Confessions of an Insecure Writer

This is a post that I have been meaning to write for a long time. So I decided before I lost the courage, I would post it now without any regrets. 

I am a writer (obviously) but also human as well. I've made the mistake of reading rude comments and messages. I know I shouldn't have considering my depression but I thought it would have been a good idea. 

And I was completely wrong.

Someone recently asked me if certain writers have inspired me since my style is similar to theirs. That my stories were practicallt alike. That was probably the first time I have felt so angry and sad. The fact that I can't even write in comfort has made me so lost here on this site. I can still remember the first comment I read from the first story I ever published. That was probably the happiest day of my life. But it was also the saddest. I've struggled so hard to continue writing. I've been bullied, harrassed and abused by people who don't even know me. I've been put down because I try to improve myself, to write in a way others can connect to. I started to hate my stories, the fact that I have over 20 stories that are hidden proves this. 

But then miraculously I got featured.

That's when everything started to fall apart. I've always been an angst writer (always will be) but my first fluff story was the one that made my subscribers increase. It was the first story that made others notice me. The first thought that crossed my mind: 'why this story and not my others?' I got so lost in my thoughts that I immediate started to be disgusted by my other stories. Before I Let You Go was the one. It was supposed to be the story where I would have put all my emotions and sadness. But in the end, I failed miserably. I failed as an angst writer.

A Confession: My best work is Before I Let You Go. My worst is How I Met Byun Baekhyun.

Every time I update HIMBB, I cry from anger. I cry because of how much I hate that story. I hate it because it's a story that reminds me of what I used to write about. How can I write a comedy when I am barely happy myself? How can I pretend to be happy it got featured when I have no idea what I'm doing anymore?

But every time I see someone comment, that anger quickly fades. I see people comment about how much they love the story, how it makes their day. And it makes my day too. It makes me muster up the courage to update again. It gives me the courage to go back and fix myself. I know some of you may consider me ungrateful but I can't help but compare myself to others. I can't help but feel angry when I pour my heart out into a chapter and see the story lost within better stories.

So I guess here's the main thing I want to say. I will forever be ashamed and insecure of my writing and stories. I will forever be jealous of the popular authors here. I will forever be greedy wanting to get more upvotes and subscribers. 

But I'm trying my damn hardest not to let that affect me.

Why?

Because the moment someone comments, it makes my insecurity seem childish. The moment that someone encourages me and worries over me, it makes all my sadness, anger and jealousy disappear.

So I will strive to be a better writer. I will strive to be a better person. And I will strive to ignore the bullies who want me to fall. I will stop writing for others and only write for myself.

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LuphaLyte135 #1
I had always love angst story and Before I Let You Go is my current favorite one. I'm not really into fluff but because of you I've start reading it. You're a great author, so don't let other discourage you. People can never feel satisfied. I know you're sad about what happened but everyone has their unhappy days. Like me, I came to aff because I love reading and kpop even when I have depression.
lilyraybay #2
I never written a story in aff but I think I know what it feels like to he treated like that but as the victim u know how bad it hurts, there are sometimes when u have to let go and do things bcos u want to not outta pressure. Soo keep writing and enjoy it gud luck
4ever_exotic #3
Yeah Author-nim. Don't write for others write for yourself. Be happy. Those bullies and haters they will always hate and bash on you but don't fall. Keep walking and held your head up high. Don't cry and frown it will only make them happy that they succeeded in making you sad. Instead smile and learn from your mistakes. And they are basically jealous that you write better than them. I'm jealous of every popular and awesome authors including you but I don't care. I can't write like those amazing authors so what. I know I'm not good at this. I accept it. You Author-nim are different in your own way. Every Authors I have known is different from each other. They write different. They think different. And they are awesome in different ways. You are one of them. Write about what you like. I will always love it anyway so... write what you want ^^
P.S. You just inspired me by "I will stop writing for others and only write for myself." Thank you made me realise something very important today. Thank you for that. You have just become my very own Taylor Swift XD
LoveLoveLove01 #4
hey, don't ok? don't worry about those people that try to bring you down. think about those comments you have read that make you smile because they don't like that girl character. think about those comments that make you feel all warm and fuzzy and asdfghj on the inside. don't let those other comments get you. your writing style, is your writing style and nobody has the right to say "this is how blah blah blah writes. did you copy?" that is utter bullcrap. so don't ok? cheer up!^^ fighting! :3 ^_~
dearmonet #5
Awww... GO AUTHORNIM!! I know you can do your best and win this obstacle in your life.. You just have to believe in yourself... FIGHTING !!!
exotic-showerpanda #6
Don't you dare EVER ing listen to those idiots who dare to make stupid comments. They are jealous. People who say rude things with no basis are purely jealous and who think it's okay to express in that way. Your work is beautiful. Angst, fluff, I don't care what you write. It's all great. You write with passion and your ability shines through that. Maybe your non angst fic got featured because more people like fluff, but that does NOT diminish ANY of your other works. You are amazing and if you anyone ever tells you you aren't smack them upside their stupid jealous face. You're style is your own and has and always be that way. Don't be jealous, or angry, or sad. Writing is not about those other authors who or more popular or whatever. You are you. End of story. Write for yourself and no one else. Do what makes you HAPPY. And do NOTHING else. Understood? You're ing awesome. End of story. The end.
Darkim #7
you write well, really. I want to write too but sometimes I cant afford it, I have buch of ideas in my head but it's when I cant even apply it on my stories.
knowing how you feel about How I meet Byun Baekhyun , I know you can handle all your insecure feels. it's not easy of course but as you say, readers, upvoted,subscribers, and comments has their infinity power to make you stronger.
fightiiiiiiiiiiiiiing !!!!
exomelodies #8
Aw sweetie your stories are beautiful don't let those people bring you down! for every hate you get, you receive more lovers. Count on the people who love your story their opinions matter more than those haters. Honestly im a really picky reader but i absolutely love your story! Don't be so down so many people support you so don't care about all of those haters! Stay strong their will always be people here by your side and if you ever need help I'm always here for you :)
ElusiveZaida #9
Fck the haters.
smaug74 #10
I can understand your insecurities. I have many of the same. I get jealous of people like you because I know your skill as a writer is far superior to mine and hard as I try I know I'll never be as good. Writing isn't one of my biggest passions but it's something that I enjoy doing so I try not to let it bother me. I think your writing is art and Before I Let You Go is my favorite by you. I like the angst you put in your stories because they're easier to relate to. Life isn't all rainbows and butterflies which is why I don't like reading too much fluff. It seems a little unrealistic at times XD Your writing helps to inspire mine so keep at it ^^ I'm glad to see how strong you are which makes me respect and admire you all the more :)
karkrae #11
You really are strong. You also have to be a really big inspiration to me, so thank you for being here and being strong :D
authentic22 #12
"So I will strive to be a better writer. I will strive to be a better person. And I will strive to ignore the bullies who want me to fall. I will stop writing for others and only write for myself."

I personally like this quote from you!!
Fighting!
I know you can do it..
I think your life like taylor swift..

She always get bullied in her school and everybody just keep saying she dreamt too high..
But then she proves herself th she can be famous..and her dream make her this way :)

Be strong!!
DibidisMyNameIsMinho #13
That was so, so... i don't know, it was so deep. And i never would knew that the fluffy and comedy story that i read has so many meaning behinds.Something my mom always tell me is "You don't have to care about the others, just if you feel okay, if you like, then it's okay" I love reading angst stories, idk why, even if i feel sad after reading it, I still love them, maybe it's because i can cry and have a reason to tell people when i do. I've never read any of your others stories but i will get some time and read them.

"I will stop writing for others and only write for myself." Yes, do it, that's good because when you write you have to be happy with it, it's kinda like when you draw something you have to be okay with yourself or else you can't draw anything without being angry or annoyed with the fact you just can't do anything right.

I love your writing, i really do, you make me laugh, even when i'm sad but if you don1t like how is HIMBB is going so you change it, you're the author you control the story :3 I will always read it anyway :))
Fighting author-nim!!
Kisseu~
namyumnam #14
"I will stop writing for others and only write for myself." This is a very good mindset. I'm a very insecure writer myself. I don't post my works and usually don't finish them. But that line got me. I think a writer should know that she writes to express and not to please others. Hwaiting, eonni. :)) You have the talent, eonni. Don't be insecure of your works. they are absolutely wonderful. :)
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