I've been meaning to write this post, but really didn't have the balls for it because I didn't know how well it'd be received. There's still an astounding amount of stigma surrounding mental health—namely neurodivergence (for this context, autism and ADHD) and other illnesses like depression and anxiety. The latter two tend to be the most romanticized (which is bad), while the former still has a lot of work to go in terms of representing it in a way that's not a character being labelled "dumb"/exhausting to their caretakers to handle (arguably even worse). Since my audience here consumes my stories who pertain to an umbrella of conditions, I thought it'd be at least respectfully received if I wrote it here.

Until recently (past year ish), I came to learn that I am autistic and have AD(H)D. It's not a big surprise—but taking this into context, suddenly the characters in my fiction make a lot of sense. See, for example, Jag-eun's obvious main autistic protagonist, Much Ado About Everything's Eun-eun, and Do Kyungsoo/"Sunny'' in Juniper Green to Bitter Black. The thing is—those are the only ones whom I have explicitly mentioned to be autistic; when, in fact, maybe a little humourously, I've accidentally made at least one protagonist in each story have my own neurodivergent conditions in some way or form. Carved on the Pine and Silence of the Flowers' both have an autistic protagonist without explicit mention (a very well-documented symptom of autism is selective mutism; which I have). ADHD protagonists include Baekhyun in Silence of the Flowers and Chanyeol in Carved on the Pine. Throughout the years of struggling with my condition, I've projected myself through these characters and made them lovable. Have people noticed these symptoms and blankly pointed them out, noticing they were in fact symptoms of autism/ADHD? No. But have they received the characters well? To my joy—yes.

I could write a list of my own symptoms and conditions, but it's there. I was self-projecting, unaware that the symptoms I've manifested in my characters are my very own. I've gone days without speaking, I've had days where I had word salad, I experience sensory overload. Not to mention some of the things the characters go through—fortunately, I've not gone anywhere near hard drugs, but I have been hospitalised from overdose. I've got my own scars and I've gone to what seemed like Hell and back. I've been in love and I found the anchor in this world (surprisingly, also a 6' tall man). Writing helped me cope, and it was only natural for me to pour what I experienced into my work. I guess it's shockingly lame to learn that the reason why my stories seem so realistic is because I myself went through more or less the same process, but still—to have an audience that loves an autistic/a character with ADHD without me saying it anywhere in the fic? It gives me comfort.

Asianfanfics is a predominantly (though unsurprisingly) Asian-populated community. Unfortunately, it's rare for neurodivergence (in fanfiction, or really any piece of writing) to be represented as something other than the colloquial descriptions like dumb, stupid, or a lazy copy of Forrest Gump. Worse, outside of fanfiction, mental illness is demonised and not taken seriously in Asia. That being said, despite my portrayals of neurodivergent characters, over and over again represented through multiple stories, presenting with different spectrums of symptoms and personalities, my stories continue to be loved and supported by many, who regard them as "well written". Which, you know—it makes me really happy.

I wrote a good bulk of Silence of the Flowers when I went through a particularly rough patch of my life that manifested in symptoms of psychosis. I was plagued with constant fear in 2019-early 2020, thinking there were people watching me on my TV screen, thinking there was a mysterious entity behind my bathroom door as I showered, compulsively closing doors so that the demons—or whatever they were—couldn't touch me. Those symptoms have faded away since (I had stress/depression-induced psychosis) but I poured out my experience in the form of fiction. I made it my goal to represent the fact that people hallucinating aren't always locked up in wards. They're not "crazy" or "insane" (which are derogatory adjectives) and they're not dangerous serial killers. I had psychosis and I was a sophomore struggling with keeping my attention in class. Silence of the Flowers' Chanyeol was traumatised to a point of breaking. Far too often I see on media people with uncharacteristic symptoms being portrayed as dangerous, rocking back and forth locked up in a ward or something in a ball and chain. If anything, they're more of a danger to themselves.

I want to express that I'm thankful that my audience often comments that my characters are well-written—because that's just simply a portrayal of real life. Autism didn't present as the same symptoms throughout my stories—each one had distinctively different personalities and I made sure that they weren't made from a stereotypical cookie cut. And they were enjoyable to read (well, I hope). And that's real life. And if people can enjoy them, without explicit mention that they have that particular condition—why does the media keep portraying them in stereotypical, stigmatised ways? 

I don’t have an answer as to why, but I sincerely hope that it changes soon.