Chapter 2

My Sanctuary | My Prison

If Taeyeon was avoiding Jessica before, then she is suddenly doing a much more impressive job as of late. Jessica swears she's only caught a glimpse of the girl once or twice in the past week, even though they live under the same roof.

It's absurd.

Even on their way home from the show the night Taeyeon had kissed her, the older girl had somehow managed to get a ride home in a separate vehicle and Jessica wonders what kind of lies Taeyeon told to get those strings pulled.

Jessica doesn’t even remember Taeyeon having so many jobs, but the girl is constantly between music shows, radio shows and variety appearances and, when she and Jessica are miraculously home at the same time, Jessica can’t seem to catch the girl alone ever. Still, she tries one day when she wakes up one morning—last of the girls, again—and she’s penalized to wash the dishes. While she soaps and rinses bowls, the other girls are busy chattering away at the table and Jessica watches Taeyeon bring another stack of dishes from the table to her.

“Thanks,” Taeyeon says politely, keeping her eyes fixed to the countertop instead of Jessica.

The younger girl immediately sighs when they’re back to square one and, apparently, their confrontation hasn’t done anything besides make things more glaringly awkward between them. “Taeng, can we talk privately?” she keeps her voice down and hopes the running faucet and clanging dishes muffle their conversation from their fellow members.

Taeyeon, being the queen of evasion, dodges like a cat though. “Sorry, I got to go. I’m getting picked up in like five minutes.”

Jessica’s about to ask, ‘well, when can we talk?’ but Taeyeon’s already booked it out the kitchen, waving bye to the other girl’s before she disappears down the hallway and out the door.

Jessica really wants to go back to bed and scream into her pillow.

 

***

 

“What’s with you?”

“What?” Jessica asks, turning her vacant gaze from the window to look at Hyoyeon seated next to her in the van, staring back with tightly knitted brows.

“You’re like…extra spaced out lately. Are you okay?” Hyoyeon asks. “Did Taeyeon do something again?”

“What?” Jessica tries to keep her face from giving away how much the girl was really on her mind.

“I know you two have never been super close, but you guys would be idiots if you think the rest of us haven’t noticed some weird rift between you guys.”

Jessica doesn’t know why she panics to look around, half expecting the rest of their members to pop out of the back of the van like some sort of intervention. She keeps her voice low from her manager in the driver’s seat. “It’s still the same old. I don’t really know how things started getting weird between us.” Jessica thinks about telling Hyoyeon about how things feel even stranger since Taeyeon’s kissed her out of the blue, but that memory dies on Jessica’s tongue when she thinks of the other girl’s tears before she bolted out of the room.

“You guys should really talk.”

“Trust me,” Jessica turns her gaze back out the window to watch the city lights flicker by, “I’m trying.”

 

***

 

“Are we going to talk?”

Taeyeon jolts in her spot when she looks up in her dressing room mirror and sees Jessica approach. She gulps nervously when she watches the other girl close the door on her way in. Taeyeon chastises herself with being careless, knowing that she should be surrounding herself with another group member or stylist or anyone else to avoid being stuck in a room, alone with Jessica Jung…again.

Taeyeon refuses Jessica’s eyes in the mirror and keeps her gaze fixated on her own reflection as she keeps straightening and smoothing her jacket tails even though they’ve just been freshly ironed. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

Jessica feels her forehead involuntarily crease with annoyance with the girl’s secrets. She’s done trying to tiptoe around Taeyeon. “You’re seriously going to pretend that you didn’t kiss me,” she says and deliberately doesn’t heed the volume of her voice.

For a girl that so talented in putting on a strong leader’s face, there so much hurt in Taeyeon’s expression when she turns around with eyes frantically darting around the room before she looks at Jessica. “Please, please don’t tell anyone.”

Whatever ice-cold aura Jessica had shrouded herself in vaporizes when it hurts her to see the depth of panic and fear in her leader’s eyes. “Taeyeon—”

“I am begging you, please don’t,” the shorter girl whispers and there’s a tremble developing in her voice that doesn’t go unnoticed by either girls.

Jessica sighs, hating how easy it is for Taeyeon to draw sympathy out of her with her huge, wounded eyes. “I won’t,” Jessica tells her through an exasperated exhale.

“Please, can we just forget it happened? I'm sorry. It was a mistake and I shouldn't have, but let's just forget about it and move on, okay?”

Jessica sees the smile Taeyeon offers her is too forced, too tight, and too professional. “Okay, fine. Whatever you want,” she replies, letting her gaze fall from Taeyeon. She can’t stand the darkness swimming in them.

“You…you won't tell the other girls, will you?”

Jessica thinks she should, after all, Taeyeon's been nothing but a complete to her for the past few months, but the panic in her face speaks volumes and Jessica isn't the cold-hearted ice princess people label her to be. “I won't,” she sighs, “I promise.”

“Thank you. Now, come on,” Taeyeon pats Jessica on the shoulder, drawing the younger girl’s eyes back from the floor. “Let’s have a good show.” Taeyeon does it again, plastering on a bright, professional, fake smile and Jessica feels sorry for her.

 

***

 

When Jessica gets home late—or early, depending on how you look at it—she blinks in surprise as she comes down the hallway to see the kitchen light on. What's more surprising is that it's Taeyeon seated at the table with her back to her. Part of her thinks that she should just walk away and go to her room, but her feet keep carrying her towards her leader and mouth opens before she can think it through.

“Taeyeon?”

She sees the girl's body jolt in surprise and Taeyeon glances over her shoulder while pulling earbuds out. “Oh geez, you scared me,” she huffs and clutches her racing heart.

“What're you doing up?”

Taeyeon swallows, trying to wet her desert of a throat. “Can't sleep.” It takes her a moment to take in the sight of Jessica who’s all dolled up. “Did you just get in?”

“Yeah. Went out with Hara and Nicole for dinner and drinks.”

“Don’t you have a schedule in the morning? You should really go to bed,” Taeyeon tells her with her Girls’-Generation-Leader-voice and Jessica doesn’t like that it feels like another excuse for the girl to push her away.

“Nah, I don't have anything till the afternoon,” Jessica replies and she chooses to wade into the kitchen, into Taeyeon’s territory.

While she grabs a bottle of water from the fridge, she sees Taeyeon shift uncomfortably in her chair from the corner of her eye. Jessica doesn’t know why she’s doing this—why she feels the need to unravel Taeyeon—but she does, so she takes a seat across from Taeyeon without hesitation. She watches the way Taeyeon’s eyes briefly gauge her before turning back to her paper to colour.

Silence sits between them for a bit and Jessica feels tension weigh in the air when it feels like they're running out of small talk to barricade themselves in. “What're you working on?”

“Just doodling.” Taeyeon shrugs. “Helps me clear my mind sometimes.”

“You have a lot on your mind?”

Taeyeon laughs under her breath and mutters, “you have no idea,” so quietly that Jessica can’t make out the words.

“Did you say something?”

“No.”

“Taeyeon,” Jessica starts hesitantly, “I know things have been weird between us, but I hope think of me as more than just a coworker.” She sees Taeyeon tense. “Are we still…friends?

Surprisingly, it’s the question the draws Taeyeon’s eyes away from being nervously fixated by her doodling. “What? Of course we’re friends.”

“Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.”

“I’m sorry…I’m working on it, okay?” Taeyeon gives her a small smile and Jessica likes that she can tell it’s genuine.

The older girl goes back to coloring in the body of a purple flower. It’s not the first time Jessica has seen Taeyeon draw; she’s definitely used to seeing the girl doodle flowers, trees—pretty colorful, organic things in general. However, there’s something strange about her drawing this time around though. Jessica thinks that the petals look too angular, too sharp and the vines that spiral out from the collection of blossoms are also chaotic and covered in thorns. She wonders if she’s reading too much into it, but then she hears it: out of Taeyeon’s small earbuds, slung around her neck, Jessica distinctly hears a sad piano ballad and is reminded of how Sunny always complained that Taeyeon fueled her agony with depressing music.

“Can I ask you something?” Jessica asks slowly, carefully, methodically, and paces the words with long breaths when she’s wary of hurting the girl again.

“Of course,” Taeyeon replies surprisingly briskly.

Jessica draws in a deep, long inhale before she can gather enough nerve to ask Taeyeon the question that’s been burning on the tip of her tongue for weeks. “Why did you kiss me?” She almost regrets asking when she watches the violet wax tip of her pencil crayon snap beneath the weight of Taeyeon's hand, tensed with white knuckles.

She can hear Taeyeon swallow from across the table. “I-I don't know,” she whispers, keeping her eyes on her paper.

Jessica tries to wade in again. “Do you want to...talk about it?”

“I was c-confused or lo-lonely or something. I wasn’t thinking straight; I only had like three hours of sleep that night,” Taeyeon stutters.

Jessica has an inkling on an idea of what happened—of what’s happening—but even she can pick up on Taeyeon’s anxiety that’s swallowing up the entire room, maybe the entire dormitory. So, she tries to be careful with her next choice of words. She puts her elbows onto the table and leans in slightly, keeping her voice quiet and, unintentionally, intimate. “I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable or anything—if you don’t want to talk, it’s okay—it’s just that,” Jessica turns her gaze to her hands folded on the table and picks at her nail polish, “I’m just worried about you is all.”

“Look, I owe you an apology. I'm sorry I've been...off lately, but I'll get myself sorted out. I'm sorry to have caused you any stress.”

Jessica tries to venture into guarded territory again. “You can talk to me, you know? You can trust me too, Taeyeon.”

“I just,” Jessica watches as the girl's lip suddenly quivers and Taeyeon drops her pencil crayon, moving her hands to cover her eyes while her fingertips press hard into her forehead and temples. “S-sorry, ju-just give me a minute,” she requests as her voice starts delicately wavering and cracking.

Jessica feels awful for having even opened this can of worms. She could have never imagined confronting Taeyeon about her nasty aura could possibly have this effect. Her guilt intensifies when she catches the kitchen light bounce off a tear drop that glides down the edge of Taeyeon’s jaw.

Between the nine of them, they’ve all seen each other cry at one point or another. Between having stupid fights with each other, making up for said fights, missing homes, missing normal lives, being too damn stressed and even happy tears when they’re so overwhelmed by their success together; they have all seen each other cry at one point or another. They have no secrets between them because they have no time for personal space and the nine of them breathe the same air and share the same heartbeat.

Even so, Jessica has never seen Taeyeon cry like this; never seen this kind of sadness rack someone who has always had such a colorful personality. It absolutely shatters her when she can't do anything but numbly sit across the table as the girl’s shoulders shake and wet droplets splash down over her artwork.

“Taeyeon, you know you're not alone, right? Whatever you're going through, I hope you know we're all here for you.” Jessica tries again and makes a move to reach out for the girl, but immediately pulls away when she can’t decide if she’s damaging the girl further or not. Taeyeon just nods, but her fingers tighten their lace against her eyes when her tears skate down faster.

“Do you…do you want me to go? Or is it okay if I stay?” Jessica asks quietly.

She can’t see Taeyeon’s eyes, but she watches beads of tears seep down the creases of her contorted face and pool into the gaps of her lips. Jessica finds her eyes lingering on the girl’s lips until they finally part and Taeyeon’s voice comes out so hoarse and broken. “Pl-please go.”

Jessica wasn’t expecting the answer to make her feel like the wind gets knocked right out of her lungs, but it does and it hurts more than she anticipates. However, she politely nods and respects the girl’s wishes as she stands from the table and starts to walk away.

She stops briefly to tell Taeyeon, “maybe not now…but if—or when—you want to talk, let me know,” before she continues on her way down the hall to her room.

After the sound of Jessica’s door clicks shut, Taeyeon lets go of her held breath and lets the sound of her stifled sobs fill the quiet kitchen.

Like this story? Give it an Upvote!
Thank you!
Chaos_T
HOLY. Woah, thanks everyone! This is super cool :D

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
HeekuTheMarshmallow #1
Chapter 1: I'm allergic to cliffhangers TT
ktyzones
#2
rereading. I miss taengsic
Hisseulgi_
#3
Chapter 10: i love this so much 🥲
Hisseulgi_
#4
Chapter 1: re-reading this gem
xXSoulSorcererXx
#5
Chapter 6: So fluffy, so pathetic and so addicting
xXSoulSorcererXx
#6
Chapter 1: first chapter and I'm already spazzing like mad woman. My boss's looking at me, i think he's considering either to kick me out from this office or not. and yeah, Im reading this while working hehe
xXSoulSorcererXx
#7
I'm gonna read every taengsic story you wrote
SammyHwang09
#8
Chapter 10: This is my go-to story everytime I miss taengsic. I keep going back here to read this masterpiece again and again. This story is just sooo good.
lalatreese #9
Chapter 10: reading this again and all the feels are still the same 😭
Randomreader4444 #10
Chapter 10: Ahh i loved this so much. The whole story was written so beautifully