Hakyeon shot up from his bed. It was the same every night with nightmares haunted him. His cheeks were wet and his body was bathed in cold sweat. The bed sheets were twisted around his limbs - probably because he was thrashing around in his sleep. His heart pounded against his chest as he trembled. 

It took him some time to finally calm down as he lay down on his bed. However, he couldn’t bring himself to fall asleep as the remnants of his nightmare still clung to his mind, haunting him. Uncontrollably, tears started falling from his cheeks as he couldn’t help remembering his past - a story behind his strong facade.

The following morning, he wakes up and goes to the toilet to wash up. He looks at his own reflection - puffy eyes and cracked lips. He couldn’t help but smile at his pathetic self. He smiles not because he likes what he is seeing but to be more precise - he loathes himself. The fake smiles he plastered on his face despite him breaking every single day. 

But he constantly reminds himself, he has to be strong. He has to be strong for s, brighten their day with a smile as sincere as he can muster, to always love them and put their needs above his own. That is what he has to do everyday — as a leader and a friend. But on the inside he lives in a never ending death. At night he suffers, worried that once the members sees past his facade, will anyone love him enough to see past his ugliness even after they find out about his past? 

A knock on his room’s door quickly took him back to reality. 

“Hakyeon-ah! Are you awake? We’re going to be late if you don’t wake up soon!” Taekwoon hollers.

“I’m up! Coming out soon!” Hakyeon shouted back as he quickly turns off the tap water and hurries to change his clothes.

“Hakyeon hyung. Why are you so late! You know that it’s important for us to be on time so that we do not leave a bad impression to people! You’re even the leader for goodness sake!” Hongbin stated as he ruffled his hair in annoyance, glaring at the leader.

“Sorry. I took quite some time in the toilet.” Hakyeon says as he smiles at Hongbin apologetically.

“Does he think that he is the leader he can do whatever he wants.” Hongbin muttered.

Upon hearing that, Hakyeon’s smile faltered slightly but he tried to pretend that nothing was wrong.

“I’m sure you will be able to understand me right?” Hakyeon quickly said as he clung onto Taekwoon’s arm.

“I thought I told you that I hate skin ship, why can’t you ever understand that?” Taekwoon said harshly as he pulled his arm away from Hakyeon.

Tears started to form at his eyes as he looked at Taekwoon. The rest of the members quickly walked away. He could see the irritation in their eyes as they ignored him and started leaving the dorm until he was the only one left.

He glanced at the door as tears started flowing down his cheeks. 

“What’s wrong with me today? It’s not even the first time that the members and Taekwoon treated me this way…I should be used to it by now…but..why does this still hurt so badly…”  Hakyeon thought to himself as he clutched his aching heart.

When they arrive at the studio for a group interview, all the members started talking among themselves without realising that they left him out. Whenever he started talking, no one gave a response. Hakyeon felt devastated but he persevered as he did not want to leave a bad impression. 

When the interview ended, Hakyeon tried salvaging the atmosphere. He didn’t want to be left out alone so instead, he goes around trying to talk to the members and clinging to them. The members tried to be talk to Hakyeon in front of the crew members, afraid that rumours that they were not getting along will spread.

Once they were in the waiting room, Hyuk burst out in anger.

“Hakyeon hyung! What do you think that you’re doing! Can’t you see that we do not want to talk to you! It’s so annoying having to tolerate your childlike behaviour! Can’t you be even be alone even for a second!” Hyuk burst, his face red from the anger.

Silence engulfed the room as no one spoke a word. Hakyeon was shocked from the outburst of the maknae as he glanced around the room and look at the members. None of them stepped forward to stop Hyuk or even stand up for him. 

Tears started gathering at his eyes when he realised that none of them even cares about him. They didn’t need to say a word for him to know that what Hyuk said was what everyone felt.

“I’m..I’m sorry…I didn’t know..” Hakyeon muttered as tears started flowing down his cheeks as he looked down. Deciding that he couldn’t stand the dreadful atmosphere that was created because of him, Hakyeon quickly took his bag and ran to the toilet, locking himself inside the stall.

He leaned his body against the toilet door as he sat down on the floor hugging his knees. His sadness surged with every expelled breath, always reaching higher peaks, never sufficiently soothed by his long intakes of the air. More tears began to spill from his helpless eyes onto his clothes. Memories from his past begin to surface. 

FLASHBACK

“Why are you talking to us acting as if we’re your friends! Stay away from us, we don’t want to become dark like you, you weirdo.” The boys in class teased Hakyeon when he tried joining them.

“But..but I thought we were friends? Didn’t we use to hang out together?” Hakyeon asked, flustered by their behaviour.

“Yes, we used to but not because we accept you into our clique. We just wanted to have some free meals from you. Since we had our fun, I guess we’re done.” The boys said sarcastically.

Tears started falling from Hakyeon’s cheeks as he clutched his fists tightly, feeling betrayed.

“See, guys! The little boy is clutching his teeth. Ooo I’m so scared~~” The boys continued teasing.

Infuriated, Hakyeon landed a punch but soon, he was outnumbered.

END OF FLASHBACK

Ever since than, no matter where he went, he was always avoided by his classmates, teasing him for his dark skin. Some even attempted to use violence on him causing him to have a deep trauma of being alone. 

Soon, the thoughts started accelerating inside his head. He could feel it, the panic attack coming again. He tried taking deep breaths but his breaths started coming in gasps. His heart started hammering inside his chest. He tightly clutched his chest, pounding on it, hoping to get some oxygen but to no avail. The room started to spin and black dots started to fill his vision. Gradually, he succumbed and lose consciousness.

Meanwhile, when Hakyeon left the room, Jaehwan quickly confronted Hyuk.

“Why did you say that!” Jaehwan asked as he shouted at Hyuk accusingly.

“What?! Did I say something wrong?! I just said something that all of us had be feeling but no one was willing to say?! How can he be so oblivious with all the hints that we’re throwing him! I had enough!” Hyuk shouted.

“That’s true but it doesn’t have to be at this place at this time.” Taekwoon said softly.

Hyuk was about to rebuke back but was disrupted when their manager entered the waiting room.

“Guys! What is happening?! What is with all the shouting in the room?!” Their manager asked angrily when he heard the commotion in the room. 

All the members looked at each other and none of them spoke a word.

“Where’s Hakyeon?!” Their manager asked when he noticed that Hakyeon was missing. 

“Probably in the toilet.” Taekwoon said.

Their manager glanced at them and slammed the door, going to the toilet to look for the leader.

When he entered the toilet, he noticed one stall was occupied and he knocked on the door when he heard no response from Hakyeon, despite calling him numerous times. 

Slowly, he heard the door lock clicked and the door opened, revealing a deadly pale Hakyeon.

“Hakyeon-ah! Are you okay?! What happened?!” Their manager asked as he saw Hakyeon’s pale face - a sight he wasn’t expecting to see from the normally strong leader.

Upon hearing those words of comfort, he began to cry. he didn’t want to, didn’t want their manager to see his weakness, however, he couldn’t help it, though. He felt alone and helpless at this point.

Surprised at the sudden outburst, their manager quickly embraced him and started uttering sweet nothings to Hakyeon, hoping to provide some form of comfort.

After a while, Hakyeon finally calmed down. He washed his tear stained face with their manager by his side.

“Are you feeling better now? Do you want to talk about it?” Their manager asked as he looked at Hakyeon.

“I’m feeling much better..” Hakyeon said as he forced a smile on his face. 

“Something…something happened between you and the members…right?” Their manager asked hesitantly as he looked at Hakyeon.

“Nothing’s wrong…It’s all my fault anyway..” Hakyeon said as he shook his head. 

“Fine, if that’s what you say…but..I do want you to know that I’ll be there for you…whenever you need it…okay?” Their manager said as he pat Hakyeon’s shoulder.

Hakyeon smiled at the kind words from their manager and for the first time in many days, he felt warm and happy to know that someone was actually genuinely worried about him.

On the way back to the dorm, no one spoke a word to each other and the tense atmosphere thickens. 

When they arrived, Hakyeon quietly took his bag and walked up the stairs, avoiding the members. He didn’t want to share the same elevator with them and chose to go separate ways. He didn’t think he could handle being in the same space with them without breaking down. He had enough for the day. Unknowingly, instead of going inside the dorm, he made his way up to the rooftop.

The cold wind embraced him. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the wind blowing at him, as if it’s embracing him. He sat there for 30 minutes and when he finally opened his eyes, he was determined. Determined to give himself another chance to salvage the relationship between him and the members. Determined not to be alone anymore. After all, they were his friends, his lifelong friends. Or, at least he thought.

Hakyeon woke up feeling a dull ache from his head. He could feel waves of heat coursing through his blood, cold sweat glistening in his gaunt features. He could feel that every part of his body was aching.

“Great, now a fever on top of all these.” Hakyeon thought as he pushed his bedsheets away from his struggling to stand up. He felt dizzy and weak. He placed his hand on his throat and coughed slightly. It took him effort to even stand properly.