ignore.
Title 1/5
I like your title, but the problem I have with it is, it needs to be re-written to tie with the story. Also, it isn’t grammatically correct. Revealed Longing. It should be, Time Passes and It is Revealed. I don’t know. I at titles.
Foreword 5/10
When I first read the description, I was a tad bit confused. Then I read the story and re-reading the description, it makes more sense now. More clearer.
Plot 15/20
You had a great plot line. The parallel you displayed. First time reading it, I thought he was dreaming at first, but then he wakes up and it was reality, but no. Instead, it was reality, dream, and then reality. It isn’t something that is often seen and the way you wrote it, made the story really enjoyable because most people write the dreams bad and the reality good. So switching it up was really neat.
Characters 15/20
I really wished you explained Yongguk’s character. Explaining why he left. Give a clearer explanation. It was so sudden. Maybe that is how you wanted it, but more explaining would be nice. As for Himchan, it is evident that he is sad and very out of place. That he doesn’t want to face reality because he knows it will hurt.
Grammar and Spelling 13/15
Overall, your grammar and spelling is really well considering English isn’t your first language. Just something I have to point out is:
The well-known scent of Yongguk’s cologne filled his nostrils [...]
It should be written: The aroma of Yongguk’s cologne filled the air around him.
It makes more sense that way. Instead of using common, everyday words, replace them. To make your writing more interesting, look the word up in a thesaurus. It’s a great way to find new words and it also expands your vocabulary. Also, I’m not saying that you can’t use simple words anymore, some writers like Richard Van Camp tells a great story, his writing mostly consumed with simple words, but he tells a great, heartbreaking story.
“I won’t disappear, Himchan,” Yongguk comforts him[...]
Because Yongguk is speaking, but you have to put a period after Himchan because you wrote without using words like say, told, states, etc. Instead, Yongguk is doing action.
“I won’t disappear, Himchan.” Yongguk comforts him[...]
Give me a chance and I’ll fix everything, Himchan repeats in himself, but those words aren’t passing his lips.
Himchan isn’t repeating himself out loud, but instead he is thinking these thoughts.
Give me a chance and I’ll fix everything, Himchan thinks to himself again, wanting the simple words to pass his lips, but they don’t.
One thing I have to note is, you rarely have any fragment sentences. You’re very detailed in your writing.
Flow 7/10
You had a nice flow going. There are some places I wished there were further explaining. Like when he wakes up to Yongguk’s voice and everything is lovey dovey between them, I wished you had explained more of that relationship. The way Himchan wanted them to be.
Enjoyment 8/10
I really enjoyed this. For the most part, I don’t read banghim stories because they’re hard to find. Decent ones I mean. I really liked this.
Structure 3.5/5
It was very cut off and vague. If you had written more vague lines, to give more hints of their relationship, the structure would have been better.
Bonus 5/5
For the great efforts.
80.5/100
Side note: I hope that wasn’t too harsh of a review. I really did enjoy your writing. Also, please remember to credit the shop.
reviewed by willienelson09
Comments