Seulgi’s like fireworks – she’s loud.

Joohyun doesn’t mind, most of the time. It’s cute. She’s loud, but only because she’s happy, or because Yerim is around and Yerim brings the child out of everyone when she’s around. But in the morning – in the morning, it’s just annoying.

She huffs and buries her face in her pillow, praying the gods up there Seulgi would shut up.

She doesn’t.

She sings Queen’s songs right on key, and Joohyun doesn’t have to look back to know she’s dancing. When she does look at her, though, she finds her wearing this ugly pinkish red dinosaur onesie and jumping with flailing hands. It’s hardly even dancing, but she looks like she’s having the time of her life – at seven a.m. on a weekend.

“Seulgi, what are you doing?”

“Hey! M’gonna get you too, ‘nother one bites the dust!”

Joohyun’s lips form a thin line as she stares at her girlfriend. “Seulgi.”

“Yes?” The culprit replies, voice tiny as she continues jumping – ‘dancing’ – and breathing heavily. “Join me, Hyun!”

When Seulgi’s like this, reason’s thrown out of the window, and into the sea, into a wooden treasure box, inside a whale’s tummy. It is seven a.m., on a Sunday, and they do have neighbours who probably don’t call the cops on Seulgi only because she’s too sweet of a person to hold a grudge against her, and Joohyun is the older one who’s supposed to keep her grounded. So she tries again, sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. “Seulgi, it’s seven a.m.”

“So what?” The answer’s a question, but the girl doesn’t really wait for an answer. She stops jumping, only to start shaking her – which only makes her tail wiggle behind her, really. “Dance it out.”

The other trainees are probably going to kill her, and she deserves it. Joohyun sighs and stands up. If she doesn’t dance, Seulgi would never stop so she just – dances. Lifelessly.

Sleepily.

It’s not good enough, however. “Joohyun—seriously. Dance.” The dinosaur wiggles her way to her side of the bed and tugs at her hands until they’re two feet away from the bed, and then she just forces Joohyun into an awkward, terrible rhythm of jumping and shaking.

Honestly, Joohyun thinks their dance instructor would have a heart  attack if she saw them dance this bad. But Seulgi’s tail makes her feel less ridiculous, so it’s a little bit okay. She doesn’t fight the smile that curls her lips. “You do know Soojung and Jinri will kill you for this, right?”

Seulgi knows but ultimately believes that just because they live in the apartment down theirs, they don’t get to decide when she can, and when she can’t dino-dance. “It’s okay,” she says, a few moments later, twirling Joohyun and almost tripping on a lone My Little Pony socket on the floor. “They’re louder sometimes.”

That makes a laugh bubble in Joohyun’s throat, loud and clear. “I’m gonna tell them you said that.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“I will.”

“Don’t look for my body afterwards, then,” Seulgi warns her with a pout the dinosaur costumes makes a hundred times cuter. Or so she hopes. She finally stops dancing as the song dies down and shuffles to another, and Joohyun does, too, fully awake now. Quietly, the younger girl’s hands cup her face and push her cheeks together. “Thank you for always dancing with me.”

Joohyun’s voice is muffled. “You only make me dance with you so that they don’t yell at you alone.”

Seulgi doesn’t deny that even if it’s not true. She makes Joohyun dance because Joohyun makes her heart dance every given second. She pecks her lips. “I love ya.”

Joohyun’s voice is still muffled. “You only say that so that I dance with you next time, too.”

Seulgi doesn’t deny that either and maybe it’s a little bit true.

 

*

 

Seulgi’s like fireworks – she shines brighter when it’s dark.

Joohyun thinks, even when life’s bright, she’s there, but it only really does show when the light’s out. As she lies on the practice room’s floor, as she glares at the ceiling to keep her tears from falling, she wishes Seulgi is right there next to her. Because Seulgi brightens the world up; there are stars in her eyes and comfort under her tongue, so it’s easier. She needs her. It’s not just that she misses her mother a lot; it’s that she’s missing everything else, too. Sometimes, when her friends text her group pictures saying they’re looking forward to seeing her again soon, like today, it seems to her like she’s missing out on her whole entire youth.

“Carrot Cake!”

She’s startled out of her thoughts and she literally jumps up and scrambles to her legs in a fighting stance, chest heaving and eyes zeroing. She could still feel the cold from the drinks Seulgi had pressed to her forehead. Joohyun briefly considers the prospect of murdering her lover. “I’m going to k—” she stops midsentence when she notices the smartphone in Seulgi’s hand. Actually, it’s the four girls waving fanatically at her on the screen that catches her attention.

“I don’t really know how this facetime thing works so please don’t press any button because I don’t know how to turn it back on,” Seulgi says, handing her the phone. It’s Soojung’s – Seulgi couldn’t really afford a smartphone yet. And then, she crouches down and quickly but swiftly puts the lone slice of carrot cake on the plastic plate next on the cold apple juice can on the floor. When she stands up, Joohyun’s still looking at her, dazed. “Talk to them, don’t stare at me, silly!”

Joohyun could hear one of her Daegu friends telling her to snap out of it, so she does. She looks at the phone screen and notices that they’re eating carrot cake, too. “How did you know?”

“You’re not exactly subtle, unnie.” She grins, walking backwards to the door in an attempt to leave as smoothly as possible. “I’ll be in the cafeteria with Yerim, I’m helping her study. Join us when you’re done?”

The older girl has so many questions to ask but she doesn’t want to drag this out, since her friends were waiting for her on the line. She nods, says “thanks, I will” in a quiet voice but she knows Seulgi heard because Seulgi’s eyes light up and suddenly, suddenly life’s a little bit brighter.

Before she leaves her alone to catch up with her friends, Seulgi mouths “love ya!” and means it.

 

*

 

Seulgi’s like fireworks – or her food is.

Definitely her food.

Joohyun doesn’t really have the heart to tell her that her vegetable broth smells like burnt fireworks, though, so she swallows it painfully instead. Beside her, Soojung, Jinri, Yerim and the new kid, Sooyoung, do the same thing. They swallow everything including their wits because Johyun did in fact threaten each and every one of them before they entered this dorm room.

“Is it too salty?” Seulgi asks worriedly, looking at her lover. She knows for a fact her lover would never lie to her.

“No baby, it’s not.” That is not a lie. It’s too burnt to actually figure out if it’s bland, salty or even sweet. She nudges Sooyoung.

“It’s so good, unnie!” The new trainee exclaims with a wavering voice. She gulps a big spoonful of soup just to prove her point. “Yum!”

Seulgi beams at them. “Okay. Good.”

“No, it’s great!” Joohyun corrects her, smiling back and tugging at her hand so she plops down next to her. She kisses her cheek. “Thank you for finally cooking for me. For us.”

Seulgi actually blushes. “I was afraid I’d screw up – I don’t cook that much and unnie cooks so much better.”

There are a few minutes of silence, afterwards, and it’s heavy and awkward because everyone is too busy trying to keep the food down their stomach. The cook of the day doesn’t really touch her bowl of soup, looking at her friends intently because she isn’t an idiot and she knows when something’s up with them. She would’ve been more hurt to see them grimace slightly with every mouthful if she didn’t find this funny. They’re halfway through when she bursts into a laughing fit, head thrown back as she crawls away from the table.

Joohyun’s confused, and so are the rest of the girls, so she keeps her eyes on her girlfriend who reaches for her phone, trying to make sense of her actions. It’s only when the person Seulgi called answers and she lists a couple of orders that she gets that she understood they were faking it.

“Sorry,” Soojung mumbles when she comes back to her seat.

She shrugs. “Don’t be. I told you guys I wasn’t a good cook.”

“Nah, you said you’re not that good but you’re actually terrible.” Yeri says and earns herself a light punch – courtesy of Bae Joohyun. She tries to save face, thinking she was too young to be murdered in her sleep. “Thanks though. For trying.”

Seulgi laughs again. “Thank you guys for trying to eat it, actually.” Her eyes are fond, and her chest full of affection for these people. “I love you.”

Her hand finds Joohyun’s under the table. The older girl intertwines their fingers and lets her thumb caress the back of her hand as Jinri declares that Seulgi is the sweetest bear in the whole entire world.

Joohyun silently agrees.

 

*

 

Seulgi’s like fireworks – she’s everywhere.

Her clothes are.

Joohyun doesn’t usually care. They’re clothes, and it only takes her fifteen minutes to pick everything up and their room’s clean and shiny again. She likes housework. Takes her mind off things. Except, sometimes she’s in a hurry and she needs… stuff. Stuff like her wallet and keys, which she can’t find anywhere apparently.

“Have you looked for them in the kitchen?”

“Yes.”

“The rug beside the door?”

“Yes.”

“Did you look for them in the—”

“Seulgi.” Joohyun looks at the reason why she’s running late for her date with her friend, who also happens to be the love of her life. She bites her tongue to keep her frustration at bay. Fails. “Please stop talking.”

Seulgi pouts and mutters something along the lines of ‘juss trying to help here’ but doesn’t argue. She continues picking her clothes up, thinking about how she should be more careful with her laundry so that Joohyun isn’t put in situations like these again because of her but then, then she remembers somethings and runs back to living room.

The older girl feels more than sees her leave the bedroom. She sighs, thinks she upset the girl – which is something that’d literally kill her inside. It’s kind of her fault. She never told Seulgi to clean up after herself before, making it her job because it kept her busy and process, giving her lover the idea it was okay to be messy.

Suddenly, finding her keys and wallet doesn’t really matter all that much. She trudges out of the room, looking for her girlfriend only to bump into her, almost knocking her off her feet. “Sorry,” she apologises, smiling a little. “I mean – for telling you to stop talking, too. It was rude.”

Seulgi looks at her weirdly. “What? Don’t apologise, I was being annoying. It’s okay.” She brushes her off, even when if Joohyun looks like she’d write essays on how it’s not true, and she’s not annoying, and it’s not okay to tell people to shut up. Grinning at the shorter woman, she waves her keys and wallet right in front of her face teasingly. “Found ‘em.”

Joohyun gapes at her. “Where?”

“Your coat. You know, yesterday when we got home we were kind of – busy making out. You didn’t take your stuff off your pocket like you usually do.”

Joohyun doesn’t miss the blush creeping up Seulgi’s neck. She laughs, leaning to kiss her lips. “Thank you.”

“It’s okay.” Seulgi steals another kiss before sliding off her lover’s way so she can finally go on her date with her Daegu friend. “Go! I made you late enough. Sorry.”

Joohyun smiles brightly. “It’s okay. I’m sorry too.”

“I’ll do better next time.”

“We will.”

(She leaves home running, barely catching the subway in time. She’s still heaving when her phone rings and it’s a text message. Seulgi says: I love you! Be safe.”)

 

*

 

Seulgi’s like fireworks – she aims too high (and sometimes, she crashes).

It’s hard whenever she crashes. Joohyun wonders if she’s always been like this: easy on everyone else but so, so hard on herself. So hard Joohyun’s sometimes afraid she’d break into pieces. This could be the reason why the girl was so brilliant. This could be the reason why everyone admires her for her hard work. But this is definitely the reason why they’re eating ice cream at two in the morning, in January.

Joohyuns shivers as she gulps down a mouthful of strawberry cream. “It’s not too bad?” She says, but it sounds more like a question.

Actually, it is a question.

“You don’t get it!” Seulgi exclaims, voicing out her thought with a spoon in . Joohyun wants to nod her agreement fanatically but she doesn’t want to be insensitive. “They didn’t debut me when I got straight one hundreds on the dance weekly reviews, and now, with an eighty five – they’re never going to debut me!”

Joohyun, too, was surprised Seulgi didn’t score full points at the weekly thing the agency does to keep tabs on the trainees. She saw her dance; it was beautiful. It was perfect. “It’s fine. Even I got a ninety.” Although she was used to full points, just like Seulgi. It didn’t make her worry as much as it made Seulgi shake.

The younger girl takes one big mouthful of ice cream as if to point out her disagreement. It’s not ‘fine’. But that decision is regretted five seconds after as cold overcomes her senses and she has to close her eyes tightly to let it pass. Beside her, Joohyun cackles and says something along the lines of I told you ice cream was a bad idea and Seulgi would’ve found the nagging and the loud cackling adorable if she wasn’t so genuinely afraid this eight five score literally meant the end of her non-existent career.

She does her best to stop the sob the rises to , suddenly, and she doesn’t even know why she’s crying but she is.

She’s a sobbing mess that barely fits in Joohyun’s arms.

“Shh,” the older trainee whispers, holding her tight. Somehow, she knew they were gonna end up like this the moment they got home from the agency, but her heart still hurts to see her lover like this. She expected Seulgi to break down earlier, and she didn’t, so for a second she wanted to believe the debut topic wasn’t as tricky of a subject as it used to be to her girlfriend anymore. She was wrong. “It’s okay. Just cry it out.” She has to. Every now and then, she has to. Because she’s strong all the time, she has to cry it out in all the privacy Joohyun’s embrace could offer. Seulgi’s arms wrap around her waist desperately. She smiles. “Look, if anything we’ll leave this place and go back to studying. I’ll become a doctor and you’ll open a restaurant. Good business plan. You give people food poisoning and I treat the—hey, no pinching! I’m trying to help you here!”

From where Seulgi hides in the crook of her neck, hiccupping, she laments in a half-sob, “I don’t cook that bad!”

Yes you do. “Of course you don’t.”

Seulgi hiccups again, “Liar.”

“I’m just saying.” Joohyun brings a hand to cup her cheek, thump drying off her tears. She deposes a kiss against her forehead. “I’d eat what you cook any day.”

It takes a moment but Seulgi squeaks a tiny, tiny ‘thank you baechu unnie’ that makes baechu unnie smile so widely her cheeks hurt. The crying girl pecks her neck. “I love ya.”

(Seulgi sometimes crashes –

She wants to be the one to catch her. Forever.)

 

*

 

Seulgi is like fireworks – and by that Joohyun means she’s hot.

Seulgi kisses her. Hard. With tongue. It’s new, and Joohyun has never been with anyone like this before and she feels like she’s drowning and floating at the same time. She watches intently as the younger girl’s face contorts into one of utter bliss.

“Unnie,” she says, moans. “Unnie, please.”

Joohyun knows exactly what she needs, but she doesn’t know if she wants to give it to her just yet. She wants Seulgi like this more often: back off the bed and hanging to a cliff by a thread only Joohyun can untie.

The younger girl needs her now. “Joohyun… Hyun. I can’t—”

Seulgi’s beautiful. She’s so beautiful, so mesmerising. It’s unbearable to look at her. Joohyun picks up her pace, her hand finding her lover’s to thread their fingers together. She doesn’t say anything, but she feels like she’s saying everything she has to say as she caves in to Seulgi’s demand and then, suddenly, too soon, she’s coming for her. She’s closing her eyes and whining and setting Joohyun on fire.

“I love you,” Seulgi tells her again and again. “I love you so much. I love you so much.”

Joohyun still doesn’t say it back.

 

*

 

Seulgi’s like fireworks – it only takes a moment before she explodes into shreds.

Joohyun’d be lying if she said she didn’t see it coming. The first time Seulgi said I love you was three months ago, and one year into their relationship. She also said Joohyun didn’t have to say it back, because it’s okay and she can wait.

So she waited three months, and then, she started wondering.

Joohyun looks at her lover as she quietly munches on her cereals, wrapped in a grey Harry Potter blanket. She looks adorable, and also pissed. “Seul-ah.”

Of course, Seulgi doesn’t reply. She’s still looking at her cereal box, reading the English nutrition box thing although she doesn’t really understand what it’s saying.

“Seulgi – he kissed me, not the other way around.” Joohyun feels like she should’ve punched her friend when she had the occasion to, instead of politely pushing him off. He was a good friend – came to visit her from Daegu quite often and she’d always thought good of him because of that. Because very few of her friends cared enough to do that. The last time he came, however, he made his intentions clear. And Joohyun really didn’t know what to say to make this easier for the younger girl. She drops her own spoon. Sighs. “I can’t take it back, Seulgi, and I wish I could.” She promises. Maybe it’s pointless to try. She tries anyway. “I don’t want him. I want you.”

“Joohyun?” Seulgi looks at her through her eyelashes for the first time in a week. Her voice’s raspy – lately, her baby bear had troubles talking. Her voice cracks too much.

She hates herself for it. “Yes?”

“Do you love me?”

“It’s… complicated.” Joohyun truly hates herself for it.

(Seulgi says it’s still okay. Seulgi says, I love you and still means it.

Except it’s not really okay, and Seulgi moves to live with Soojung and Jinri for a while. She needs time.)

 

*

 

Seulgi’s like fireworks – she’s distant.

Joohyun feels like she’s a world away from her. Unreachable, no matter how hard she tries.

Well… that’s not entirely true. She’s not trying hard enough. It’s not like Seulgi asked the moon out of her, she just wanted an explanation. A reason to stay, now that she feels like she’s given her whole heart away and she’s left with a person who doesn’t even want to share a part of hers with her.

Joohyun does love her back. Joohyun does.

It’s just that she still doesn’t say it. Not even two weeks after Seulgi moved out.

The only thing that’s harder than staying away from Seulgi, is looking at her crying knowing it’s her own fault.

“Please leave me alone.”

“Seulgi… don’t be like this. You need a friend right now and –”

“You’re not a friend,” Seulgi barks back, jaw clenching. “You’re my girlfriend. Who can’t even tell me I love you back. Please go away.” It’s not even at Joohyun that she’s mad, it’s the idea of debuting without Soojung and Jinri that’s making her feel like she could die any minute now. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Joohyun wants to hold her and assure her that she can hurt her if it makes her feel better, but she doesn’t. Instead, she promises, “I’m here if you need me.”

Seulgi sniffs. “I just need you to tell me why you can’t say it back, Hyun. I just need you to explain things to me. I need you to. And if you can’t – if you can’t, please leave me alone.”

So Joohyun leaves her alone. For now. Until she can do this.

(She has to.)

((It hurts when Seulgi doesn’t tell her I love you when she does leave.))

 

*

 

Seulgi’s like fireworks – she reminds Joohyun of the first woman she’s ever loved.

A friend from Daegu.
That friend loved purple a lot.

It was a chilly October night, and Joohyun’s hand was carefully tucked in her girlfriend’s coat. They were seventeen, and alone on the beach. They had decided they had the best view of the weekly fireworks show the city had from here. She remembers being so nervous, that night; so, so nervous.

Because she was going to confess her feelings to her first love.

And remembers she was so, so sad afterwards because right before she did confess to her lover, her lover confessed she wasn’t as in love with her as she thought she was.

I thought I liked you, but… I don’t. This kind of relationships aren’t for me, Joohyun.  I’m sorry.

She was left there, sitting on the sand, stunned. Mind blurry. Still busy figuring out how to say I love you when love can’t be expressed with simple words. Joohyun thinks she must’ve been in some kind of daze, because if it wasn’t for the fireworks that startled her out of her reverie, she would’ve stayed on that beach forever trying to comprehend what love was, and what not being loved back meant.

And Seulgi’s like fireworks, and Joohyun’s scared of fireworks – every time she tries to say I love you she feels like she ripping her heart out of her chest and giving it off forever.

She’s scared.

(Seulgi sits next to Joohyun on the bathroom floor as she tells her all of this. She says nothing, but takes her hand and plays with it.

I love ya, she feels her finger write in the palm of her hand. She doesn’t know if the younger girl didn’t say it because her voice was gone, or because she didn’t want Joohyun to feel obligated to say it back.

The next morning, Seulgi has her clothes back in the closet, and it’s seven a.m. and they’re dancing to Queen again, except they have matching dinosaurs onesies now and Soojung’s yelling at them to keep it down – hitting high notes Freddie Mercury could only dream of.)

 

*

 

Seulgi’s like fireworks – she’s magic.

Joohyun’s actually one hundred percent convinced Seulgi’s some kind of angel sent to her by the Gods and she has wings and superpowers and everything else. What would her life be without Kang Seulgi, really?

It’s a mystery – just yesterday, this dorm felt so suffocating Joohyun couldn’t even stay in it for more than a minute. It’s not just the dorm. The world has more colours when Seulgi’s walking right beside her, skipping her steps and talking about how she’s pretty sure she heard Soojung moan the other night and now she’s scarred for life.

“I’m gonna tell her you said that.” Joohyun prompts, her teasing tone quite obvious.

Seulgi feigns shock. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“I will.”

They’re two blocks away from their favourite ice cream parlour. “Well then, you better not look for my body afterwards.” Seulgi earns herself a weird look from a passer-by but it merely makes her cackle.

Beside her, Joohyun is serious and soft as she recalls, “hey, thank you for always dancing with me.”

She means everything.

“I love ya!” The younger girl exclaims, intertwining their fingers and grinning at her as she tugs at her arm to walk faster. “Of course I’d always dance with you.”

 

*

 

Seulgi’s like fireworks – she’s festive.

Joohyun wonders if Seulgi will ever stop living her life so… enthusiastically.

No one’s surprised, really, when Seulgi spends the week planning for exactly how they’re gonna sneak out of the dorm to go to this Hyukoh band’s concert in downtown Seoul City. Joohyun’s the leader of the group they’re planned to debut with in a few year, and she’s never heard of this band, and she should really be as stern with her member slash lover as she is with the other girls but that’s quite hard when Seulgi looks at her like she’s about to cry whenever she tries and talk her out of it.

So they attend this Hyukoh band’s concert, and they dance in the middle of a sea of people, and it’s actually not that bad. Joohyun’s surprised she likes it. They’re all so different here – some of them so different she’s sure her grandmother would have a heart attack just looking at them. She spots a few LGBTQ+ flags every now and then, too, and two large ones on the stage where the singer sings about love and lovers.

Seulgi dances freely, carefully hidden behind her mask and her cap; carefully hidden away in her own little world. Her hoody’s too big, and it makes Joohyun’s heart full because she looks so small, so lovely, it hurts. When she takes her in her arm, she feels even smaller.

They slow dance, and it’s not weird they’re women, for once.

She feels like she’s about to explode. In a good way.

“Are you okay?” Seulgi whispers in her ear. “You don’t look okay.”

Joohyun thinks she’s the best she’s ever been. “Yes. I need to tell you something.” It’s urgent.

“Now?” Seulgi pulls away and tries to touch her face but Joohyun won’t let go of her arms. “Unnie?”

Her heart – her heart’s about to burst. Her heart’s so full of Seulgi, right now. Her chest is full of Seulgi. Her life – her whole life. Joohyun’s not sure if she wants to cry, or to laugh, or to yell it out but right then and there confesses “I love you” and it’s effortless. She doesn’t have to rip her chest open like she thought she would, because her heart, her heavy, happy heart just jumps out of her chest and into Seulgi’s. Because it’s true and she means it. “I love you!”

The music gets louder, the crowd following. The younger girl’s not exactly reacting – her eyes wide, wider, she’s paralysed. Joohyun laughs at her because for once, this is easier for her than it for Seulgi. And then logic fails and she tugs down both their masks to kiss her even it risks her career.

It’s been exactly five months since Seulgi’s first told her she loves her. She’s a little late, but she’s here now. She doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

When she pulls away for air, she expects weird looks and remarks from the people around them but instead, she finds men kissing, and other women, and men and women and they’re not alone. In the sky, fireworks erupt – she doesn’t jump. The audience cheers. Seulgi’s looking at her with dark eyes.

“My god, Joohyun,” she sighs, pulling her closer again. “I love you so much.”

Every lover is different. With Seulgi, it’s so easy Joohyun wonders why she even waited to say it back.

“I love you too.”

 

*

 

Seulgi’s like fireworks – and Joohyun’s in love, not afraid.

I love you. I love you, a lot. I love you terribly. I love you to the moon and back. It’s… easy.