There’s an easiness in loving Joohyun that you’re thankful for.

 

Without it, you’re sure you would have given yourself away by now (though with the pointed looks Seungwan keeps giving you you think you might already have), Joohyun never says anything and neither do you, so you keep loving her in the way you always have, only now you’re actually aware of why your body reacts to her the way it does.

 

Nothing about your relationship with her has changed, she’s your friend first and foremost and you’re fine with it staying that way. As long as she’s in your life somehow, you don’t mind.

 

Yet, when you lie down at night, Joohyun’s bed not far from yours, you can’t help but wonder what it would be like if things were different. If she were next to you instead of away, if you could hold her while you slept and wake up with her in the morning, if maybe, just maybe, she were to love you too. But you try not to dwell on those thoughts too much.

 

Things are perfect the way they are, and you don’t need it to change.

 

Not yet.

 

--

 

It’s in the middle of promotions that you start to notice a change in yourself.

 

The excitement of standing on stage every week, of sharing a stage with seniors you’ve always looked up to, of gazing out into a crowd and seeing a sign with your name on it, is still there - it always will be - but lately you’ve begun to realize the differences between who you think you are and who everyone else sees you as.

 

There's Seulgi who smiles and laughs and waves when she's supposed to and never shows anything less than what’s expected.

 

And Kang Seulgi who still gets nervous every time she sees a camera and worries constantly over what she should or shouldn’t say. It’s making you come off as someone you aren’t, but you don’t know how to change without feeling like a fraud.

 

You find yourself falling into a sort of existential crisis, spending more time in your bed or at the noraebang alone, contemplating if you're you because you want to be or because the company made you this way. Seven years is a long time. Maybe you just didn't realize you'd been losing parts of yourself all the while.

 

You wander into the practice room one day and find Sooyoung there, staring at the mirror seriously.

 

“Sooyoung?”

 

She jumps and turns to face you, completely flustered.

 

“I-I was just-” she cuts off, refusing to meet your eyes.

 

You move to sit next to her and you look at each other in the mirror. You’re suddenly reminded of sitting like this all those years ago, Joohyun at your side. The girl staring back at you doesn’t even look like the same person.

 

“I get it.”

 

Sooyoung doesn’t ask what you mean and you think that maybe she already knows.

 

“It’s harder than I thought it would be,” she says after a while.

 

You want to say something to make her feel better, to be there for her like Joohyun was for you, but you don’t know how. You don’t know how to be anything other than a singer and a dancer, a constant actress who’s been trained in almost every aspect of her life.

 

You don’t even feel like you anymore.

 

Sooyoung sighs and from her reflection you can see just how tired she is. It must be difficult for her, trying to live up to her position as maknae. She’s the oldest in her family and the sudden role reversal is taking its toll.

 

“It’ll get easier,” you say and you wonder if Sooyoung believes your words when you’re not even sure you do, but Sooyoung just nods, staring at herself intently.

 

“I hope so.”

 

You stay like that for a while, studying your reflection carefully, thinking - hoping - that maybe if you stare long enough, you’ll remember who you really are.

 

--

 

It’s in your second round of promotions, when you’re doing that same dance with Joohyun multiple times a week, that you feel like you might crack any second.

 

The gap between Seulgi and Kang Seulgi feels like it’s only getting wider and you find yourself hesitating in things you wouldn’t normally. Even going on stage has become something you dread instead of look forward to.

 

“Are you okay, unnie?” Sooyoung asks you once, when it’s been hours since everyone went back to the dorm, and you’re still in the practice room, reminding yourself over and over again that you can do this, that you trained for this, that you’re better than this.

 

“Yeah, of course,” you tell her but you know she can see through the lie.

 

She lingers by the door, looking like she wants to say more but instead she just nods, beckoning you over.

 

“We should go. Joohyun unnie’s already worried.”

 

Joohyun.

 

You haven’t had much time alone with her these days and you can’t tell if that’s making you worse or better. You like that she’s near, but you hate it even more that she’s still so far. It’s probably better this way; you don’t need even more to think about.

 

When you get back, Joohyun’s waiting for you. There’s a crease between her brows you only see when she’s particularly distressed about something and you berate yourself silently for being the cause.

 

Sooyoung spares you a glance as she walks into the room you all share, shutting the door behind her decidedly so that it’s just you and Joohyun alone in the living room.

 

Joohyun doesn’t say anything right away and you know she’s waiting for you to start. You consider making an excuse to get away, but you’re so tired you can’t even bring yourself to do that.

 

You fall onto the couch, head facing up so you can trace indiscernible patterns on the ceiling. You feel Joohyun settle next to you seconds later before a hand is placed on your shoulder.

 

“Seulgi?”

 

There’s a warmth to her touch you’ve missed and subconsciously you find yourself leaning into it.

 

“Do you ever feel like there’s more than one you in your body?”

 

When you turn to Joohyun, she looks entirely confused. You don’t blame her. You’ve never been particularly adept at conveying your thoughts. Sighing, you try again.

 

“I mean,” you start, trying to think of the right way to word this, “you know how to us and everyone who knows you, you’re Bae Joohyun?” Joohyun nods so you continue. “But then to everyone else, you’re Red Velvet’s leader, Irene. Isn’t that weird? All these people only know you as someone else. They don’t even know the real you.”

 

Joohyun seems to study you carefully before her hand begins to trail the length of your arm, resting comfortably on top of your own.

 

“But isn’t Irene still the real me?” she questions and you scrunch your brows together in confusion. She rubs her thumb soothingly over your hand as she continues, “I’m still Bae Joohyun underneath all the makeup and hair dye.”

 

You don’t get it so Joohyun moves closer to you, until you can count all of her lashes if you wanted to. There’s a kind of tenderness that comes with the proximity and you find your body relaxing in a way it hasn’t since before you debuted.

 

“When we dance on stage together, who do you see when you look at me?” she asks quietly.

 

You think about it for a moment, remembering all those times you turned in time to the beat of the song and saw her staring right back at you. When her lips would curve up into the smile you’ve always been weak for.

 

“Baechu from Daegu,” you answer, giggling as she hits your arm.

 

“Answer seriously!”

 

You shake your head and lean forward so that you’re near her again. “I just see you, the Joohyun unnie who likes to kick me when I’m not looking.”

 

She smiles. “And I see you, the Seulgi who likes to tease me even though I’m older than her.”

 

You stick your tongue out at her and she rolls her eyes.

 

“I don’t think we’re that different,” Joohyun begins, and her eyes trail away from you and to your joined hands. “It’s just another side of us on stage, but we’re still the same people. We’re still just Joohyun and Seulgi.” She furrows her brows. “Right...?”

 

She’s right, you think.

 

It’s still you underneath it all. Just different sides of the same coin, and at the end of the day you’re still Seulgi.

 

Just like she’s still Joohyun.

 

And as long as that never changes that’s all that matters.

 

You nod, feeling lighter already. “Right.”

 

--

 

Without the endless cycle of promotions to keep you busy, you find yourself getting lost in useless thoughts again, but this time you’re determined not to let it get to you so you distract yourself with games and random hobbies you pick up then forget about.

 

You rediscover your love for art - something long forgotten in the years of endless training - and you spend more time with a pencil in your hand and a sketchbook in your lap to keep you from becoming trapped in your own head.

 

Even Seungwan, who’s usually on the more cheery side of the spectrum, seems anxious from the gracious amount of free time you’ve all been allowed. These days you hardly see her without her earphones in and you wonder if she’s like you, trying to stop herself from becoming her own worst enemy.

 

Sooyoung is how she’s always been, bright and confident when she has to be but always retreating into herself when she thinks no one’s looking. You worry about her, but you haven’t quite figured out how to be anything more than just an open ear, a silent support system. You hope that’s enough.

 

Then there’s Joohyun who’s been doing her best not to break under the stress of all the responsibility she’s been unwillingly given. It’s wearing her down and it’s selfish but you’re afraid that you’ll lose her, one of the constants in your life you’re not sure you could do without.

 

Overall, the atmosphere in the dorm doesn’t have the same bumbling excitement it used to so when the company moves you to another building, you don’t even complain.

 

“I wish I had my own room,” you say, splayed out on the floor near Joohyun’s bed.

 

“Then switch with me.”

 

You scoff. “Don’t you want your own room?”

 

Joohyun stops from carefully ironing and hanging her clothes to join you on the floor.

 

“I haven’t slept alone in a long time,” she responds seriously.

 

You turn so that you’re on your side, eyeing the circles Joohyun’s drawing on the wood. You’ll miss being in the same room with her, but you think it might be better this way. It’s already bad enough she invades your thoughts more often that you’d like to admit, you don’t need to constantly see her as well.

 

“We’re only a room away,” you tell her, but she just smiles weakly. Your heart aches at the sight and you’re tempted to just get all of your stuff and move it in here, but you stop yourself. You all agreed that it’s only fair for Joohyun to get at least some privacy as the oldest and you don’t want to go back on that now. Besides, it’s not like she’ll be alone forever.

 

“Old people should have their own rooms for, you know, old people things,” you joke, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

 

She glares at you.

 

“Should I remind you of your birthday coming up?”

 

You laugh and crawl so that your head is in her lap. Immediately, she begins playing with strands of your hair. You know you shouldn’t be but you’re glad that Joohyun’s naturally touchy. You don’t know what you’d do if you couldn’t be close to her like this (even if it is just platonic).

 

“You won’t be alone for long,” you remind her. “Yerim will move in soon.”

 

None of you were actually surprised when the company said they were going to add her. You trained with Yerim long enough to know that she’d debut sooner rather than later, and the fact remained that you could all use some of the brightness that only childish youth could bring.

 

She hums. “That won’t be for a while. We still have award season.”

 

Right. Award season.

 

You aren’t sure if you’re excited or nervous for what award season will bring. You don’t want to get your hopes up, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t think about what it would feel like to win something.

 

“Do you think we’ll get anything?”

 

Joohyun stares at you pensively before shrugging simply.

 

“Maybe. Maybe not,” she answers. “Being nominated is already good enough for me.”

 

Your body warms at Joohyun’s words. She’s happy with what she’s been given and you know you are too. Just the fact that you debuted, that you have people out there who actually want to see you perform, that you’re here now with Joohyun next to you is good enough.

 

It’s more than enough.

 

“Yeah,” you agree. “Me too.”

 

--

 

You win your first award as a group and in spite of yourself you can feel your eyes begin to water.

 

You hold it back, biting at your lips because you don’t want to be weak. Not now.

 

You didn’t even care if you won anything that night, the experience of just being there already left you overwhelmed, but you can’t quite shake the feeling that all your hard work is starting to pay off, that all those hours of training have finally amounted to something real and physical. It’s only a New Artist Award, but it’s something (something you can only win once, you remind yourself) and that’s enough to threaten your control.

 

You stare into the crowd, but all you see are lights and you think strangely of stars, of Joohyun looking back at you that day you debuted, and you wonder if this is what it’s like to feel truly happy.

 

You feel Joohyun’s eyes on you, but you do your best to keep from turning. You’d crumble under her stare and you’re already struggling enough not to under everyone else’s. It’s only when you’re offstage and you don’t have to worry about your image that Joohyun pulls you aside, eyes shining in a way that makes your heart speed up for reasons other than exhilaration.

 

“Okay?” she asks. You nod and she looks like she wants to say something more, but instead she just pulls you into a crushing hug. “I’m happy too,” she whispers in your ear and you allow yourself to melt into the embrace.

 

“Who said you could hug without us?” You hear Seungwan say as two other pair of arms wrap around you both.

 

You feel Joohyun laugh against your shoulder and you hold her tighter, Seungwan and Sooyoung surrounding you with their warmth. You close your eyes, reveling in this moment of bliss, and try not to cry.

 

You wish you could stay like this forever.

 

--

 

Yerim fits into the group easier than anyone expected. Maybe it’s because you’ve already known her for years, but there’s an odd comfort that comes with her arrival.

 

With the way she runs around, you think she’s got a neverending supply of energy and you’re kind of jealous because you wish you had the strength to bounce around and hound Seungwan for food after practice like she does. Mostly though, you’re just thankful because everyone seems to have a bit more life in them these days.

 

During a break in practice, you sit next to Yerim in the corner of the room watching as Sooyoung and Seungwan revive their argument from this morning. It’s something trivial (Sooyoung forgot to put Seungwan’s book back when she borrowed it or something like that, you aren’t really sure) and you know they’ll make up before the day ends, but you still eye them carefully just in case. You don’t like conflicts and you’d rather stop it before it starts.

 

“Should we be concerned?” Yerim asks, nodding her head towards the two.

 

Sooyoung looks tired more than anything and Seungwan’s face has smoothed into one of passive annoyance. They don’t seem like they’re going to start a war any time soon and even if they did, Joohyun’s already made her way over to monitor the situation so you shake your head.

 

“I think they’re okay.” And as you say it, Sooyoung bursts into a fit of laughter at something Joohyun says, throwing her arm around Seungwan’s shoulders nonchalantly while Joohyun only sighs wearily.

 

Yerim smiles softly. “You know them well.”

 

“It goes both ways,” you say and as an afterthought, add, “though sometimes I’m not sure that’s a good thing.”

 

She laughs before resting her chin against her knees, watching as the others joke around freely.

 

“I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.” She mumbles quietly.

 

You nudge her shoulder. “We’ll help you.”

 

You grin at each other before Joohyun comes over to tell you the break is over. You frown at Yerim who mirrors it and then you’re both grabbing onto Joohyun’s hands, pleading for just five more minutes with all the aegyo you can muster. Joohyun shoots you both a disgusted look and it’s only when Seungwan joins and promises food (“Chicken!” Sooyoung interjects while Joohyun groans) that you get up.

 

Yerim’s already bouncing up and down with Sooyoung in the middle of the room, chanting ‘chicken’ over and over again while Seungwan laughs, patting the back of a resigned Joohyun.

 

You watch the sight fondly and realize with suddenly clarity that you haven’t been this at ease in a while.

 

It’s all thanks to them, you think, but what else is new.

 

--

 

The bleach burns your scalp more than you anticipated, but it’s worth it for the almost glazed look Joohyun gives you when you emerge from the back of the salon, hair dry and brighter than it’s ever been.

 

“It looks good,” she mumbles and you duck your head shyly, muttering out a thanks. You’ll never get used to hearing compliments, especially when it’s from Joohyun who’s way more deserving of them than you are, and your cheeks warm against your will.

 

“My hair already feels dead,” Seungwan announces, the blonde ends in front of the mirror across from you with Yerim behind her, running her fingers through the top.

 

“It died to make you look pretty, unnie,” Sooyoung responds, looking at her own hair - not as bright but just as attractive - next to her.

 

“Are you saying I wasn’t pretty before?”

 

“You said it, not me.”

 

“Yah, Park Sooyoung!”

 

You turn away from Sooyoung and Yerim attempting to appease a gaping Seungwan (not very well, you think amusedly) when you feel a tug at your wrist. Joohyun has her eyes trained on your hair, looking dazed as she reaches up to toy with a strand near your cheek.

 

Your breath hitches unconsciously and you clench your hands nervously. Having Joohyun so near, looking at you like this, is bringing up feelings you’ve done your best to ignore all this time. It’s one thing to love your best friend, but it’s another thing entirely to be in love with her and while you’ve long since accepted having Joohyun in your life as nothing more than what she already is, you’re not sure you can still do that when she’s staring at you like you’re the only one in the room.

 

“Blonde suits you,” she says quietly and you swallow.

 

“It suits you more,” you respond because it does. It really does and you want to tell her that. But you want to tell her even more that yes, blonde suits her, but everything suits her because she’s so beautiful sometimes you catch yourself staring; you still can’t believe someone like her exists.

 

Joohyun shakes her head. “No, I mean- you just...you look really pretty.”

 

There’s something in the way Joohyun’s looking at you right now that has you parting your lips, tongue darting out to wet them in the way they usually do, and you catch Joohyun’s eyes lower to watch the movement. You want to say or do something, but you miss your chance when Sooyoung interrupts.

 

“How about we all look pretty?” she smiles, a mischievous glint in her eye. “Now we all win.”

 

“I support this,” Seungwan agrees and the two of them share a look. You’re not sure you want to know what that means. “Come here, Seulgi-yah,” Seungwan calls. “I want to see how pretty you look.”

 

Joohyun backs away from you to let you move towards the others. Seungwan fusses over your hair as Sooyoung and Yerim coo, “unnie’s so pretty,” in every obnoxious way imaginable. Amidst all this, you look back to find Joohyun, still standing in that same spot and watching you with an unreadable expression.

 

And not for the first time, you feel confused by the weight of her stare.

 

--

 

You feel more nervous before your comeback stage than you did when you debuted and you can’t figure out why. It’s not like you’re Yerim, who’s got more pressure on her shoulders than anyone else (though not even she looks as much a mess as you do). You think that maybe it’s because the song is being received so well that you feel like you need to do it justice, or maybe it’s because it’s the first time you actually feel like yourself before performing (which is strange because you certainly don’t look like yourself).

 

You’ve been sick for a few weeks now and your voice is shaky throughout most of the song. You enter the waiting room, feeling disappointed with your less than stellar performance and scold yourself silently for not taking better care of your health. Maybe you should start bothering Seungwan for her vitamins again.  

 

You feel someone sit next to you and you don’t even have to look to know that it’s Joohyun.

 

“Are you feeling okay?” Joohyun asks you, pressing the back of her hand to your forehead.

 

“I’m fine,” you answer and she drops her hand to rest on your thigh. You stare at it before decidedly placing your own hand on top. “My voice was shaky.”

 

She squeezes reassuringly. “You still sounded great.”

 

“But I didn’t sound my best,” you point out.

 

“There will be more performances.”

 

“But this is the first.”

 

Joohyun frowns, her other hand coming to rest on your back. “It’s not your fault you’re sick.”

 

You frown because she’s right. She’s always right. You’d be bitter about it if you didn’t also appreciate how she'd always use it to talk sense into you. Especially in times like this. You think between her and Seungwan you’ll never be allowed a negative thought again.

 

You slump against her shoulder as she rubs your back gently. “I’m tired.”

 

“Did you already take your medicine?”

 

“Maybe.”

 

You feel her body vibrate as she laughs. “Well that’s why. You can sleep when we get back.”

 

You nod, eyes closing involuntarily. It’s a strangely relaxing moment despite the various people bustling everywhere around you. You can feel yourself beginning to drift off, the medicine you took earlier beginning to take effect, but before you do a thought enters your mind and you force yourself to stay awake for just a bit longer.

 

“Unnie?” you call.

 

Joohyun hums. “Yeah?”

 

“Thank you.”

 

She doesn’t ask you what for, but you wouldn’t be surprised if she already knew.

 

“Any time.”

 

--

 

You go the store with Seungwan and find a camera you can’t keep yourself from going back to every five minutes. It’s on sale which you think has to be a sign so you buy it, Seungwan shaking her head the whole time but making no effort to stop you. When Sooyoung sees you fiddling with it on the couch, she raises a brow.

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Camera,” you answer, trying to figure out the different shutter speeds and why that even matters.

 

“I know that,” Sooyoung retorts. “But why do you have one?”

 

“It was on sale,” is all you say and it seems to be enough because you hear Sooyoung walk away.

 

You’re on your second accidental picture of the coffee table when Sooyoung’s voice filters in from the kitchen.

 

“I’ll bet you 5000₩ she gives it up in a week.”

 

You whip your head around to narrow your eyes at Sooyoung and Yerim who don’t even pretend to look apologetic.

 

“You’re on.” They snicker as you go back to your camera, taking your third picture of your feet as you do.

 

In an effort to prove them wrong you spend the majority of your free time trying to figure out how to work the small thing. It’s harder than you thought it’d be, but after dozens of ruined shots and blurry photos, you can at least hold the camera properly.

 

You go overseas for a company concert and you think that now is as good a time as any to try and do some actual photography. Sooyoung jokes around that all your pictures are going to be out of focus, but she still poses when you ask her to, looking over your shoulder to see if it came out okay and praising you when it does.

 

Seungwan and Yerim entertain you as well, modeling in front of whatever you ask them to and occasionally getting behind the camera to photograph you as well. Joohyun just watches, laughing whenever someone makes an unflattering face, but she won’t let you take her picture, dodging behind you whenever you turn to her.

 

“Why not?” you whine and she scrunches her nose.

 

“I hate pictures.”

 

You think it’s unfair because she’s one of the few people you know who looks good in any angle, but you don’t push it. Sooyoung and Yerim are more than willing participants anyways.

 

You sit down as you wait for your flight, going through the pictures you took that day and trying to weed out the ones you know should never see the light of day. Joohyun and Yerim are across from you, looking at something on Yerim’s phone.

 

When you look up, Joohyun’s smiling at whatever Yerim’s showing her and the lighting is too good to pass up and she looks too beautiful for you to ignore so you raise the camera, capturing the moment before she can notice. It comes out as good as you knew it would and you smile subconsciously as you look at it.

 

“Pretty,” Seungwan comments, chin resting on your shoulder.

 

Joohyun laughs then and you glance up, appreciating the curve of her eyes and the line of her jaw as she throws her head back. She catches your eye briefly, smiling just a fraction more before turning her attention back to Yerim.

 

Your face warms and you lower your head.

 

“Yeah,” you agree.

 

She really is.

 

--

 

When you win first place, there’s a rush of emotions that fill you to the point you aren’t even sure what to feel.

 

There’s a mic being handed to you and you give an acceptance speech you’re sure you won’t remember later. It’s only when the song - your song - starts playing that it hits you full force.

 

You just won first place.

 

You’re crying before you can stop yourself and you turn away from the audience to try and hide it. You’re reminded again of those seven years you spent wondering, waiting for when your time would come and the realization that it already has, that this is your time, has you pressing your face further into your sleeves.

 

You bow to the audience, to the fans cheering for you, and hope that somehow they’ll understand just how thankful you are to each of them in this moment because even though this is the dream you’ve alway worked for, it was them who helped make it a reality.

 

When you get backstage, it’s Seungwan who gathers you all for a group hug. There’s a lot of tears and a lot of laughing and you’re not sure who starts it (it was probably Yerim) but you’re all bouncing around in a circle, probably looking crazier than you ever have, but no one stops you.

 

You don’t think you can get any happier.

 

--

 

It’s when it’s late at night and you’re still riding on the adrenaline that came with winning, that you leave your bed and enter the living room, finding Joohyun there easily. She’s sitting on the couch, eyeing the trophy sitting on the table. You don’t get to keep it with you forever, but they let you take it home for the night after Sooyoung begged and Yerim gave them those eyes no one could say no to.

 

You sit next to her and she smiles at you.

 

“We won,” you say and she chuckles quietly.

 

“We did.”

 

“Can you believe you it?” you ask because you can’t. You remember when the two of you would sit together in the practice room, talking about what you’d say if you ever won and how it all seemed so unimaginable at the time. It still does.

 

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around it,” she answers honestly.

 

You sit together silently after that, marveling at the small prize you used to daydream about. It all feels like so long ago, and you think that so much has changed, but at the same time nothing has at all.

 

You still sing and dance every day, still swoon over Seungwan’s voice when you hear it, still play around with Sooyoung and Yerim, still think about Joohyun more than anyone else, and still love her more than you should.

 

You love her and right now it feels like it’s burning you, overwhelming you to the point that you need to say it. Your mind is still cloudy from winning and general exhaustion that your heart wins the battle easily, but just as you open your mouth to tell her, she beats you to it.

 

“Seulgi-yah,” she calls, turning to you but you’re already looking.

 

You aren’t sure what makes you do it in that moment, but you breathe deeply, steeling yourself for what’s to come and with more assurance than you’ve ever had for anything in your life, finally tell her, “I love you.”

 

Joohyun’s eyes widen and it’s enough to make you realize what you just said. You’re ready to come up with an excuse, play it off as just platonic, anything to salvage this mess of a situation you’ve brought upon yourself, but then Joohyun grins, expression softening as she grabs at your hand.

 

“I was going to say that,” she says and you’re positive you heard wrong.

 

“What?”

 

Joohyun laughs, moving closer so that she can rest her forehead against yours. You close your eyes on impulse and when you feel how warm your body is, you think about how this is something you only ever feel with Joohyun. A kind of security she’s always given you since you sat next to her that day in the practice room all those years ago.

 

She still makes your heart beat just as fast.

 

“I love you too.”

 

--

A/N: I’m never writing a canon fic again.That being said, this second part was considerably harder to write so apologies if anything seems weird/off/ooc (also pretend the timeline is accurate again lol). Thank you to everyone who’s read this mess of an experiment<3