In a lot of ways this is a letter to my younger self, who haunted the neon backpages of AFF in its early days. I hold the fondest memories of the people who shared my interests, embraced me with open arms and let me explore a part of myself that was "other", in a time when being Asian and consuming Asian media was "other". Beyond the content, it allowed me a space to write, read, delve into the dark and strange places where our hearts and minds go when we do not know any better, it was a learning platorm for me (and maybe not the best) to interact with other outsiders, to imagine these friends were beside me, in my own schools and neighborhoods, that I was not alone.

I look back, and I think, I was so young, and I want to tell that girl to look at me now, to be proud of who I am and what I've become. I want to hold her, softly and with a care that is endless, and tell her that everything within her is waiting to be revealed, the person she dreams of being is already there.

I say this from a removed standpoint- I return to this page almost 10 years after its creation, and I look back on my old posts, fics, comments, as a time capsule from this phase of my life. I was deeply confused, struggled with my identity and perpetually felt removed from my reality. For me, fanfiction was and still is an escape, a chance to capture a feeling, or morph a dark feeling into something beautiful and tangible, to share it with others.

This is not to say there have not been changes to the way fan media, particularly K-POP fan media, has evolved (maybe even devolved) into a stream of stan culture and fruitless following. AFF in its early days was a community that sheltered me, accepted me, and gave me an outlet during dark times of my life. I think often of the people I met, who offered advice and praise and criticism. It is fascinating to look back, but in truth I am grateful to no longer be in this place.

In short, this is only a very brief reflection on the continuation of time, endless, and the way we grow and change. There is beauty in hurting, and feeling alone, but like all things, these feelings pass and we are forced to find our inner strength, to carry out our days with only the will to honor ourselves. To anyone who may read this, who struggles and worries, it passes, we grow and we learn to live with ourselves and our reality. If you do not have a mission in life yet, may your first one be to do right by yourself, to cherish and love yourself for what you are and believe you can be. You can and will get there, it just takes time, which thankfully always moves forward, endlessly, at exactly the right speed. If it feels too slow, enjoy yourself and reflect on this time. Write about how you feel, file it away, burn it, lie in the grass or the dirt and inhale deep. If it feels too fast, know that your destination is better than your wildest dreams, and feel excited. You are ready, you were born ready.

In my heart I hold love and strength and I think of anyone who touched my life through the screen, and I thank them.