Chapter 33

 

 

Breaking up with me 

 

 

The conference is boring. Maybe because Sandara is not around. I was texting her while listening to the speaker the whole day. Damn it. I wish the conference will end now so I can call her and hear her voice. I just want to be with her always. I want to see her around. I might go crazy if I can’t see her after this conference. 

 

After the long and boring day, I went straight to my hotel room and took a shower. I just ordered a room service. I’m too lazy to go out. The conference location is great since it’s in the heart of the City. The night’s city lights is spectacular. But I can’t appreciate it since Sandara isn’t around. 

 

Damn it. Without her, everything seems normal and boring. 

 

“How was your day?” Sandara asked when she answered the call. She’s lying on her bed and she looks so beautiful with her disheveled hair. Even if she lacks of sleep, she still looks so beautiful in my eye. 

 

“I missed you, babe.” I pouted, didn’t even bother to answer her question. I want to hold her close to me and feel her warmth. 

 

I saw her laughing from the screen. “I missed you too, babe. But it’ll be fine since the conference will end tomorrow. We will see each other the next day.” 

 

Damn it. I bit my lower lip as I watch her laugh. I chuckled. “Well, I guess see you tomorrow.” 

 

“Huh?” 

 

“After the conference, I’ll leave immediately.” Because I can’t wait to see you again. 

 

“Really?” 

 

“Really. Now tell me what did you do today babe?” 

 

Sandara smiled. “Trial. Then, had dinner with a friend.” 

 

“Who’s that friend?” My eyebrows furrowed. Don’t tell me…

 

“Donghae…?” I saw her hesitating upon mentioning his name. 

 

I just nod and then sighed. I am mature and I trust her but… damn it, I don’t trust that Donghae! I know Sandara won’t do anything that will break us apart but . Why is she with him? Of all people? But I can’t say anything about it. They were friends even before she met me.  I’m jealous because they’re close and got even closer when she went to U.S. Also, Chaerin is now living in U.S. and I don’t think our classmates knew she’s back. So she has no other friends aside from him. Damn it. 

 

“And?” I asked as I sigh and lay down sideways. Sandara did the same. 

 

“Went home.” 

 

I just nod. I observed Sandara and she seems normal. Minus the fact that she kept on looking in-front. Hey eyes kept on wandering. 

 

I eyed her. “Is there a problem?” 

 

She then looked at me. “Huh? Oh, nothing.” 

 

“Are you… alone?” 

 

“Y-Yes.” He eyes wandered. Again. 

 

I know when someone lies. Their body language is different and they seems to be tensed. And right now I know… she’s lying. But why? Why is she lying? Is she hiding something from me? 

 

I… I don’t want to think about bad things but damn it. I can’t help it. 

 

“Really…?” I bit my lower lip. 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

I fell silent. I don’t want to argue about… this. I don’t want to argue when I am away from her. 

 

“Uhm, what time are you coming home?” 

 

“Hmm. Maybe night time. Why?” 

 

She smiled. “N-Nothing. Just wanna know.” 

 

I heard a sound, something that fell off, that made Sandaras eyes widened. “A-Ah! Ji, I need to go to the bathroom. I have to go. Goodnight and I love you.” 

 

She ended the call like nothing happened. I sighed. What the heck is she thinking? If she’s hiding something, she should hide it well. And Sandara is a terrible liar. 

 

A surprise? Oh, about the monthsary. But we’ve decided to do it after the conference. On our leave. Once again, I sighed. 

 

I don’t want to think. I’ve been overthinking these days. Although I am happy that we are going steady, it felt like something is about to happen. I don’t want to have a room of doubt in me— about Sandara, about our relationship. We are mature individuals. I need to trust her. 

 

But… trust? Do I really trust her? 

 

Yes, I do trust her. But sometimes there is still doubts in me. Doubt that someday she will leave me; doubt that she’s just here because of something that she’s been longing. That maybe, she’s just here because she longs to be with me. And that she doesn’t really love me. She just love the idea of me loving her. And vice versa. 

 

What happened to us made me so insecure. I am insecure on the inside. I feel like anytime soon her feelings will fade and one day she will tell me she wants out. I know I’ve forgiven her and I am trying to… not forget but to accept that it is part of our story. Her leaving me like that— without proper explanation and as bad as it may seems, she dropped me like a hot potato. But I will accept it because that’s what happened. I can’t change it. And if it didn’t happen, we aren’t here. But sometimes, I also wonder the what if’s. 

 

What if she told me her plans? What if she left but she trusted me? What if she left but we’re dating? Will we be able to survive LDR? I don’t know. 

 

And I sometimes doubted myself too. My love for her is so… deep. I just can’t explain it. I’m always out of words whenever I want to understand and express my own feelings. And whenever I think about it, I caged myself with the idea of Sandara and me. I tried dating but I failed. For the past 8 years, I’ve been nurturing this love. And it makes me wonder— do I really love her or just the idea of loving her. 

 

I shook my head. What am I even thinking. I love her. My mind, body and soul sings for her. 

 

I cannot explain it because love… doesn’t always have to be define. It has no concrete definition. 

 

I will trust Sandara. I have to. 

 

The next day, I was silently listening to the speaker. I still have 4 hours until the conference ends. I just want to go home and be with her. I know I was overthinking yesterday. I should have known better. Doubts will slowly put crack in a relationship. I should trust her the way she trust me. 

 

I was tapping the table with my fingertips out of boredom when one of the lawyers tapped me on my shoulder. 

 

“Attorney Kwon. This is Attorney Lee. She’s one of the top corporate Lawyers in our firm.” 

 

I shifted my gaze upon hearing the surname and surprised when I saw a familiar face. “Kiko?” 

 

“Gosh! Jiyong!” There’s a tone of excitement on her voice. 

 

She held out her hand for a handshake. I gladly took her hand, still surprised upon seeing her. “It’s been… years!” 

 

She laughed. Kiko matured a lot. There were no trace of the playful girl I used to hangout. With her black corporate suit and hair in a bun, she looks so mature and y. Sophisticated. 

 

“Lee?” I asked her. 

 

Kiko giggled and raised her left hand. I saw a ring. “I’m happily married now, Ji.” 

 

I grin. “Congratulations.” 

 

“I’m still shocked. I can’t believe I’ll see you here.” She said while sitting beside me. “I mean, I know you’re smart but I didn’t see you becoming a lawyer.” 

 

I laughed as I stare at Kiko. She’s already married. Happily married. If I’ll be honest, I really thought she’ll stay the same— playful Kiko. Because just like me, we both know we won’t fall inlove. We just love the game. 

 

“It just happened.” Yeah, it was. I mean, if I didn’t love Sandara, I won’t become a lawyer. Maybe I’ll be working my of as an Architect and maybe… play around. Like what I’ve been doing before. Meeting her and knowing her really changed the game. Changed me. In a good way. 

 

“How’s life?” She asked as she sip her coffee. We were casually chatting since we had our short break. 

 

“Fine. Steady dating my girlfriend.” I replied. I look at her. “When did you get married?” 

 

“Just last year.” She giggled. Wow. I still can’t believe she can giggle like that. “Who’s your girlfriend by the way?” 

 

“Guess who?” I grinned. 

 

Her eyes widened. “No way. That girl? Still that plain girl?” 

 

I laughed. “Yes. That amazing girl.” 

 

“Wow. I mean, don’t get me wrong but, I really thought she’s just… your past time. She’s not your type.” 

 

I shook my head. Am I really an before? I think… I was nice though. And I agree, Sandara isn’t really my type. Before. And preferences change. 

 

“Nah.” 

 

“How is she? Gosh! I can’t believe this. All of your exes will cry because you’re really dating someone!” 

 

“Well, she’s also a lawyer. I work on their firm. But she’s not here since she just got back from the U.S. I was the one who was sent here instead.” 

 

Kiko nods. “So, you two were in a LDR before? This is really a hot topic! I can’t believe this… wow..” 

 

I shook my head. “Well, hmm, how do I say this. Sandara and I didn’t really dated in College. Actually, we just started dating.” 

 

Her eyes widened. Kiko looked really surprised. “Really? Damn. I thought you two were really dating before. I mean, you two were always together. I even saw you at the club punching some just for her. You look like a crazy obsessed boyfriend, Ji.” She laughed. 

 

I grinned at the memory. Damn it. 

 

“Am I?” 

 

“Yes. You kept on chasing her. Everyone knows you’re smitten.” 

 

I just laughed again. I can’t believe that I am hearing this from other people. I know I kept on clinging to Sandara before but not to the point of people thinking I was obsessed. Am I not? I guess looking back, I am. 

 

“Well, good thing you two were together now.” 

 

“That was a long journey.” I said. 

 

“So, when will you two get married? I mean, we’re of age.” 

 

Marriage. I honestly want to marry Sandara. If I could just marry her right now, I would. But I am also worried of her. If she’s ready or not. She might want to enjoy life and settle down later. Or she just want to test the waters first. We just started dating for real. We’re like in a getting to know each other stage. 

 

“Let’s just see.” I answered. 

 

Kiko snickered. “Let’s see huh. But your face screams ‘soon’. Gosh. You’re really crazy.” 

 

I just laughed. 

 

After the conference, Kiko and I exchanged numbers. She even invited me to dinner with her husband. I excitedly went home, wanting to surprise my girlfriend. Is she waiting for me? Is she asleep by now? 

 

It’s already 10PM. Maybe she’s asleep. Well, I hope she’s waiting for me in my unit. 

 

I inserted the keys hurriedly. As I open the door, I saw that the lights were dimmed. My eyebrows furrowed. Is she not here? I was about to go out and knock on her unit when my eyes saw something interesting on the floor as I put down my bag. 

 

The floors has… rose petals? Now that I realise it, I can even smell the scented candles. My eyes went to the dinning table and saw she’s prepared a dinner. A candlelight dinner for us. There were balloons all over the place and a letter-shaped balloon that says ‘HAPPY MONTHSARY’. My girlfriend is so ing cute. 

 

My heart starts to get a warm feeling upon realising that she’s trying to surprise me. I looked around only to find her sleeping soundly on the sofa. She’s wearing a floral dress that really suits her. Everything she’ll wear suits her. 

 

I cupped her face and smile. My sweet Sandara. I kissed her temple making her stirred. She opens her eyes and smiled upon seeing me. 

 

“I’m home, babe.” I said. 

 

“Welcome home, babe.” She said. 

 

She stretched out her hand and smiled. She reached for me and kissed my cheeks. “I missed you.” 

 

I chuckled. I lifted her up for a hug making her giggle. She wrapped her legs on my torso. 

 

“I missed you more.” I said as I give her small kisses on her face. Ahh, now I am calm and happy. 

 

“I was really waiting patiently but you’re so late that it made me fall asleep.” She said while pouting. 

 

“I’m sorry.” I looked at her apologetic. “Blame it to the traffic.” 

 

She just laugh at me. “Now, let’s start again. Go out. When you open the door, act surprised okay? I prepared this so I could surprise you, you know.” 

 

I put her down as I nod. Damn it. I can do anything for this sweet angel. “Okay.” 

 

She pushed me lightly while giggling. “Now go.” 

 

“Fine, fine.” 

 

I went out of my own unit, laughing. Seriously. We act like teenagers. Like dating for the first time. Upon realising it, we didn’t experience dating for real. I cannot even remember we had dates like this. We usually study and date— if it makes sense. Library dates. I chuckled at the memory. 

 

I opened the door and well, act surprised upon seeing the room. 

 

“Surprise, babe! Happy monthsary!” 

 

I laughed upon seeing her holding a flower. She handed it to me and kissed me fully on my lips. Damn. I responded to her kisses, even lifting her to deepen the kiss. 

 

Sandara pulled away and slightly punch my shoulder. “Okay. Stop.” 

 

“I can’t help it, babe.” 

 

Damn it. I am so smitten. 

 

“Let’s eat dinner first.” She said while getting down. 

 

“Then, I’ll eat you later?” I whispered on her ear. 

 

“J-Jiyong!” 

 

I laughed as I held her hand and went to the table. There’s stake and wine. More rose petals scattered on the table. My heart swelled. She prepared so many things for me and it’s making me so happy. Damn it. I’m getting softer and softer each time I am with her. 

 

“Did you cook this?” 

 

She giggled but shook her head. “I just ordered take out.” 

 

I laughed and kissed her temple. I pulled the chair beside me so she can sit. That’s our thing, when eating we sit beside each other. 

 

“And you even bought flower for me. Which I should have done! Damn, babe. You prepared so many things! I’m a useless boyfriend.” I said, pouting. 

 

She laughed and wrapped her hand on my arm. “You’re the one who always buy me flowers.” 

 

“Because I want to.” 

 

“And that’s what I did. I bought you flowers because I want too.” 

 

“I wish I prepared something.” I honestly said. “I even thought you were doing some… things while I was away.” 

 

Her eyebrows furrowed while looking at me. “Huh? What do you mean?” 

 

“When you called last night you acted to weird and you lied to me. I thought you’re with someone else in my unit.” I confessed. “I’m sorry I doubted you.” 

 

“Oh, I was preparing for the surprise! The balloon design fell of so…” 

 

“I’m sorry. I was just… paranoid.” 

 

Sandara just smiled at me. She put her head on my shoulder and giggled. “I won’t leave you. I won’t betray you again, Ji. Also, I won’t ever cheat on you. I hope you trust me this time.” 

 

I sighed as I pull her closer to me. 

 

This is… just a me problem. Am I traumatised? Because she left me? I don’t think so… am I? But I am assured that she loves me. That she won’t leave me. Maybe. I hope. I don’t know what the heck I was thinking yesterday. I trust Sandara. Damn it. 

 

Do I need more assurance? Sandara gave me assurance. That she won’t leave me, that she won’t lie to me again. What more can I ask for? Is that not enough? Will I really believe her this time? Because she told me before those same words and yet… damn it. 

 

“I’m sorry for overthinking and doubting you.” I said as I sigh. “Sorry. I spoiled the moment.” 

 

Sandara laughed. “Don’t be. I’m happy you were honest with what you think.” 

 

“Maybe I missed you that much that it made me paranoid.” I laughed. “S-Sorry. Am I… being possessive?” 

 

Sandara sadly smile as she held my hand. “No. You have all the rights to be like this. I… I did something terrible before. And I feel guilty when you’re like this, Ji. I… I want the confident Jiyong back. I know I did the worst thing before but I really really think we can make this work out. Please, trust me. I won’t leave you again. Because I love you.” 

 

I cupped her face and smile. “I trust you and I love you, Sandara.” 

 

She nods. We ate enthusiastically and talked about so many things. With Sandara, everything is really fun and calm. I never thought that dating her will be like this. 

 

“Uhm, Ji. I have something to say.” She said while washing the dishes. 

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“There’s a thing. Uhm, Stanford called me.” 

 

I stiffened for a moment. I sighed and smiled at her. “Hmm?” 

 

“T-They offered me… to uhm, teach there for a year.” 

 

I didn’t respond. I continued washing the dishes silently. My mind is frantically thinking. I… . 

 

“Ji…” she nudged me. “I-If you don’t want to I can—“

 

“Do… do you want to do it?” I calmly asked her. 

 

Sandara panicked upon facing me. She hurriedly wiped off her hand and hugged me tight. “Ji… I want to but if you don’t like this, I won’t.” 

 

“You know what I learned about what happened to us? It is to let you go, with all my heart, if necessary and wait for you. I will support you, Sandara. Whatever’s your decision. I… I will always be here for you. B-But I also hope, you include me in this journey this time.” 

 

Sandara sniffed as she hug me tighter. I know she’s crying. But she has no reason to cry or be sad. 

 

“A-Are you b-breaking up with me?” With her trembling voice she asked. 

 

Damn it. Do I sound like I am breaking up with her?