“Are you okay..?” 

I looked up and saw Bom looking at me with those pained eyes… 

I didn’t know what to respond… couldn’t make out a word to speak, for in the first place… I didn’t know what to feel. 

I could only look at her… engulfed in the blankness of my world until my eyes caught the shimmering bits of lights up in the heavens… I started hearing the people cheering in delight as the colorful lights painted the night sky… 

And it all came back to me… louder than how the fireworks exploded in the sky… louder than the cheers of the people… louder than the voice of my friend as she kept asking me to look at her… 

His words…as soft as the wind as he whispered it… yet it was louder than any staggering sound my ears could hear… 


“Im sorry… but I still love you baby…”


Each word plunged a nail right through my heart as it chimed over and over again inside my head… pounding against my ear, bringing back a familiar pain that I was dreading not to feel again. 

Numbness took over my body as soon as I heard those words from ‘him’… and right now, that numbness was being replaced by an excruciating pain… scorching, crawling from the tips of my fingers up to the deepest pit of my being… tearing me apart… yet again…

And as if his words weren’t enough to make me almost taste death…his eyes… the eyes that I had once loved to stare at was filled pure agony… remorse… and more that my heart couldn’t take to see… 

I shouldn’t feel this way… I should be happy seeing him in despair… should feel contented that he was feeling the same pain that I felt…

Yet no matter how many times I tell myself not to be swayed… no matter how much I convince myself that it was just maybe… just maybe one of his lies… 

I can’t… for the more, I convince myself to loathe him… not to believe in his words… slowly a part of me was breaking… gradually, shredding myself to pieces as I continuously pay a blind eye to every pain that he was feeling. 

True that he had hurt me… painful than I expected for it to feel… and when I thought that being apart would take that pain away… I was so wrong… because right now, it was becoming unbearable… that the same man who caused the first pain in me, would be… and the only man who could take every pain away… no matter how I avoid and fear the fact.

“I’m sure you know that people make mistakes… we even hurt the persons we love the most because of those mistakes… and also, sometimes… we only see the value of something… of someone, once they’re gone… but what is important is on how we make up for those mistakes… how we learn from it and on how we make changes… better ones just so we won’t repeat the same mistakes over and over again…” 

I looked to my side and saw Jaejoong looking at me with a warm smile, probably the sincerest one I had seen from him before. I flinched from his word, a bit puzzled about what he was talking about and just then, I remembered Bom…

I looked up and didn’t saw her… wandered my gaze, looking for her but couldn’t find her… 

“She went to buy a drink for you… you’ve been spacing out again, we thought you were in coma or something…” 

I wanted to laugh… or even retaliate back from another of his childish blows but…I wasn’t up for any joke… couldn’t even curve out a smile. 

“What are you doing here..?” I asked him instead.

“Well I thought you might need a shoulder to cry on…” He said as he shifted his gaze away from me and looked ahead.

I felt my eyes widen… probably the first reaction I showed after being like a dead person for a while. Because finally… something humane came out from him… 

“Well I just think that’s the proper thing to say right now… I’m not really into this kind of drama…”

I was in a moment of astonishment before I was able to let out a chuckle… 

He just looked at me and rolled his eyes before he leaned back as he propped himself with his hands against the grass that we were seated at.

Soon my chuckles died and the words he told me awhile ago slowly sunk in to my mind. 

“But it doesn’t mean that it would change the fact that he hurt me… and the trust that he broke would be back untainted as if nothing happened… just because everyone make mistakes and should be forgiven…” 

My own words pricked my heart like tiny needles… once again convincing myself that there won’t be hope… that once it was broken… nothing would put it back the way it was before. 

“It’s true that you’ve been hurt… deceived, if it’s how you put it but it doesn’t mean that you couldn’t start a new one… build a stronger one than the past…with either the same person or not. It’s only that, you fear you’ll be hurt again… but who doesn’t…? You love, expect that you’ll be hurt or be the one to hurt. For as long as you’re scared about facing that truth… you’ll always feel the grudge deep inside your heart… you’ll always feel that with each and every pain you get from people around you… and that’s why you’re hurting right now. You’re feeding yourself the lies that there won’t be any hope… torturing yourself just as you torture the only person that you know could heal the wounds that were inflicted in you.” 

Jaejoong’s words was a hard slap on me… despite my surprise that he was able to say such words, I couldn’t help but to see through it… couldn’t help but to feel small… 

“And how did you know about these things…?” I curiously asked… Just then, I heard him sigh before I saw a smile curved on the side of his lips. 

“Because once, I’ve lost someone... the only person who showered me the love that I’d never experienced before… took her for granted, too comfortable with the perfect life I had… and when she’s gone… that’s when I realized that she was the reason why my life was perfect…”

I was in awe… couldn’t believe that Kim Jaejoong, the brat that I thought he was… the person I thought who knew nothing but silliness in his mind… got something as deep as this inside him. Noticed something was odd… yet I couldn’t point it out. I continuously watched him… felt that he was struggling with his words… probably felt awkward for telling me these things… but then, I couldn’t help but to listen more…for the pain inside me slowly fade away, with each word that he uttered. 

“But then she accepted me again… yet there I go, failed to use that chance. Until now, been failing with almost every chance she gives me, but she never surrendered on me… and with every pain I inflict her, it comes back to me threefold…too painful to bear and when I couldn’t take the pain anymore… I asked her why she keeps accepting me. And then she told me, she loves me… just the way I am… with every flaw I have… and no matter how much heartaches I give her… because I am the only person who can complete her life….” 

He ended with a small chuckle… I heard him sniff… probably he was crying… Kim Jaejoong was crying over a girl… a girl… 

Just then my eyes widen… and pointed at him accusingly, as if he just committed a grave mistake. 

“You… you have a girlfriend…?!” 

Forgetting about the melancholic mood… forgetting that he just poured out the other side of him, I looked at him in disbelief… 

I watched him as he wiped his nose with the back of his hand before turning to me and rolled his eyes. 

His hand reached for me, and poked me with a finger on my forehead… almost pushing me down the grass… 

“What makes you think that a handsome guy like me can’t get himself a girl…? Women crave for me… for your information… you little mutt.” 

I hissed… still in the state of disbelief… 

“It’s miracle I say… that someone… would ever endure your childish stunts…” 

His eyes slowly went into tiny slits and pouted before he crossed his arms over his chest and looked away… just then, the annoyance in his face slowly vanished as once again, a wide smile slowly curved on his lips.

“That’s right… I always look at it as a miracle…” He said dreamingly. 

I wanted to laugh at him… wanted to mock him more yet as I watched him… saw the love in his face… how serene it looked like… I couldn’t help but to feel envious of it… of the love he had… 

“Stop drooling on me… I already have a girl remember…?” 

I shook my head… wondered how much patience did this girl had to actually endure Kim Jaejoong… 

And just when I was going to hit him, Bom came holding on to some of the drinks she bought. 

“What did I miss…? Dara… are you okay now…?”

I turned to her, nodded and smiled in assurance…

I turned to the stage where Jiyong was earlier… remembered how the tears ran down on his cheeks… remembered how much pain there was in his expression as he sung that song. 


“Torturing yourself just as you torture the only person that you know could heal the wounds that were inflicted in you.”


--


That night in the fair was the last time I saw Jiyong… I didn’t know if he was purposely avoiding me. After the talk with Jaejoong that night, I realized how coward I am… that I thought breaking up with Jiyong, staying away from him and standing with own feet would be enough proof to make me stronger but I was wrong… for it only made me more feeble than I was… 

I used his mistake as an excuse to hate him… that even though I confessed that it was also my fault; the hate for Jiyong was stronger to even blame myself for it. And the only hate I could direct to myself was that the fact that I can’t make myself forget about him… I can’t make myself stop loving him despite what he did to me. I thought that by letting him go would mean the same freedom for me… yet I was jailed by the pain I inflicted myself…the lies I fed myself… and the fear of being hurt again… 

Maybe we really need time to think… to grow… and maybe that was what fate was giving the both of us… a small time to heal the deep wounds that we inflicted in ourselves.

Yet how can I heal myself if the memories of that mistake would come back and hunt me again… whose face wore a big grin on it… arm was wrapped around another man’s waist… as if nothing happened… as if she just didn’t ruin and probably about to ruin another relationship. 

Lee Chaerin… how many relationships did this woman had ruined…? How can she take pleasure from it…? Meeting a person like her was probably the greatest discovery I had… for I can’t imagine… how sick could she be to find happiness in someone else’s misery. And I wonder… did she ever felt love before…? 

I tried to avoid her… scolded myself why did I even bother stop in front of her and look at her for a moment… I managed to control myself for not slapping her hard across her face once I saw that mocking smile on her lips… clearly she was tempting me to lash out on her… I managed to control my anger towards her… barely on my limit… telling myself it won’t be worth it… that once I did it, it would feel like I was accepting defeat… and I wont give her that satisfaction. 

I was about to pass by her… noting myself never to walk on this street again… and just then, I felt her hand grabbed my wrist, making me to stop from my tracks…

I snapped my gaze towards her… shocked and on the verge of losing myself and probably hurt her… 

She told something to the guy she was with… I saw him looked at me before he let go of her and went inside the building they perhaps, were supposed to go. 

I looked down on her hand, teeth gritted from disgust… and just then she spoke. 

“I need to talk to you…” 

I roughly pulled my hand away from her and threw her back a glare.

“Well I don’t… and I don’t want to hear any of it” 

I was about to walk away… mind was set to just let it go, forget that I even saw her… but as if, I really am destined to be challenged by my own self-control, she spoke once again. 

“I see that you’re not back with Jiyong, Sandara-ssi… can’t take that he replaced you with another girl..? Wake up… even saints were tempted to commit sin and Jiyong is no saint… what do you expect..? He’ll promise you forever… give you the stars, the moon? This isn’t a fairytale missy, you’re blaming me for ruining your relationship… but it’s you who got big expectations from him… and once he failed meeting your expectations you’ll come crying – 

The next thing I felt was a great stung that hit my hand… I was breathing hard… Lee Chaerin was facing the other way… cheek was starting to bruise and just then I realized that I just slapped her… I promised myself not to… yet I guess promises were really meant to be broken. 

“I know this isn’t a fairytale… because as far as I know, there aren’t girls like you who are ready to spread their legs to any guy in sight. It probably feels superior doesn’t it? Knowing that guys drool at you… want you… or use you at their disposal…? And no, I never blame you for what happened… it never occurred to me… because somehow I pity you…for probably you could only feel special once you prove to yourself that someone chose you over another girl… chose the thirty minute heaven with you over a five-year relationship… not someone like you can ruin everything between us…”

And just then… with a bruised cheek, she let out a smirk…

“You said it yourself… not someone like me could ruin it… shouldn’t you be telling that to him and not me…?”

She mumbled and it took me another ounce of self-control not to give her other cheek the same treatment I did to the other one awhile ago. Because for once I felt that she was slightly right… 

“And shouldn’t you be pondering of having your own life instead of snooping around other people’s lives…? I just wish you won’t feel the same pain I am feeling right now because I think a thirty minute passion won’t be enough to fix it…” 

I saw how she flinched from my words… I just walked away… left her rooted on the spot … didn’t mind the people who were watching us… I didn’t know if it was too harsh… honestly, it wasn’t enough… there were a lot more to say but I managed to control myself for at least I feel a bit contented from what I had done… that even she was right from some point, I couldn’t help but to say those things to her… I wanted to hurt her somehow, at least let her feel a bit of the pain I was exhaustingly shouldering. 

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