From Her Suicide Note
Lena,
I think we were around 10 when we met each other. You were the weird girl in the back who kept writing in her thick disney princess journal, ignoring everyone except to raise your head to answer questions. I was the girl who never really noticed you until I got my glasses, having to sit next to you because another girl needed my seat. I sat down next to you and stared at your journal, noticing the faces of the princess' marked out.
"I don't like princesses," you murmured to me.
When I asked why, you explained to me that princess' were weak and selfish. That instead of trying to figure out who they were and what they really wanted, they went towards the prince because they believed it was where they had to be.
Pretty big words for a 10 year old.
I stared at you in awe and knew that we would become best friends. You took me under your wing and showed me a different world. I was the first person to know your deepest darkest secrets. I was the first person to see you cry because you were sad for no reason.
And you were the first person to help me not be sad too.
As we spent a lot of time together, I realized how much I hated you. While I was the pretty one, you were the confident and strong one. When people bullied you and called you names, you never backed down. When I was bullied for hanging out with you, you defended me.
And I hated you for that.
I hated you because I couldn't help you the way you helped me. I hated you because you always came to my rescue, even when I didn't need it. You were someone I wanted to be but never could. You would eventually find someone to love more than me.
And I was scared.
I became sad and lonely because you found something you were passionate about. The way you would write stories about girls who were strong yet weak was breathtaking. The way you would make the girl end up with the monster rather than prince charming was inspiring. The fact that you wanted to be a writer made me jealous.
"Lonely people know that the beast isn't that mean and evil. They're just scared of being alone."
You were probably the first person that didn't believe bad people truly existed. You would always argue that they were just sad because they thought no one understood them.
But when I started to be mean to you, when I began to show how much I hated you, you never said anything. You just took my comments and smiled. You would wait until I finally broke down, rubbing my back as I cried for you to leave. I didn't deserve to be your friend no matter how much you defended me. I grew to hate myself because you gave up on your work. You decided to go into medicine. When I asked you why, you would stare at me before looking away.
"Good people shouldn't be sad. Good people shouldn't be sick. People like us shouldn't have to feel sad."
You would stay up into the night, studying your eyes out to make it into med school. While you studied to make us better, I would sit in the background and write about myself. You would encourage me to continue, to make myself happier this way.
But I didn't have the talent you had. I didn't have the strength to try and be happy.
But when I heard you were writing fanfics, the look on your face as you would tell me what you had planned made me happy for once. I couldn't help but feel proud when you started getting readers, when you made them happy. You would run to my house with a notebook full of ideas. You would stare at me and jump with joy.
What I didn't know was that I was your inspiration. That Ae Ri in "Before I Let You Go" was me. That Kai's character in "A Frozen Flower" was me. That Chanmi in "How I Met Byun Baekhyun" was me.
That the depressed girl was me when I yelled at you. That the boy in an unrequited love was me when I fell in love with a boy I couldn't have. That the naive and sweet girl was me when we were together.
Except that you were the one who collected straws.
I would see how happy you looked when you wrote and how sad you were when you studied. I would hate you because you weren't as sad as me anymore. You were changing right in front of me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Yet, I didn't want to stop it.
I wanted you to continue writing, I wanted you to keep making yourself happy.
Even if it meant that I wouldn't be.
So you might be wondering why I decided to leave you. Maybe I couldn't be saved like you. Maybe I was just too sad. Maybe it's my way of making sure I wouldn't stand in your way. But I just want you to know that you will always be my best friend. You will always be the 10 year old girl who hates princesses and the 22 year old whose story got featured.
I just don't want to stay here and be sad. I think there might be a better place for sad people like me. Maybe if I ever get reborn, I can be reborn as you.
So don't be sad anymore and don't feel bad for me anymore. I just hope you continue writing. I just hope you can make good people not feel sad anymore. And I hope that you do meet Suho and marry him. And make sure that Xiumin finds himself a proper girl.
I'll be watching and waiting. I'll be waiting for the moment you get your first book published.
I'll be waiting for the moment you won't have to cry yourself to sleep. The moment you can tell that special boy you like him. The moment where you won't fake a smile anymore.
So make me proud. Make good ol' Katie feel proud.
I am so sorry guys but I can't do this anymore. I'm going to go away for a while so please understand me. I'm not even sure whether or not I'll come back. I just needed to write this so you guys can understand why I'm leaving. My friend Katie committed suicide and I don't have the strength to write anymore. I'll let everyone know if I will come back or not. I just want people to know who my friend was. I just wanted to find a way to cope. This may not be the best way but it's the one I can do it without breaking down.
I'm so sorry.
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