooyoung didn’t hurt anymore, or as much. My past feelings for you were nothing but a bittersweet memory. I had my family of girls, you and Sooyoung included, and that was all I needed.

Our full group debut was coming soon, and we were all working tirelessly. The enthusiasm and excitement must’ve been what kept us awake during long nights. Beyond busy, there wasn’t much time to chit chat, but somehow you had pulled me away into an empty dressing room. You smiled your brightest smile and gave me your tightest hug.

“I’m so glad that everything’s back to normal, Jungie. I really missed my best friend.”

I nodded. Your best friend. That’s all I was, and that’s all I ever will be, but that’s okay. As long as I had you and everyone, I could do anything.

Yet, for some reason, I just can’t help but think about what it would feel like to be in Sooyoung’s place when you press your strawberry lips against her apple red ones.