(BIGBANG - "If you" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p84KzuffsC8 /I recommend you put this on replay while reading it/)

 

 

 

 

“Our memories that I secretly put in my drawer,

that I’d take them out and reminisce again by myself.”

 

 

 

Irene dully hovers near the clinic even when she has been there for an hour already. It takes tons of courage for her to push that goddamn door and get in. Who knows what’s waiting for her inside? But what else can she do?

 

 

Wendy was, surprisingly, still sleeping when she went out this noon. And her door was again, ajar. Maybe she’s really exhausted lately, for everything. Irene cannot be more grateful towards this girl for being so understanding and believing her. And she gradually understands why she would fall in love with this girl in the future. Isn’t her a perfect lover everyone is craving for? What more could she ask for? Or perhaps it’s just because she’s a girl and she’s a girl too.

 

 

And she gradually grows to hate herself being unable to return her feelings. Because she’s still Onew’s girlfriend and she still likes him, although it isn’t supposed to be like that in 2020. It’s also one of the reasons why she knows she has to fix this, go back, or do something, anything. It’s hurting both of them, especially Wendy.

 

 

 

After reading those messages last night, it’s quite obvious for her to see how much Wendy loves her. Maybe a little too much. And Irene doesn’t think she deserves it. What did she do to deserve her, really? 

 

So she feels an urge to know everything that have happened or would happen in her life. And, why. Why is she chosen? What regret does she have really?

 

 

“You’re here,” The doctor adjusts his awfully old-fashioned glasses while leading her to a small room. “And quicker than I thought.”

 

 

“Just show me those things I need to know.” Irene sits down on a plain-looking chair as there’s nothing else except that.

 

 

“Remember what I said yesterday? You can make your own decision - untangle or tangle it back, and change your faith. As long as you won’t regret this time.” He smiles and fishes out a pocket watch. “Take this and hold it in your hands. It will take you to the times you need to go. Turn the hands if you wish to stop.”

 

 

Irene nods and places the watch on her palm, “It’s easy enough.”

 

 

 

“Close your eyes after I close the door. It starts by itself. And I will be waiting outside.” The doctor speaks as he is standing at the door. “As a timekeeper, I ought to keep you safe too.”

 

 

“Alright.” She can then start to feel her heart beating faster and faster. “T-thanks.”

 

 

“Good luck.” 

 

 

 

And he closes the door.

 

 

So she closes her eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

It’s just like watching a movie. Scenes play in front of her and all she has to do is watch.  Irene sees herself and Wendy standing face to face in the living room of the house they share. They don’t look too different from 2020 so Irene thinks it’s somewhat near. 

 

 

But they don’t look so pleased either. Wendy is staring at a broken phone on the floor, which is likely tossed by one of them, and the Irene there is regulating her breath painstakingly. It looks like they just had a fight.

 

 

“I can’t do this anymore.” Irene mutters, sounding very much like pleading.

 

 

“You want to live a fuller life, I understand.” Wendy is very good at repressing herself. She answers in a scarily, overly-composed tone.

 

 

 

“I’m so sorry.” She tries to muffle her sobs but fails miserably. “I don’t want it to become a regret in my life.”

 

 

She slowly bends down and takes the phone in her hand, “So, I guess, this is the time. It’s no use for me to say anything now.”

 

 

“Seungwan.” She weeps. “I didn’t mean that.”

 

 

“Just say you don’t love me anymore and I'll let you go.” She softly puts the broken object on the table. So, it’s Irene’s phone.

 

 

 

“Let’s…... just- let's not see each other again.” It’s all she says.

 

 

“If that’s what you want.” Wendy complies so easily and leaves the house so silently.

 

 

 

“She is leaving,

And I can’t do anything.

Love is leaving,

Like a fool, I’m blankly standing here.”

 

 

 

And “the 2015 Irene” wonders if Wendy ever gets angry. 

 

 

Before she is brought away again, she manages to take a look on the calendar on the wall. It says it’s 2023.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

Then she is in some sort of wedding. People are all dressed up. It’s her wedding. 

 

 

Another woman is applying make-up for her in the bride’s room. She looks older, wan and peaky although it’s her big day. 

 

 

 

Seulgi, who appears to her bridesmaid, suddenly comes in and gestures the others to leave them for a moment.

 

 

“You should see this.” She hands her a letter. “They said someone dropped it at the counter.”

 

 

It’s a letter from Wendy. Of course. Written “To Bae Joohyun” on the purple envelope, with her neat handwriting.

 

 

 

 

“To my dearest Irene, 

 

 

I know I have lost the privilege to call you ‘Joohyun’, so…... 

 

And, congratulations.

 

I hope he would be your true happiness and you would live happily ever after with him, without any regrets. And I know your children would be beautiful.

 

 

I’m sorry for breaking one of those two promises. Only if you still remember them. 

 

 

Smile more, especially today. Although I know you look gorgeous every single day.

 

If I am a memory that haunts you in your sleep, then forget me.

 

You know I wouldn’t mind as long as you’re happy.

 

 

Love, 

 

Wendy.

 

30 September 2027.”

 

 

 

 

“I’m looking at her, getting farther away,

She becomes a small dot and then disappears.”

 

“Of course I remember them..…” The woman bursts into tears after reading it. Frankly, who wouldn’t? “You’re such a jerk, you...... Seungwan. I’m sorry.”

 

 

“Well,” Seulgi sighs and hands her some tissue papers. “You’re the real jerk who chose to leave her because of some stupid reason, if you ask me….. Don’t blame me for being mean and don’t ruin your make-up. I told you this could happen. It’s too late to do anything now.”

 

 

Irene wants to see whom she is married to but she’s taken to another place, or "time", already.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

Wendy is kneeling in front of Irene who is sobbing on the couch, while holding her hands ever so tightly. Why she has to see herself cry every time? What year is it, or was it? It should be somewhere before they broke up, right?

 

 

“Joohyun, look at me.” 

 

 

And she does, “You know I-I love you and I-I…..”

 

 

“I know, that’s why you came to my house after reading my text, no?” Wendy tenderly smiles and caresses her palms with her thumbs. “I know someone or something would break us apart some day. Just like your parents. But we can prove them wrong. Please don’t give up, Joohyun. I won’t give up, only if, you don’t love me anymore. Okay?”

 

 

 

The sobbing girl instantly breaks a smile while nodding. And Wendy is cutely chuckling along.

 

 

So this must be in 2019. Irene has good memory. She remembers that text message in her phone. Oh, she can’t believe they are breaking up 4 years after this.

 

 

 

“Seungwan, can you promise me one thing?” She sincerely asks as the other girl is busy wiping her tears. 

 

 

“Say it.”

 

 

“Promise…... You’ll always stay with me, as a part of my life.” She gives her hand a tug.

 

 

“Anything you like.” She chuckles and pecks her forehead. Just like she did when she woke up that day. “I promise you.”

 

 

 

Oops, so she has found the two promises. And she thinks she’s really the real jerk. Seulgi’s right about her.

 

 

 

“And do you really mean that? Moving in together?” Her eyes are sparkling, but not with tears anymore. 

 

 

“I have never lie to you, haven’t I? I always mean what I said.” She scrunches her nose a little, leaning in for an Eskimo kiss. “I keep my words, and my promises.”

 

 

Then they eventually share a genuine, chaste kiss.

 

 

Irene doesn’t know how she is supposed to react witnessing such a romantic and intimate moment between herself and Wendy after a rather heartbreaking one.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

It’s still 2019, because the first thing Irene sees after the kiss, is the schedule hanging on the wall of Wendy’s study room. Oddly familiar. 

 

 

And Wendy is so focused on those letters scattered on her desk. She must be working for the Police. Didn’t she say she often works as a forensic linguist? She doesn’t even realize thw 2019 Irene has opened the door and sneaked in. The poor brunette jumps up from her seat when she surprises her with a back hug.

 

 

“Oh my god, you got me there.” Wendy lets out her adorable chuckles again, patting Irene’s arm which is circled on her neck from behind.

 

 

“Hehehe. You should get used to it since you’re living with me now.” She steals a peck on her cheek before burying her face into the crook of Wendy’s neck again.

 

 

 

“Hey, it’s itchy…. You can be really weird sometimes.” She sighs while turning her body around to face the older yet playful girl.

 

 

“Whatever.” She childishly shrugs. “In fact, I am…... kinda  scared. I don’t know where you are and what you are doing. It feels like you would disappear anytime.”

 

 

“But I am working. I need to work. I need to focus. I have to-” 

 

 

“But…...” She sulks, and unknowingly pouts.

 

 

 

“What if I leave the door open for a little from now on?” Wendy taps her finger on her chin. “So that you can know I’m here without interrupting me.”

 

 

“Great idea-” She makes her attempt to steal a peck on her lips but is stopped.

 

 

“Now I really need to finish the authentication within today.” She pushes her lightly. “And leave the door ajar, you big baby.”

 

 

“Okay,” She groans and turns away snickering. “I’ll save it for tonight.”

 

 

 

“No, you big ert stay away from me.” Wendy dramatically exclaims but her eyes are smiling.

 

 

“You’re not going anywhere now. We’re living under the same roof!” Irene flashes an evil smirk while strutting in her bunny slippers. “I’ll be waiting for you tonight. Finish your work quickly!”

 

 

And so, Irene finally finds out the reason why Wendy has never close a door shut except for the bathroom in their house.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

Irene is exhausted after watching so many “flashbacks”, or memories of hers. And it looks like she has reached the final destination. 

 

 

She is now standing in a graveyard, watching a bunch of weeping people in front of a tombstone from afar. It’s someone’s funeral.

 

 

 

She is nearly scared less as someone appears magically next to her. She can almost recognize Wendy immediately even when there are little wrinkles on her face and her cheeks are no longer squishy. Her bushy eyebrows are still there though. She looks very dispirited and pallid.

 

 

And surely, she can’t see her.

 

 

 

Irene has lost the ability to react long ago. She is witnessing her own funeral. Well, at least there are many people care to greet her one last time. Even Wendy, the one she’d hurt the most in her entire life.

 

 

Wendy waits until most people are gone. She walks very slowly. Maybe her joins aren’t working that well or maybe it’s because the deep grief  is dragging her feet. She exchanges a glance and smile with another fairly old man, whom Irene believes as her “future husband” while pacing towards that tombstone.

 

 

“Was it…... peaceful?” Wendy asks another woman whom has been expecting her, and that is clearly, Seulgi.

 

 

“You know she had been sick for some years. But all her family and friends were there.” 

 

 

“It's, good then.” 

 

 

“But not you. You weren't there.”

 

 

 

Wendy glues her eyes at the tombstone over Seulgi’s shoulder, “Does it matter?”  

 

 

“It does.” The taller woman sternly replies. “You've moved back to Canada years ago and you've been avoiding to meet her since, even before her death.”

 

 

“Stop it, Seulgi.” She advances a few steps towards where Irene is rested.

 

 

“I have been trying to reach you. And all you did was giving me that letter on the day she was married to him and asking me a bunch of useless questions about her.”

 

 

 

Seulgi is angry. And Wendy is crying.

 

 

“Only if you know the last words she had said to me. I was just doing everything she had asked me to.” She sniffles.

 

 

“I know she had done wrong.” She shakes her head. “But you should've come back earlier to see her one last time. I think it’s her only wish.”

 

 

 

“If it’s not too late,

Can’t we get back together?”

 

 

 

“It’s too late for everything.” Wendy is already kneeling in front of that tombstone. “It has always been this way for us. Hasn’t it, Seul?”

 

 

“I’m so sorry, Wendy. I didn't mean to....... Ah, I’m just glad you came eventually.” Seulgi decides it's time to leave her alone.

 

 

Wendy brings her palms to her tears-damped cheeks but she can’t really dry them. Tears keep coming out as she keeps staring at the photo embedded onto the cold tombstone in front of her.

 

 

And the living Irene’s brain is completely blank. 

 

 

 

“Hey. Joohyun-ah.” Wendy’s voice is so warm but husky at the same time, making the living Joohyun wants to respond to her calling. Her fingers are carefully tracing on the carvings there - Irene’s name. “I think I’ve kept my promises finally. I came to see you until now. Your children are all very beautiful, just like you. I bet they’re smart and capable like you too. I hope you really lived a greater, fuller life without me. Still, I’m so happy that I was a part of that, just like I’ve promised you. I-”

 

 

Irene wants to pat Wendy’s shoulder so that she could give a little comfort to this poor woman. But she forgets she can’t touch her.

 

 

So the woman speaks again, so breathlessly, “I’ve never love someone like I love you. Never. Even if it might not be the same for you. I still love you. Although you left me, I haven’t regretted loving you. Even now, I think, if we ever see each other in our next life. If there is one, I would still choose to love you all over again. I’m so sorry. I miss you so much…...” 

 

 

As Wendy is sniveling onto her palms again, Irene takes a chance to read the tombstone. 

 

 

So she would be dead in 2055. And Wendy is her regret. 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

“You’re pretty tough.” Irene opens her eyes again and the doctor is smiling at her. 

 

 

“How didn’t you tell me I…... died?” She takes a deep breath and hands the pocket watch back to him.

 

 

“You are not dead anymore.” He grins wider. “You made a wish. So here you are, to make a change!”

 

 

“What can I do after you have sent me back…...  to 2015?” She stands up and her limbs are numb after sitting too long.

 

 

 

“Let me tell you something more interesting.” He rubs his hands a little. “There’re two ways for you. They key is about “you and Wendy”, as you might have figured out. But we’re fair. We think we should let you choose.”

 

 

“Choose what?” She peevishly asks.

 

 

“Easy.” He shushes her. “As you might have noticed, you are 'originally' in 2015, right? Where you haven’t met Wendy. So, now, you can choose…... Either way, you shouldn’t have any regret with your choice this time.”

 

 

“You mean I can choose not to meet Wendy?”

 

 

 

“Not really. Unfortunately, she doesn’t regret loving you even in the end. Her faith, her memories would still be woven with yours. You’ll still meet her, but the difference is, whether you’ll still love her or not.”

 

 

“What if…... I don’t love her?”

 

 

He takes off his glasses, “Or, rather, let me tell you an alternative 2020 in which you don’t love her. Wendy would become your new best friend. As Kang Seulgi has moved to Japan with Park Sooyoung. And she would watch over you throughout your life. You’ll live longer too.”

 

 

Irene stutters thinking of something horrible. “B-but would Wendy still love me?”

 

 

Because she remembers Seulgi’s words - we are often left with regrets even after breaking hundreds of hearts, ‘cause we know it’s too late. The person we should be with is already gone, or has become the closest ‘friend’ we’d ever have who would be watching us breaking our and others' hearts throughout our poor lives.

 

 

 

“I can’t tell you that.”

 

 

“Why?”

 

 

He pulls the door open gesturing her to exit the room, “It would affect your choice.”

 

 

“I-”

 

 

“You still have a boyfriend, right?” He cuts her off. “Do you love him? You can choose him. It’s your chance to live again. If you choose to love Wendy again, can you make sure you won’t hurt her again like you did?”

 

 

Irene shuts her lips and walks out of the room.

 

 

“I will give you some pills. Take it and go to bed.” He guides her the way as he speaks. “Then you will be back to 2015 when you wake up. You might forget everything about this time-travel thing, or you might not. And the choice would find you, sooner or later.”

 

 

 

Irene is still not saying a word. But it’s pretty normal in the doctor’s eyes. He has seen worse so he blabbers on.

 

 

“If you remember all these, I think it’s pretty obvious what you would choose. Just my humble opinion.”

 

 

When they reach the entrance of the clinic, she parts her lips as she takes the small bottle from his hands. “Thank you.”

 

 

“You’re welcome.” He bows a little. “And good luck.”

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

It’s already nighttime when she comes out of the clinic. And she goes straight back to the house. Without any other thoughts. She has seen too much today.

 

 

She pushes the door open and the house is lifeless. She thought Wendy was free today. But again, why does she think Wendy will be waiting for her to come home? Perhaps she too knows how Wendy loves Bae Joohyun way too much.

 

 

She was planning to go to bed as soon as she can. But she spots the same ajar door, Wendy’s study room door. And there’s a weak light coming out from the gap. It’s rude but out of great curiosity, she still peeps inside. 

 

 

Of course, Wendy is there. Her shoulders are moving, twitching in a very small degree. She’s holding something at her chest.

 

 

 

It is what exactly Irene doesn’t want to see so she flees to the bedroom. And she notices the photo frame, which was placed on the nightstand, is gone. So it’s what Wendy’s holding.

 

 

She thinks she can feel her pain too. She has been too selfish, even now.

 

 

She should fix this. Although she still doesn’t understand why, why Wendy loves her even when it hurts.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

Wendy knocks on the bedroom when Irene is about to take the pills.

 

 

“Can I come in?”

 

 

“Y-yes.” So, she holds them on her palm instead.

 

 

 

“Did I, hm, interrupt anything?” She timidly asks. 

 

 

“Nothing.” She can't help but notice that Wendy’s eyes are still puffy. “Just, these pills are helping me to go back.”

 

 

And Wendy agapes, “Oh, really? You found the way?”

 

 

“Yeah, I suppose.” 

 

 

“Great!” She messages her nape a little. “I am, happy for you.”

 

 

“You’re happy for me too?” She probes carefully.

 

 

 

Wendy heaves a soft sigh, “It’s not me that you love. So what can I do other than sending you back? You’re not the Bae Joohyun I love either, right? So I’ll let you go for sure.” 

 

 

And that reminds Irene of something, also from Wendy when they broke up - “Just say you don’t love me anymore and I will let you go”.

 

 

It scares Irene a little noticing how Wendy really starts to haunt her.

 

 

“You’re really kind. Do you know that, Wendy?”

 

 

“Is it a weakness for me then?” The brunette forces a chuckle. Oh, her chuckles.

 

 

“No, it isn’t.” She tries to lift a smile too. 

 

 

 

“Thanks. Hmm. So goodnight, and goodbye.” She looks into her eyes. Just like when they first met.

 

 

“Nice to meet you, Wendy.” And she’s now trying to read them.

 

 

“Me too.” But she abruptly turns around and closes the door shut.

 

 

 

Then, Irene doesn’t waste any time and swallows the pills. She doesn’t know why she’s hurting so much, from her chest to her head to her limbs to her back. She just wants it to go away. 

 

 

She just wants to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

“Will this go away after time passes?

I remember the old times,

I remember you.” 

 

 

 

Irene wakes up when it is morning. 

 

 

In her own house, her own room.

 

 

 

The phone shows the time - October 4, 2015. 

 

 

 

She is back. 

 

 

And she remembers everything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

So I'll just leave it there.

Ah, I hope no one is confused here.

There's only one timeline. So if you change something, you will change everything afterward lol

So there won't be a 2015 when Irene is back in 2020.

 

I'm sorry if I made it too complicated.

See you soon.

xo