This isn't a story.. I probably should write it in a draft but I kinda want feedback or knowledge I'm not the only one reading my thoughts at the end of the day.

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When you said you loved me in Chinese..

i didn't know what the you were blabbering about, your eyes were close to crying but I still let you go on. Oh my friend.. you're just acting like always. It didn't hit me that you were actually about to cry till your voice cracked.. And out of all questions I could've asked.. I ask the stupidest of all.. It's getting cold, do you want to walk to my house?

when you said no.. It hurt.

For some reason..

At that moment I had a lot to ask..

If I would've asked them

I had known then, instead of weeks later that you were confessing your love for me in another language to make it easier..

the questions I wanted to ask..

What did you say? 

English please?

why are you crying?

do you want a hug?

Can I do anything to make you feel better?

maybe those questions I wanted to ask could've made me less cold at the time. We'd be together now, right?

To the night, you laid in the street talking about death..

i had many questions to start off with but instead of helping you up, I sat on the sidewalk looking out for cars just listening to your theory of death. I didn't agree but I still said nothing just letting my brain process what was going on. 

Questions I would've asked:

Are you high?

What's wrong?

Have you always talked about death so vividly before?

Do you know that I love you and if you died I would cry forever?

Can you stop talking like no one cares?(I always care)

Do you need a hug?

Can I do something to make you feel better?

If I had asked those questions I had that night, you probably wouldn't have played with your life months later. 

Now you're leaving soon..

And I've found out months ago what you said in Chinese..

you don't know that I know you love me..

And you don't know that I know that I may love you too..

i pretend to be your friend because it's comforting this way..

less scary and complicated.. 

Youre at a party and I'm at home wondering what you're doing..

when you call drunk.. 

You didn't know you broke my heart that day.. 

Should I have asked you then what I would've asked now..

HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME? 

WHY ME?

WHY DID YOU CHOOSE YOUR BEST FRIEND TO FALL FOR? 

IS THIS A GAME TO YOU?

THIS ISNT A MOVIE THIS IS MY LIFE AND YOU KNOW THIS ISNT RIGHT.. Right?

How can be drunk and with her but love me?

i remember wanting to cry that night, I even remember yelling at you for a second saying something about don't call me when you're drunk.. What wouldn't happened if you knew I felt pain?

When you came over the next morning I could've asked then but I didn't.. New questions write forming when you said you were sorry.. It broke my heart more.. Why did I laugh it off..

questions I really had at that moment..

Do I look as ty as you?

Are my eyes sore from crying like yours are?

Did you know that I'm sorry too?

i should've cried in front of you that day, any of those days then you wouldve known that I had feelings that I wasn't immune to feeling anything. We were close enough, I was comfortable enough.. I should've hugged you and let myself cry then closing the door that day and crying to myself.

I hope one day,, when I meet the right one, that I dint hold back like I did with you, that when I have a question I don't just let it sit there so it can haunt all my dreams in thoughts when something reminds me of that of that person. I know now that if I would've asked certain questions and done things different that I could've fell in love or known what it was like to have someone love me sincerely. Ugh, this almost kills me writing this and thinking of you. How you're life is so better off without me and how my life still goes back to the past wishing for a little difference.

i know I'm allowed to talk this person and change everything now.. But honestly after writing this I realized.. That my life is too far gone from this person and even if it would make us happy it wouldn't be a long lasting happiness.