A/N: I triple updated! Make sure you go back to LOG 5 or 6 LOLOL 

“You all may be under the impression that X.E. and the Seven Stars are working with the 4 Flames on Project Cotton.” My mother looks directly at me. “That is correct.”

The room immediately bursts into noise and angry exclamations. My mother rolls her eyes.

“Be quiet, all of you!” Mrs. Nguyen shouts. “Listen.”

“Let’s face it,” my mother continues. “It’s been 4 years and we’ve barely made any progress. What little we’ve done isn’t enough to take the 4 Flames down without hurting our gangs, too. So I convinced Jina to let our gangs partner with Yohan.”

“Seriously?!” Annabelle bursts out, shooting up. “What the hell kind of-,”

“At the same time, however, I contacted an old... associate. And this is where you need to keep your mouth shut, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun clenches his teeth as he glares at my mother.

My mother sighs. “I was completely aware that Kris would leave X.E. In fact, I helped him plan his departure.”

“What?” Baekhyun exclaims.

    “I couldn’t take it anymore,” Kris says in a low voice. Baekhyun’s eyes dart to him.

    “Do you remember the Shasta mission? I had to kill all witnesses to the crime.”

    Baekhyun tenses. “Yes. I do.”

    “Do you remember who the witnesses were?”

    There is silence, before Baekhyun responds quietly, “A 7-year-old child and his mother.”

    My eyes widen. I turn to Kris in horror.

    “From that day on, I vowed to never kill someone in the name of X.E. again,” Kris says in a low voice. “I went to Command and said I wanted out. But she didn’t make it that easy.”

    “If Kris left, it would make the other members think that they could just leave, too,” my mother drones. “So I set up a situation in which Kris ‘betrayed’ his team members by abandoning them in the middle of an op. Then I gave him a million dollars and forbade him from ever contacting EXO. It was a win-win situation. EXO would have a rallying point- a common enemy to mutually despise- and Kris would have his freedom.”

    Baekhyun’s face is utterly blank. Kris’ face contorts in regret.

    “I’m sorry,” Kris says in a tight voice. “I should’ve-,”

    “I’d been keeping tabs on Kris for years, of course,” my mother continues. “So when we partnered with the 4 Flames, and I made sure that Yohan was preoccupied with checking the legitimacy of our partnership, I contacted Kris and told him about a certain student at Columbia who would love an internship.”

    “You set me up!” I cry, angrily shooting up from my chair.

    Her lip curls. “Please. Don’t tell me you weren’t grateful.”

    “I- but you-,”

    “You were supposed to deduce that Sentrix was in charge of Yohan’s security. I was planning on contacting your handlers a few months later, once you had established yourself at Sentrix, and instruct them how to gather evidence and take Yohan down. But I overestimated how much you had matured. Apparently, you’re still the foolish, reckless girl you were 4 years ago.”

She turns to Marge and Baekhyun. “You two complicated things even more by going behind my back and getting those 3 into contact. I had things handled. Now her cover’s blown.”

Marge and Baekhyun look as stunned as I do. Baekhyun especially looks like he is on the verge of collapsing into a breakdown.

I swivel back around to face my mother.

She is ruthless. Cunning. Intelligent. Absolutely terrifying.

I think I’m about to throw up.

    Lina and her mom exchange a nervous look.

    “Do you understand?” my mother questions coldly. “Our partnership with the 4 Flames was supposed to be a diversion for you, Aemin.”

My mind is reeling.

    Mrs. Nguyen clears . “It’s alright, though. We have a plan to take down the 4 Flames once and for all, and we’re depending on you, Ami.”

    Suddenly, Lina nudges her mother in the side, and throws her a look.

    “But you’re probably very tired,” Mrs. Nguyen adds quickly. “So why don’t you get some rest? We can discuss everything in the morning. Lina, can you show your friends to their rooms?”

    I stare ahead of me, dazed, as Lina gently pulls me up by my arm. She beckons Anna and Preet to follow us as we trudge out the door. Behind me, I can hear my mother collecting her things and standing up; there is no noise coming from Baekhyun or Kris.

    Lina shows each of us to a hallway off the dining room. A line of wooden doors stretches out in front of us. She hands Anna and Preet keys, and silently exchanges a look of understanding with them- glancing at me, and then glancing back at them.

    “Good night, Ami,” Anna says softly. Preet squeezes my hand. The two of them enter their respective rooms.

    “Here we go, Ami,” Lina says gently, opening the door to my room. It is spacious and sleek, with an elevated king-size bed covered in fluffy white pillows, a flatscreen TV, and a sliding glass door that leads onto a balcony. I realize with a numb jolt that we are not on the ground floor; we must be on the 10th floor, judging by the view from the window.

    “This place is the Seven Stars’ New York HQ. We’re in Long Island, right by the water.” Lina opens a closet door and tosses me a pair of cotton shorts, a cami, and a fluffy white robe. “It’s like a 5-star hotel, I swear. Except there are training rooms downstairs and IT bases and research facilities.”

    Lina busies herself with fixing my curtains as I shimmy into my new clothes. Finally, I lay down on my bed and stare up at my ceiling.

    “Talk it all out,” Lina murmurs, taking a seat next to me. “Believe me. It helps.”

    I don’t know. What am I supposed to talk about? The fact that my cruel, unfeeling mother has been the head of a gang for years? How she practically controlled every aspect of my life without me knowing? And how Kris knew all along. No wonder he seemed so sketchy. He was a part of X.E., but unlike what Kyungsoo said, he betrayed them in a completely different sense. What do I even say to him?

    Or should I talk about Jungkook? How I’m still staggering from our first encounter in 4 years? I hate him with all my heart. I hate him. I hate him so, so much. He caused me to sink into an unimaginably gruesome state of mind- one that I still have not completely emerged from.

    But why do those ridiculous memories of us keep resurfacing in my mind?

    When I think about him, my heart hurts. I want him to be funny and annoying and sweet and stubborn. I want him to be my Jungkook again. I want him to kiss me in the woods, the taste of hot chocolate on his lips.

    It can’t happen. It won’t happen. And as soon as I think that I’ve finally forgotten him, he comes back into my life.

    I cannot forget the pain in his eyes.

    His spiteful words.

    I hate missing Jungkook. And I hate the guilt that follows when I miss him.

    It seems like I am just now seeing that everything once familiar to me has changed- including myself. We have all moved on and I have just paused to realize that I don’t want everything to be different. I want to be 16 again. I want to be carefree and whiny and excited. I want to pretend like I can’t stand Jungkook and joke around with Namjoon and Hoseok and shovel down slices of pizza with Marcus. I want to sneer at Emma Carter and whine about Mrs. Wringer.

I miss my dad. I miss him so much. I want to see him. To argue with him about something stupid and mundane, like the name of the bassist in Green Day or whether Baskin Robbins sells Black Walnut ice cream.

    Day 1,531.

    I still want to kill myself.

    “Ami?” Lina says tentatively.

    My eyes snap to her.

    “Do you want to talk?” she whispers.

    My lips curl up into a wan smile.

    “I’m fine,” I reassure her. “Just really surprised. Hey, I’m tired. I’ll see you in the morning. Alright?”

    She wraps me in a tight hug. “Sounds good. Hey, I heard Joshua and Kyungsoo taught you taekwondo. Let’s go to the training arena tomorrow so I can kick your .”

    I snort. “Ha ha. Nice joke, loser.”

    “I love you, dummy.”

    When Lina leaves, I collapse facedown onto my bed, my body wracking with sobs.

    My mother was right. My negative traits have followed me from 4 years ago, even though my happiness and joy have not. I am still immature, reckless, incompetent. A girl who thinks she is more prepared to confront the challenges she is confronted with, when really, she will always handle them erroneously.

And it is at that moment when I make a promise to myself.

I do not know when this will all be over. It may take a month. It may take a decade. It may take my entire life.

But when it is, I will disappear.

A/N: :///// so the second half was ~kinda~ filler? but i wanted to emphasize how shot ami's mental health is lmfao. i feel very sad it is 1:23 am and i feel so feelsy DAMMIT I shouldve written this with that hipstery music on wtf i am listening to sherlock right now that is not good music to be listening to when u are writing a scene like this

BTW if you are confused about any part, please tell me!! I'll clear up everything heheh :D 

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AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EGGPLANT8174 I WILL TRY UPDATING MORE TOMORROW BUT I HAVE TENNIS PRACTICE AND IT WILL BE LIKE 102 DEGREES SO IDK HOW OKAY I WILL BE 

AND I FINISHED THE ESSAYS FOR ONE OF MY COLLEGES SO LOL 2 DOWN 4 TO GO I SUPPOSE