My only Sunshine

You are my Sunshine

 

 

Let me start with a brief introduction. Hello, I'm Baekhyun and I'm living my life as a 18 year old boy. I love to eat and play. But what I most love is you. Yes, you who is reading my pathetic diary life. In society, I am well known for being the trash and garbage that always strolls around the city and ends up in the garbage bin. I would like to tell you about my life for a while, do you like that? Do you want to know more about me, you know since like I never really told anybody about my secretive life? I have no other siblings beside....me. I have no parents because they died. Died in an airplane crash that happened like on 1990? I don't know blekh! Anyway, I love reading all these books especially romance since I'm a huge er for those. But the thing that I like doing for my whole life is loving you. Let's be real here, we both knew this. You were silent and shy, I'm just like you but I'm just being brave when I talk to you. You like reading all those fanfics about your EXO boys and you were constantly glued to your phone. I wanna get this straight that I do not like your habit. I'm annoyed by it but I just can't get myself to tell you that because I do not want to hurt you and see you frown. All my life I have been commented that what I'm doing is annoying and irratating. I cried because what I do has never been acceptable or 'alright' in society so I do not want you to feel ashamed or judged so I just kept my mouth shut. I think I have made my intro abit too long now have I? Sorry.

 

 

January 15, Monday

 

School starts today and I'm getting ready for the day. I went down to grab my breakfast that the chef made me and now the maids are preparing my bag and shoes. I slipped in to them and took a sip of my coffee, savouring the arabic taste. I bid my butler, maids and staffs goodbye with a cute smile that I normally do and left the house. In the car I saw my extra uniform was hanged on those things you hold with your hands. Hey, I might be smart but I do not know about the parts of the cars! As the driver Cho drived I felt uneasy and bothered. My guess was right cause right after that I started coughing wildly and uncontrolably. "No,No,No. This can't be happening now. Please stop!" I couldn't help it now, I hurriedly drop my body on the seat and instantly curled my body into millipede, grabbing my feet why covering my mouth roughly with my hanky. I struggled for my breath and crunch my neatly ironed shirt. This isn't happening now, I can't miss the frst day of school because of this. I felt the car stop moving but I just continued coughing, bearing the pain in my throat and lungs. The door flew open and I saw driver Cho their with his anxious face all over again. He hovered over my body to pull me up into a sitting position and huriedly pat my back as if its going to help me. He fished his phone out and told me that he was gonna call that maids and tell them to bring me clothes while I'm being in charge in the hospital. In my mind, there's only one thing that I could say and that is, "NO! Don't you even dare to send me to the hospital!! I don't wanna end up like my parents!!!" I know I was being mean but I meant what I said. In no way is he going to send me there. Fate and destiny is there and I don't wanna meet them. Not when I have her in my mind. But of course, driver Cho disagree and told me he was still doing it no matter what. That made me burst out in anger and grabbed his colar with a fierce stare while I'm still coughing. "You will not do as you please. I command you not to bring me there and just send me to school. I don't care if this is killing me but what I care is for you to follow as I say. I will be fine just drive." I am still grabbing his colar waiting for his reply. My hand pop out veins and my bones was visible. "Master, if this is because of a girl you so love, please keep in mind that your heal-" "Don't you dare talk about this." I growled and pushed him out of the car with every once of my energy left in stored. I might be a in school but so help me, when you have been living with me and know about my life you are in no position no order me around. I am Baekhyun and I have my own life to take care of not you. You should already know that since you have been living with me.

 

The rest of the day, as normal I'm alone. I did nothing but just learn, do homeworks and my most important thing, have an eye on her. She was just like me even though she was a freshman last year and only appeared during the last day of school. I miss her so much it kills me inside but now I can keep an eye on you since you're in my class and best, you were sitting on the table next to mine! One table away but it's Ok, I can still see you. Unlike me, you atleast have friends who you can talk to but not me. You only said a 'Hi' to me but that was it. It had me smiling like an idiot though. Best day ever!

 

 

You know, I was your number one stalker back then fyi. I was like a ninja! Oooh you're smiling now aren't you? Wait, let me guess, you're rolling your eyes now aren't ya? Oh Oh Oh! Now you're thinking of how cute I am right! Now you're giggling and chuckling! I love it when you do that, makes me feel happy and jumpy since I caused that! Me! Byun Baekhyun casted your sorrows away! Now I just proved to you that I'm a reliable person that always care for you. Feel happy and honored because only I can do that to you...or so I think I do or maybe......You have another man in your life?! Nah, can't be happening. I already stole your heart with my cuteness. Kkaebsong!

 

 

January 17, Wednesday

 

She didn't came to school yesterday, that was a first. I became dull that day and I didn't even write down on my diary. Even my coughing became worse. It's either I miss her or I'm dying. I know I am getting weak, don't ask me. I wanted to ask her why since now she was apart from her friends which is a great opportunity for me. I gather up my balls and tap her shoulder with a shaking body. Oh boy, she's looking at me right now with her glasses. Cute. "Hey, do you know me?" I carefully and softly ask. Now I even feel my balls shaking, ugh. "Y-yeah. You're that Baekhyun kid, right?" She said while avoiding my gaze. "Sooo, why didn't you go to school yesterday? Were you sick?" Finally, the moment of truth. "M-my mom needed my help taking care of our store. Y-you realized I did not came? You aknowledge my excistence?" I bacame red all the way from head to toe when she asked me that. I was so panic I didn't even dare to look at her. The next thing I do, I admit it was especially for boys who got dem balls...like me! "How can I not when you attract my attention? You have always been since the day you walked in class." Let me tell you, I don't know if she will think weirdly about me now since the weirdo Baekhyun said that but what I know is that I was bold. It was so un-cliche at that time. "Really? Hehe, you're cute. Have you gotten your lunch cause I haven't. Care to join me?" She spoke shyly and so soft that could literally made me faint of overloading cuteness! "Are you Ok with that? Do you know who I am? What if after this they will think differently of you? I rather not." "Please don't think that way. Just come with me. I'm an outsider too you know? I am also one of those neglected person in school. You should not let that bother you becau-" "You have friends and I don't. It's ok, I don't think I wanna go now. You should keep up with your friends. I'm sure they wouldn't want to see you hanging out with me now would they?" "Actually, they are just fake. I know because I heard them talking bad about me before. Don't mind them. No friends you say? Then let me be your friend." I swear, this day needs to be jotted down in history.

 

 

I'm bored now, can we go and take some ice cream? You always say this is my childish side but you can't resist it when I feed you, right? Here comes the airplane! You like yogurt which you say is more mature. Pfft, yeah right. You always go bezerk when it comes to the topping section either way. You always go crazy with spinkles, I notice it Ok. Once the manager came to me and told me to tell you that if you don't chill with the spirnkles you're gonna get banned. I didn't really told but I just adviced you. Luckily you chilled down and didn't get banned but if you do, it's Ok. I will buy you endless sprinkles, you can even coat the whole entire yogurt with it! I'll make a fountain with it too if you requested. I will do anything for you...

 

 

March 24, Tuesday

 

It seems like I got more than I bargain for. You and I are considered best friends in the eye of the students. I was happy, but what I was not happy was when the students mock us. They told her to be carefull because after I'm done her I would then let her die. I did not felt good, I really didn't. She's not just a 'her', she's Taeyeon. My beauty queen. One day I planned to beat the out of the guy who said that to us but just then, I just had to cough. Oh, I'm getting worse now. The blood now has gotten more thicker and the amount coming out is more rather than two months ago. Still I refused to meet the doctor. Taeyeon always kept asking why when everytime I cough I will leave her and head straight to the boys restroom. Truth is, I was hiding from her....Diary, I'm hiding myself.....I'm hiding my true self from her....I'm hiding my.....I'm hiding my truth. My truth that I have cancer. I'm hiding the painful truth from her because I know, I know she won't be happy and pity me. I don't want her to pity me, Diary. My sickness was kinda obvious since my hair starts to fall out easily. To make it simple, I hid my hair while wearing a beanie. I told her that I have an alergie towards sunlight which was not a lie. I always had that ever since I was 14. I'm a bad friend for lying to her but what can I do? Diary, you don't expect me to reveal it to her, do you? The people who knew this were all the people living with me. I'm dying, I know. I'm getting weak and tired. I walk slowly, my bones start to hurt. And nobody knows it but me. Before this, doctors have insisted that I stop schooling and just rest for the time being until I fully recovered which is bull to me. I'm at stage two and actually, I don't even plan to live anymore. Even if there's a chance for me recover I just wanna die now. I don't wanna be a test subject for docters to experiment with different types of medicine to cure cancer at stage two. I won't be living as a guinea pig and I won't be some hope for cancer patients. Sorry to say but this is my decision and not theirs. No one is gonna help me make my decisions even Taeyeon. It's my choice to live or die and I choose the less popular choice, obviously. If God wants me to live then so be it, destiny nor fate is not the one who will let me live or not. I think I'm gonna end it here...I'm getting to emotional and serious in this. I'm sorry Diary....and I'm sorry Taeyeon.

 

 

Back in the days, I was a lonely boy. Who trudge to fight war with his cancer. I planned to give up and just, well lie down, waiting. But you, you gave me hope. You, the reader, gave me hope because, you care about me. You opened a world that has meaning to my life, happiness. Even caring about me, I feel.....loved. I have been longing for this feeling. Telling me you love me isn't enough, but when you do something that shows me you love me? I don't care anymore I will always be your friend and always be the one you can rely on. When you cry, I will be the first to stay by your side. When you're angry, I will be the one who cheers you up. When you're sad, I will always comfort you and say sweet things to you until you fall asleep in my arms. When you're bored, I will accompany you and do fun stuff with you. And when you're lonely, I will sing you a song, and tell you how much I feel about you. After that, you will feel the emotions I stated. And guess who will be the guy that stays by your side? ........Me

 

 

April 7, Tuesday

 

Dear Diary...

 

I don't think I can handle this anymore. I'm getting so weak, when I walk my whole body aches. I'm getting dizzy with the pain. But I kept stong, for Taeyeon. But I really think my days are getting closer. I'm getting bald and now, it seems as if I cough every 25 minutes. I know I can't hide the truth any longer, it will come to an end. My secrets. I-I think, I will go to the hospital to get check. At leastmaybe it will extend my days to be with her, right? I have gained suspicion from her and now, she even wants to know where I live so that she can take care of me and be sure I made it safely home. I strongly oppsed and told her that I wanted to keep it private. Luckily she understands me and just shove it, but she still felt really burdened now. I'm sorry I made you feel that way, I really am. I have caused her so much trouble and now, I wish I had never met her before. So harsh, my words..but I can't help it. I'm going to school now....

 

Diary, Diary!! I'm cooped up in the one of the stalls and I can't stop coughing! I-I need to call driver Cho...I need to go to the hospital.....I-I can feel it. M-My health, my life, I feel it. I feel my head getting heavier, I'm rocking back and forth. I don't care anymore, I-I-I need to.....Taeyeon, forgive me...I don't mean to leave you....Goodbye, my love. Take care.........

 

 

After that, I didn't even enter school anymore. I stop everything, I even stop contacting you. I kept you curious. That day and since then, I was forced to take shelter back home, my mansion. There were endless nights where I can't even sleep. I can't get up without the help of my maids. My room has turned into a hospital, I smell death. Death was written all around me. I was given painful injections all over my body and was given morphine all througout the devastating day. I cried because I felt so useless and pathetic. Now I know why I was classified as trash. I felt like one. It doesn't takes a genius to see that. I received endless calls and texts from you and I was dying to reply to them but I just can't. I can't bear to hear your voice. I can't bear to answer all your questions because it hurts, it hurts too much.

 

It was the end of April now, I became way too weak. But what shocked me was, my maid told me I have a visitor....

 

 

April 30, Thursday

 

I can't believe it...She came to visit me. She saw the truth....S-Sh-She cried...I tried my very best to get down from my bed but I can't even move. It is ing irritating to me. My tears were flowing and now, I can't even ...Taeyeon!!!!! I just want to shout!!! I can't contain it, my anger. My anger towards my ing self!!! this!!! my life!!!! Taeyeon is hurt and it's all because of me!!!!! , !!!! 

 

"Baekhyun, why didn't you tell me? Why?! Why did you hide this from me?!"

"Ta-Tae ahhh." I said as I gently caressed her wet cheek.

"You idiot. You don't know how worried I was. Do you know that I cried? I thought that something bad happened to you."

"S-sorry. I-I was j-just t-trying to-"

"Trying to prevent me from getting hurt? Baek, I'm hurt now. I always suspected something but I didn't expect this. What did I lack for you to not trust me about this?"

"Yeon, you didn't lack anything. You are perfect to me. I just care abo-"

"I love you Baekhyun. I love you so much. I'm just a coward to not confess. But get this, I always had my eyes on you since I walk in those doors. When I found out I got the same class as you I was so happy. That day when you talked to me, I can't help but to ask you to accompany me to lunch. And the process where we became close is the most beautiful part. I realized I didn't just had a crush on you, I love you. I even went to an extend to threat the guys who mocked you. I got slaped by my fake friends from defending you. Guess what I did. I slap them back and told them to off. I ditched everyone that I ever known in this school just to be friends with you. When you didn't attend school anymore I started to live miserably. I cried myself to sleep, I stopped eating well, I dreamt of bad things and I even ignore my parents because I was just so, sad. You were the cause and now, I came here to see if you were well turns out to be the opposite. Instead, you lay here. Pale and frail, crying. It pains me to see the one I love being tortured like this. Your hair is getting less and I can see your scalp. No wonder you wore a beanie to school, huh? No wonder you kept avoiding me when you start to cough."

"Tae-"

"What do you want to say? Explain to me how you did this all because you didn't want me to ge hurt? That's not a great reason, Baek. You know, I even started to dream a life with you. Have kids because I was so sure that we will live our lives together. I even convinced myself that you will return the feelings I gave you. I trusted you  and I love you so much. Do you even love me? Do you even take a second to think about me when I'm not with you? Do you even-"

 

That was the time I kissed her beautiful lips. It didn't take a second for me to do it. I just can't stand it anymore. Her lips are too tempting for me..

 

"You still wanna know if I love you?"

"B-Baek."

"I love you the moment I saw you. I don't even need a second to think about you because even when I'm with you, I always think about you. I didn't just think of having a life with you, I dreamt we grow old together, have grandchildren and die with our grave side by side. I wanted to keep you happy and all of that and really do try to make you smile. I avoided you because I didn't want to burden you and let you get hurt. Even I'm not sure if you will ever return my feelings. I'm sorry that you got slap and most of all, I'm sorry that I kept this away from you. I didn't think it was necessary for you to know. I thought maybe you had your eyes on someone else besides of me. I love you Taeyeon. I was coward too but I don't want you to pity me, please? I don't want you to cry always. I may look weak and all but you gave me hope to live. Tae, all I want you to know is...I Love You..

 

The rest of the day we kept talking with each other. I think this is going to be my last diary since I can't even properly handle my pen. I started to cough again and well, splatters of blood got onto her and my bedsheet. I could sense panic in her eyes because this was all new for her. So eventually she called the maids and immediately I shout in pain because I felt the liquid going into my system through my waist. I was injected. The pain was horible and I even started crying and whimpering in pain. Worst, Tae was there to see me. I tried so desperately to ask her to go out so that she won't see but I couldn't even say anything but shouting. I started sweating vigorously and I could feel my body getting numb. The pain was that incredible until my body actually got numb. I couldn't move my body at all and it was so frustrating! I felt so controlled and so, so limited. So this was the taste of death? Seems like its going to be my new best friend.

 

 

After that day I could already sense the ending. I kept it quiet all the time. You always stayed by my side and we shared stories when we were young and also some stupid stories of us. I felt really close to you now and it feels great! I shared my days with you and made sure that my time was filled with you. You were my source of happiness which I will ever so treasure. I am now using a wheelchair. I asked you to help me take a stroll around my most favourite place ever since I was young, the playground where my parents used to always take me to when I was bored. It changed but the memories were there and still remained fresh in my mind. You help me get on the swing and pushed me slightly. We were laughing and in the end, had the time of our lives. My birthday was nearing and now, it is May 3. You said you kept wishing that I will until live it was my birthday so that we could both celebrate it together. Soon, we were quiet and it stayed that way until I decided to speak up. I passed you a note....Hahaha, it is this note that you are reading now. I spent my last few days writing this and I hope you will treasure this letter. My love, you were a gift from the heavens that I cannot decline. I told you to open this letter when you are ready. Sooo, let me tell you a few things that happened in my life..

 

As you know, I am an orphan. And now, you finnaly the truth about me. The truth that I have lung cancer. I was diagonosed with this isnce I was 14. I got lucky for a really long time. I actually was gonna get chemotheraphy but I just declined it. I was young and I easily lost hope in living. I have no one except the staffs at home and the money my parents left me. I was so sure that I was gonna died soon but I didn't. I started to get affected by the harsh comments of students. I got bullied and I even got abused mentally. It happens quite frequently actually. When I was 16 I started to see the world as a better place and started to live better. I accepted my fate and let God choose a way. The worse was when I came home and I was covered in flour, eggs, a bruised face and bloodly lips. But I wansn't angry. I came home early and the moment I enter the house, the maids came to my assistance. They asked me to report it and all but I just shrug the thought off and gave them a heart warming smile saying "Let them be, they will know what they did wrong when the time is right. I don't wish to hold a grudge on them and I don't want them to suffer just like I do. I am happy and I accept my fate and I accept the fact that I get abused all the time. I love where I am now."

 

But I remembered when I was 15, I got soo affected my all these negativity I just thought that it was better to end my life. I got home feeling so low and disgusting that I just locked myself in my parents room and cried the whole day. The maids wanted to comfort me but when everytime they got close to me I shouted, " you! Get out you freaks! Leave me alone with my parents!" I swear I was gonna end up in a mentality ward talking about my dead parents still here. That time, I remembered that I went infront of a mirror tried to find something, something that was a nuiscance or something out of place. I tried to find the thing that made people detest me so much. In the end I got frustrated I started crying again. I tried it again but I couldn't find one single thing that was out of place and it's making me insane! Every single time I looked in the mirror I only saw my pathetic reflection. That's when it hit me. It's not something on my face or body that they hate, it was just...me. They hated me. And unfortunately, it was not something that I can change so easily. That was when I tried to end my life. I go soo caried away with all these negativity that I actually thought of ending my life right there. I search the whole entire room for a rope or something. I wanted to find something that could slowly kill me so that I actually feel death. A gun was hidden in one of the drawers but I did not want to die so fast and so instantly. It needs to be quiet and slow. At last, I just decided to use my dad's belt and tied it on a pull up bar dad in their room. It was succesful, I actually was seconds away from dying when I hung myself. Luckily back then a maid walk in and stop me from dangling in mid air. Ever since that day the satffs had always kept an eye on me but I was feeling annoyed and asked them to stop it. Pretty sure I assured them that I was not gonna do it again but they still do. Between you and me, I secretly kinda hate them for babying too much.

 

The rest of my days, well it's just how I would normally spent it. Boring? Again, don't pity me. I use the word 'pity' a lot now do I? Deal with it. I don't know if we are considered boyfriends and girlfriends but honestly, let's just stay as best friends, Ok? I don't want you to date me even though I want you to. I just don't want us to date because I don't want to break up with you. When I die, we will always stay as couples, and when you moved on, you will feel burderned because you are still attached to me, a dead guy. I don't want that for you, Ok? 

 

Sometimes, I know I'm a burden and a pain in the '' you feel in love with me, didn't you? Let's move to the part why I fell in love with you. You're a cutiepie and you're beautiful with and without your glasses. You might be short, like seriously. Babe, you're too short and honestly way too skinny. Eat more! You have that personality similar to mine and we share the same likings and dislikes so I figured we match, which we do, kkaebsong. You make me feel so happy when I'm around you and you make me feel like I'm your personal bodyguard even though I didn't really did a good job. Truthfully, I don't even know why I fell for you. I guess it was love at first sight, haha. You don't believe in such fairytales, I know but that's what I feel. I just fell for you like that and kaboom, I love you. And I will always love you, my queen. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Remember? I used to sing you that song?

 

I don't want to make my death painful and miserable even though only you and the staffs are gonna attend. I just wanna say, you are the most treasureable thing that I have. Don't be sad when I'm gone because finally, I get to join my parents and grandparents! Woohoo! *tear falls on paper* I love you, Tae. It's hard for me to say goodbye to you. I'm fatal for you. But just now that every moment that I spent with you were the best days of my life. I get to interact with my crush so why wouldn't I? I may have hurt you, I'm so sorry. By now, I know I'm dead, cheer up. One day you will still meet me, right? But I don't wanna meet you too soon so don't ever try suiciding. I think I've spoken everything what I wanted to. You received a video of me serenading you a song right? Right after reading this, watch that video again and think of me. Remember, I will always love you my love!

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                        Baekhyun

                                                                                                                                                                                                    May 6, 2014, 12.00 a.m.

 

 

 

Video

 

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

 

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamt I held you in my arms

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So I hung my head, and cried

 

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

 

I'll always love you and make you happy

If you will only say the name

But if you leave me to love another

You'll regret it all one day

 

You are my sunshine, my only shine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You never know, dear, how much I love you

 

Please don't take my sunshine away

 

 

"Taeyeon! Like the song? I learned it just for you cause you are my sunshine. You may think I'm weird because well, we're just friends but I really like the song and I feel like dedicating this song to you, my sunshine. I will always treasure you, my only sunshine! Don't you ever leave me to love another! You will regret it! I mean like how can you get any man better than me? I'm cute and I'm handsome and I am perfect for you! Hahaha, kkaebsong. *approaches camera and kissed it.* I love you, my sunshine."

 

 

 

 

 

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YourPrettyName #1
Chapter 1: You made me cry kid. Why
Taebeak #2
Chapter 1: Omg this is so sad I was crying at the end because it showed how much he loved her. Thank you for writing this