~First person narration~

I'm standing in a doorway, while looking at your thinking face. You're sitting on the bed, looking in the abyss. The window is open and it's cold outside. I walk trough the room to close it. You snap out from your thoughts and look at me, but you're not saying anything and go back to your interesting activity.

I tell you, I'm making you tea. Your favorite. Green with prickly pear's fruit. I take out purple cup you got from me as a birthday present and I pour in some tea. I boil water, then pour it into your favorite drink, knocking off a teaspoon from the cupboard by accident. You enter the kitchen, pick up cat from the table and look surprised at volatilazing steam emerging from the cup. You touch hot vessel and jump away. You sit down for a moment, sigh, then you take the cup and go to your room. Cat immediately jumps on the table and falls asleep.

I go check on you. You're dreaming, like my ginger cat. But you're sleeping on the couch with empty mug in your hands. I take vessel from your hands and put it on a cupboard nearby. I cover you with blanket and look at your sleeping face. Then I stand up, pick you up and take you to the bedroom. Dogs are whining and jumping around my legs. I silence them with my stare. I don't want them to wake you up.

Next day, we go out of home. You're walking, sad and deep in thoughts, with boquet of purple roses in your hand. You know this color means longing? Perhaps no, but you wanted to show that way, those flowers are from you.

We enter the graveyard. We pass the graves of different people, known and unknown, until we reach the grave which was our destination. You put flowers on it. Your lower lip begind to shake, then you fall on your knees and start crying. This is too much. I hate when you're crying. I put my hand on your arm and you suddenly become silent. You slowly lift your hand and touch mine. I feel that you're shaking. You turn around and look me in the eyes.

"Shino?" you ask surprised, still looking at me.

Am I only visible, when I touch you? That would explain a lot.

I remember how in March of 2010 you went to your parents and I sat on a bed with results I got from the doctor. Kousuke came to me, because I called him. I had to tell someone.

"Shino, where are you? What happened?" Kousuke entered the hall and looked around.

Then he noticed me.

"Shino, I'm starting to worry. What happened?"

Kousuke approached me and I gave him the results. He looked at them, and then at me, terrified. Then I hugged him and started to cry

"Don't tell anyone." I said, still crying.

It was October, and you caught a cold as always. Izumi called for a band practice, so I left you with first aid kit, tissues and warm tea in bed and went by myself. After a practice I sat on a couch and looked ad packing friends.

"We have to dissolve our band." I said. All three looked at me, shocked.

"Are you insane?" Shin looked at me. "Why?"

"I'm dying." I explained with shaking voice.

Izumi sat down, Akiya froze with bottle of water in his hand, and Shin opened his eyes as wide as he could.

"You're... kidding." said Akiya "You're kidding, right?"

"I wish I was." I said feeling tears coming to my eyes. "Don't tell anyone. I'll think of other reason why we are disbanding. But don't tell anything Yamiyo. I don't want him to worry."

"But Isshi..." started Izumi, but I silenced him with a gesture.

"I want Kagrra, to disband now. Not when I'll be gone." I explained. "Please. Take care of Yamiyo. He'll need you."

I've never been hugged by three crying bandmates before.

Few months later I called Shin to take you somewhere. I was so weak I had no strenght to hide the truth from you. I lied that I'm only tired. I told you, I like when you call me by my full name, when you say you love me. I sent Kousuke a message telling him to come visit me. He couldn't so I asked Akiya. He agreed. And I simply didn't want to be alone, or worry you.

I looked at you, while you were taking off your blouse from a coat hanger. Even though it was middle of July, it was cold outside.

"I'm going to the studio with Shin." you said, smiling. "Maybe we'll record something, then we'll go for a beer. Yeah, it's a good idea."

"I love you, Yamada." I said, approaching you and kissing you lightly.

"I love you to, Shinohara." you smiled and went out of house.

I layed down on the bed. I heard the clock striking twelve o'clock then I've fallen asleep. I woke up for a moment and thought about writing something on my blog. I had just my laptop, when I felt dizzy. I layed down again and drifted away after a while.

I woke up suspiciously calm. Nothing hurt me, nothing was wrong. I stood up and looked at my clothes. They were the same but... White. I turned around and saw myself, still laying on the bed. I died in my sleep, that's good. I approached the door and noticed they aren't locked. I must've forgot. But at least Akiya won't have to pry it open.

Literally few minutes later I heard knocking on the door. After a moment Akiya was standing in the doorway, with Tora behind him

"Opened?" wondered Akiya and looked at also surprised Tora.

He looked around the house. He noticed me. He looked at Tora, then approached my body.

"Isshi, wake up." said quietly Akiya, shaking my arm. "Kami, Isshi, wake up. Shinohara, please, wake up. Hitoshi Shinohara, can you hear me?"

Akya grabbed me by my wrist and froze.

"Amano... Amano, he's... He's dead. Isshi is dead."

Akiya fallen on the floor Tora, who was standing all this time in a bedroom's doorway, shocked, approached Akiya and hugged him. I never saw them cry so much.

~Third person narration~

Shin went ouf of from the bathroom, still drying his wet hair with a towel. He saw smiling Nao, siting in front of his laptop.

"I let myself write a post for my blog from our computer." Nao smiled even wider. "I can, right? I just checked if I have any comments. Now I'll go take a bath and then I'll go back home."

Nao passed Shin in the doorway and went to the bathroom. Then guitarist just now noticed, Izumi is looking sad.

"What happened, Izumida?" asked Shin, approaching his koi.

"Hashi, I..." started Izumi, and gave him his cellphone. "I can't believe it."

Shin took the phone from Izumi's hand and read the message from Tora.

Izumi. Akiya would've called you if you could understand, what he's saying. I decided to write, because my throat is clutched from crying and I couldn't say anything. Me and Akiya found Isshi yesterday... without a pulse. He died, Izumi. Isshi is dead. His family told us to not tell anyone else beside you. Try to explain it somehow to Nao.

Shin sat down from shock. He never wished Isshi death.

Nao wen out from the bathroom. He was confused, seeing Shin's and Izumi's faces.

"What happened?" asked bassist.

"Nao, Isshi was sick." started Shin, who was still shocked. "That's why he wanted Kagrra, to disband. I have to admit, he was a good actor."

"He didn't want to worry you and told us to also stay silent." explained Izumi with shaking voice. "Beside us, Akiya, Tora, Keiyu and Mai also knew. No one else."

"He's in hospital, right?" asked Nao, terrified. "Right?"

"No." Izumi shaked his head and hid his face in his hands.

"Akiya and Tora found him yesterday." explained Shin and sighted. "Nao... Oh, Yamada, he died. Shinohara died yesterday in his sleep."

Nao looked at Shin, then Izumi, then he turned around and ran outside.

"Nao!" Shin stod up, but Izumi stopped him.

"Let's give him a while." he said. "But while might be not enough. It will take him many years to get used to this. If he'll actually ever be able to. But I know right now he ran to his house."

Izumi was right. Nao ran as fast as he could, not noticing people passing by. Shino, his Shino is waiting for him for sure. He'll hold him tight, kiss and apologise for making him worry. Then he'll yell at them for this stupid joke.

Nao barged into his house, quickly opening locked door.

"Shino!" he called. "Shino, where are you?! Shinohara! Shino! Hitoshi Shinohara, where are you?! Shino?!"

Nao ran to the bedroom. On the cupboard he found piece of paper folded few times.

"Akiya." whispered Nao and unfolded the paper.

If you're reading this, you're propably Nao. If you're Nao, you're propably looking for Shinohara. If you're looking for Shinohara, on the back side I wrote you his cousin's number. She'll tell you where they took him. Take Izumi and Shin with you.
Remember, me and Amano will always be there for you and you should know that Shinohara loved you so much.
Akiya

Nao put back the piece of paper on the cupboard with shaking hands. He turned around and took from the shelf framed picture of him with Isshi. Then something fell out from behind the frame. It was a letter. Even though Nao cried, he recognized Isshi's handwriting from afar.

Dear Yamiyo.
I realise that if you grabbed our picture, someting had happened. It's me, who's cleaning the dust in our house, so I don't think something suddenly changed. I guess I've died, right?
Yamiyo, I'm sorry, I haven't told you about my illness, but I didn't want to worry you. I wanted you to smile till the end of my days. Now you also have to smile. Please, don't do anything stupid.
Yes, Kagrra, broke up because of me, but I didn't want to leave you with all the problems my death would've caused.
I love you. I will always love you, Yamada.
Your Shino

Nao, holding picture in one hand, and letter in the other, fallen to his knees. Loud, terrifying and full of despair scream probably heard every neighbour of bassist.

Shin and Izumi were standing in a doorway of Nao's bedroom. They saw Nao saying on the floor and shaking from crying, without any will to live in his eyes.

~First person narration~

You're standing in front of me, still holding my hand. We look each other in the eyes, trying to guess what the other one is thinking.

"Hold me." you whisper and hug me and I embrace you with my arms. "Will you stay with me, Shino?"

"I will stay." I promise, kissing your forehead. "I will stay with you forever, my Yamiyo."

Shinohara Isshi Hitoshi
7 XII 1978 - 18 VII 2011
Rest in peace, my Shino

 

~~The end~~