It started with a bang.

Taeyeon’s always known that it was called ‘falling in love’ for good reason. There’s a reason why it’s not called something stupid like ‘floating into love’ because the feeling is awful, abrupt and hits with an impact too fierce for most hearts to handle. To say that it felt like the rug being pulled out from under your feet is an absolute understatement because Taeyeon thinks it felt more like the earth shattering beneath her.

One morning, many months ago, that’s the state Taeyeon had found herself in. She started off her day crying in the shower with frigid water pouring over her skin. She had awoken in the morning with her skin flushed and with an unacquainted heat burning all over her body, which practically sent her into a panic attack when she had recalled just exactly she had dreamt of. She had dreamt of Jessica—too much of Jessica—too much of the girl’s smile, her skin, her breath, her touch, and Taeyeon hated that it felt so repulsively wrong.

It was only minutes after Taeyeon awoke that she had found herself in the shower, desperately trying to ice off the burning sensation on her skin and she couldn’t tell if the scorch was from arousal or disgrace, but it hurt all the same. She scrubbed at her skin till it was pink and raw and even that didn’t feel like it was enough to wash out the vulgar flavor of her subconscious. She spun the dial on the shower and dropped the water to an even icier temperature, until the water felt like lashes against her . It just made her cry harder when it felt exponentially better than how she felt on the inside.

All it took was one stupid, teenage-desire fueled dream and Taeyeon couldn’t look at Jessica the same anymore. She wasn’t blind, the younger girl had always been attractive, but, as she matured, she had started to radiate such beauty that it felt like looking into the sun and her presence burned like it too. It was all too much—far too overwhelming—and Taeyeon had to push to keep her heart safe. How could she be expected to function normally, let alone under the spotlight of millions of scrutinizing eyes?

Disgusted with herself, more than anything, Taeyeon couldn't stand being around Jessica—not with her embarrassing dream still fresh in her memory. She rationed with herself that the memory of it would fade in due time, along with the strange new feelings associated with them.

Taeyeon hasn’t expected it all to get so much worse; didn't expect to find Jessica's quirks to grow more endearing than strange; didn't expect her body to involuntarily react to Jessica in infatuation; didn’t expect that she would slowly fall in love with girl from afar, over time.

Even now, as Taeyeon and Jessica sit patiently in the a studio waiting room, with their group members off visiting other celebrities, Taeyeon nervously watches the closed door as she lets Jessica sleep on her shoulder. She wants so badly just to wrap her arm around the girl’s shoulder and let herself drift of as well, but Taeyeon can’t.

The past few weeks have been a blur of bliss, fear and anxiety and Taeyeon can still barely believe how their relationship has progressed to what it is now.

She sighs and feels the load of her emotions weigh down her breath. Taeyeon turns to the girl on her shoulder and gently presses her lips against her forehead, stirring Jessica from her sleep. “Wake up, sleepyhead,” she gently whispers, alerting Jessica of the sound of their noisy group members, approaching from down the hall.

Taeyeon always hates exiting their sanctuary, but, with the burden of their secrecy, sometimes it’s as suffocating as a prison.

***

Even on Taeyeon’s good days—days filled with nothing with brightness and laughter—it’s never enough to prevent them from occurring. They only happen once, rarely twice or thrice, a month, but it’s already far too frequent for comfort.

Taeyeon panics and scrambles down a dinghy alleyway, when she's well aware she's being chased. She never sees who's pursuing her, but the panic is always, always, there. Taeyeon banks a sudden turn, clipping her shoulder against the sharp, brick corner.  She stumbles and hits the ground, wincing at the sting that spreads from her kneecap into the rest of her body, sprawled on the pebbled floor.

She rolls over and it met with the black silhouette, looming over her. She wants to move; wants to scream; wants to beg for her life, but, instead, she just holds her breath when the indistinguishable figure leans over her. A pistol gets pulled out from underneath its cloak and the figure moves to press the silver barrel firmly against her forehead. The metal that presses against her skin is ice cold, but manages to feel like it’s burning simultaneously.

Taeyeon knows this is a dream, but it doesn't stop the fear from consuming her when she squeezes her eyes shut, thinking, ‘I don't want to die. Wake up, wake up—I don't want to die.’

When she opens her eyes again, it takes a moment for her to focus her vision in the darkness of her room and register the shape of her blanket, lumped around her small frame.

“Jesus,” she sighs quietly to herself, allowing her senses to slowly return to reality. She glances across the room and finds a lump in the other bed, snoring softly. She’s glad she hasn’t woken Sunny up with her absurd sleep-talking habits.

When Taeyeon knows she’s in the safety of the dormitory, she closes her eyes again, only to be met with the images from her nightmare. She sits up and swings her legs off the side of her bed, thinking she needs to clear her head a bit before going back to bed. Glancing at the time, it’s—thankfully—only a bit past midnight and not too late into the night.

She leaves her room and as she heads to the kitchen, she finds some of the girls in the living room, immersed in a show or movie. She catches Jessica’s eyes momentarily and she just gives the girl a tight, polite smile before she disappears into the other room.

She doesn’t expect Jessica to leave the living room and follow her into the kitchen.

“Hey, you.”

Taeyeon nearly bangs her head onto the roof of the fridge when Jessica’s voice startles her. She retracts her head out of the fridge and, when she closes the door, she’s met with eyes that naturally bore into her soul. Jessica looks and smiles at Taeyeon with such affection that the kid leader feels her heart uncomfortably jump up into .

“Hey,” she replies back dully, hating that just one look from the girl is causing her heart to throb so hard that she can feel the swollen pulse in her neck.

Jessica keeps her voice down from her groupmates, who are around the corner. “Thought you had an early schedule and couldn’t stay up to watch a movie with us?”

“I do,” Taeyeon says, rubbing uncomfortably at her brow, “I just, um,” she closes her eyes and immediately gets a reminder of the nightmare she’s woken from. She quickly snaps her lids back open, desperate to escape that serial killer, plaguing her subconscious. She feels a little sick at distorted memories. “I just had a bad nightmare. I just wanted a drink before I went back to bed,” she says, shaking her water bottle.

Jessica crooks a flirty grin and it causes Taeyeon to gulp. “Do you want me to come tuck you in and chase the boogie man away?” Jessica steps closer in to Taeyeon and the kid leader feels the air getting too warm.

“Uh,” Taeyeon feels the throb in her neck accelerate and pound so hard that it’s starting to hurt. She cups her palm onto the side of her neck, wishing her body wouldn’t react to Jessica so embarrassingly like this. “It’s okay, I’m pretty tired.” She briefly meets Jessica’s eyes before she looks away. “You guys enjoy your show, okay?”

Jessica looks a little confused about Taeyeon’s attitude, but she just says, “okay, well, sweet dreams, Taengoo.” She leans in to press a quick peck to Taeyeon’s lips, but the kid leader snaps away.

“What’re you doing?!” she hisses quiet through grit teeth.

“I just,” Jessica shakes her head, stunned at the response she was getting, “I just wanted to give you a goodnight kiss.”

“Don’t,” Taeyeon tells her flatly. “The other girls are home, are you crazy?”

“Jesus, are you serious?” Jessica snaps back.

Taeyeon runs her free hand through her short locks. “I’m sorry—just—” Taeyeon just sighs tiredly. She can’t do this right now. “I should go back to bed. I have an early schedule.”

“Taeyeon—”

“We’ll talk later, okay?”

When Taeyeon goes back to bed, she has more trouble sleeping than before and, this time, it’s not because of some stupid figment of her imagination.

It’s the hurt in Jessica’s eyes that Taeyeon knows she can’t remedy.

***

Jessica’s obviously never thought about this before the past few months, but Jessica wonders if she should be scared of who she is too; wonders if ual orientation is as much of a burden as Taeyeon makes it out to be. She's certainly seen the hate on the news and Internet before, buts it's so different now that she can potentially be under that kind of scrutiny too. She knows that in this day and age, it will be impossible to come out in the Korean media as a biual, but it should shouldn’t be a secret to close friends and family...right?

She’s never thought herself biual before, but the more she thinks about it, Jessica realizes that she’s naturally just fallen in love with people instead of gender in her young life. She can’t imagine how hard it must be to feel the need to hide who you are from the world because Jessica finds it enlightening to understand herself better these days.

“Somedays, I can’t tell if you’re spacing out, or if you’ve—legit—lost all your brain cells.”

At the sound of her little sister’s voice, Jessica blinks out of her daze, finding Krystal plopping down next to her on the couch. Jessica smiles at the sight of the girl, but the gesture comes off thinner than she intends for. “Shut up, Krys,” Jessica nags back, playfully—well, as playfully as her weary tone can conjure.

Krystal snickers, but suddenly takes note of the serious scowl, clouding sister’s features. “Wow, what’s got you in such a mood?”

“I—s-sorry,” Jessica apologizes when she realizes she’s, unintentionally, taking out her frustrations on her little sister. She only gets a few days at home and she certainly shouldn’t waste precious time with her family by being a grouch. “Sorry, Soojung, I just have a lot going on right now.”

“What’s wrong? Work?”

“It’s just—you know what, don’t worry about it. I-it’s not important,” Jessica sighs and it’s thick and heavy and more than enough to send Krystal’s eyebrows up in concern.

“Well, tell me about it, stupid. I’m right here.” The younger girl crawls into Jessica’s space, curling her chin onto Jessica’s knees that are tucked up to her chest. “Unnie?” Krystal cautiously asks when Jessica stays silent for a length of time.

The older girl opens for a moment only to close it again. She gulps, her brows furrow and it takes her a long time to gather her courage. She studies her sister’s young, innocent eyes before she finds the safety she’s probing for. “Y-you…you can’t tell anyone, okay?” Jessica’s voice comes out quieter and hoarser than she expects.

Krystal’s brows really knit tight, now, and she wraps her arms around her sister’s propped knees, pulling herself into a more intimate proximity at the sound of the private subject matter. “Your secrets are safe with me. You know that.” Jessica breaks eye contact, finding a spot on her lap instead, and Krystal her head to the side, curiously, when she hates seeing her older sister so upset. “Unnie, are you okay?”

“W-would you,” Jessica trails off for a moment when the words get lodged in . She swallows hard and tries once more. “Would you hate me if I told you…if I told you I think I’m biual?”

Krystal tries to blink the surprise out of her eyes, but fails. “I, uhhhh,” she struggles for a response.

“,” Jessica sighs, suddenly at a lost for what to say with the awkward silence, beginning to hang in the air. “It’s weird isn’t it? I never really thought I was, but then, things just started changing and—I don’t know—it just happened.” Krystal blinks, jaw still hanging agape. “D-do you hate me?” Jessica stutters, hating her rapidly, pulsating heartbeat.

A smile finally replaces the shock on Krystal’s face at the absurdity of the question. “W-what? No—I mean, I’m surprised, but of course, I don’t hate you, stupid. Why would I? You’re my sister.”

“B-because I’m—” Jessica doesn’t finish her sentence and just looks away with a newfound shame burning at her. She hates the embarrassing feeling of tears beginning to creep in from the corner of her eyes.

“Hey,” the younger Jung squeezes her sister’s knees, “I might not understand it,” Krystal says softly, “but I love you all the same. I’d love you even if you were contemplating on undergoing a change and wanted to be my Oppa,” she giggles, trying to bring a smile out of her sister.

Of course, it works. Jessica huffs out a small laugh and wipes off the few tears that managed to sneak out.

“So, uh,” Krystal hesitates on how to make this whole scenario less awkward and decides to treat it just the same as if Jessica were talking about boys. “How did you find out? Have you always known or…a-are you…dating someone?”

“Uhhh,” Jessica frowns when she doesn’t quite have an answer. “S-sort of.” She blushes. “We never really talked about it, formally, I guess.”

 Krystal snaps up, shaking the other girl’s knees at the shock of a thought. “Is it one of your members?!”

Jessica tries not to panic. “Soojung,” she sighs, “this is a sensitive topic. I’m not going to say—”

“Is it Tiffany-unnie?! Yuri-unnie—”

“Jesus Christ, Soojung, I said I’m not going to tell you—”

“Is it not one of your members? Is it Hara—”

“SOOJUNG. Shut up! I’m trying to bear my soul for you here, geez!”

Krystal pouts and sags back. “Sorry.”

“I just,” Jessica sighs, trying to keep her frustrations at bay. “I’ll tell you who she is when we’re ready, but right now, it just…” Jessica sighs again, feeling like only part of the weight has been lifted from her shoulders.

“Unnie, are you sure you’re not just…experimenting?” Krystal says with a bit of repulsion, crinkling up her nose at the idea of her sister fooling around.

The older Jung laughs at the young girl’s grimace and playfully shoves at Krystal, with her feet. “No! It’s not like that, ert! It’s…it’s not an experiment for me.”

“Are you sure it isn’t for her?”

“She said she’s liked me for a while.”

“Okay,” Krystal says with a shrug.

“What’s that about?” Jessica asks, noting her younger sibling’s gesture.

“Nothing, I just…look, it’s cool if you’re biual or gay, Unnie—I’d still love you no matter what—I’m just saying you guys are young. Maybe you guys haven’t quite figured yourselves yet. Maybe it’s just a phase?”

“I don’t think it’s a phase,” Jessica sighs distantly.

“Then I still love you all the same,” Krystal says simply. “What’s important is if you’re happy and if…she’s happy.” When Jessica continues wearing the blank, vacant expression she’s so good at holding, Krystal asks, “a-are you guys happy?”

“Sometimes,” Jessica replies honestly. She pouts at the sadness surfacing in her chest. “I don’t like that I have to keep her a secret from my family and members,” Jessica says, with tears building in her eyes. “I just—ugh,” she groans, burying her face into her hands. “It’s just so frustrating.”

“Hey, come here,” Krystal tells her older sister, rearranging their limbs so she can haul Jessica in for a big hug. “Just…just try to encourage her to be brave. I mean it wasn’t easy for you to tell me, was it?”

She sighs. “N-no, but I feel so much better already. I think she would too.”

“Just talk to her. I’m sure you can help her build up the courage.”

“Thank you,” Jessica whispers. She hugs Krystal tightly, grateful that her younger sister has such a big, open heart. “You’re the best, you know?”

“Of course I know,” Krystal laughs, feeling Jessica chuckle through a stuffy nose, against her neck. She the girl’s back and gives her a few pats. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah, thanks for listening,” she sighs, contently, keeping her head in the crook of Krystal’s neck.

They sit in a moment of comfortable silence before Krystal hesitantly says, “sooooo,” she pauses and Jessica can practically hear the grin form on the young girl’s lips. “Who is she?” Krystal tries to pry, but is met with Jessica’s scoff and playful slap.

***

For having months of experience when it comes to attempting to isolate Taeyeon for a private conversation, Jessica thinks God might be on her side for once when all their members’ schedule line up so perfectly. It’s only after a few hours that Jessica arrives back at the dorm, from her days off at home, to find Taeyeon coming home from work. Luckily, none of the other girls are home and Jessica doesn’t waste the chance to really talk to the girl about their situation.

“Are we going to talk about what happened the other night?”

“Geez!” Taeyeon recoils in her step, surprised by the rather aggressive greeting that she, most definitely, was not expecting to come home to. What’s worse is the sight of Jessica standing, leaning against the back of the couch with her arms crossed over her chest. The kid leader starts to scan the apartment.

“They’re not home, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Jessica tells Taeyeon, flatly.

Taeyeon sighs and lets her bag drop to the floor. She approaches the girl, carefully, and thinks about hugging her, thinks about kissing her—thinks about doing anything to be closer to her—but Jessica’s visible temper keeps Taeyeon at arm’s length. “Look, I said I was sorry, but you can’t do that when they’re around.”

“Do what?” Jessica asks, narrowing her eyes and Taeyeon thinks the girl might actually be looking for a fight.

She tries to sharpen her glare in return. “You know what I’m talking about. You can’t kiss me while they’re around.”

“Are you freaking kidding me?!” Jessica explodes and Taeyeon’s a little taken aback by the girl’s burst of anger. “We’ve been doing this for almost two months now!”

“Look, this isn't easy for me!”

“You think it's easy for me? You think it’s easy for me to hide my feelings for you in front of everyone?”

“Do you know what it's like to hate yourself?” Taeyeon suddenly asks.

Jessica tries to blink away the shock on her face when she's dumbfounded by the question. “What?”

“Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror every day and want to break it? To want to pick up the pieces and cut into skin I hate? To want to just let myself bleed out and die so that I don't have to feel like this anymore?!”

“Taeyeon!—”

“I'm not going to do it,” she quickly clarifies. “I'd be stupid and selfish to dump something like that on my family, friends, members and fans, but I'd be lying if I said I don't think about—that I don't dream about dying. I hate myself and I hate the way you make me feel,” she tells her bluntly.

“S-so,” Jessica blinks too many times, unsure if she’s more frightened at the confession or angry by it. “So, this is my fault?”

“No!” Taeyeon snaps, absolutely frustrated that Jessica can’t understand. “You don’t get it. You don’t understand what it’s like to hate yourself. You don’t know what it’s like to feel like absolute about yourself every day to the point you can’t stop having nightmares about someone trying to kill you. You don’t know how it feels when you think you deserve to die.” Taeyeon’s panting and Jessica is looking at her with such sadness in her eyes. “You just don’t get it!”

It’s nothing but the sounds of their heavy breathing filling the thick silence in the air and Jessica wishes the sounds were caused by hours of kissing and not this. They let Taeyeon’s anger and frustrations hang in the air till Jessica finally speaks up, but, this time, her voice is soft and delicate.

“You…you can’t keep hiding in the closet like this, Taeyeon,” she starts slowly. “This secret’s going to eat you alive.”

“I can’t tell anyone,” Taeyeon whispers, matching the girl’s volume.

“At least trust the girls, we’re SoShi, no matter what—”

“I can’t tell them!” Taeyeon snaps angrily. “Half the girls are Christian—they'll think I'm an abomination.”

“They're not going to think that. You're still our Kim Taeyeon.”

“No, I'll be Kim Taeyeon, SNSD's flaming homoual!”

Taeyeon has duties. She has a job to do before she’s allowed to be human and she is damn dedicated to her career. It’s not just keeping up the appearance of Kim Taeyeon, but ultimately, Girls’ Generation, which affects eight other members and hundreds of employees—oh god—and the company! How could she possibly ever think of tarnishing all that? How can Jessica think that—

Taeyeon’s train of thoughts find her voice. “How are you okay with any of this?” she asks quietly.

Jessica blinks, unsure of Taeyeon’s abrupt change in volume. “W-what do you mean?”

“Doesn't it bother you? Being...you know…?”

“Biual?” Jessica quickly offers. The first word is already suffocating enough, but Jessica follows up with the one Taeyeon hates. “Gay?” Jessica says both words with ease and Taeyeon flinches at how easily the words roll off her tongue.

“Y-yeah. That.”

“Actually,” Jessica starts hesitantly, “I-I wanted to tell you something.” She gulps hard, not sure how to predict Taeyeon’s reaction to the confession. “I told Soojung about me, being biual—”

“You did what?!”

“No! Not about you! I just—I told her I’m biual. It just felt so…suffocating and it just felt really good to get off my chest.”

The panic in Taeyeon’s face barely gets dialed down a notch before she asks, “a-and? W-what did she say?”

“She took it well.” Jessica smiles and nods her head. “She was really supportive and loving. Taeyeon, I really think you should at least tell the other girls. You’ll feel better.”

Taeyeon laughs and it’s hollow. “I can’t. You know that.”

“You can, trust me!” Jessica reaches out and Taeyeon flinches when the warmth of the girl’s fingers slide through hers. Jessica leans in close and all Taeyeon wants to do is kiss those lips—that is, until Jessica says, “I know what you're going through.”

A spike of white, hot anger stabs Taeyeon through the chest. She adverts her eyes from Jessica’s face, not able to cope with her conflicting feelings on wanting to pull and push her away, all at once. “No you don't. You don't have the faintest idea,” Taeyeon mumbles.

“Of course, I get it,” Jessica sighs tiredly, “you know I’m biual by this point, don’t you?”

Taeyeon grits her teeth because that’s not the point. It’s so not the point.

“Taeyeon, you need just own it and don’t let it own you. It's part of who you are and you need to accept it. You’re making it too big of a deal.”

It infuriates her that Jessica has so easily accepted being different. Taeyeon's known since she was fourteen-years-old, but couldn’t even admit to herself till she was seventeen. It took her till she was twenty-two before the building pressure of her secret finally burst the seams of her walls and Taeyeon had accidentally kissed Jessica while she was strung off emotions.

It has taken years for Taeyeon come to terms with her identity. It's only taken Jessica a breezy few months to do the same and Taeyeon hates that it fills her with jealousy.

Taeyeon snatches her hand out of Jessica’s, hating the lingering burn that remains on her skin. “I'm not normal.” She gestures to the space between their bodies. “This isn't normal, Sica.”

“This is normal; it’s part of who you are. You need to talk about this with someone. You can’t keep it bottled up like this.”

“I can’t—”

“You’re being a coward.” At the shock that hits Taeyeon’s features, Jessica tries to ease the tension. “Look, I can help, okay? I can tell the girls for you, if you want. We can—”

“What don’t you understand about ‘I can’t’?!” Taeyeon explodes and Jessica winces at the decibel her voice hits. “I don’t want to tell them and I sure as hell don’t want you gossiping about me!”

Taeyeon feels rage scorch from the pit of her stomach and char her from the inside out. She doesn't know if she's angry or jealous, but it all hurts the same, so she furiously turns around to storm off, startling Jessica with the sudden action.

taste like bile and she thinks it might be the flavor of resentment, burning her taste buds. Jessica calls after Taeyeon, trying to follow her, but she gets cut off when Taeyeon slams her bedroom door closed and locks it. It's only a beat before Taeyeon hears the knock followed by a frustrated voice, muffled by the two inches of wood separating them.

“Taeyeon! What's wrong? Taeyeon, come on. Please, let's just talk. Don't do this.”

Don't fall into the abyss.

Don't let go of my hand.

Don't let yourself drown.

Taeyeon collapses into her bed and sighs into her pillow, unhappily. “It is a big deal,” she mutters miserably, letting sadness and frustrations fill her lungs till it feels like she can't breathe.