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Jessica’s POV:

 

Taengoo had texted to ask me this morning if I was okay to welcome her at seven in the evening at my place as she got to settle her work before taking a break for a few days like both of us agree last night. Of course, I said I was okay as I was actually nervous to meet my personal counselor who will share a space inside of my house and will listen to all of my problems for the next two weeks.

 

Truthfully, I wish I could cancel the course because I was so embarrassed to see her in person and share my problem. But I have no choice. I was desperate! I obviously need a help after I lied to my family and friends that I was okay. I’m stronger on the surface, but deep inside me, I was struggling. Always confusing myself all over again with my choice. One time I want to marry him, another time I want to forget him and to move on. It applied the same thing when I thought about to die. I thought that I’ve lost myself control or was about to lose it… I can’t fight them alone. I was insecure. My closest friends always said to me, ‘move on’ Jessica. I wish I could scream right in front of their face that it’s not easy to do it. I hate the two words! Period!

 

She replied me again by telling me I can have my dinner first because she will get her dinner outside. But how can I eat alone when I lost appetite? I’ve been skipping lunch and dinner since I didn’t know how many days already. My waist was getting smaller and smaller each day. I obviously lost some pounds. Well, for a slim person like me, it’s clearly not a good thing. I don’t want to be too skinny or as bad as a living corpse. It’s really not healthy. That’s why I’m still taking my breakfast even if I don’t feel like I can swallow anything down my throat.

 

I wish I could have a break from my daily work life, but I still care to come to the office and see my employees, masking my face again as if I already move on, just like how everyone thought I already was. I don’t feel I could concentrate with my work when I see that woman who acts like she won a diamond against me. Despite, I tried hard to stay busy. I’ve cleaned my office entirely like I wanted to take a break forever or will never return to my desk anymore. The thing that I have never cared to do it before, I have done it now. The struggle was real! It happened the same thing when I was at home. I tried to distract myself, always trying, no one knows!

 

Since in the morning Seoul city has been hit with strong wind and heavy rain. Not only that, but thunder and lightning will also take turns, making me frightened and adding more to my stress level. I hate summer storm! The weather really represent my current mood. The feeling I had always never good these days. I cried a lot again today. It’s not a good sight to see my ex was fetching his girlfriend out for lunch. He always did it to me before, when I was still his only beloved girl. Now, I was just like a trash in his eyes.

 

I could still feel the pain of his hard slap a week ago. Like a sharp blade slowly cutting my skin – it hurts again when I recalled his past sweetness. They are like a scar, scaring me when the wound slowly getting deeper. He was so contrast to himself before. It’s so ugly to be the only one who has a feeling left. I hate this one sided feeling. I wish I could take out my brain and delete part of my memory so it can lessen my pain. I can’t live like this. I was so frustrated when my foolish self still wants to fight for a man like him. It’s so terrifying and sickening! I should be happy as he was getting too far away from my reach right now, but I felt dying. This chaotic feeling will never leave me alone. The battle was too real to ignore!

 

The suicide word haunts me again while I was driving home in drizzling rain. I almost caught in a car accident that I created. My funny mind was hoping if I get hospitalize my ex will visit me and will eventually get back to me. Or, if that won’t happen, maybe I could have a memory loss. But I know the percentage was very low to have a memory loss and what's more to get a visit from someone who already out of love towards me. And I cried messily again in my car with a good sad song that always accompanied me. I was so depressed! The never ending cycle that I don’t want to remember was now playing in my head like a broken record. It goes repeatedly, giving me a headache and pain that I can’t handle. They go like a war! I tried to stop them, but they win! I really need someone to comfort me. I need to speak. I need to let go of my pain. Because I want to die if I don’t!

 

Someone was knocking my car and I heard a honking sound from the road user at the back of me. They brought me back to reality, at least helping me to stop the war that was too happening in my brain for a while. I lowered the car window when the person gave another knock.

 

“Are you okay, agassi? Did you hurt anywhere?”

 

The person in a dark brown leather jacket with a helmet still on his face asked me unclearly. I wish I could tell the person that I was okay physically, but not mentally. Most likely I look stupid with my cries right now. So, I wiped my tears hurriedly as I thought that’s maybe the reason why he asked me like that. I took a deep breath to compose myself from my cry so I could reply him. I regret what I did because he had the same fragrance like my ex. I wanted to curse him right here, right now! I know it’s not his fault, somehow I just dislike when he just reminded me of my ex when I thought I could get distracted or have a break for a while. Why the world is so cruel to me?

 

“I’m fine!”

 

I roll up the window after giving him my cold replied. I wanted to leave from the place immediately, but I saw a superbike was lying flat on the ground about less than ten feet away in front of my car. Now, it alarmed me when I saw the person who talked with me not so long ago was walking a little limp towards the bike. Did it happen because of me? I kept on asking myself as I just remember a while ago that I have made a sudden brake and did a little corner to the side of the road after a good speed of crazy driving. Did he perhaps… No! It can’t be! But I can't remember anything completely if his bike was near me at that time.

 

I accelerated away after the guy left from the area and never turn towards my direction. I kept on telling myself that it’s not my fault. If it’s my fault, the person will demand me to pay him on the spot for the hospital fee, his bike damage or worst case to report it directly to the police traffic. The thing happened scared me somehow. It leads me to drive carefully like someone who was on a driving test.

 

Taengoo was texting me again at seven, telling me she will be late. I ing hate someone who is not punctual. I don’t take the course for free. I ing paid her, although I know it's not that much for two week course! I was on the verge of wanting to cancel the course, but I deleted whatever I write on my phone and leave, ‘K’ with two exclamation marks (!!) as a reply. I hope she’s ing understand that I start to hate her attitude. We haven’t started the course yet, but I already hate her. I don’t know how far I can stand if she’s giving me another reason to hate her again.

 

The clock strike to ten thirty nine when she finally message me and telling me she was waiting in the lobby of my parents’ condominium in Gangnam. Since she had no access card to enter the elevator that will bring her exclusively to my penthouse, I have to take her down in the lobby. I quickly gather my messy hair in a ponytail to roll it over as a bun and clip it. Then, I slide in the black kimono style robe on my body to cover my y V-neck black nightie as I was so lazy to make a change. Strangely, I was in the mood to get my sleep while waiting her when I never had it after my break up. Indeed, she made me so sleepy to wait her arrival a while ago.

 

As I came out of the elevator, I was welcomed with the sight of the only person standing with a medium dark blue luggage and guitar bag in the lobby. She looks smartly dressed in her brown Timberland boots and casual white Tommy Hilfiger T-shirt that tucked nicely inside her faded ripped denim shorts. From my point of view, she’s not that tall. I could say she is only a few centimeters higher than me or has the same height as me if minus the boots. She has a slim body and in a good shape. Her hair was long and straight, passed down a little lower than her . Unlike me, she is a brunette! It really suits with her fair skin as what I can see.

 

I think she noticed I was walking towards her direction with my worn out face when she keeps her eyes locked on me. She better says her sorry for being this late if she doesn’t want me to scold her. I was hoping she says something first when I was just two steps away from her, but nothing came out of . She got this serious face like she was copying my expression. The way she was staring at me right now make me doubt if I get the wrong person. I checked my surroundings to see if there's someone else there beside us, but none other than the receptionist in the lobby. So, I can't be wrong. Why was she giving me a serious look like that anyway?

 

I tried to call her number and it directed me again to the person in front of me when her cellphone rang to some heavy metal tunes.

 

"You are J-ssi?"

 

She finally probed in surprise when I thought I had registered a course with a mute counselor. I cancelled the call and paid my attention back to her. Her voice sounded so familiar. I tried to recall something, but I couldn't get anything. I nod once, looking at her hand that she extended forward. At that time I noticed about the bandage around her right arm. It was at the same color as her skin, answering my doubt to why I didn’t notice it even earlier.

"You can call me Jessica since you already know my name yesterday." I mentioned that as I want her to be comfortable with me. I know when I wired the money she will know my full name. Furthermore, there's nothing to hide when I already made up my mind to choose her as my counselor.

 

"Nice to meet you, Jessica-ssi. I'm Taengoo. You may call me Taengoo. Sorry I came late. I regret my action to make you wait. It won't happen again."

 

Her voice was softer than earlier and she was saying the thing that I hope she