“Taeyeonnie? Can we talk?” Tiffany asks one morning over breakfast and Taeyeon doesn’t like that Tiffany’s eyes look at her with way too much love, affection and she thinks she can see some sort of sympathy that borders on pity in there.

“About what?” she sighs wearily. Talking isn’t exactly one of her strong points and she’s been asked this question one too many times in the past few weeks.

“Just come talk to me,” Tiffany sighs tiredly, motioning Taeyeon to join her in her room.

The kid leader looks around their dorm nervously before she stands from the kitchen table, catching no sight of the other girls, before joining her friend. She watches Tiffany close the door behind them before the younger girl walks over to her bed and pats on pink sheets, silently telling Taeyeon to join her.

“Fany, is something wrong?” Taeyeon asks, hesitantly joining her on the mattress.

“Well, actually, I was going to ask you that.”

Taeyeon blinks and swallows her panic. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, you just seem really stressed out lately. Is it just work or is something else going on?”

“Just stressed. Schedule’s just been crazy with our comeback and MCing and—you know how it is. It’s busy, but I like it,” Taeyeon tells her genuinely.

But then Tiffany keeps pushing and Taeyeon doesn’t like it. “Seriously though, is…anything else going on? You can talk to me.”

Taeyeon shrugs. “No? Fany, what’s up with you? You’re the one who’s acting weird.”

“Sorry, it’s just that Sica said I should talk to you.”

“Sica did what?” Taeyeon hates the involuntary panic in her voice and Tiffany easily catches it.

Tiffany squints—and it’s not her usual pretty crescents—as she tries to gauge her friend. “What—” the American pauses, extremely confused as she tries to decipher this whole scenario, but can’t. “Seriously, Taeyeon, what’s going on between you and Sica?”

“Nothing!”

“You’re acting different lately, everyone can tell; especially towards Jessica—”

“Look!” Taeyeon stands angrily from the bed and starts pacing around the room. “She’s a coworker and a friend, but Sica and I just don’t get along like you and I do. Just because we don’t…don’t,” she twirls her hands in the air, trying to gain some traction on her fib, “just because we don’t click,” she says snapping her fingers, “doesn’t mean I hate her or that I’m obligated to pretend to be best friends with her. Sica and I can just…coexist; I don’t’ see what’s wrong with that.”

Tiffany frowns and Taeyeon hates the sadness in her friend’s expression. “You guys weren’t like this when we were trainees—or even after our debut.”

Taeyeon shrugs. “Guess we just grew apart. Time does that you know.” Tiffany just sighs tiredly when the answer sure isn’t what she wants to hear. Had there been an actual tangible reason, at least they could work out a solution, but Taeyeon’s answer is so elusive. “Fany, there’s nothing to fix because nothing’s broken,” the lies are tiresome, but they roll easily off her tongue. “Anyways, is that everything? Are we done? I have to go get ready for my schedule.”

“Yeah, that was everything,” Tiffany says with an abnormally quiet voice, hating the notion that Taeyeon’s shriveling into a shell of the person she once was.

When Taeyeon leaves the pink room, she’s fuming with panic and immediately goes looking for Jessica only to find that the girl is already out of the dorm on her magazine shoot.

What did you tell Fany?

***

After the lapse of her busy day, Taeyeon is relieved when she gets home in the evening to find out that the girl, who’s been burning in the back of her mind all day, is home too. She doesn’t think twice before barging in without knocking.

“Hey, we need to talk,” Taeyeon says angrily, closing the door behind her as she walks into Jessica’s room. Somewhere in an afterthought, she finds it ironic how many times this sentence has been used on her in the past month.

Jessica looks up from her magazine in surprise to find her leader standing over her bed. She snaps upright and immediately stands from her bed, slightly alarmed by Taeyeon’s sudden presence. She looks around her room and at the door for their other members before she turns her attention back to Taeyeon. She’s still having trouble grasping Taeyeon’s inclination to talk to her, but then she sees the edge of anger in the girl’s face when her nostrils flare from breathing.

“I-is something wrong?”

“Did you tell her?” Taeyeon hisses through a quiet whisper.

“Tell who wha—?”

“Fany,” Taeyeon steps forward and her hands grab onto Jessica’s arms, hanging limply at her sides. “D-did you tell Fany what happened? You said you wouldn't. You said you wouldn’t tell the other girls. You promised me you wouldn't—”

“Taeyeon,” Jessica winces when the girl’s panicked grip tightens on her arms. “I-I didn't say anything about what happened! I just—”

“S-she kept asking me what was going on between us, Sica. W-what did you say to her?” Jessica watches as the girl’s delicate mask starts cracking again.

“I told her I was worried about you because you seem so depressed and—since you apparently won't talk to me—I thought you'd at least talk to Fany.” She sees the wounded expression on the girl’s face as guilt washes over. “But,” Jessica smacks her lips dryly, “I guess you're still not talking to anyone, are you?”

“S-sorry,” Taeyeon whispers quietly, letting go of her hold on Jessica. She gulps when she sees the indentation of her grasp on the fabric of the girl’s sweater. “I didn’t mean to—I’m sorry. I know you’re worried—I just d-didn’t mean to…I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Jessica says, watching Taeyeon’s chest heave as she recovers from her panic. “Are you okay, Taengoo?”

Taeyeon’s blinking too fast when she gives the other girl a few nods and Jessica hates watching her slip farther away. The shorter girl fidgets with her hands nervously as she talks, “I know you’re worried, but you don’t have to be. I’m okay, really.”

“Taeyeon, I’m not that smart, but I’m sure as hell not that stupid. Why wouldn’t I be worried about you after…you know?” Jessica watches the way Taeyeon looks away in embarrassment when she makes a mention of her tearful meltdown from a few nights ago.

“I’ll get over it; it’s fine.”

You don’t have to pretend to be strong around me.

“Okay, you know what?” Jessica sighs with exasperation, running her hand through her long honey-brown locks. “Come with me,” she says, grabbing onto Taeyeon’s hand.

“W-what?” Taeyeon stutters when Jessica’s slim fingers close around her wrist.

“Come on. Stop being such an idiot and just trust me,” Jessica tells her as she starts making way to the door.

“Sica, wait, what’re you doing?” Taeyeon asks in panic, resisting the other girl’s pull.

The brunette spins around and bores her eyes into Taeyeon. “Please? Just trust me.”

“O-okay….” Taeyeon replies reluctantly and lets Jessica lead them out of the dorm.

***

“Sica, where are we going? We could get in a lot of trouble if we don’t get back before curfew. We should just go back to the dorm,” Taeyeon nervously keeps talking in run-on sentences, being dragged in tow through the underground parkade.

“Please, like a little rebellion has ever stopped you,” Jessica snorts before she hits her remote, unlocking her white beamer. “Besides, it’s like 8:30 right now, you old lady—AND, if I remember correctly, you were one of the girls that almost didn’t debut because you broke curfew the night before our stage.”

“And I’ve learned my lesson!” Taeyeon hisses through a whisper as if the parkade walls were made of SM employees dedicated to spying on their antics. Jessica finally lets go of her hand and Taeyeon’s skin suddenly feels too cold.

Jessica kindly opens up the passenger door and smiles charmingly. “Let’s go, Taengoo.”

“Where are we going?” Taeyeon asks with skepticism, but it’s not stopping her body from descending into the car.

“Call it a surprise,” Jessica tells her blatantly before gently shutting the door.

She walks around and climbs into the driver seat. “Here, plug in your phone. Turn on whatever playlist you want.”

“Why?”

Jessica starts up her car. “Do you want to sit in silence for the next two hours?”

“TWO HOURS? Sica, where are we going?! We don’t time for this—” Jessica locks the doors and sets the car into reverse, driving away with the kid leader chirping in protest beside her. Taeyeon complains for around ten minutes before she finally gives up and sags into her seat, defeated.

It’s maybe another ten minutes before Jessica smiles when she hears Taeyeon singing softly to her ballads while she stares at the urban landscape starting to bleed into rural shapes.

***

“Taeyeon?”

There’s a hand gently shaking her shoulder and the kid leader wakes up with her head tucked into the side of the car seat. When she cracks open her eyes, everything’s bathed in darkness. She sits upright and in a sharp breath, not remembering when she dozed off. “Where are we?” her voice cracks from grogginess as she rubs at her eyes, still trying to see out of the dark windows.

“Come on,” Jessica tells her, stepping out of the car and Taeyeon follows suit.

When she opens the door, the cold air hits her and Taeyeon shivers before she steps out, slamming the beamer door shut behind her. She shrugs up her shoulders, curling herself into warmth while her eyes adjust to the dark. She sees the moon brightly lit in the sky with its beams bouncing off the water’s surface and she distinctly hears waves crashing. She takes a couple steps towards the water and eventually feels her step dip into the ground when she hits sand.

Jessica’s driven them to the beach.

“Why did you take me here?” Taeyeon asks, letting the cold breeze sweep her short black, blonde-tipped hair around the frame of her face.

“Fany told me you like to go for long drives by yourself to the ocean.” Jessica grimaces when another chilly breeze blows by and she tightens a hold of her jacket. At least there’s no one else on the beach in the dead of winter in the middle of the night, so at least they don’t have to worry about fans and paparazzi. “I don’t know how on earth this would cheer you up, but let me know when you want to go,” Jessica grumbles, walking through the sand and taking a seat on one of the horizontal logs.

It takes a couple of beats before Jessica hears the other girl’s footsteps follow her through the sand and Taeyeon takes a seat on the log too, but on the opposite end. She doesn’t dare look directly at Taeyeon, not with the way she seems to be breaking her with every microscopic interaction, but Jessica can spot the girl from her peripherals. Even though it’s night, her eyes are adjusted to the dark with the soft glow of the moonlight and she hopes she’s seeing right when she catches a thin smile on Taeyeon’s face.

“Thanks.” Taeyeon doesn’t say anything else, she just sits there and lets herself get drawn into the landscape while Jessica waits patiently beside her.

After ten minutes pass in dead silence, maybe patiently isn’t the right word for Jessica as she starts to fidget in her seat when her limbs start going numb. Her ’s freezing on this stupid log too.

Sure, watching ocean waves in moonlight crash against the shoreline can probably be the most soothing experience nature can offer, but Jessica thinks that’s only possible in places like Hawaii, Cuba, Thailand—or any place that isn’t Seoul in frigid November temperatures. Her teeth chatter and she sniffs when she feels like her nose is running. ‘This isn’t worth it’, she thinks, ‘what’s the point of hauling both of us out here to sit in awkward silence while we freeze to death?’ Jessica’s not sure if she’s going to die from the cold or from the awkwardness first, but she hopes either won’t be drawn out for too long. Maybe she can just take a nap while Taeyeon enjoys this ty weather.

But Taeyeon being Taeyeon, is full of surprises and she’s the one to break the silence when she finally whispers one simple sentence that confirms all of Jessica’s suspicions.

“I kissed you because I think I like you.”

Jessica whips her head towards Taeyeon when the girl’s small voice seems to somehow fill the entire coastline from the weight it carries, but Taeyeon keeps her gaze fixated on the ocean. Even though this is exactly what Jessica’s hypothesis on the entire situation was, the confirmation of it still doesn’t stop the shock that hits her. She feels dumb when the only response she can give Taeyeon is, “oh.”

She watches Taeyeon’s gaze fall from the ocean to her own lap and her hands nervously toy with the tail of her oversized shirt, peeking out from her coat. “I know you’re straight, so I don’t expect anything. I j-just—God—sorry, I’m just so confused,” she sighs miserably, sinking her face into her palms again.

Please don’t be crying; please don’t cry anymore.

Jessica takes a gamble and scoots a bit closer to the older girl. Taeyeon’s never been one for skinship while Jessica’s the completely opposite, so she gathers her nerves before bringing her hand up to gingerly touch Taeyeon’s shoulder. “You don’t need to be sorry, Taengoo,” she uses the handle in hopes of soothing the jagged situation.

“Please don’t hate me,” Taeyeon sighs helplessly.

“What?” Jessica thinks she hears wrong. “What’d you say?”

Taeyeon pulls her face from her palms and Jessica thinks she sees the glassy sheen over her eyes in the dark. “Please don’t hate me, Sica.”

Jessica shakes her head. “I don’t; I could never.”

Taeyeon just nods, but the gesture feels so numb when she’s drowning in an onslaught of guilt and confusion. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Jessica sniffs her running nose and lets herself scoot even closer. Her instincts take over when her arms suddenly come up to wrap around her broken group member; her friend; her family; her someone so close that Taeyeon could practically be another vital organ in Jessica’s body along with their other Soshi members. “I’m sorry you’ve been crying because of me.” Jessica doesn’t know what to say, but her heart sinks again when she feels Taeyeon start to tremble in her embrace and the girl’s shoulders are shaking.

Taeyeon’s not one to frequently cry—especially not in front of other people—so it stings her pride when she’s doing it again: crying in front of Jessica like some stupid baby that needs to be taken care of. “You’re not the problem, Sica,” she sniffs quietly, “I am.”