Chapter 15
Broken
Silence… a period that seemed to be like of an eternity, it was silence that enveloped us…
My lips parted… supposed to let out a gasp yet no sound came out from it… my gaze stilled, fixed on the door behind him… arms stayed limp on both of my sides… letting myself be squeezed in his suffocating embrace… as if suddenly all of my strength was drained out from my system…
His words that put me into a calcified state kept ringing and repeating inside my mind… the warmth of his trembling frame slowly eased the coldness and emptiness inside me, which brought me into a sudden deep reverie… how can a simple touch from him could make me more vulnerable than I am…? How those words can easily made me forget about what he had done…? And for a moment made me believe that there had been no damage done, that being broken was far from what I am right now…
Yet…as everything has its own end…that apart from the spell brought by his words especially by his warmth; it was pain that woke me up… the feeling of how my heart began to be squeezed into pulp, it was much more painful than how his arms almost broke me as it was wrapped tightly around my body… and soon, the next thing I felt was the wet feeling against my cheeks, only to realize that it was my tears that started to stream out from my eyes… almost… he almost had me back…
And I was glad that, that pain gave me the very reason why I should keep my distance…that once I let those arms my only strength… once I let his voice made me forget about my own… and once he made me believe that I was the only one… but not now… not anymore…
With that, I slowly lifted my hands… battled against my own strength and luckily I won against my frailty… I bit on my lower lip, put credit to myself that I was able to control my emotions even for a while… I held my hands between us… placed it against his chest for a while and God knows how my heart constricted with much more pain than before when I felt the fast pace of his heart against my palm… the tears inside my eyes threatened to break out once again that I had to close my eyes to stop it from pouring out… and slowly, yet firmly; I pushed him away from me with all my strength…
I felt him stiffened…I opened my eyes as the sound of his cries began sinking into me… sheathing the silence that once trapped my senses… his arms slowly loosened its hold around my frame and coldness soon replaced the once comforting warmth brought by him… yet, it’s better for my body be freeze from that lonely wintriness than to repeatedly find refuge from the same man who had abandoned me.
However, as I gradually put distance between us; the painful feeling inside my chest continued to grow… leaving me confused… for I thought I already had all the control over myself… yet I was wrong… because when I saw his face, his tears that continuously streamed down against his cheeks and the pained expression he was wearing… I once again doubted my stance…
‘No Dara… No…’
I kept telling myself… my hands were still on his chest… clutching on his shirt… curling my hands around it… I wanted to push him… pound on him… shout at him on why he’s doing these things…? Why was he making me confused…? Why did he show himself again on me when he purposely kicked me out from his life..?
But all I was able to do was to crumple the fabric of his shirt… held my hands into a tight fist as tears started to pour out from my eyes again… I promised to myself not to ever cry in front of him… yet I guess… promises are really meant to be broken…
My vision blurred… but I was aware that he was watching me… and I couldn’t help but to feel mad…
‘Is this what he wanted…?’
To see me breaking yet again in front of him… wasn’t that ‘day’ enough for him to see my pathetic self… why…? What more does he want from me…?
“I need you back…”
His tears had dried… hands were shaking as he grabbed her on both of her arms… holding her tightly… he watched as the last drop of tears streamed down on her cheek before her expression turned blank…
Her gaze dropped… eyes blinked for a couple of times, tried to let every word of what he had told her sink in to her… and just then, a slight smile formed on the side of her lips before one of her hands came to pull his hand away from her other arm…
“Please… leave…”
Still holding her gaze away from him, her weak voice echoed across her living room…
His eyes widen… brows furrowed and tears started to fill his orbs again… he shook his head no… grasped on her wrist once she pulled his hands away from her arms…he shook it to make her face him…
“Dara… Dara please… listen to me… I can’t… I was wrong… please… I need you back…”
His lips trembled… mind was in chaos as he was lost in his own words… and breathing became erratic as fear of being rejected crept inside him…
“Why do you need me back…? Why do you need me back Jiyong…?”
She mumbled… gaze was still set on the wooden floor… Jiyong looked at her, confused and was out of words…
“Why..? Is it because you’re already tired of her…? Am I some kind of spare that you could use once you’re already done with someone…? What am I really to you Jiyong…?”
His hold on her wrist slowly loosened; completely freed her hand as he clenched his hand to his sides… couldn’t believe what he was hearing from her… yet can’t make himself say everything that he had been yearning to say to her… he was lost… felt so weak now that she’s in front of him… as if he had not known her for years… was the distance between them truly took her love for him away…?
“And here I thought I had been suffocating you… you need me for what…? To stupidly wait for you when I know you wouldn’t come…? To pack your lunch…? To clean your room…? Be an audience as you kiss another girl…? For what Jiyong…?”
Her gaze slowly trailed back to him… still wearing that dead smile on her lips…
“And what if… what if you’re wrong again... what if you’re wrong about wanting me back…? Are you going to kick me out of your life again…? Just as easy that…? Is that how things work for you…? Coz I don’t think I can comply with your terms Jiyong… I need to do something for myself too…”
His lips parted… chest was pounding so hard and as if his heart was being ripped apart… he continuously looked at her… hands were tightly formed into fist, restraining himself to reach for her… yet he was still not able to stop the next words that came out from his lips…
“I love you…”
He whispered and came out like a plea as tears started to fall from the sides of his eyes once again… may he looked pathetic in front of her… may his reasons be against hers… he just wanted to let her know… at least let out the three words that he had defied expressing to her fully when he had the chance…
And almost… her heart almost swayed… yet she knew better… supposed to tumble in bliss yet it was a painful slap on her face upon hearing those words from him…
“You said the same exact words to me that day… hours before I saw you kissing another girl…”
She clenched her jaw… a light bitter chuckle escaped …
“Tell me… how can I believe those words if every time I’ll hear you say it, I’ll remember that day… How can I love you again if all I can feel is the fear of you leaving me again… and how can I look at you… if all I can feel is pain… those words…those words that came from you, the same man who had promised me forever yet I realized… there is no such thing as forever… “
His body stiffened… and for the first time… he felt it difficult to breathe… just wishing for his heart to stop beating to end the torment that he was feeling at that moment… for what’s more painful than having the woman you love already in front of you yet you still can’t touch or even tell her how much you love her without her thinking it’s all just a lie…
A bucket of shame showered over him… he hanged his head low, tears flooded and completely blurred his vision… he knew he was completely done for… for it seemed like every word and action he will do will be put against him and bury him more to the pits of regret…
She watched him for a while before she slowly turned her back on him…
“Please… just go…”
She mumbled and without another word, she slowly left him as she locked herself inside her room…
He stood on his spot for a while… staring at the door of her room as his tears continuously streamed down on his cheeks… choking in his tears, but didn’t stop him from repeating the words he told her earlier…
“I love you…”
He mumbled over and over again… only for silence to swallow his words…
“I’m sorry…”
--
She stood against the door of her room… with her eyes closed, she restrained herself from crying once she heard the door of her apartment opened and closed after a while… yet she failed from controlling herself…
Slowly, she collapsed on the floor of her room… buried her face on her palm, she cried… doesn’t even know why she should… but everything… from the moment she saw him at the doorstep of her apartment and especially when she heard those words from him… it was all pain that she felt… and she thought pushing him away would ease that pain… yet she was wrong…
For knowing that he’s gone again… still, an excruciating pain was pounding her heart… asking herself over and over again why…? What should she really do for her to be free from all those heart aches…? Feeling so frail that she’s incapable of controlling her emotions, especially her heart…
--
“Of all places… I never expected you to be in here…”
A familiar voice brought him back from his trance…
He was alone earlier… seated on one of the swings on a nearby playground, staring at nothing in particular … remembering how he and Dara used to stay late at that same place during the first few months of their relationship… he could only let out a bitter smile, didn’t mind himself getting numb because of the cold breeze that continuously blew past through him, …
He slowly looked up, wore a confused look on his face… he stared at the woman before him who was looking at him with a same puzzled look on her face…
“Chaerin-ah…”
He whispered… as the other rose a brow at him… she was looking all over for him, soon got tired of the ignored calls… she doesn’t know why… but she just had to find him…
“What are you doing here..?”
He managed to ask; voice was a bit shaking because of the coldness of the night… the latter took a while to respond… brows slowly connected…
“I think I am the one who should ask you that…”
He didn’t reply, instead tore his gaze away from her as he let out a slight smile before he stared down on the ground…
Her brow twitched… felt surprised with his reaction especially by his silence… silently, she walked towards him and sat on the swing beside his… silence consumed them for a while, with her observing him once a while… she rubbed herself warm, completely turned her gaze towards him who seemed like can’t feel even a tinge of cold…
“Yah… what’s wrong with you…?”
He turned to her again… didn’t mind to reply, he just stared at her… Chaerin soon felt irritated by his blank response…
“You never contacted me again… even just to reply on my messages… never visited the place again… what’s been happening to you…?”
Her voice sounded worried, yet as if was too lost to even notice it…
He let out a sigh… and after a period he finally replied…
“I’m sorry…” he mumbled…
The irritated look on her face slowly changed… her lips parted, more confused on why Jiyong’s acting like that… especially the way he apologized… and with his next words, she finally figured out the reason why he was being like that…
“I’m sorry if I used you… I had been stupid… and surely you deserve a better guy than me… I included you in the mess I caused… I’ve hurt a lot of people already especially the last person I want to hurt and I… I just don’t want to make everything worse than it is… I’m sorry”
He looked at her directly in her eyes before he quickly looked away…
And upon hearing it, she was completely taken aback… it was that girl all along… she thought... and soon her jaw clenched before her brows slowly furrowed…
“You’re not the same Jiyong I know…”
She whispered but enough for him to hear… after a while, another bitter smile formed on his lips as tears started to fill the rim of his eyes again…
“And I wished I never changed… for maybe I still have her right now…” he whispered back before he quickly stood up and got his things…
She was startled a bit… unable to stand up from what she just heard she just followed him with his gaze…
His back was facing her… shoulders dropped as he sighed…
“You might catch a cold… you better go home now Chaerin-ah…”
With that, he slowly started with his tracks, leaving the woman behind… watched him as he left…
She sighed… gaze dropped as her lips curved sadly…
“I just found you… only for you to leave again….what’s so special about her Jiyong…?” she mumbled to herself…
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