Jessica blows out a long exhale as she watches their manager and coordinator flank Taeyeon, on either side, as they make their way through the airport. Jessica tries to be professional, smiling and waving for the paparazzi—when she remembers to—but she’s pretty sure the web portals will be covered in angry netitizens, criticizing her for her evident bad mood.

But if Jessica’s mood is visibly bad, then she for sure knows that Taeyeon’s is hundred times more obvious in the photographs getting snapped today.

“Alright, you guys know the drill: passports out,” their manager tells the nine girls.

Jessica tries not to roll her eyes because they’ve done this hundreds of times before and they don’t need to be reminded. However, her irritation gets derailed when a friendly face pops into her line of sight.

“I know you’re tired, but try to look less like a corpse,” Tiffany tells Jessica, offering her a sympathetic smile.

“Sorry, what?” Jessica asks as she’s taken out of her daze.

“Come on,” Tiffany nudges her fellow American with her elbow, “you look like your dog died. Smile,” Tiffany tells her as she waves for a few fans. Jessica follows suit and the pair earn a couple of loving screams as they pose for pictures. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“Sorry, it’s just been a rough few days. I’ve just been a…” she pauses when she catches Taeyeon and Yuri, on the other side of the metal detector, getting frisked, “…a bit out of it,” she trails off quietly.

The duo hand over their boarding passes and passports to the security guard before passing through the metal detector. When they rendezvous at the conveyer belt to claim their carry-on, Tiffany resumes their conversation.

“You okay? Wanna talk about it?” Tiffany asks.

Jessica hesitates momentarily before answering. “Can I…get your opinion on something?”

“Shoot.”

“If your friend had a problem—a problem that you think could be easily resolved just by talking,” she trails off as she gathers her belongings from her own tray, “do you think you’d be over stepping your bounds if you—oof!” As Jessica turns from the conveyer belt, she accidentally bumps into Taeyeon. At the kid leader’s startled face, Jessica tries to laugh off the awkward encounter. “Haha, sorry, Taengoo!”

“It’s fine,” Taeyeon says plainly, moving pass Jessica, without so much as a glance.

Jessica sighs and catches Yuri’s eyes as the girl follows Taeyeon, also on her way to retrieve her belongings from her tray. “She’s probably just tired from her schedule,” Yuri offers Jessica in a reassuring whisper.

Jessica wonders if she looks like some sort of wounded puppy to garner a comforting comment like that from her groupmate. ‘Are Taeyeon and I that obvious?’

“Sorry, you were saying?” Tiffany asks, trying to gather the rest of Jessica’s story.

“N-never mind,” Jessica sighs, trying to shove Taeyeon away to the back of her mind. “I’m just over-thinking things. Nothing a nap won’t solve.”

“You…sure you’re okay?” Tiffany asks, concerned with the way Jessica brushes the topic off with a smile that’s far too practiced for cameras. “Did your friend—”

“It’s not important, don’t worry about it. Let’s just have a good show in Osaka.” Jessica smiles before she leaves her American groupmate and continues down the hall.

As they make their way towards their gate, Tiffany and Yuri exchange glances once they spot Jessica deliberately moving to the other side of the hallway, away from Taeyeon, who has buried herself between staff members.

“Am I just reading too much into this, or does it look like they’re fighting again? Tiffany asks, quietly.

Yuri snorts a laugh. “When aren’t they fighting these days?”

At the thought of her two groupmates, Tiffany sighs, dramatically rolling her head back to take a breather. When she gets enough oxygen into her lungs, she rolls her head back and looks over at Yuri. “Are we on damage-control-duty today?”

Her answer doesn’t come from Yuri though. “Yes,” Sunny says, passing by the two girls. “It’s your turn.”

Yuri and Tiffany share a harmonized groan as they follow their shorter groupmate down the catwalk and onto the plane.

 

Jessica thanks God—and her manager—that she’s seated away from Taeyeon for the two-hour flight. As much as she wants to resolve their dispute, she just doesn’t have the energy to tackle that right now. Right now, she really wants a nap.

But as soon as she sinks her head back into the seat and closes her eyes, Yuri leans into her ear and whispers, “hey, are you and Taeyeon fighting again?”

Jessica sighs with the weight of all her worries in the one breath. Opening her eyes and turning to her groupmate, she keeps her voice low. “Is it that obvious?” she asks, hating the traces of flutters in her voice from the past few restless nights.

Yuri frowns. “What happened this time?”

Lip pulled between her teeth, Jessica chews on it for a moment, deliberating on lying or telling Yuri the truth. She settles for partial honesty.

“I think I said some stuff that I shouldn’t have.” Jessica looks diagonally at the row in front to see the back of Taeyeon’s head, propped up on her fist. “I think she’s really mad.”

Jessica is thankful that Yuri doesn’t ask about the contents on their quarrel, instead, her friend reaches over and gently squeezes Jessica’s thigh. “It’s nothing an apology can’t make up for, right?”

“Maybe.”

Just a few rows up, Tiffany sighs because Sunny had forcefully made them switch seats, so that she could babysit their moody kid leader. Tiffany really doesn’t want to deal with Taeyeon when she’s like this, but she holds her breath and leans in, anyways.

“Hey, are you and Sica fighting again?”

Taeyeon gives a non-committable shrug, hating how much she’s been thinking of their fight already. “I don’t know,” she mumbles into her palm, where her head rests.

“What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Oh boy.

Even with Taeyeon practically radiating a storm of daggers, Tiffany tries to soften her voice. “Come on, Taetae, you can tell me—”

“Fany, I said I don’t want to talk about it,” Taeyeon snaps a little stronger.

At the unnecessary aggression—that’s inadvertently directed at Tiffany— the American frowns, feeling her own temper start to bubble. “You better not be acting like this whole time,” she warns her friend. “There’s going to be a lot of coverage at Universal studios—”

“Look,” Taeyeon snaps and whips her head around, letting her temper visibly burn. “I can smile and dance and sing. You don’t have to worry about the performance, okay?” she gives her friend a final hard stare, setting up her guard at maximum defense before watches Tiffany shrink away, annoyed.

“Fine, do whatever you want,” Tiffany grumbles, putting on her headphones.

Taeyeon already knows she’ll be apologizing for this outburst later, but, right now, she just can’t handle anything outside of her head. Besides, it’s Tiffany. They never let petty fights stew between them for more than a day.

The kid leader sinks back into her slouch and puts on her headphones too. She spins her thumb on the dial and jacks up the volume of her music, desperate for the sounds to override her thoughts. Taeyeon’s so angry, but she knows that rage is directed at herself more than anything else.

 

***

 

Taeyeon doesn’t have control over who she is or who she falls in love with, but if there’s one place that’s her sanctum, it’s the stage.

Under the heat of the spotlight, Taeyeon breathes in the sweet taste of success and fulfilled dreams while their Japanese fans are going crazy at their feet.

Singing is what she is born for; singing is undisputedly her destiny. She doesn’t believe she’s good at anything else, but she knows her voice is a gift. She’s absolutely stellar at her job and she takes great pride in it.

Even if the walls of her life feel like they’re crumbling, she finds fortitude in the music she loves to share with thousands of fans, screaming her name and cheering her on.

Feet shuffle, arms snap, they all shift in transition, and the new dance formation puts Taeyeon front and center as the music swells. This is what she is born for and she knows nothing outside of it.

Deep breath. The beat drops off, creating a canvas of silence for her voice to resonate in. She pulls the mic further from as she belts her high note, letting her siren-seducing voice ring loud and clear from the stage.

Her note fills the stadium and Taeyeon soars with it, feeling all the weight of her burdens float away.

But then a slip.

No.

Her voice dips, a slight waver, but she strains through it.

Just another second.

A flicker, then a fracture and, suddenly, it all collapses into a raspy break.

No, no, no.

At the sound of her fragmented voice, Taeyeon tries to remain professional on stage and smile brightly, but she feels like crying when everything feels like it’s slipping through her fingertips.

 

***

 

While the other girls decide to go shopping, meet up with friends and explore the city, Taeyeon politely declines, telling them that she’s tired. Really, after the lackluster performance she had earlier this morning, the last thing Taeyeon wants is to go out and try to have fun.

She certainly doesn’t feel like she deserves it.

“You sure you don’t want to come shopping?” Sooyoung asks her leader.

“Yeah,” Taeyeon sighs, “you guys have fun. I’m going to head back upstairs.”

“We’ll bring you back a present—maybe!” Sooyoung calls back as she exits the hotel lobby.

“Hey.” A hand gently squeezes the girl’s shoulder and Taeyeon turns to find Sunny’s smiling face. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all have off days,” she offers the kid leader.

Taeyeon scoffs a laugh when she hates how transparent she is. “Thanks. I must be tired or catching something or—I don’t know,” Taeyeon says, shaking her head at the embarrassing memory, looping in the back of her mind. “I’m going to go sleep it off.”

A short elevator ride later, slumped in self-pity against the wall, a ding sounds when it hits Taeyeon’s floor. She drags her feet, sloppy and tired, down a hall that’s much longer than she’d like. She passes by a mirror and she can’t stand looking at the shameful reflection, staring back at her.

When she hears a banging, she snaps out of her depressing haze when she spots one of her groupmates, hitting a vending machine.

She squints at the figure. “Yoona?” Taeyeon calls out, quizzically.

“Oh! Taeyeon-unnie.”

“What’re you doing?” Taeyeon laughs at the sight.

The younger girl pouts as she throws the machine a menacing glare. “It ate my money.”

Taeyeon chuckles. “Weren’t you supposed to go out and eat with the other girls?”

“No, I’m too tired to shop,” Yoona whines through a yawn. “I just wanted to eat something and then go to sleep,” she pouts, staring at the deep-fried goods that only Japanese vending machines seem to offer. “Whatever, I’m going to go nap first.”

“Did you even eat this morning?”

“I'll eat later—”

“The last time you did that, you said you woke up so hungry that you said you thought you were going to die,” Taeyeon laughs. “Come on, I’m starving and ordering room service anyways. Let's get you something.”

Twenty minutes later, Taeyeon finds her younger groupmate accompanying her as their room service arrives. It surprises Taeyeon, herself, that she had invited the girl to join her. Part of her just really wants to be alone, curled up in bed, trying to nurse a bruised ego, but part of her also just loves the simple company of a friend.

The fact that it’s Yoona, who’s always warm, playful and full of smiles makes Taeyeon feel a little better just from being in the same space as her.

“Unnie, you should drink this,” Yoona says, offering the older girl a cup of warm water with lemon and honey. “It’s good for your throat.”

Taeyeon sighs, taking the warm cup from her groupmate. “It was really bad, wasn’t it?” she winces when she can still recall her blown high note, ricocheting in her skull.

Thin lips offer her a sympathetic smile. “You’ve been working too hard. You need to take care of yourself. Your voice sounds different when you’re stressed.”

“Me? I’m not the one filming a drama and recording our new album. Nobody works harder than you,” Taeyeon laughs.

Yoona gives the shorter girl a bright smile and Taeyeon thinks how amazing she is. Yoona probably has the worst schedule of them all, and yet, she’s always so playful, so bright, and always so hard working.

Taeyeon’s awed by the girl’s optimistic nature.

“How is your drama going, anyways?” Taeyeon asks.

Yoona sighs through a mouthful of rice, but chews and swallows before answering. “It’s really tiring. Because of filming, I miss so many practices and have to learn the choreography on the fly.” She sighs sadly, pushing her rice around her bowl. “It’s frustrating when I can’t catch on fast enough. I feel bad bringing the stress from the drama into the group. I shouldn’t do that.”

“Stupid,” Taeyeon accuses the girl, affectionately, “we’re here for you, whatever other job you might have. It’s not a burden to us.”

“I just feel bad bringing my baggage into practice,” Yoona says with a  pout before taking another bite of her meal.

“Hey, whether it’s a job or your personal life, all your baggage is welcomed. You know by now we’re all here for you, no matter what, right? We’re more than just groupmates, we’re a family, Yoona. We’re more than just SNSD.”

The younger girl smiles affectionately at her leader’s warm words. “Thanks, Unnie.”

“I wish you'd stop trying to shoulder things on your own. I think it's causing you too much stress.”

Yoona gives the girl a tight smile with brows raised high in amusement. “Look who's talking,” she softly retorts.

“What?” Taeyeon doesn’t miss the accusation in the younger girl's tone.

“Taeyeon-unnie,” Yoona starts, evidently trying to stifle a chuckle bubbling in her voice, “it's hard being someone who wants to help, but won't have that same help accepted, isn't it?”

“Yoona—”

“You and I are more alike than most people think,” Yoona smiles sadly. “People always think it’s weird that I have so much in my head, all the time. You’re like that too.” She sips on a spoonful of soup before she continues. “Taeyeon-unnie,” she says slowly, “you know we’re all here for you too, right?”

Taeyeon feels the girl’s affectionate voice, creep under her skin, and it feels like Yoona’s invading some very private fears the kid leader shoulders. “Of course I know.”

“If something’s bothering you, Unnie, I hope you know that you can talk to me. I don’t like seeing you so sad.”

Taeyeon tries to put on a smile, but she thinks it comes off too plastic with the way Yoona is still looking at her, sullenly. “I’m okay.”

“I hate it when you’re sad.”

“I’m just tired from our schedule,” she lies.

The younger girl just gives her a knowing, half-hearted smile. “Taeyeon-unnie, I'll try to be better about sharing my burdens if you do the same. It's hard watching someone you care about shut themselves away from the world when you want so much to be a part of theirs.”

“I'm sorry,” Taeyeon says and it feels like all she does it just apologizes these days with the amount of mistakes she’s been making. “You know I'm bad at this.”

“You can try to be better.”

Taeyeon huffs a chuckle at the absurdity of Yoona’s wisdom. “How is my dongsaeng such a smart kid?”

The other girl chuckles before they both resume their meals, sharing a comfortable silence. After finishing her bowl of soup, Yoona stares at the older girl for a moment, noting the bags under her eyes and the bleary glaze, blanketing the usual brightness in her irises.

“Unnie,” Yoona says, catching Taeyeon’s attention.

The older girl looks up. “Mm?”

“I love you,” Yoona tells her with a soft smile.

Taeyeon gives her a gracious smile, but it turns sad and distant when she thinks, ‘at least one of us does’.

 

***

 

Tired from travelling and singing a five-song-set, on an outdoor stage—in the pouring rain—Jessica is not a good mood.

She is far, far from a good mood as she’s the first one off the set. She storms backstage, grabbing a towel, and finds a quiet corner for herself to dry off while she quietly seethes. As she wraps herself into the plush cotton, she sniffs her runny nose and rubs her arms from the chilly rain. She’s mentally tired enough from having to deal with Taeyeon, but Jessica’s also physically exhausted from the travelling, preforming, and all their scheduled Osaka events—jam packed into three days.

Not only is she soaked from head to toe, but Jessica also fumes over whoever put together her outfit. She shivers from the stupid, wet, cold, sleeveless, white shirt that she’s dress in, which is embarrassingly soaked and slightly sheer.

She almost laughs when she thinks about the idiom ‘when it rains it pours’, because, oh, what literal irony!

A towel hits Jessica in the face and she's not in the mood to play around. She's about to tear it off and give Hyoyeon a piece of her mind, but she’s surprised when she feels hands rubbing at her head, helping towel off her wet hair. When the plush cotton finally pulls away from her eyes, Jessica freezes at the sight of Taeyeon. Her features look soft and delicate, just like her hidden, fragile nature Jessica's become all too familiar with these days. Even though Taeyeon’s drenched from head to toe, Jessica thinks she looks so God damn beautiful close up.

“I'm sorry,” Taeyeon says genuinely while continuing to help soak the rain from Jessica's honey-brown hair. “I'm sorry about the other day,” Taeyeon repeats her apology.

Jessica’s eyes start to bud with tears and she hopes Taeyeon doesn't notice with all the rain beading all over her skin. “It's okay.” Jessica whispers softly, scared of any staff members or their groupmates hearing their intimate conversation. She feels a slight blush tint her cheeks when Taeyeon takes the edge of the towel and tenderly dabs her wet cheeks. “I'm sorry too,” Jessica tells the girl.

“You're just trying to help,” Taeyeon replies through a soft smile. She finishes drying off Jessica’s face, careful not to smear her makeup, and wraps the towel around Jessica's neck. “I'm sorry that I’m not very good at...this,” Taeyeon gestures to the space between them.

“I'm sorry if I was pushing you too hard. I-I thought I was helping.”

Taeyeon takes the towel from around her own neck and starts to dry off her own soaking hair. “I know you just care, but let me do things at my own pace, though. I just don’t feel ready.”

The other girl hangs her head, understanding why Taeyeon was so angry before. “You were right…I don’t know how you feel. I shouldn’t have tried to force you out of the closet like that. I didn’t mean to come off so condescending. I guess we’re just different.”

Taeyeon looks away a little dejected as her next sentence comes out sadly. “I'm not brave like you.”

“That’s not what I meant. You are, Taeng.”

The kid leader snorts a laugh. “No, I'm being a coward—you already know that.”

She tosses her now damp hair around, causing it to sloppily stick to her cheeks and clutter into a mess, but Jessica naturally smiles at how precious she appears, even when she looks mangled. Taeyeon wraps the towel back around her neck and turns her eyes to Jessica, giving the girl her full attention.

With a heavy sigh, Taeyeon tells the other girl, “I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this anymore.”

Jessica feels a crack in her chest. “Wha—”

“J-just let me finish,” Taeyeon interrupts, wanting to finish off her apology properly. “You know I’m not very good about talking about my feelings, so I don’t really know what I’m doing,” she mutters before sighing deeply. “Sica, I never meant to hurt you. I should never have treated you the way I did…and maybe I should have never kissed you—shouldn't have confessed to you.” She pauses and turns her shy gaze to the ground, picking at the floor with the toe of her sneaker. “I just...I just never thought in a hundred years that it would be possible that you'd like me too.” When Jessica doesn’t respond for a while, busy soaking in the abnormal amount of verbalized emotions Taeyeon has offered, the kid leader apologizes once more. “I'm so sorry for everything, Sica.”

“I'm not,” Jessica says bluntly, once her senses return to her. “Taeyeon,” she whispers softly, glancing around the vacant backstage to check for other ears, “I want to be with you.”

“Why?” Taeyeon almost laughs. “You never liked me before and…how can you possibly like me after the way I've treated you? I don't understand.”

Jessica shrugs. “Neither do I. But I do. Isn’t that enough?” 

Taeyeon smiles. “Of course it is. I just…I don’t want to drag you through my crap anymore. I don’t know when I’m going to feel ready to leave the safety of my…closet,” Taeyeon laughs at the stupid metaphor, “but it's my baggage and I'll deal with it in my own time. I don't expect you to put up with it, though. I get it if you want out. It's fine.”

“Taeyeon,” Jessica gently scoffs the girl’s name at the absurd offer. “If we were alone right now, I'd tell you that you're stupid, and then, I'd be kissing you,” Jessica whispers the last few words through one of those smiles that makes the kid leader's stomach spiral into somersaults. “I said I want to be with you.”

“God, you’re stubborn,” Taeyeon chuckles and turns her eyes to floor while she shyly picks at the ground with her toe again.

Jessica’s still hung up on something else that Taeyeon said earlier, though. “You said if I wanted ‘out’...does that mean that I'm in right now?”

“Huh?” Taeyeon looks back up at the girl and blinks in confusion. She’s known Sica since they were teenagers, yet the girl still says some befuddling things from time to time that kid leader just can’t grasp.

“You asked me if I wanted ‘out’?” Jessica tries to clarify again. “Does that mean we're, like, ‘in’?” Jessica uses air quotes to better explain herself, but it just draws a more confused, contorted expression out of the kid leader’s face (and Jessica makes a mental note of how adorable of a dork she is).

The bottoms of Taeyeon’s eyelids pull up a bit as she squints at Jessica’s question. “‘In’ what?”

For someone with the title of Ice Princess, Jessica’s cheeks heat up to an uncomfortable temperature. “Like…in a relationship?”

Now it’s Taeyeon’s turn to blush. “Are you…are you asking me to be your girlfriend?”

“Isn’t that what usually happens before all the kissing?”

Taeyeon laughs, cheeks reddening further. She smiles warmly at a label that she finally can agree with. Unfortunately, the kid leader’s smile quickly disappears again. “Do you seriously want to be with me, not knowing when I’m going to be ready to go public with our relationship?—not like public-public, but, you know what I mean, right?”

Jessica tightens the towel around her frame. “Does it really bother you that much?”

“Does what?”

“You know…” Jessica doesn’t want to use that word, “the whole liking girls thing.”

Taeyeon freezes and Jessica momentarily thinks she’s verbally faltered again. However, the kid leader eventually finds her voice when she decides to share a bitter memory.

“You know...one time, Fany was staying with my family for cheoseok holidays and she wanted to watch Gossip Girl. There was an episode where there were girls kissing. My uncle was in the living room with us and said that was disgusting—that there’s a special place in hell for people like that,” Taeyeon’s voice trails off into a quiet sadness.

Disgusted by her experience, Jessica tells her, “well, your uncle is a ing closed-minded idiot.”

“Sica—”

“Seriously, what he thinks, Taeyeon. This is your life and it’s just one opinion out of millions.” She steps in close and lets her hands run down Taeyeon’s arms. “Look, I know you’re not ready to tell people yet, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I can be patient.”

Taeyeon raises her brows.

“Okay, I can try to be patient,” Jessica corrects herself. “Be my girlfriend?” she asks, boldly.

The kid leader sighs sadly, absolutely torn in dilemma. “I don’t know…w-we can't—I mean—how can we? The other girls are going to find out, for sure—how do we even tell the other girls?” Taeyeon stumbles over her thoughts, voice wavering between butchered sentences.

She gets a lopsided shrug for a response. “We won't know unless we try.”

“I d-don't know,” Taeyeon winces, trying to pull away.

Jessica keeps her grip firm, though. “Just say yes and we’ll figure everything else out.” 

Taeyeon watches Jessica blur out of focus before she realizes she’s crying. “I'm s-scared,” she admits, voice so small.

“I am too….but you have me. I’m with you.”

Taeyeon takes her time, drowning in the darkness of Jessica’s eyes that anchor and suffocate her, all at once. Even if it feels like it’s hard to breathe, Taeyeon feels so damn alive and she can’t measure this kind of adrenaline rush against anything else. “Yes,” Taeyeon abruptly answers.

“‘Yes’, what?” Jessica asks, confusion creasing into her forehead.

Taeyeon laughs in disbelief. “You just told me to say yes, you idiot.”

Jessica laughs when the dots finally connect and mentally facepalms herself. “Yes?” she asks once more, for clarification.

“Yes,” Taeyeon confirms and almost leans into the girl’s lips, but pulls away at last second. Jessica, though, brings up their interlaced hands and kisses the back of the girl's palm.

“Wait, hold on.” Taeyeon suddenly pulls back.

“What’s wrong?”

Taeyeon frowns at her professional thoughts, suddenly overwhelming her. “What if things don’t work out and we’re still group members. Isn’t this a bad idea mixing personal and work relations?”

“Yeah, I think we crossed that threshold when you kissed me in that studio,” Jessica retorts, rolling her eyes.

Taeyeon gives a brief sheepish grin before she turns stern again. “I’m serious, though, Sica. We’re not the only people that would affected by us dating.”

“Well…” Jessica trails off when she doesn’t want to say it, but she’s pretty sure she and Taeyeon are riding the same train of thought.

The kid leader sighs. “Am I thinking what you’re thinking?”

Jessica responds with a sympathetic smile. “You know we can’t date without their blessings.”

Taeyeon puffs up her cheeks and draws out a lengthy exhale.

“Look,” Jessica starts off hesitantly, trying to remember to be considerate of the weight of Taeyeon’s fears that she just can’t fully identify with. “Taeng, I…I don’t want to put you into a position of an ultimatum. I respect that you don’t want to talk about this openly, until you’re ready, but we can’t date without their blessings. We shouldn’t, right? I know you said you don’t feel ready, but I honestly don’t think you’ll ever truly feel ready. It’s scary, I get that…but maybe it’s better just to rip the bandage off and get it over?”

Taeyeon sighs, absolutely torn between what feels like choosing between the lesser of two evils: be with Jessica, under a shroud of guilty lies, or be with Jessica, with—hopefully—their groupmates’ blessings. Taeyeon sighs at the thought of outing herself. “You know, I really hate how much I like you,” she growls at the other girl.

Jessica smiles shyly at the compliment. “So…what do you want to do?”

If Taeyeon could sigh any harder, Jessica’s sure that her small frame might just deflate from the lack of oxygen. “I want to be with you,” Taeyeon says, shrugging powerlessly, “you already know that.”

She gets a sympathetic smile in return. “Then we have to tell them, Taeng—you have to tell them,” Jessica says, watching Taeyeon wince. She palms her warm hand against the other girl’s cheek, trying to relax her evident, fluttering nerves. “You have to tell them. Please. If not for me,” Jessica hesitates for a moment, hoping that she’s not going to come off condescending again, “you owe it to yourself to stop lying to yourself.”

Taeyeon blows out a long exhale. “Y-you’re right,” she replies, numbly nodding.

“It's okay being biual, Taeng.”

Taeyeon laughs and shakes her head. “You and I both know that's a lie.” She looks at Jessica with a kind of serenity the ice princess hasn't seen before. “You know I'm gay, right?”

It's the first time she's ever said it out loud and Jessica gives the girl a sad smile. They've both always known that Taeyeon was just trying to comfort herself with labels that seemed less intense than gay or lesbian, but they've both been aware of the truth for a while.

Jessica reaches out to hold her girlfriend’s hand. “I know,” she whispers and quickly darts her eyes around, checking for a clear coast, before leaning in to press a quick peck to Taeyeon’s lips. “And that's okay too, you know? It's you. You shouldn't apologize for who you are.”

“That's easier said than done,” Taeyeon pouts.

“Give it time, Taengoo.”

 

***

 

“You don’t have to do this today, you know?” Jessica tells her girlfriend, trying to help rid the anxiety written all over Taeyeon, who’s been frozen for a few minutes now.

The kid leader keeps staring at the hotel door, knowing that all their members have gathered in Tiffany’s room for the night. She clenches her fist, feeling the clamminess of her palms.

“I-if I don’t do this today, I don’t think I ever will,” Taeyeon mutters under her breath.

“Okay,” Jessica nods and gently pats the girl’s back. “Ready?”

“No,” Taeyeon whispers, frowning.

Jessica gives her girlfriend a sympathetic smile before pressing a chaste kiss to her cheek. “We’ll be okay.”

“O-okay,” Taeyeon says numbly, bringing her trembling knuckles up to knock on the door.

After the door opens, and the two are greeted by slightly drunken jeers, Taeyeon and Jessica make their way inside, earning a couple of puzzling looks for the two of them showing up at the room, together.

Taeyeon coughs and clears , so that she can announce to her members, “I need to talk to you kids about something.”