“I just called to greet you happy birthday,” 

“I’ve been thinking a lot about-” 

“About you these past few days. I miss you. So much. So really, very, much. I want to see you. So, so, so, freaking much.” 

“I can’t wait to see you on your birthday, Taengoo.” 

Her eyes fluttered open, focusing on the blinding orange light above her head. However, she couldn’t even get one second to actually process where she was before she felt her stomach flipping upside down. With a quick dash to the toilet, she got on her knees and retched out everything that she ate and drank a few hours ago. The vile taste on her tongue made her hurl out another round, only this time it was green liquid coming out. She groaned, her stomach contracting as she continued to retch. 

Eventually she managed to stop. She shut her eyes; refusing to look at her sick in the toilet as it would make her stomach upset again; blindly, she reached for the flush button. She sat on the floor. Looking around at the small space of the toilet room, the air down her vomit instead of water, she finally realised where she was. An airplane. “,” she hissed, leaning on the wall as her head was still slightly spinning. She really should’ve listened to Irene when she tried to stop her from drinking two whole bottles of wine before her flight. Because goddamn, her head actually felt like it’s being cracked open with a mallet. 

With great force, she pulled herself up. She turned the tap on and splashed cold water on her face. How in the world she managed to catch this flight - only heaven would know. 

Jessica was wiping her face when she heard knuckles rapping on the toilet door. “Miss?” came the voice from the other side.  

“H-Hey,” she stammered, her voice cracking from throwing up.  

“I hope you’re alright, miss, but unfortunately we need you to go back to your seat as we’re going to prepare for landing soon.”  

Jessica internally groaned before sliding the door open. The flight attendant gave her a big, face-splitting smile, a bow, and walked away. She looked way too jolly for her liking. Jessica couldn’t even manage a smile how else could she manage to walk to her seat when with every single movement she could feel her stomach wanting to puke her guts out again. 

She took a deep breath, cursing herself for stupid decisions. 

-- 

Jessica took another deep breath. Her patience was running out.  

She was standing in front of the international arrivals exit, waiting for her staff to pick her up. She looked at the time and grimaced. It had been one long hour since she arrived yet she had not seen even one familiar face in that goddamned airport. Huffing, she looked at her phone again, her screen showing her messages to her managers and stylists but no one was ing responding! 

Jessica wanted to just go home by herself but with the current state of her stomach, and her head, there was no way she wouldn’t be on the headlines of news articles the next day with photos of her throwing up in the middle of an airport. No way would Jessica risk moving too much, and risk ruining her image just like that. 

She really couldn’t blame anyone but herself. Irene tried to stop her from drinking an hour before she had to check in but in desperate measures to clear her head from that tiny pest running around her head all night, she just had to down that one bottle of wine. That became two. It was frustrating. It had been five years but every time it was nearing the 9th of March, her head would just be filled by thoughts she just really, really wanted to forget but keep on floating in her head like dead fish in the sea. It’s always been her doomsday. Even more of a doomsday than when she left the group (three out of four 30th of September, she was passed out drunk in a hotel room, her apartment, and Krystal’s room). 

She rolled her eyes. That pest, Kim Taeyeon, had no ing clue how she’s been ruining Jessica’s life slowly and painfully every day.  

And speaking of the devil, or the pest, Taeyeon’s name started flashing on her screen. Her phone was vibrating in her hand. Taeyeon was calling her. The Kim Taeyeon was calling her. That Taeyeon that she was trying so hard to lose contact to. But wait, how did she even get her number? 

Jessica froze. 

Hell no. 

“What do you want,” Jessica whispered, her lips trembling as she was just staring at her still vibrating phone. Her heart was beating a thousand miles per hour and in second place, her brain was wracking reasons why Taeyeon could be calling her right now. At midnight. Right when she landed in Seoul.  

Everything stopped when the phone stopped ringing, showing one missed call on the screen. Jessica was beyond confused, overwhelmed. She was terrified at the possibility of Taeyeon coming back to her life, when her life was finally settling on a pace to move on.  

One missed call. That’s all it took. And she’s caving in. 

Before Jessica’s brain could even start functioning again, she was already ringing back the number.  

“Sica.” 

Jessica hated how her stomach fluttered at the sound of her voice. It’s been five years - five years since she heard her name rolling flawlessly out of . 

“I’m waiting outside gate three. I don’t want to come in just in case… you know? Someone sees us.” 

“Wait, what?” Jessica spat out in shock. Taeyeon was picking her up? But how, why, where, and when in Jesus’s name did this happen? Her heart just wanted to jump off her chest. 

-- 

Her heart was at the edge of the cliff, ready to risk it and jump. Actually, she would have appreciated it if she would just dissipate into thin air at that moment. She still couldn’t believe that after five long years of avoiding being in this situation, she helplessly found herself in the presence of Taeyeon again. She couldn’t even try to escape as Taeyeon was driving her (to god knows where) and she still felt like because of her hangover. As much as she hated it, she was grateful for Taeyeon picking her up.  

Her internal voice scoffed, mocking her. Jessica was well aware that grateful was such an understatement to describe what she really felt for Taeyeon. As soon as Jessica got in the car, saw Taeyeon’s face for the first time in years, all she wanted to do was hold her and kiss her, like old times. But this was not like old times, what they were for each other, it was not the same anymore.  

“So… you drunk called me?” Taeyeon’s voice was still calm, soothing, and Jessica was really starting to detest herself even more as Taeyeon’s voice always reminded her of home. She’s still her home. 

She cleared , shaking away horrible thoughts in her head. She looked out the window. Her body was too vulnerable to handle the sight of Taeyeon right now. Because , god bless her genes she looked absolutely, and sinfully beautiful. Jessica could only tighten her grip on her seatbelt. It hasn’t even been five minutes yet. 

She was falling, again.  

She faked a chuckle. “I suppose that’s what happened,” she responded, eyes still staring at the blurry vision of the sceneries outside. “I’m sorry, you didn’t have to pick me up.” She lowered her gaze, still avoiding to turn her head to her left, on Taeyeon. 

Taeyeon was laughing, throwing her a careful glance. “I’m taking you to our - my- yeah, my apartment, if that’s alright?” She asked, stuttering. Jessica panicked. “I prepared some foods. Well, ordered. But yeah, I hope you’re hungry.” She laughed again. It was getting awkward. 

Jessica’s head was spinning. She didn’t know if it was because of what Taeyeon just said or she was having motion sickness. Either way, she felt sick. Sick at the thought of being alone with Taeyeon - in their apartment. 

Jessica and Taeyeon bought an apartment, seven years ago, under Taeyeon’s name. The didn’t want anyone, including their members to find anything suspicious, especially on papers, that would link the two of them together. It was their safe place, away from the glaring reality. The only place where they could be themselves, where they could truly, freely show the extent of their feelings for each other. It was special, it held a lot of their memories together. But it was also a witness to their what ifs, we can’t, we need to stop, it’s not working, and their goodbye. 

When Jessica looked back at that time - they were foolish. They knew from the start that whatever they were doing would only hurt them in the end. They were aware, expectant of the pain. But it was nothing compared to what she actually felt when they decided to end everything. It destroyed her to the point of even looking at Taeyeon would shatter her heart repeatedly. She wanted to come back to her arms but she knew she couldn’t.  

They were childish. Because they thought they could have the best of both worlds - Girls’ Generation and their relationship. But they could only have one, and the only sacrifice they were willing to make was to end their relationship. For the girls. Jessica refused to burn their dreams, including hers and Taeyeon’s. 

Jessica heaved a deep sigh, her breath quivering. “Taeyeon,” she