Two months. It had almost been two months ago since Seungwan last saw her. Weeks since her absence, and yet she was all the blonde could see.

Her curled up and quivering lips, her blushful and tear-stained cheeks, her sparkling and painfilled eyes.

The last time she had seen her.

That day at school when their eyes had met and Seungwan had felt her heart clench in agony and instead of her lips curling up as they always did when she saw Joohyun, all she had felt like was crying until she could no more.

Seungwan pressed her eyes shut, turning around several times in her bed, but the images were stuck to her lids like glue. She put the blanket over her head to keep the thoughts out, but they became noisier. She kicked it away, but the sounds were not silenced.

Her enchanting chuckles and laughter, her little gasps, her soothing melodies, her gulps and the bitterness in her voice. Their painful goodbye.

“I should go.”

“Thanks for listening.”

“Have a nice day.”

Her last words played over and over again like a broken record.

Seungwan let out a defeated sigh, her breath getting caught up in as she felt it tighten, and she opened her eyes to take a look at the clock on the nightstand, its blaring red numbers in the form of 3:47 staring right back at her.

Another sleepless night.

Seungwan sat up on the bed, letting out another sigh as her hands searched for her phone in the dark, her fingers finally brushing the device after a few seconds of searching. She briefly flinched at the sudden light and lowered the brightness on the screen.

Seungwan tried to swallow the growing lump in in the form of her heart, its beat drumming in her ears as she unlocked her phone. Joohyun’s last messages to her appeared on the screen, them having been the last thing she had looked for before having put her phone aside to try getting some sleep. She had found closing the app too painful because to her the action resembled the closure of their chapter and reminded her of their reality. She didn’t want to leave it all behind.

Joohyun’s profile picture popped up and Seungwan’s fingers gently caressed the screen, tracing every line of the raven’s face as if she could almost feel her, wishing for Joohyun to appear next to her. Her insides tightened at the thought and the image in front of her became blurry as tears gradually filled her eyes.

A line streamed down her cheek and Seungwan opened the group chat with the five of them, scrolling back until she had found the picture her sister had taken of them on that karaoke night. The side of her lips curled up slightly as she observed the confused look on Joohyun’s face after Yeri had unexpectedly taken a picture only for her smile to immediately drop, a stone sinking inside of her as her gaze caught Seulgi’s strong embrace around the raven, reminding Seungwan once again of everything that happened. That things had changed since then and that nothing could be rewinded.

Seungwan tried to focus on Sooyoung’s drunken smile as she attempted to regain her balance, her own narrowed eyes shooting a disapproving glance at her sister and Yeri’s playful smile as she put up a V-sign. She tried to find some happiness in it, but her thoughts kept going back to the raven.

She scrolled through the group chat until she had reached the last message received. Sooyoung had made several attempts to meet up with the five of them during the past weeks, but each time Joohyun had declined the offer, giving unconvincing reasons as to why she was not able to come. And Seungwan had never answered. She couldn’t bring herself to do it.

If they met up with the five of them, things would be awkward and Seungwan would rather not face the raven, because she was scared of paining her further.

However, each time Joohyun was quick to withdraw from Sooyoung’s suggestions, Seungwan could also not bring herself to spend time together as four. The thought of them being incomplete, the thought of Joohyun’s absence reminded her of the empty place in her heart.

Lately, she had been feeling empty and it seemed like nothing could change it. Seungwan had tried to distract herself from it. To try filling it by listening to music, composing her own songs, overloading herself with schoolwork, watching movies or tv shows, reading books and taking walks around the city.

But no matter what she did, Seungwan saw Joohyun everywhere. In lyrics, music notes, story plots, traits of fictional characters, streets, colours, sounds; everything that the senses could reach.

Whenever she listened to love songs, happy or sad, whenever she looked at the sky, whenever stars were mentioned, whenever she felt like drinking chocolate milk as it reminded her of the first time they met. Joohyun was always there.

Always within her reach but unattainable.

She found her everywhere because she had lost her.

***

Seungwan adjusted the bag strap on her shoulder as she exited the university building, quickening her pace out of fear of stumbling into a person she was afraid of facing.

So, when someone suddenly grabbed her by her wrist, Seungwan felt her heart jumping out of her chest, jolting at the touch.

“Well, I can’t believe you’re still alive after all of these weeks of ignoring me. I almost thought I had become an only child.”

The blonde let out a breath of relief as she rested her gaze on Yeri, the latter looking at her with a frown on her face.

Seungwan gulped, feeling slightly smaller as her sister observed her with an all-knowing gaze. She felt her chest tighten, her breaths of relief turning into gulps the longer she stood still, easy to be found. Her eyes darted towards all sides, scanning the crowd of students around her.

“Looking for Joohyun?”

The sudden mention of her name hit her in her stomach, knocking out the air out of her lungs.

“W-what do you mean?”, Seungwan asked, attempting to smile the pain away.

“Don’t do that”, Yeri’s frown deepened.

“Do what?”

“Pretending like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

“But I am n-”

“Cut the crap. You promised me that you would never lie to me. And besides…”, Yeri crossed her arms. “You’re my sister. I know when you are hiding something.”

Seungwan pursed her lips as she could not come up with a quick response to dismiss her sister’s words.

“Why did you do it?”

The blonde slightly bit her inner cheek at the question. It was not hard to guess what Yeri was referring to.

“Do what?”

“Reject her.”

Seungwan dug her nails into her palm, fighting the immerging images of that agonizing day.

“We both know you didn’t reject her because you didn’t feel the same.”

Tears burned behind her eyes because of Yeri's bluntness, the uttering of a truth that Seungwan could not escape from. Yet she put on a small smile, not wanting to break down in front of her sister. That was the last thing Yeri needed.

“I need to go. I’m in a hurry.”

She put her hand over Yeri’s, took it off her wrist and walked towards the busy streets, almost running away. The younger girl, however, quickly caught up to her fast pace and Seungwan looked at her not expecting to see a grave look in her eyes.

“You look awful.”

Seungwan let out a chuckle.

“Thanks.”

“It’s because of Joohyun, isn’t it?”

The blonde briefly closed her eyes as a tear jumped out. She slowed down her pace until they were both standing still amongst the crowd, hidden from any familiar faces. No words came out of , so Yeri spoke again.

“Why did you do it?”

Seungwan looked at the ground as she thought back to both Joohyun and Seulgi’s confessions, reminding herself of the reason behind her choices.

“I did it so that she could be happy.”

She didn’t need to look at her sister to see the confusion in her eyes.

“But I thought you loved her as well? It would only make sense for her to be happy because of that and not because of your rejection”, Yeri stated matter-of-factly.

A small smile was formed on Seungwan’s lips upon hearing Yeri’s words. They sounded so simple and the blonde wished that things could have been less complicated.

A few tears fell, but her smile didn’t drop. Seungwan looked at her sister, whose eyes widened as she took notice of the lines on the blonde’s cheeks.

“I’m sorry for not answering your texts. I’ve really been a bad sister to you, haven’t I?”, she said, feelings of guilt hitting her as she thought about how she had brushed off Yeri’s attempts to reach out to her. Despite her nonchalant behaviour, she knew Yeri had been extremely worried for her wellbeing and yet she had been too selfish of a person to answer.

Before Yeri could respond, Seungwan was quick to interrupt her.

“I need to go. I’m… I’m sorry…”

With that she quickly became one with the crowd, leaving the younger girl behind, each step a pang of guilt in her chest.

Yeri didn’t follow her.

***

Seungwan rested her hands on the sides of the bathroom’s washbasin, slightly leaning forward with slumped shoulders as her gaze travelled over her own face in the mirror.

She noted the deep dark circles underneath her eyes and traced them with her fingertips, briefly flinching at the small amount of pain after accidentally touching her lower eyelids.

Her fingers travelled from her eyes to the lines of her jaw, the feeling sharper than before. She thought of her lack of appetite during the last few weeks, having lived mostly on cups of coffee to get through the day and the night.

“You look awful.”

Seungwan smiled at the thought. Yeri was never one to hold back and usually her statements held truth to them. This time it was no different.

“It’s because of Joohyun, isn’t it?”

The corners of her lips dropped, and she put a hand over her forehead rubbing it in a helpless attempt to shake off those thoughts.

She suddenly craved for another cup of coffee.

***

Seungwan made sure to answer Sooyoung and Yeri’s concerned texts. However, she decided to avoid the subject about Joohyun and pretend everything was fine, despite the obvious signs that she wasn’t. She made up excuses such as that school was taking a toll on her or that she was still being plagued by memories of the past, that in reality had been long replaced by thoughts of Joohyun. Each time Seungwan promised them that she would take better care of herself and that they shouldn’t worry about her.

She didn’t want them to worry about her, because she didn’t want to cause them any pain. She didn’t want to take away her happiness by talking about her dispirited life.

During their group gatherings, them now being three as Seulgi had started to decline the offers as well, Seungwan made sure to put on a smile and redirect the conversations away from herself despite the worried and disapproving looks in Sooyoung’s eyes and Yeri’s frustrated sighs.

Sometimes Sooyoung would comment on how weird it felt to be with the three of them now that they had met Joohyun and Seulgi, casually glancing at Seungwan, obviously waiting for the blonde to respond. Seungwan could only nod and mutter a single ‘yeah’.

Each time they parted ways, Seungwan would notice how Sooyoung’s embraces had gotten tighter, a non-verbal way to tell her that she could talk to her and that she would always be by Seungwan’s side. And each time, Seungwan tried to hold back her tears as she rested her head against the taller girl’s shoulder, flashing a wide smile at her the moment she stepped back. Sooyoung gave her small and all-knowing smiles.

Yeri always crossed her arms and frowned, her disapproving attitude more obvious than Sooyoung’s. Seungwan would chuckle and hug her despite the younger girl’s protests. Even though she knew Yeri wasn’t too keen on physical contact, Seungwan was also aware that the reason behind the unwillingness to return her embrace was due to Yeri’s condemnation of her behaviour.

The moment they parted and Seungwan turned to walk back home, her smile immediately dropped to the bottom of her stomach and she took sharp breaths to prevent herself from crying.

Despite caring deeply about the two, Seungwan had been eager to go home and spend time alone. Yet, whenever she found herself being surrounded by silence, Seungwan wished for the company of someone.

She looked at the images on her phone and imagined what it would be like to have her by her side again.

***

The blonde stuffed her laptop and notebook into her bag as soon as the teacher had walked out of the classroom, throwing the bag strap over her shoulder and taking a look at the clock hanging just above the whiteboard. Her next class would start in an hour. Seungwan let out a sigh as the thought of having to wait one hour already drained her. She would rather have the teacher’s voice fill her mind instead of her own thoughts.

She pursed her lips as she thought about what to do, eventually settling on finishing her homework for next week. Seungwan shuffled past the chairs to the door, only to frown at an unexpected sight. Her sister was leaning against the wall with her arms crossed.

“Yeri? What are you doing here?”

“You have a free hour now, right?”, Yeri asked, avoiding answering the blonde’s question.

Seungwan tilted her head slightly to the right and slowly nodded, confusion written all over her face.

“That’s good, because I also happen to have some free time’’, Yeri said. She pushed herself off the wall, the intense look in her eyes never faltering. Seungwan bit her lip, barely preventing herself from breaking away from her sister’s gaze.

“We need to talk.”

Yeri turned around and started walking away. She briefly looked over her shoulder to check whether Seungwan was following her.

Seungwan gulped, feeling her heartbeat rapidly because of her sister’s words. She had a clear idea of what the younger girl wanted to talk about. It had been two weeks since their short talk in the middle of the street and Seungwan had wondered how long it would take before Yeri had attempted to talk about it again. This time, she had no excuses left to give. There was no escape.

Seungwan rubbed the back of her neck as she dragged herself through the hallway, following her sister in silence. She kept her eyes trained on Yeri’s back as she thought about what the latter would tell her and what she could answer to avoid the subject or prevent the conversation from going beyond the surface and scratching the edges of her heart.

Yeri abruptly came to a halt and Seungwan nearly bumped into her. The younger girl slowly turned around and the blonde felt herself shivering because of the determined look in her sister’s eyes.

“I have been thinking about it. About your answer to my question last time.’’

“I did it so she could be happy.”

“To be honest, I already had an idea of what had happened, but your answer actually confirmed it.”

Seungwan put her hands in the pockets of her sweater, digging her nails into her palms to calm herself down. Yeri’s first words grazed the surface. She thought about it and eventually decided that there was no way her sister could have known the exact details of what had happened. Seungwan put on a smile and opened ready to give an answer, but Yeri beat her to it.

“I mean, it was kind of obvious since Seulgi suddenly decided not to show up anymore.”

Her smile immediately dropped at the mention of the older girl’s name.

“Why did you do it?”, Yeri asked.

Seungwan dug her nails deeper into the palms of her hand. She forced the corners of her lips to curl up.

“I already told you. I did it to make her ha-”

“Does Joohyun look happy to you?”, Yeri interrupted, the volume of her voice remaining the same but the gravity increased.

The blonde gulped.

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen her in weeks.”

“Well, then I will tell you exactly how she has been. She looks like you. She looks terrible. She hasn’t gotten one minute of sleep. She rarely smiles, rarely says anything and locks herself up in her apartment after dragging herself to school because that’s the only thing she still sees as worth pursuing. Does it sound like she’s happy?”

Seungwan felt her head hurt because of Yeri’s words, pangs of guilt slamming her chest.

“It…”, the blonde swallowed the lump in and smiled. “It will be fine. She’ll be fine. Seulgi will be there for her.”

“Seulgi is not the one she wants! She wants you!”, Yeri raised her voice, the sudden outburst of anger making Seungwan flinch. “Why the did you think rejecting her would make her happy?”

 “I… she’ll be happy. She’ll realize that Seulgi is better for her than I will be.”

Yeri widened her eyes in disbelief.

“After realizing about Seulgi’s feelings for her, I also realized tha